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My dumb friend....

 
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sexyandfamous View Drop Down
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    Posted: May 18 2014 at 12:16am
That is very sad, not only she is delusional, but the mother of his children has no respect for herself and she uses her kids to try to keep him AND she makes her kids witness what a relationship should not be.

With the attention he is getting from both of them, he'll soon be sleeping with another woman.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 15 2014 at 9:21am
Well, I can believe it. It's a textbook situation of impedding disaster.

Your friend should WATCH OUT ... though I'll bet she feels she has 'won' because she has no sense in her head ... so she will have to pay the prioe.

Hey, no one knows what's going that woman's head ... she might next show up on her doorstep with a gun talking about - 'that's my man'. Because for her to come BEGGING like that ... means she ain't all there in the self-esteem department either. This guy probably preys on women like this.

You should keep your distance from her too .. otherwise you might drop by her house on THE VERY DAY that this woman decides 'she's not gonna take it anymore' and then you get pulled into it.

I know that seems farfetched but this kind of stuff happens every day .. over some cheatin no good dog ... no less.

Stay clear.

Edited by Printer_Ink - May 15 2014 at 9:34am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beauty620 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 15 2014 at 8:15am
Update!! Update!! Update!!

Okay ladies, I know I should of not even bothered to do an update.....but are you kidding me this has turned into some soap opera mess & it's getting juicy! LOLLOLLOL Shocked

Okay my friend dude has been to her house since Tuesday, so yesterday evening my friend calls me and says, "do you know she (his children's mother that he is currently in a relationship with) is outside of my house in her car parked. I was like are you serious, she then says she was so heated she just up and left, she went to the store to cool off. I said Noooo take your a** back to your house, do not make her think that you are running from her, let alone give her the opportunity to walk up to your home (because her man was inside). Sure enough when she got back the girl was standing on her porch talking with her man, kids father and crying. I heard her while I was on the phone as my friend walked into her house, the girl was begging him and crying "please come home with me, you don't belong here, you belong with your family, please I love you just come with me, you don't belong here with her".

I done heard it all ladies....and I could not believe what I was hearing. I give him thumbs up....HE'S THE MAN!!! And I know his EGO can't be touched right now... SMH shame on my friend. She insist that he is her man, and they are going to get married as soon as possible, but if he went home with her that they were done. The girl end up leaving alone with her kids. 

This is going to become a BIG PROBLEM....I feel as if the girl is not going to give up that easy.

WOW
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Twisted_Angel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 26 2014 at 8:23am
Wow...your 58....that explains a lot
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 2:45pm
@Derri, your story is touching but GEESH lady I am 58 years old and can tell you MANY, many stories that are exactly the same. This is not unique in fact.

I have tried to tell them the nice way, the funny way, the tearful (I'm scared for you way) ... I've tried every way I know to try .. but in the end I write these foolish women off. Sorry but I can't have these 'damaged goods' type of people in my life. They just bring drama and misery and crazy men that will look for their girlfriend in the middle of the night at MY house thinking I am hiding her. Duh! Gosh friendship should not mean you have to 'carry' your grown friend's ba ge for her.

Nooo some folks just have to fall on their faces and then pull themselves up by their own bootstraps to learn how to deal with men - there's nothing I can tell them or do for them.

Geesh we all have our OWN problems to deal with. That's why I said 'everyone's gotta carry their OWN 'ba ge' in this world'.

@sexy, your friend is delustional if she's happy this guy is gonna move in with her (Why? he can live off her for free) and go running back to the bm whenever he feels like it?

Even if she gets him - what will she have? She will have a man that CHEATS as her man - AKA a dog, but she does not have enough sense to see this. Who would want a CHEATER?

STUPID. She will have to learn the hard way too - just like all the others. Though if she is 33 years old and is still so disparate for a relationship that she will tolerate this arrangement ummm .. I don't hold out much hope for her.

Edited by Printer_Ink - Apr 24 2014 at 3:05pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beauty620 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 8:52am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:



The OP says she HAS tried to help her, support her etc .. but nothing works so in the end is dumb or stupid or any terms you want to use but hey, how can it be HER job to help resolve these self-esteem issues that her friend is carrying around?

Everybody’s got to carry their OWN ba ge.

