Black Hair Media Forum Homepage
BHM BHM BHM
Forum Home Forum Home > Lets Talk > Relationships
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Should I stick around?
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Register Register  Login Login
Angkor Cambodian Hair
 

Should I stick around?

 
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <123>
It Always Begin With Beautiful Hair

Bootiful Cream



Author
sexyandfamous View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Nov 06 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Status: Offline
Points: 49631
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 30 2014 at 5:21pm
He sounds like a nice guy but the fact that he is family oriented yet he can't talk about you with his mother irks me. And also how his family ignores you and only speak in English when they are addressing you.
I think you should slowly back off, don't fool yourself thinking this guy is the one, because as Printer said, he (or probably his family) might later ship a "nice girl" from some African country who follows their family values and has never been with a man before.
Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
whitrhymes View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Apr 05 2010
Location: US
Status: Offline
Points: 7885
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote whitrhymes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 30 2014 at 6:31pm
The funny thing is I actually joke with him about these horrible scenarios. I really don't find what you all are saying hard to believe because despite what he says his actions with buying the house and all are not actions that would make me think he was planning on a future with me. I guess I have been believing what I want rather than what is in front of my face.

It's hard though because I know he genuinely cares about me so I don't know why he would even get involved knowing the expected outcome. His best friend is married to a girl like the one you described. And now that I think about it. ALL of the Africans I know are married to other Africans. ALL of them.

I really don't want to believe his family is being intentionally rude... But there really isn't any other explanation, considering how long I have been around them. And his sister is not really what I would call traditional either, she had her first child of out wedlock and has a couple tattoos so I wouldn't assume she would feel that way about American women, but you may be right.
Back to Top
whitrhymes View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Apr 05 2010
Location: US
Status: Offline
Points: 7885
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote whitrhymes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 30 2014 at 6:48pm
Originally posted by Tbaby Tbaby wrote:

Originally posted by whitrhymes whitrhymes wrote:

Though I love him, I feel like I would be settling a bit rather than being with man I felt completely happy and sure about. And we don't currently have an major relationship issues I suppose, but just because nothing is really wrong, doesn't mean it's right for me either... But I don't want to be that girl that breaks a good guy's heart... I feel like he really is a catch, just not MY catch.


You really answered your own dilemna in the second post.  You and him are mismatched,with you being more financially secure and careerwise much farther ahead.  He will grow to either allow you to be a "suga mama" or end up resenting your success and/or his failures.  Find someone who's more financially your same level or greater. 

The alcohol thing I really don't see that as a deal breaker either.



Yeah I don't want to be held back because he can't match me... I don't think I've ever been with a man who was on the same level. That's a problem. Like I said I always see potential more than what is in front of my face.

It's not really the alcohol thing, I guess it's more about culture because when I am with a large group 9 time out of 10 alcohol is involved and I don't think he would be comfortable and then I'm not comfortable. ]
Back to Top
sugabanana View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Dec 08 2011
Location: Mafia Town
Status: Offline
Points: 92661
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sugabanana Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 30 2014 at 7:13pm
I agree with what Printer stated. He could be a very sincere guy but just not for you. He is family oriented and will most likely marry a girl from his country once he gets his stuff together. You are on level 9 while he is still on level 3. IF you're going to stay you will need extreme patience and wisdom. The lovey dovey stuff will fade so what are the core values and benefits that you have left. 

OP I would tell me own sister this...........Start distancing yourself slowly but surely cos hes not ready to marry you anytime soon. 
Back to Top
sexyandfamous View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Nov 06 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Status: Offline
Points: 49631
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 30 2014 at 8:16pm
Not only he is not ready to marry her, but he is not on the same level as she is.
He should be seem as a fun guy to spend time with, a frog, not the man you'll marry because he is living his life the way he finds best for him right now.
Back to Top
Printer_Ink View Drop Down
Guest Group
Guest Group
Avatar

Joined: Dec 29 2011
Location: Amsterdam
Status: Offline
Points: 22533
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 31 2014 at 3:40am
Originally posted by whitrhymes whitrhymes wrote:

The funny thing is I actually joke with him about these horrible scenarios. I really don't find what you all are saying hard to believe because despite what he says his actions with buying the house and all are not actions that would make me think he was planning on a future with me. I guess I have been believing what I want rather than what is in front of my face.

It's hard though because I know he genuinely cares about me so I don't know why he would even get involved knowing the expected outcome. His best friend is married to a girl like the one you described. And now that I think about it. ALL of the Africans I know are married to other Africans. ALL of them.

