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MsTaurus 
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 Topic: What would you do?? (kinda long)
Posted: Mar 14 2013 at 10:36pm |
Hey everyone...I want to get your input on this. (I have not been on this site in a few years...it's good to be back  )
So, I am 30yrs old and I have been dating this guy (34yrs old) for about a year now. I have always had a stable career. Since we have been together, he has always had money issues. It has gotten to the point where he is not able to pay some of his bills and he's asking me to loan him money. He used to work in corporate America (a few years before we met) but quit b/c he wanted to start his own business. He was unemployed for over a year and is now working random jobs. The business he wanted to start never took off so now he wants to go to law school. I was very supportive of his decision and even gave him some money to help pay for his LSAT prep course. The only problem was that he would spend hours playing video games instead of studying for his LSAT. He recently took the test and did not do well.
Now, I just accepted a job that will be paying me 6-figures. I am with a man who is living paycheck to paycheck and is barely making it. He is very unstable career-wise and I'm not sure he is all that driven and focused when it comes to his future goals (he spends hours everyday playing video games). I am afraid that he will start to depend on me for money which I DEFINITELY can't let happen. My friends and family are telling me to leave him because they feel like he would become a liability.
What would you do?
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MsTaurus
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Posted: Mar 14 2013 at 10:50pm |
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I guess what I'm really asking is: would it be wrong to leave someone you LOVE simply because they're broke? Yes, the age old question...love vs money.
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khivey
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Posted: Mar 15 2013 at 12:24am |
 MsTaurus wrote:
Hey everyone...I want to get your input on this. (I have not been on this site in a few years...it's good to be back )
So, I am 30yrs old and I have been dating this guy (34yrs old) for about a year now. I have always had a stable career. Since we have been together, he has always had money issues. It has gotten to the point where he is not able to pay some of his bills and he's asking me to loan him money. He used to work in corporate America (a few years before we met) but quit b/c he wanted to start his own business. He was unemployed for over a year and is now working random jobs. The business he wanted to start never took off so now he wants to go to law school. I was very supportive of his decision and even gave him some money to help pay for his LSAT prep course. The only problem was that he would spend hours playing video games instead of studying for his LSAT. He recently took the test and did not do well.
Now, I just accepted a job that will be paying me 6-figures. I am with a man who is living paycheck to paycheck and is barely making it. He is very unstable career-wise and I'm not sure he is all that driven and focused when it comes to his future goals (he spends hours everyday playing video games). I am afraid that he will start to depend on me for money which I DEFINITELY can't let happen. My friends and family are telling me to leave him because they feel like he would become a liability.
What would you do? |
You've been letting that happen. So the question you may want to ask yourself is: Do I still want to continue supporting this man?
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lady_tee
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Posted: Mar 15 2013 at 6:44am |
MsTaurus wrote:
Hey everyone...I want to get your input on this. (I have not been on this site in a few years...it's good to be back )
So, I am 30yrs old and I have been dating this guy (34yrs old) for about a year now. I have always had a stable career. Since we have been together, he has always had money issues. It has gotten to the point where he is not able to pay some of his bills and he's asking me to loan him money. He used to work in corporate America (a few years before we met) but quit b/c he wanted to start his own business. He was unemployed for over a year and is now working random jobs. The business he wanted to start never took off so now he wants to go to law school. I was very supportive of his decision and even gave him some money to help pay for his LSAT prep course. The only problem was that he would spend hours playing video games instead of studying for his LSAT. He recently took the test and did not do well.
Now, I just accepted a job that will be paying me 6-figures. I am with a man who is living paycheck to paycheck and is barely making it. He is very unstable career-wise and I'm not sure he is all that driven and focused when it comes to his future goals (he spends hours everyday playing video games). I am afraid that he will start to depend on me for money which I DEFINITELY can't let happen. My friends and family are telling me to leave him because they feel like he would become a liability.
What would you do? |
hmm if he continues to ask you for money, you should leave him. he cant be depending on you all the time for money and i think made a big mistake paying for his exams
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lala71848
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Posted: Mar 15 2013 at 11:34pm |
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Well I honestly wouldn't leave him, I would let him kno exactly how I was feeling before I made any kind of moves. Let him know your plans that you will leave him if he doesn't get his sh*t together. You gotta be upfront with him so he can know exactly how you are feeling about his predicament, lord knows men are not mind readers. I don't agree with the previous poster About paying for his LSAT exam. I would of done the same anything to better my man if I plan on being with him. It's so hard to motivate men sometimes after 4years of coaxing my man to go back to school he has finally went back to school. He started two weeks ago , I was more happier than he was and so proud of him. I just believe it takes a lot for our men to get motivated once they have been comfortable in their predicament.
