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CLCNY20 View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Ugh...The Things People Eat!
    Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:55pm


Natto

I recently came across a container of fermented soybeans in the supermarket. I don't mean an old container of soybeans some stockboy forgot to toss. These are fermented-on-purpose soybeans from Japan. That's what Natto is.

I remembered hearing about this stuff on Iron Chef one time when it was the secret ingredient. The judges in the show were commenting on what a great job the chefs had done to "supress the smell" of the natto. I'm no Iron Chef, but I've got a clever way to supress the smell. Don't put it in your f**king food. I might not win "Battle Natto," but I promise you my dinner won't smell like stank-ass soybeans.

I found it slightly unsettling that the sealed styrofoam container had creepy little airholes in it. As if what was inside needed to breathe. I dared to lift the lid, which made me regret that I needed to breathe. The natto was coated in some kind of sick slime and had the complex yet playful aroma of a dumpster in July.

Actually, the little pile inside looked kinda like baked beans. It also smelled kinda like baked beans. If they were baked in the filthy heat of Satan's asshole.

natto

This particular batch was made by a company in Japan called Shirakiku. I haven't been able to determine if Shirakiku is a food manufacturer, or just a store that sells gag gifts and practical jokes. It might be both.

Not unlike Michael Jackson, these harmless soybeans had undergone some kind of hideous transformation. They were now a freakish version of their former selves. (Which, coincidentally, should also be kept away from your children.)

The most disturbing aspect of this stuff is it seems to get "activated" when you stir it. What I mean by this is, (and I may actually weep, but...) the slimy coating on the beans develops into stringy, stretchy, marshmallow-like strands that will forever haunt my dreams.

dripping%20with%20natto%20goodness

Basically, if you move it back and forth enough, you're left with a gross, sticky mess. (Hey, natto and I have at least one thing in common!) And now that I think about it, that's exactly what it looks like the pranksters back at Shirakiku did into my beans. You guuuys!

I force-fed myself a big ol' spoonful, and found it to be slightly rancid and extremely bitter. Unfortunately, swallowing didn't help dissipate the flavor because the strings of bean jizz melted, coating my mouth and lips with a glistening sheen of sadness.

The entire experience is difficult to describe, but if you can remember back to the very first time you made out with a hobo's ass, it's a lot like that.

What I find most hilarious is that there is an expiration date on the package. What could they possibly expect to happen to the product on this date THAT HAS NOT ALREADY OCCURRED?!!!

Also, nestled in this mound of compost was a li'l packet of mustard. In its place, I would strongly suggest a written apology.

I do have one last theory about the date on the package. It may be an expiration date, but not for the beans. If you finish the container, that's the day you die.

 
 
 
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Merin View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:57pm
I don't know who I am more angry with, me for opening this post or you for posting it!!! 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:57pm
Ewwwwww.Dead
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:58pm
Originally posted by Merin Merin wrote:

I don't know who I am more angry with, me for opening this post or you for posting it!!! 
 
LOL!!!
 
That's what nosy gets you Tongue
 
 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:58pm
And CLC I can not stop watching that girl in your avi. She look like she tearing that phone up. Plus I always hear your siggy in my head while looking at it.LOL
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:58pm
yuck. do balut next.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 1:59pm
LOL, then you are truly on my level of crazy
 
welcome!  Grab a Twizzler!
 
 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 2:00pm
Looks like spider eggs!
 
 
dripping%20with%20natto%20goodness
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 2:00pm
Originally posted by Merin Merin wrote:

I don't know who I am more angry with, me for opening this post or you for posting it!!! 
 
LMAO.
leave it to you CLC
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 04 2009 at 2:00pm
Um...ready for the next?
 
I'm gonna warn you now...just because I don't want anyone's sh*tty monday to be made even sh*ttier by having to clean puke off the keyboard...DO NOT VIEW IF YOU HAVE A LOW TOLERANCE FOR NASTY FOOD THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST!
 
You have been warned...
 
 
 
 
 

Cuitlacoche

Cuitlacoche is a black fungus that infects corn fields, making the kernels bulbous and swollen as they fill with spores. It also goes by the name Huitlacoche. If you're having trouble with the pronounciation, it's: Cuitlacoche (kweet-lah-KOH-chay) or Huitlacoche (dat-s fukEn-NAS-tee).

It's safe to say this is the first time I've ever paid for an infection. I am, of course, not counting the one I got from your mother. (YES! You walked right into that.)

I've read that U.S. farmers consider it a disease and destroy it. Farmers in Mexico put it in cans and sell it as a delicacy. I travelled far and wide to find my own precious can of Cuitlacoche. Okay, it was at my supermarket, but I had to drive like two miles to get there and got stuck at a couple of lights.

Enough chit-chat. I'm gonna go dine on a can of disease. But before I do, I really do feel bad about that cheap mother joke. My sincere apologies to you and your lovely mom. (The filthy whore.) Be right back!



Oh, sweet Christ. Visually, I think the bar for Steve, Don't Eat It! is about to be set at a new low. So I'm going to ease you people into this one. Let's begin with a single spore-filled kernel before we examine the entire contents.

The following picture is a swear-to-God-unretouched-side-by-side comparison of a normal kernel of corn and an infected huitlacoche kernel, both from the same can.

These results can also be achieved by bombarding a kernel of corn with gamma rays and then making it angry. (But be warned. You won't like it when it's angry.)

Alright, you've waited long enough.

Presenting the entire can of imported sludge (that I was actually charged money for)...

Don't worry, I checked the ingredients before I tasted it. "Smoker's lung" was not on there.

Before I even got the whole can open, I detected a vague aroma of sweet corn, along with what I can only describe as a deep musky funk. Put 'em together and it smells like corn that forgot to wipe.

In just a single serving, you'll experience a wide array of textures. Without getting too gross, it's because the disease is more advanced in some kernels than others. One bite might be kinda chewy, while the next might burst in your mouth like a black pus-filled blister. (Whoops, forgot about the not-too-gross thing. Oh well. Nuts to you!)

So, how does Huitlacoche taste? Does it matter?? LOOK AT IT!

I guess it would be fair to say it doesn't taste as truly horrible as it looks. The flavor is elusive and difficult to describe, but I'll try: "Kinda yucky." Hey, that wasn't so hard after all. (Sometimes I forget I'm a goddamn wordsmith.)

For any connoisseurs, I'm not sure if this stuff would go better with red wine or white. How about with a bottle of Bactine? I've always found that goes great with infections.

Huitlacoche also goes by some other names. It's frequently called Maize Mushroom, Corn Smut, and Mexican Truffle. I've even heard it referred to as "Devil Poop"-- but that was only after I said it. (For God's sake, it comes with little bits of corn already in it! Talk about a time-saver.)

I thought it was interesting that Monteblanco chose to make their company logo the focal point of the can. I also found a can of huitlacoche from Goya. They, too, have downplayed the visuals by hiding it in a mild-mannered burrito.

I went ahead and made a new can label for the gang back at Cuitlacoche Central. As always, this is a free service.

Well, that brings us to the end of a long overdue Steve, Don't Eat It! And now I have a belly full of diseased corn. Maybe I should go see a doctor about a penicillin shot.

For your mom. (YES! In your face! Oh man...)

 


Edited by CLCNY20 - May 04 2009 at 11:08pm
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