OP, I love my husband dearly. But there was a breaking point where I had to leave him, change my phone number and let him work his issues out. He could only talk to me at marital counseling appointments. I had a list of things for him to do if he wanted to be part of mine and our children's lives. Anger management, personal counseling, alcohol counseling. And if he tried to find or contact me or failed to COMPLETE any of the above, the deal was done.
You have to do what you have to do for yourself and your children if you have any. Find a safe anonymous shelter and stay there and get the counseling and help YOU need because you are brainwashed. I didn't know I was brainwashed until I was sitting in a group counseling session learning about abusers. I burst into tears. He was textbook though he hadn't laid a finger on me. Everything was set up to go that way. I was probably the only person who didn't see it coming.
Yes I felt dumb too but saying you need help and seeking it out is not dumb at all. You need the tools and support to put yourself back together. NO ONE knew me and my children were in a shelter. Just my auntie and granddaddy because they were the only ones who wouldn't either berate me or murder my husband.
I don't know how your story ends. For me, I saw the changes in the marital counseling. I saw the deep, deep issues THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME that started from before he was old enough to wipe his own behind. He was peeling those layers back in his personal counseling sessions but I saw a changed man in our marital counseling. I saw more of the parts of him I loved and less and less of the parts that petrified me.
The shelter we were in had a name on every door. I asked why one day and those names were former residents who went back and were murdered by their abusers.
Every story doesn't end with reconciliation and healing but the abuse has to stop before your name is on a shelter door and your body is in a grave.
I say this from the bottom of my heart, when you make your plan, be safe. The night I tried to get away was the night, the only night, he physically hurt me. I later learned that is how a lot of women die. However you have to get away safely is how you have to do it. A friend of mine's mother left naked running and ran to the police department. Nothing is seamless. This stuff isn't easy.
I pray your safety, your reconciliation with yourself and God's will for your marriage and family.