Her friend needs a Therapist ... not someone to tell her .. it’s not her fault – it ‘the system’ that’s caused her to layup with that loser.

STUPID.

ClapClapClapClapClap My point exactly!  Thumbs UpApprove
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beauty620 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 8:38am
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

sexyandfamous,




If I could rewind time and live that night over again, I'd be honest with my friend. I'd tell her that her pain hurts me so deeply. That I hate that she is wasting her time with such a POS while we could be enjoying our youth, or meeting someone truly special, but that I know pain and learning oftentimes go hand in hand. That I recognize and understand that she needs to experience life on her terms, do things her way, even if it may be a choice she regrets. It's her choice and I know how much she likes to exercise her freedom to choose, and that freedom of choice is the gift of life! I should never try to impose on someone's freedom to choose a certain experience for them.

What I've learned over the years is that freedom to choose is imperative for life. Especially her and I, we HATE being controlled. In hindsight, perhaps the more people told her to leave that relationship is the more she held on partially because she was being told what to do. (We were teens and younger adults at the time so this is important to note. However, many people struggle with this issue well into adulthood due to unresolved childhood issues etc.)


All I can say is, no man is an island. I'm happy that I never abandoned my friend, though I said some jerk things to her when I was too in my feelings about HER experiences.

Anyhow, I didn't judge too much. I tried not to anyway. And We've got each others back no matter what! That's my roadie and I could never throw a real friend and sister away.





Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.....however I have tried many many times to talk to my friend....but she is in love and blind. In the past I was on her team for a long time, but after awhile (YEARS) you get fed up of listening to this mess, it has become a cycle. I've been by her side this whole time....was her listening ear, advice giver, when she cried I was there to comfort her and made her feel better about her situations. 

UPDATE:!!!!!  I even called her yesterday just to see how she was because we really haven't been talking like that......And she went on bragging about how she told him she's not waiting anymore and he will need to make a decision (which she has said to him numerous times) so he then went on to tell her he is leaving his bm to be with her, he's going to come live with her, and they will get married as soon as he come back..im assuming within the next two weeks. I told her like look, this is a cycle and I asked her what is she going to do when he packs up once again and goes to be with the mother of his children....she said then she'll be done. But i've heard this same story over and over again ain't a damn thing changed. Confused

....SO ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.....I will no longer be there to listen to the BS anymore, NOT ON IT.....SHE'LL HAVE TO GET THRU THIS ON HER OWN, AND IF YOU LOOK AT IT AS I'M BEING MEAN OR I'M NOT A TRUE FRIEND THEN SO BE IT. She is about to be 33 years old, she should know better. I'm not about to hold her hand along the way that woman is grown, she can make her own decisions of course, but not everyone will tolerate the bs or even want to continue to hear about that sad case period. I've heard enough, I have my own problems to deal with. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 4:29pm
sexyandfamous, I have a very close friend who is basically my sister; we've been through so much together.
She met someone who right from the start I could tell was all about mind games. I mean this person was everything a manipulative, destructive and toxic person could be. This person did not like me very much, but I was their target first, but they failed to manipulate me. I peeped the game very early and I don't have the right personality type. This person is the type to carry around The Art of Seduction with them.

Longggggggg painful story short, my friend ended up in a three yr romantic relationship with this person. Our friendship grew and was wonderful because my friend is a very loving and kind person, but I was so sick of her calling me crying her eyes out. For example, I remember like it was yesterday, it was a beautiful summer day and they went out at the park with friends. I too went out that day to enjoy the weather, and she calls me like she is having a heart attack. Her SO tells her she is fat and getting ugly. Mind you, my friend is slim and sexy. The tactic was to break her self esteem and such, you know? This went on for the entire relationship. The person did have some seemingly attractive qualities like a very compelling personality, a social butterfly, just a straight charmer...and arguably one of the most popular young people in my city today!

Anyhow, one night she called me with the usual sob story. No matter how much good advice I gave her, my shoulder, my blouse to wipe her tears, she still stuck around in this relationship. I was fed up that night, I told her that if she wants to be this person's wet rag that they mop up the floor with then it is her choice, but I was through hearing about it!

I didn't know it at the time (because I was too in my own feelings to notice) that this hurt my friend deeply. I was very unconscious back then about just how my words and actions affect the people around me. I figured, she's just my friend and knows that I'm the tough love kind of chic, you know?

