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Unsupportive Mothers: How Would YOU Deal?

 
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Hair ViVi

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UrbanElegance View Drop Down
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    Posted: Oct 16 2019 at 1:08pm
Sorry, long post. Let me start with this scenario...

My son turns 10 this weekend. I am planning a party for him. I invited my mom, sister and other friends/family members. I asked my mom if she wouldn't mind helping me set up for the party and she never responded neither did my sister. Not a big deal right? Oh it's only the tip of the iceberg!

My mom has a history of not being supportive. She is very hands off with her grandkids. If I ever need help, she is either too busy or unresponsive. My daughter (11 y-o) has been recovering from a serious illness after being hospitalized in January. My daughter was depressed and suicidal because of the illness so I got her into counseling. The only thing that helped my daughter's mental health (at one point) was counseling but also dance. Because I had to take on a second job to help pay for medical bills, I asked my mom if she could help me by taking my daughter to dance practice on an occasional Saturday due to my work schedule and my husband taking our son to baseball. She said she was too busy to help me. As a result, my daughter is side eyeing her grandmother and does not want much to do with her. 

These antics have gone back for years and years. Her lack of support started when I became an official "adult", moved out the house, got married, had kids etc.. She never helped me move. She said negative things about my furniture in my first apartment. She lied on my husband at my wedding. ETC...

My younger sister seems to take direction from my mom. My sister and I aren't close because my mom is not on my side. I feel like the black sheep of the family literally and figuratively (i.e. yes I am dark skinned. My sister is very light skinned to the point of not looking black). 

Before anyone drags me, I realize that these are MY kids and not my mother's. I am not asking, nor have I ever asked my mother to raise them. I take motherhood seriously. My husband and I sacrifice for our kids all the time. The issue is that my mother is not helpful EVER. My sister is not supportive EVER. My mother and sister are both single. My sister has no kids. I don't see why they cannot embrace their only grandkids/niece/nephew. 

My mother regularly sits for a neighbor whose wife has dementia. My mom watches this woman with dementia at least once a week. My mom is retired and volunteers at her church every day. She never gives me a hand. 

Any time anything good is happening in my life, I have to keep it a secret because my mom will try to find a way to undermine it. 

My question is, how would you deal with this? I have tried talking to them both and it has gone nowhere. Both are illogical, defensive, mean, nasty and nothing gets accomplished when I try to bring it up. If there is something that I have done to offend either of them (in the past), neither of them have brought it up so I can address it. Iv'e prayed. I even go to counseling. She is a constant negative force in my life. 

All I am doing right now is slowly shutting her out of my life. This might be the last birthday party I invite her to. Sorry if I sound mean but she's hurt me and she's starting to hurt my kids. 
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Ds2nice View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ds2nice Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Nov 04 2019 at 4:10pm
I know how it feels because I have a mother that behaves similar to yours.   Even after child birth, my mother never offered to help me with anything.    My mother only concern is her image.  She would put on a show for others to have everyone believe she's a caring and giving person but once the spotlight is off her, she stops pretending.   My concern is that my child (he's an infant now) will grow up not knowing his grandmother.   

You can't make a person change their attitude/way of life.  That includes mothers too.  You should continue to invite your mother and sister to your children's events but based on the history with them, don't expect them to change unless they show more effort in your little ones' lives. 

Keep loving your children the way that you are and don't worry about anyone/anything else.  

Good luck Smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NJHairLuv Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Nov 10 2019 at 12:53pm
I agree. They are happy with holding you, your husband and your children at arm's length and that will not change. Lean into building a deeper relationship with your in-laws bc your mom and sister will never change and do not see themselves as being wrong.

Good luck.
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