last year i had a bottle full of pills; sitting in my apartment all alone, crying, and as i was about to take them, my phone rang. it was actually a call from a bhm member who no longer frequents here. we ended up talking for about an hour and that person ended up telling me how much i meant to them and how much they appreciate me being there for them without even knowing what i was about to do. and that shocked me because like you i didn't really think people thought of me that way. i know i'm not the worst daughter/sister/friend/cousin, etc in the world but i didn't think that i touched ppl like that and hearing that really made me feel so much better, like yes i matter. after we got off the phone i didn't take the pills but i knew my "high" at the moment was temporary. i needed to find a way to keep feeling this way.
there was a lot going on in my life at the time. yes i was successful in so many ways but i was also very lonely and have been dealing with depression for a very long time. no one ever stops to ask me if im ok; everyone comes to me for something but no one ever offers because to them i look like i had everything under control. i guess i came to the conclusion that i have a hand in my happiness and instead of trying to be perfect all the time and have a perfect life i should stop and smell the roses, and laugh, and dance, and joke, and eat good food, not be afraid to look like a fool, tell people no, etc. i do the weirdest shyt now; like go to a restaurant and get up and dance if they play a song i like and i'm sure people are looking at me funny but idgaf because i'm battling my own demons that they know nothing about and i'm trying to survive. i can't say this works all the time but its almost been a year and i do feel much brighter.
the thing about depression is that it never truly goes away so i'm preparing myself for the next hit, this time though i feel like i have learned more coping skills to help me deal with it when the time comes.
hugs to you my dear.