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Letting Go Of A Relationship (You Never Had)

 
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AriesBabe09 View Drop Down
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    Posted: Mar 11 2014 at 1:14pm
Great advice in here I really hope those in abusive relationship take note. 
Unfortunately, I had to learn those things the hard way during my younger years. But its made me stronger, and wiser, and I know what to tell my daughter to watch out for(from first hand experience) so she won't make the mistakes I did. Sad thing is some women aren't as fortunate.
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Printer_Ink View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 11 2014 at 1:06am
My additions to the above is .. don't wait until he actually hits you to realize you are being abused. A lot of women think as long as he is not physical ... then it is not abuse. Wrong. The mental things are just the PRECURSERS to the physical abuse ... it's coming so why stick around?

Usually a guy will kind of wear you down mentally with all the things mentioned above .. so that by the time he feels free enough to put his hands on you ... he knows you are not going anywhere and will tolerate that bad behavior as well. Maybe you will cry etc .. but if you will take him back and go on as usual.. well, now he knows he's GOT you.

So then later if you try to leave ... it will surely escalate to that incredible stuff you read about in the papers.

That's why I say - take your time. Do NOT GET sexual with him for months because once a woman has sex .. emotionally she becomes somewhat bound to the guy. If he ends up being a RAT .. she often stays around because in her mind - she's gotta make it work.

Whereas if she had never had sex with him ... her mind remains clear and if she discovered he is a rat .. she can just leave.

Anytime the guy pressures you to make everything FAST - like he's already FULLY in your life after a week or so - danger.

Lastly as indicated above .. once he starts doing little controlling , intimidating etc stuff ... dump him because it's just gonna get worse. Nice guys don't threat their women like that EVER.

People do show you who they are.. but if you are not willing to see it early on .. yes, you will end up a victim.

Edited by Printer_Ink - Mar 11 2014 at 1:10am
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sexyandfamous View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 10 2014 at 11:42pm
This thread is also useful to the girls who are in a relationship that they think is great, but they are constantly stressed or in tears.
The relationship is all in your head. Relationships are supposed to ENHANCE life, not to make you jealous, miserable, paranoid, or afraid.

Many girls will agree that some of their past relationships weren't great, but they couldn't see that at the time. And that's because once the feelings are gone, you realize how stressed out or unhappy you were. Take a minute to put your feelings for the guy aside and honestly ask yourself: is he treating me the way I deserve? Is he blaming me for being wrong with me? Is he loyal? Does he show that he loves me or is only words out of his mouth?

This was posted in the thread about abusive relationships; some girls think that they are not in an abusive relationship because the guy never hit them; but calling you names several times, making you feel afraid of saying something, breaking or hitting things when upset, are all signs of an unstable man.

It is better to be alone and taking care of yourself, than being in a relationship where you have to be careful about what you SAY to avoid hearing your man shouting.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote Im_A_Diva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 03 2014 at 10:19pm
Wow this thread is amazing
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 25 2014 at 4:56am
advice to the girls living a relationship inside their head:

don't continue watering a dead flower. move on.


he isn't sh!t and he wasn't special until you made him special (in your mind).


Edited by sexyandfamous - Jan 25 2014 at 4:57am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 03 2014 at 2:09pm
Originally posted by sexyandfamous sexyandfamous wrote:

Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:


Follow the rules though:
-     Do not chase men (HE has to call,text,email etc you … but you only REPLY to his attempts)
-     Do not sleep with him for 2 – 3 months (this gives you enough time to figure out if he is a rat you don’t even want. But if you sleep with him too soon (aside from the obvious) you are kind of bound to him a BEFORE you realize that he is not worthy.)
-     Do not build your world around a guy (carry on with your hobbies, job and interests etc.)
-     Let him pursue and ‘win’ you
-     Do not be weak with him - a doormat and reward bad behavior by staying in his company
-     You get the idea ...


Great advice, Printer.
I think those tips can applied to girls in a relationship, once in a while.
My only problem is building my world around a guy.... since I don't have friends, it is hard to not be available all the time, and do things only with him.


Okay, then you need to be 'unavailable' .... just on GP (General Principle). :)

If he calls and asks you out DO NOT always agree to see him on the day and time. Add some 'tension' to the relationship because as soon as he feels HE KNOWS YOU and your business and that you will always be around .. he will get bored and move on to a girl that seems to be .... more of a challenge to him.

He's not doing this on purpose but it IS in his DNA to 'hunt and pursue' so you are kind of putting him out of a job if you just roll over, belly up and let him rub your tummy anytime he feels like it. :) So to speak.

If I were you (and I have done this) I would develop a solitary hobby that is important to me where I can fill my time and be 'busy'.

- You sew so sometimes you cannot make a date because you aew havibg trouble putting a zipper in a dress you want to wear at a nice function on X day. Will take all evening

- You are writing a book. Will take up a lot of your Saturdays

- Every Wednesday evening you are taking a class in Financial Planning it lasts from 6 - 9.

- You love to bake and are trying to start your own business. How? You bake up a special cake and visit small mom and pop restaurants in The Village and sell them your wares. They slice up the cakes and sell each piece. So you are building your clientele. (Actually, I know a girl that is doing this!)

