This new black sh*t reminded me of my weekend.
I spent Sunday
with my cousin. The cousin I wrote about here.
Brotha put police through a high speed chase because he got caught
with them thangs in his car. He apparently was able to ditch it by
the time the police caught him. But he's still facing some years. His
baby momma asked certain fam members, including me, to help bail him
out. I did. That was my podnah growing up. He has 2 daughters. I want
him to have a little bit more time with them before he goes up the
So he came home Sunday and I spent time with him and
some of my other cousins and their friends. I felt like I shook about 30 hands before I got a chance to sit down. The majority of the people there are all about that life, even the women. That's fam. I grew up with a lot of them Brothas. But that didn't help it feel any less awkward when I settled in.
Almost every conversation eventually narrowed
out to a conclusion that I'm different from them now. They asked what I'd
been up to, I mentioned my work, and they were like 'oh yeah you went
to college huh"
A few mins later my cousin mentioned how
he had been shot a few years back and how when it was time to return
the favor, they wasn't all indiscriminate like them "Chicago
Brothas", shooting up the block. I tell my cousin (the one I was
close to) that he has 2 daughters now and should be doing what he
needs to do to make sure he'll be out with them.
much goes over his case and how he'll accept the first deal they give
him but that he needs to go find that 'work' that he stashed during
the chase so that he can make sure his 'jits' are straight. He also says something slick about wanting his kids to 'be like me' but I bypass that comment and address him going back to find the drugs.
dude, I ain't bail you out so that you can go do something else
stupid. His baby mama agrees but then throws out that if he gets some years she might have to start backing selling pills..She is a nurse btw, so I had no idea she was into that too.
(And since I wear glasses, I prolly looked like that too).
convo moves to what we did on the 4th of July and one of my cousins
says he went to the railroad track and shot his chopper. My father died recently so I got four of his guns, two pistols,
a AR 15, and a mini 14 bullpup. I mention the guns I have and how I
want to go to a gun range to learn how to shoot them.
The cousin that shot his guns on the 4th looked at me as if I had said some lame sh*t.
He was like "You don't need them guns, Random. Pass
them over here to a real Brotha."
And then my cousin, the one I was close to, co-signs, adding "Yeah,
college boys ain't got to whack nobody."
I realize a lot
of that is in jest so I laughed with them, tried to roll with it, but
there was something about that 'real nigguh" comment that threw
me way off and had me like.
something that trivial wouldn't bother me at all but for reasons I
still don't quite get, I became pissed off, and for the rest of the
time there I threw several passive aggressive 'you ain't shi't and
'I'm glad I ain't like you comments out there.
lowkey posturing for who is a real Brotha.
Seems like the rest of my time there was hostile cordial, so I didn't stay too much longer.
When I got in the
car to leave with my girl I went on a little tangent that came
dangerously close to sounding like a new black rant. It was sort of
embarrassing when I caught myself (or should I say when my girl
pointed it out). I said a lot of sh*t in anger that would make Bill
Cosby and Don Lemon proud.
Typing it all out, I still don't
know what parts of my rant were true, what part was my own immaturity/insecurity, and what part was some respectability politics that I
might grudgingly buy into. Guess I need to analyze my behavior, not
just my reaction to the comment, but possibly how I came across when
I went 'over there' to be with them after my cousin came home.
feel like I go hard defending the 'Daquan's, doing my best not to
separate myself from them as if I'm better, doing my best to
understand where they are coming from, putting out the message that
no young black men, whether they be Trayvon, Jordan Davis, Oscar
Grant, a college kid with a 4.0, or a high school dropout collecting
unemployment, deserves to be killed, stalked, or shown no respect by
our law enforcement or justice system. I remember boo hoo crying during Fruitvale Station
thinking about how much effort the media and white people put into
painting young black men as thugs so that it justifies what happens
to them unjustly, and thinking even IF a young black men is a thug,
he still deserves all of the justice of any other citizen.
past the tears of movies and blog posts, maybe I'm still on some new
black sh*t unintentionally. I don't particularly care about coming across as corny because I am in a lot of respects, but I've never intended to ever come across as a sell out or holier than thou. But maybe that's how I'm looking these days.
Edited by Random Thoughts - Jul 09 2014 at 3:01pm