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Tbaby
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Posted: Mar 16 2013 at 4:50am |
MsTaurus wrote:
I guess what I'm really asking is: would it be wrong to
leave someone you LOVE simply because they're broke? Yes, the age old
question...love vs money. |
Its not that he's broke--but that he's shown a pattern of making poor financial decisions that caused him to be broke. You've chosen all this time to accept this behavior.
People aren't perfect. Can you elaborate any good qualities he has? Is he thoughtful and caring? Does he make you laugh? Does he wash your car without you asking? I'll take a broke guy who's attentive to my needs then a rich guy who's a jerk any day.
I am not real quick to say dump him unless he has other poor habits or qualities besides being a poor money manager. Don't be a sugar mama--but don't be so stingy with your money that you possibly let a "good thang" go.
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Spokenword
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Posted: Mar 16 2013 at 7:59am |
Lala and Tbaby made some good points.
Have ya'll had any progression in your relationship in any other areas in this year of dating?
You need to talk to him and tell him that you understand being unemployed is difficult, and it can wear a person down, but that he needs to get himself together. You will support him (emotionally) but you will not take care of him. It has only been a year, and if all this has been revealed in a year, it could be a good indication of what is to come.
i understand when you are with someone for a period of time and things happen such as unemployment and you have to work to adjust but for me, a year is something I could walk away from if things weren't progressing. Personally, nothing turns me off more than a lack of ambition and motivation. and the fact that he played video games versus studying for a test that you paid for, would have rubbed me the wrong way.
have an honest talk with him see what he say. he may just need to be by himself to get himself together. However, if you want to stick in there, he needs to know that you need him to STEP UP!.
Edited by Spokenword - Mar 16 2013 at 8:00am
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BoutThatLife
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Posted: Mar 16 2013 at 1:10pm |
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Dump him he's a loser and he's ain't on your level. Do better. A bulk of your appeal to him is that you front him money. How can you be truly sure he's there for the right reasons when you're taking care of him? You don't have a man, you have a grown ass son
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katakana89
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Posted: Mar 16 2013 at 11:02pm |
The thing is, I shouldn't have to do support or teach a grown ass man how to be a man. That is exhausting and disappointing. I shouldn't have to motivate him to apply for jobs, go to school, take a test, study for that test, give him money, etc...you are already enabling him and giving him the excuse to be comfortable.
I would leave.
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Printer_Ink
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Posted: Mar 17 2013 at 1:25am |
A year is not a long enough time such a sacrifice. Are you MARRIED to this man?
Because I don't believe in living with a man (unless
you are saving etc for the wedding) ... for many reasons - one of them is money. First, I don't believe in giving men money. Period.
And if he is weak enough to ASK .. I am even more turned off. Normal men with
normal self-esteem would be too proud to ask his girl to pay for his LSAT.
Before he would do that .. he would pawn something he loved or ask his family
or ask a close friend or he would DO SOMETHING. A man has got to be resourceful
in this world. (Btw I don't believe in men giving women money either. Too much
like prostitution.) I believe all grown folks need to learn to stand on their
own 2 feet BEFORE they get married a start a life together - otherwise you have an imbalance of power in the relationship. Okay, you gave him the money for his LSAT and money for other stuff and he frittered it away like a little kid  and played video games all day such that he did poorly on the LSAT test. This says a lot about his character. What kind of future do you see with such a man?
I think the problem is that he WAS doing well, but he
quit starting his own business which failed and now he is failing to pass the
law school admissions test. Now what's he doing but taking odd jobs and leaning
on you. But even if he had done well... this would mean you would have to supplement
his income or support him completely for the next 3 years while he completes
Law school. But he didn't do well so he is depressed an unfocused and sorry but
I think he is taking advantage of you.
Again you are not even married which means he is not
even COMMITTED to you. He is just riding along (at this point) on your 6
figured shirt tail and when he is done with you ... he will up sticks and leave.
Since you don't have papers on him... you will not receive any financial
compensation ... and yes, he would have gotten all that milk... for free.
You’ve got to have papers so that it’s not so easy to
walk away so ypou HAVE to think about it, you have an emotional and legal commitment to each other and if things do come to an end .. you can come to an equitable financial settlement. (I dated a simular guy yearrrrrs ago. He could never
get it together and though he never asked for money - he was jealous of the
little bit of success I already had .. such that at age 22 ... I could already
see the writing on the wall. He would have sapped the life out of me and I
would have had to carry him as long as we were together. I LOVEEDD his
family they were so disappointed that I did not marry him because they
thought I was such a good influence on him. But please I don't want a man/child dragging me down
that can't figure out his life and is unmotivated and insecure!) Dump this guy and move on. He will use you .. as
long as you allow him to use you.
Edited by Printer_Ink - Mar 17 2013 at 2:13am
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