Get the idea?

Think of something to fill your time with that does not require a girlfriend to be with you such that if your guy asks you out you can say 'ohh sorry, but I am busy that evening'. :)

IT WILL PEAK HIS INTEREST... because now he's gotta go back to chasing you again which subconsiously ... he what he wants to do anyway.

Do not be so 'available' to any guy .. as evemtually he will see you as not so desirable by other people ...

Edited by Printer_Ink - Jan 03 2014 at 2:22pm
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sexyandfamous View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 03 2014 at 1:15pm
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:


Follow the rules though:
-     Do not chase men (HE has to call,text,email etc you … but you only REPLY to his attempts)
-     Do not sleep with him for 2 – 3 months (this gives you enough time to figure out if he is a rat you don’t even want. But if you sleep with him too soon (aside from the obvious) you are kind of bound to him a BEFORE you realize that he is not worthy.)
-     Do not build your world around a guy (carry on with your hobbies, job and interests etc.)
-     Let him pursue and ‘win’ you
-     Do not be weak with him - a doormat and reward bad behavior by staying in his company
-     You get the idea ...


Great advice, Printer.
I think those tips can applied to girls in a relationship, once in a while.
My only problem is building my world around a guy.... since I don't have friends, it is hard to not be available all the time, and do things only with him.
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dOLLish. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dOLLish. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 26 2013 at 7:07am
I guess..

Thanks.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 26 2013 at 5:19am
Originally posted by dOLLish. dOLLish. wrote:

<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;">More or less.  I can't say that</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;"> </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;">each <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;">chance has been "romantic," because I don't know that.  It may not make sense to anyone other than myself, and frankly it doesn't have to. However, getting involved in a relationship where you can't give 80-100% to your partner isn't fair.  </span>
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">I thought that I was pretty clear with initial and follow-up post.  I wanted to be able to move past this "relationship."  Our frequent run-ins indicated (to me, of course) thatmaybe we're meant to be something - even if that something is strictly friends.  I don't want to feel like that 14 year-old girl every time I see him because that's unhealthy.  Hence my wanting to move on.  
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Again, I never said that he tried to approach me romantically each time.  I don't think that it has to be so black or white (e.g., either he asks me on a date or he doesn't - as I gathered from your response).  He attempts to approach me and re-connect.  He could easily walk by me as I don't exist, but for some reason he doesn't.  Whether or not it's romantic, I can't say and it doesn't matter.  
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Oh, and he came into my store 4 years after he graduated high school.  Not only hadn't we kept in contact, but as quickly as he came in the store, he left.  He ran into my co-worker outside of our job and stopped her then.  I didn't want you to think that he sat in the store, stared at me wearing my name tag and then asked my co-worker for my name Wink
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Riddle me this:  If you have your own personal issues that you need to work through, thus preventing you from fully opening up and allowing yourself to love and be loved, why would you even attempt to have an intimate relationship with anyone?  It's deeper than "oh, my outfit doesn't look cute today" or "my hair isn't done."  To me, it would be grounds for disaster ... and above everything it's selfish.  If you've never experienced it, then of course it doesn't seem "that hard."  (And I'm not coming for you, I'm just saying).  But everyone's situation isn't so easy to dissect  ... especially without sufficient background information on the person(s).  When it's all said and done, though, I'd rather be nothing to him/have nothing with him, than to hurt him.  
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">I appreciate your response(s); however, I'm getting the feeling that you've either read too much into my posts or have misread.  How am I playing hard to get?  Because I want to get to a point to where I love myself before allowing someone else to love me?  I thought that was good thing? I don't recall saying that I wanted him to wait for me.  I know he hasn't, and I wouldn't ask him to.  He hasn't asked me to.  It's unfair. 
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">I guess my initial post wasn't as clear as I thought.  I've been unable to let go of this "relationship."  For me, severing ties doesn't help - I need to get away from the person.  Despite the attempts to get away and move on, our paths continue to cross.  Thus, the question of fate/destiny is raised.
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 22px;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 22px;">How am I in my own way?  And what truth do I need to tell? </span>




Okay, I see what you are saying now. You really do want to move on and get away from him but he keeps turning up.

Umm sorry but you can control your movements but you cannot control HIS movements . He can move wherever he wants. I don’t believe in some celestial ‘meaning’ to his showing in your space over the years.  I think if he’s coincidentally showing up wherever you move – either you have to move so far away that you cannot possibly run into him or (more likely) you are just going to have to deal with his company. There is nothing else you can do about that situation. There is no answer. That is the truth of your situation ... IMO.

What I mean by ‘playing hard to get‘ is that I think (maybe) you are giving off vibes to this guy that you LIKE him, so that is (maybe) why he was been trying to connect with you. But then you evade him so (predictably) this triggers his instinct to pursue you .. but then you were outright rude to him. So then he is scratching his head thinking ‘I don’t understand women’. Hey, He did the right thing, he chased you but then it never comes to anything.

(I say ‘maybe’ because as you say ... you are not SURE if he is really trying to connect with you. So this is all conjecture.)