She rarely mentioned the abusive relationship after that, and she still went on being an amazing sister-friend to me. And I did love her deeply, I just was more of the victim than she, apparently.
She was still being hurt in this relationship, only now she had no one to tell. Her family was VERY against this relationship and pretty much said, do you boo, and she couldn't tell anyone else all of the details of this relationship due to other complicated reasons.

I regret the cold way I spoke to her about her relationship. We've talked about it and she jokes that I could be such a jackass. Well, I was. I've grown a lot since. I am way more sensitive to other peoples' pain, as I've had lots of my own since.

If I could rewind time and live that night over again, I'd be honest with my friend. I'd tell her that her pain hurts me so deeply. That I hate that she is wasting her time with such a POS while we could be enjoying our youth, or meeting someone truly special, but that I know pain and learning oftentimes go hand in hand. That I recognize and understand that she needs to experience life on her terms, do things her way, even if it may be a choice she regrets. It's her choice and I know how much she likes to exercise her freedom to choose, and that freedom of choice is the gift of life! I should never try to impose on someone's freedom to choose a certain experience for them.

What I've learned over the years is that freedom to choose is imperative for life. Especially her and I, we HATE being controlled. In hindsight, perhaps the more people told her to leave that relationship is the more she held on partially because she was being told what to do. (We were teens and younger adults at the time so this is important to note. However, many people struggle with this issue well into adulthood due to unresolved childhood issues etc.)

Well anyhow, she continued that relationship (and I continued to SMH every time she mentioned it in passing that they went here or there, or when I saw them together) and it was so awkward in person when I bumped into them because we were really close, while her SO would say things like ' I really don't like that chic, Derri'

One day, she told me she left the relationship. That she'd had enough and didn't want it anymore because it is not good for her.  That moment, a light bulb went off for me. This chic just didn't WANT to. That became a theme in my life ever since. More and more, I realized that everyone does what they want to do. People rarely do the things they do not want to do because seeking pleasure is a big part of the society we live in.
 I have to make a conscious effort to do the things that are necessary but bring me zero pleasure. That's the major problem, I've found. We are attached to pleasure. We seek our identity in pleasure, even.

Anyhow, it was that simple. When she wanted to leave she left. Many things cause people to want change. It usually happens when the pleasure no longer outweighs the pain, and for everyone this threshold is different. People think differently, and that is what makes the world go round.

I was there when my friend was ready to move on. I was the first one inviting her out to celebrate HER choices, HER  freedom--not mine. This was HER emancipation.

(I've since had my own and of course, like a true friend, she was right there with me, cheering me on!!!)

That situation brought us even closer. I saw her at her worst, and got to witness someone rise from the ashes and say, yo! I'm in this life and I want to experience something else! I saw her transform. I saw her come out of her awkward teens and into the confident and beautiful woman she is today. My sister, my friend.

We look back on that situation sometimes and we say, yo that was a dark time for everyone. Then we have a toast to growth and to life. The truth is, that relationship was the catalyst for her personal development and love for herself. It forced her to face some issues she probably was not even aware she had, and most importantly, it set in motion the life she has and person she is now. Which is just awesome.

But that is to be expected (in hindsight). Life gives us circumstances where we get a chance to either develop our weakness and turn them into strengths, or to use our gifts and talents to serve others.


(Every situation is not the same. If my friend was being physically abused I'd never have sat back and said nothing after a while.

But it was more emotional and verbal abuse that I essentially could not do much about. )

All I can say is, no man is an island. I'm happy that I never abandoned my friend, though I said some jerk things to her when I was too in my feelings about HER experiences.

Anyhow, I didn't judge too much. I tried not to anyway. And We've got each others back no matter what! That's my roadie and I could never throw a real friend and sister away.






Edited by Derri - Apr 23 2014 at 4:48pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 1:40pm
Derri, what do you suggest to help a woman in a situation like the OP's friend?
It's hard to help someone who doesn't want be helped or doesn't seem anything wrong with their situation.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:42am

I miss life everytime I try to convince someone to think like me.
Variety is the spice of life, and I offered another option to the OP. If something that I said stands out to her because she finds it helpful then that's fine, but if not then it is just as fine. No sweat off either of our backs.

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