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Someone Please Help Me

 
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**RuBy FoXx** View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote **RuBy FoXx** Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 5:50pm

I just wrote a long response to this and bhm deleted it but i said that this was really helpful and that all my caseworkers and counselors believe him to be my ONLY support right now

Originally posted by Lite Brite Lite Brite wrote:


You can talk to your counselor, confidentially
 
Laws vary by state, but never heard of a state where they must report domestic violence
 
Your counselor had to report the molestation because you were a minor.
 
Child abuse/neglect must be reported as well as elder/dependent adult abuse (dependent adult does not mean you depend on him financially. That terms refers to someone disabled/mentally retarded etc).
 
The other exception that I know of where they have to report is the "imminent danger" rule.
So, for example if he calls you when you're in the counselor's office and says when you get home he's going to shoot you, and you start to leave... then they can report
 
If it makes you feel better, look up "Therapist duty to report (insert state you live in)"
 
Don't look at the ones for medical doctors, as theirs are diff.
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**RuBy FoXx** View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote **RuBy FoXx** Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 5:53pm

If it wasn't for my child, i honestly would have killed myself by now. I am always taking care of my child &.our incidents don't happen in front of him
Originally posted by melikey melikey wrote:

is your child in this home?
it seems like the two of you are so trapped in dysfunction no one is concerned about the well being of the child. 
i could never imagine myself in your shoes but i wish you can put your feelings and his feelings aside for a while and consider what you are exposing your child to. 
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K_Camille View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote K_Camille Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 5:58pm
Originally posted by **RuBy FoXx** **RuBy FoXx** wrote:


If it wasn't for my child, i honestly would have killed myself by now. I am always taking care of my child &.our incidents don't happen in front of him
 

You don't believe your husband beating on you has an effect on your child? 
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Lite Brite View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lite Brite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:01pm
Originally posted by **RuBy FoXx** **RuBy FoXx** wrote:


I just wrote a long response to this and bhm deleted it but i said that this was really helpful and that all my caseworkers and counselors believe him to be my ONLY support right now
 
I'm not sure if you're saying this to mean that you think it qualifies you as a "dependent adult" and therefore they would have to report. But it does not. If you were wheelchair bound and physically depended on him to feed/clothe you, or if you were mentally retarded, then it would.
 
Counselors/caseworkers talk often about support/support systems because it's important for your mental health to have a positive support system comprised of multiple people. However, it does not make you a dependent adult because he's the only person in your support system
 
Talk to your counselor. If not, use the information people have PMed you
 
I wish you well. Don't let him kill you. I'm sure he'll try.
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**RuBy FoXx** View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote **RuBy FoXx** Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:05pm
No no noyou definitely misunderstood me. I was not trying to say im an dependent adult at all. I said that because i believe they will be shocked when i tell them otherwise because everyone believes him to be this awesome support when in reality hes abusive to me


Originally posted by Lite Brite Lite Brite wrote:

Originally posted by **RuBy FoXx** **RuBy FoXx** wrote:


I just wrote a long response to this and bhm deleted it but i said that this was really helpful and that all my caseworkers and counselors believe him to be my ONLY support right now

 
I'm not sure if you're saying this to mean that you think it qualifies you as a "dependent adult" and therefore they would have to report. But it does not. If you were wheelchair bound and physically depended on him to feed/clothe you, or if you were mentally retarded, then it would.
 
Counselors/caseworkers talk often about support/support systems because it's important for your mental health to have a positive support system comprised of multiple people. However, it does not make you a dependent adult because he's the only person in your support system
 
Talk to your counselor. If not, use the information people have PMed you
 
I wish you well. Don't let him kill you. I'm sure he'll try.
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ThatGurlD View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (10) Thanks(10)   Quote ThatGurlD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:08pm
OP, I love my husband dearly.  But there was a breaking point where I had to leave him, change my phone number and let him work his issues out.  He could only talk to me at marital counseling appointments.  I had a list of things for him to do if he wanted to be part of mine and our children's lives.  Anger management, personal counseling, alcohol counseling.  And if he tried to find or contact me or failed to COMPLETE any of the above, the deal was done.  

You have to do what you have to do for yourself and your children if you have any.  Find a safe anonymous shelter and stay there and get the counseling and help YOU need because you are brainwashed.  I didn't know I was brainwashed until I was sitting in a group counseling session learning about abusers.  I burst into tears.  He was textbook though he hadn't laid a finger on me.  Everything was set up to go that way.  I was  probably the only person who didn't see it coming.

Yes I felt dumb too but saying you need help and seeking it out is not dumb at all.  You need the tools and support to put yourself back together.  NO ONE knew me and my children were in a shelter.  Just my auntie and granddaddy because they were the only ones who wouldn't either berate me or murder my husband.

