1. The Person Who Is on a Marriage “Deadline”
This person is driving everyone crazy
because they are so determined to get married and have kids at any
cost, that they literally have no other interests besides planning a
wedding with a person who does not actually exist yet.
2. The Person Who Is Still Clubbing
Where is this person getting all the
energy required to look so incredibly ridiculous at a club? All they are
doing is aimlessly buying drinks for 21-year-olds with all of their
actual grown-up money.
3. The Slowly Becoming Conservative Person
This person has been golfing a lot
lately, and is starting to look suspiciously like your dad. You don’t
notice their right-leaning inclinations at first, because unlike your
grandparents, they don’t say racist things at dinner or forward you
weird emails about the Second Amendment. But then one day, they start a
sentence like, “You know, Rand Paul has a good point about…” and that’s
when you know it’s all over.
4. The Cat Mom
Not to be confused with a person who
owns a cat, the cat mom is a person who is more or less owned BY a cat.
They have the same conversations that a parent might have about a new
baby, except they are about a cat, so it’s a lot harder to take them
Life is too short to fight with someone about whether or not you take their cat seriously enough.
5. The Professional Grad Student
This person has been in grad school
for so long that you actually do not know what degree they are working
on anymore because they should have three Ph.D.s by now. Every time they
finish a degree, they get excited for a new degree, which makes you
wonder if they are less excited about school and more terrified of
But also, seriously, where are they getting all this money to go to school?
6. The Person Who Decides to Become a “Consultant.”
Very often, a “consultant” is a fancy
word for someone who is unemployed, and remains that way, because now
they are being more stubborn about taking normal jobs.
The best-case scenario is that they eventually can charge people a
lot of money in exchange for their adult opinions. Unfortunately, as a
result, they now often think their adult opinions are so awesome that
everyone should hear them, all the time, in all situations.
7. The Married Person Who Pressures You Into Coupling Up
This person will not take your single
status lying down. They are DETERMINED to set you up with someone,
because if they have to spend all their time as a couple, they might as
well have some company with someone they actually like… which is you!
Their friend. Whom they actually like.
Even worse is when this person is in one of the worst relationships you have ever seen.
8. The Spiritual Guru
This person is obsessed with the word
“wellness.” Their Pinterest board is almost entirely yoga poses,
meditation tips, and motivational quotations in various swirly fonts.
They are very happy, but the digestive tea they insist on drinking
smells terrible, and they will also make you feel guilty about eating
Cheetos, and you can’t have that.
9. The Parent You Never See Anymore
Once upon a time, you had a pretty
cool friend, and then they got married and had babies and lived happily
ever after and then you never saw them ever again… That is, unless you
have babies too.
10. The Person Who Is Still Drinking Like They Are 22
One of the best parts about getting
older is that your alcohol tolerance naturally decreases, and you become
a much cheaper date. This person, however, does not want any reminders
that they are getting older, and so they insist on constantly calling
you to come out to bars. On a Tuesday. At 10 a.m.
11. The Bitter Divorced Person
This person possibly got married a
little too young, and is pretty angry about it. Plus, they have just
re-entered the dating scene (which they might have been gone from for a
decade or more) and they do not like it. On the plus side, this person
has tons of great bad-date stories. On the negative side, these bad-date
stories are often their fault, which is awkward.
12. The Person Who Is Still an Intern
20th Century Fox
If someone has gotten all the way to
their thirties and has not managed to convince anyone to pay them for
their work, they are either in a horrible line of work or they have a
bad habit of being terrible at everything. Don’t let them in your house,
or they might start a fire — or worse, they might ask to crash on your
couch for “a few months.”
13. The Guy Who Only Dates College Girls
This person really, really wants to
feel impressive to someone. And the type of guy who can only impress
girls who are two-thirds his age and have way less money than him is the
type of guy you can pretty confidently not talk to ever again.
14. The Faux Mess
This person thinks they are a mess,
but is actually doing fine. But they are constantly checking in with
everyone just to make sure, which simultaneously drives everyone crazy
and makes their less successful friends feel terrible about their own
Luckily, this person can be saved by using some of their successful adult money to get a therapist.