You are saying you don’t want to get involved with him because you have each personal issues so you can’t give 100%. Ummm babygirl EVERYONE has personal issues and NO ONE can give 100% of themselves ... but we stumble along anyway ... trying to connect with each other. :) I am not trying to make light of your personal issues .. but really A LOT of people are like this.

In fact, A GREAT NUMBER of people are completely messed up in the head but (shrugs) yeah, they have relationships with other people – some good, some bad. Another great number of people are completely level-headed and together and they are also in relationships, again some good, some bad. Some issues are worse than others ... but ‘everyone has got a little pain’ in their lives.

However, you can’t block yourself off from love/ relationships until you finally get together. Oh nooo. It’s been 10 years lost to you as it is. I think you are making your personal issues too important if they are maybe crippling your live life like this.

Riddle ME this: What if in the meeting of someone that you could really care about (and vice versa) you share these personal issues and in that sharing, that guy begins to understand you better and get closer and support you and amazingly .. takes some of the BURDEN if whatever you are carrying OFF your back? What if this was the outcome? This would be one of the things that spark the love between the two of you and ... a kind of healing takes place.

Believe it or not – probably he is carrying some burdens too .... and maybe he would be able to share some of his stuff with you?

For this guy – who knows? Like you said, you are not sure he has been making attempts to connect – but if not this guy .. then probably you are not opening up yourself to any men - so that is going to be a lonely life baby girl. Don't you deserve some comfort in your life?

Now, if your personal issues would place a guy in DANGER – no, do not get involved with him!

Other than that - when you open yourself up to a guy .. you always run the chance of hurting him or of being hurt yourself. But then you also have of good chance of loving someone and ... of being loved in return. This is called .. a Relationship. :) 

It can be a scary thing but again we fools (mankind) have been stumbling along somehow, bumping into each other and finding our way all these last 10,000 years or so just fine. :)

I think you should take yourself off the hook and open yourself up to men/relationships and see what happens.

Follow the rules though:
-     Do not chase men (HE has to call,text,email etc you … but you only REPLY to his attempts)
-     Do not sleep with him for 2 – 3 months (this gives you enough time to figure out if he is a rat you don’t even want. But if you sleep with him too soon (aside from the obvious) you are kind of bound to him a BEFORE you realize that he is not worthy.)
-     Do not build your world around a guy (carry on with your hobbies, job and interests etc.)
-     Let him pursue and ‘win’ you
-     Do not be weak with him - a doormat and reward bad behavior by staying in his company
-     You get the idea ...

Edited by Printer_Ink - Dec 26 2013 at 5:27am
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dOLLish. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dOLLish. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 25 2013 at 9:11pm
More or less.  I can't say that each chance has been "romantic," because I don't know that.  It may not make sense to anyone other than myself, and frankly it doesn't have to. However, getting involved in a relationship where you can't give 80-100% to your partner isn't fair.  

I thought that I was pretty clear with initial and follow-up post.  I wanted to be able to move past this "relationship."  Our frequent run-ins indicated (to me, of course) thatmaybe we're meant to be something - even if that something is strictly friends.  I don't want to feel like that 14 year-old girl every time I see him because that's unhealthy.  Hence my wanting to move on.  

Again, I never said that he tried to approach me romantically each time.  I don't think that it has to be so black or white (e.g., either he asks me on a date or he doesn't - as I gathered from your response).  He attempts to approach me and re-connect.  He could easily walk by me as I don't exist, but for some reason he doesn't.  Whether or not it's romantic, I can't say and it doesn't matter.  

Oh, and he came into my store 4 years after he graduated high school.  Not only hadn't we kept in contact, but as quickly as he came in the store, he left.  He ran into my co-worker outside of our job and stopped her then.  I didn't want you to think that he sat in the store, stared at me wearing my name tag and then asked my co-worker for my name Wink

Riddle me this:  If you have your own personal issues that you need to work through, thus preventing you from fully opening up and allowing yourself to love and be loved, why would you even attempt to have an intimate relationship with anyone?  It's deeper than "oh, my outfit doesn't look cute today" or "my hair isn't done."  To me, it would be grounds for disaster ... and above everything it's selfish.  If you've never experienced it, then of course it doesn't seem "that hard."  (And I'm not coming for you, I'm just saying).  But everyone's situation isn't so easy to dissect  ... especially without sufficient background information on the person(s).  When it's all said and done, though, I'd rather be nothing to him/have nothing with him, than to hurt him.  

I appreciate your response(s); however, I'm getting the feeling that you've either read too much into my posts or have misread.  How am I playing hard to get?  Because I want to get to a point to where I love myself before allowing someone else to love me?  I thought that was good thing? I don't recall saying that I wanted him to wait for me.  I know he hasn't, and I wouldn't ask him to.  He hasn't asked me to.  It's unfair. 

I guess my initial post wasn't as clear as I thought.  I've been unable to let go of this "relationship."  For me, severing ties doesn't help - I need to get away from the person.  Despite the attempts to get away and move on, our paths continue to cross.  Thus, the question of fate/destiny is raised.

How am I in my own way?  And what truth do I need to tell? 
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