I don't know how your story ends.  For me, I saw the changes in the marital counseling.  I saw the deep, deep issues THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME that started from before he was old enough to wipe his own behind.  He was peeling those layers back in his personal counseling sessions but I saw a changed man in our marital counseling.  I saw more of the parts of him I loved and less and less of the parts that petrified me.  

The shelter we were in had a name on every door.  I asked why one day and those names were former residents who went back and were murdered by their abusers.

Every story doesn't end with reconciliation and healing but the abuse has to stop before your name is on a shelter door and your body is in a grave.  

I say this from the bottom of my heart, when you make your plan, be safe.  The night I tried to get away was the night, the only night, he physically hurt me.  I later learned that is how a lot of women die.  However you have to get away safely is how you have to do it.  A friend of mine's mother left naked running and ran to the police department.  Nothing is seamless.  This stuff isn't easy.  

I pray your safety, your reconciliation with yourself and God's will for your marriage and family.
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**RuBy FoXx** View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote **RuBy FoXx** Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:09pm
No what im saying is regardless of what is going on in my life i always take care of my child the best i can and try to keep him away from all this mess.

Originally posted by K_Camille K_Camille wrote:

Originally posted by **RuBy FoXx** **RuBy FoXx** wrote:


If it wasn't for my child, i honestly would have killed myself by now. I am always taking care of my child &.our incidents don't happen in front of him
 


You don't believe your husband beating on you has an effect on your child? 
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**RuBy FoXx** View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote **RuBy FoXx** Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:20pm
You are a strong woman and im glad things are better for you. In getting sad reading this because i kinda feel when i leave he'll just be happy. And i will have lost the only person who i thought was there for me. I honestly called last night and told the operator that i needed to get my baby and i in the shelter but but she told me they were full and told me to just stay where i am . They just thought i was having a emotional episode but didn't realize it was because im in an abusive relationship . And i didn't tell because i was afraid to. & i hung up when he knocked at the door. I called a hotline before that and i was crying so much i could barely talk. Then.my phone cut.off. i assumed it to be a sign


Originally posted by ThatGurlD ThatGurlD wrote:

OP, I love my husband dearly.  But there was a breaking point where I had to leave him, change my phone number and let him work his issues out.  He could only talk to me at marital counseling appointments.  I had a list of things for him to do if he wanted to be part of mine and our children's lives.  Anger management, personal counseling, alcohol counseling.  And if he tried to find or contact me or failed to COMPLETE any of the above, the deal was done.  

You have to do what you have to do for yourself and your children if you have any.  Find a safe anonymous shelter and stay there and get the counseling and help YOU need because you are brainwashed.  I didn't know I was brainwashed until I was sitting in a group counseling session learning about abusers.  I burst into tears.  He was textbook though he hadn't laid a finger on me.  Everything was set up to go that way.  I was  probably the only person who didn't see it coming.

Yes I felt dumb too but saying you need help and seeking it out is not dumb at all.  You need the tools and support to put yourself back together.  NO ONE knew me and my children were in a shelter.  Just my auntie and granddaddy because they were the only ones who wouldn't either berate me or murder my husband.

I don't know how your story ends.  For me, I saw the changes in the marital counseling.  I saw the deep, deep issues THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME that started from before he was old enough to wipe his own behind.  He was peeling those layers back in his personal counseling sessions but I saw a changed man in our marital counseling.  I saw more of the parts of him I loved and less and less of the parts that petrified me.  

The shelter we were in had a name on every door.  I asked why one day and those names were former residents who went back and were murdered by their abusers.

Every story doesn't end with reconciliation and healing but the abuse has to stop before your name is on a shelter door and your body is in a grave.  

I say this from the bottom of my heart, when you make your plan, be safe.  The night I tried to get away was the night, the only night, he physically hurt me.  I later learned that is how a lot of women die.  However you have to get away safely is how you have to do it.  A friend of mine's mother left naked running and ran to the police department.  Nothing is seamless.  This stuff isn't easy.  

I pray your safety, your reconciliation with yourself and God's will for your marriage and family.
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AwesomeAries View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote AwesomeAries Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:33pm
I'm praying for you.
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indiecat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote indiecat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Sep 08 2013 at 6:39pm
I'm in a simar situation, but I'm not married and I'm expecting a child. LEAVE, at least call of a break from each other. give yourself a month or 2 to think without his influence and seeing him so much. Nobody should have to live like this. I have left my SO a few times, but only to see he pretended to change to get me back and went back to old ways. Now, I'm stuck because like you, I love the fool, or maybe I'm a people saver and want to help his issues. he cannot work on his issues without counseling or seeing what he has lost.
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