I really don't want to believe his family is being intentionally rude... But there really isn't any other explanation, considering how long I have been around them. And his sister is not really what I would call traditional either, she had her first child of out wedlock and has a couple tattoos so I wouldn't assume she would feel that way about American women, but you may be right.
 
Ummm his family is CERTAINLY intentionally rude to you .. but don't take it personally. He is under pressure to marry according to his familyt's wishes. He is THE MAN afterall.
 
His actions tell you the way he is thinking ... he just can't TELL YOU .. because then you would be gone - right?
 
I think you are a bit niave .. maybe a bit young but I learned this lesson about men from Africa when I was about 28. Never again honeychile. Ouch  (I am always running into African guys over here too .. but I am not interested. I meet the Morrocan and Turkish men a lot too.... NOT INTERESTED!)
 
This guy has been sowing his wild oats with an American girl (that will give him sex) because in his culture ... the marrigeable girls are not having sex. BE CLEAR ABOUT THIS. He may really care about you .. but in the  end .. he has gotta settle down with one of those 'housewives'  types ... and that will be their whole life.
 
The thing is .. when people move to new countries (even to Europe) some of the kids stay traditional and some of them go BUCK WILD! That sounds like what is happening with his sister. She came to America and saw allllll the options available to women in this country and said 'F*** yáll' I am going get a tatoo and have sex and do whatever the heck I want.' Hee hee! So they have gotta put up with her. Confused
 
But with men .. noooo. They like THE POWER they have over the women in their traditional culture - so they are not so willing to give that all up.
 
1) you are beautiful .. he is probably not .. so he is below you
2) you are educated .. he is not ... he is below you
3) you are making good money .. he is not ... he is below you.
 
IMO it's is never a good thing to 'date down' unless you just wanna have 'fun' nothing real. But it sounds like you are wanting a future with a guy that has not illustrated one thing that indicates he wants a future with you. Ouch  That right there should tell you what you need to be doing ASIDE from the cultural thing.
 
This guy is just having his fun with you so don't owe him anything like a slow let down. Nooo  please dump him before he dumps you ... because it's gotta happen. Confused Sooner or later.


Edited by Printer_Ink - Jan 31 2014 at 3:48am
Back to Top
MissCassC View Drop Down
Platinum Member
Platinum Member
Avatar

Joined: Oct 11 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 22130
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote MissCassC Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 31 2014 at 9:17am
I can't say anything about the cultural stuff due to lack of experience on my part, but your cons list does seem quite long.  It's gigantic when you compare it to your pros list.  That would make me think you might need to move on.
Back to Top
whitrhymes View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Apr 05 2010
Location: US
Status: Offline
Points: 7885
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote whitrhymes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 31 2014 at 10:08am
OuchOuchOuchOuch

I feel kind of stupid.

He has definitely raised his stock since we got together. I encouraged him to apply for a new position, helped with his resume and cover letter... taught him to dress better for work.  He got the job and is definitely recognized more by upper level management.  I've helped him with a couple papers here and there.  I was doing these things with US in mind. Cry  I don't want to keep grooming this man so he can be better for someone else.

I can't say that I've gained anything permanent from having him in my life Confused...  It hurts to have to chalk this one up to a lesson. But considering the ending everyone  says it will have, its for the best to realize it now rather than a year or two down the road when I am actually ready to be married and start a family.  I know I have to do better for myself. It's just a struggle to cut the emotions out of it.
Back to Top
Printer_Ink View Drop Down
Guest Group
Guest Group
Avatar

Joined: Dec 29 2011
Location: Amsterdam
Status: Offline
Points: 22533
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 31 2014 at 11:29am
Yep, you did too much for him - another mistake.

As a woman ... do not do things for men to 'help' them. ÝOU ARE THE PRIZE! Men should be doing things FOR YOU.

I told this story in an earlier thread:

I have a somewhat friend that was with a guy for 3 years. She is (Black) Dutch and he is from Egypt. He is living in this country (Holland) illegally. Okay, they met and got involved and she went   to the immigration office and sponsored him to live in this country. (Big deal and expensive). Then he said he wanted to open a business - so she helped him get that established. After a while this other female is always at his business .. bottom line .. he announces one day that he wants to leave and marry her. :(

1) this girl was not married to this guy .. they were just shacking up. Wrong. No commitment. I do not believe in living with guy outside of marriage. Why .. cow ... free milk...

2) she tells me that she does not know why he left ... because she GAVE HIM EVERYTHING. Well, a man will take whatever you give him .. but that does not translate into real love. ShE should not have done S*** for him!

3) so now he is married to this other woman that probably considers herself lucky that she met this good looking guy with his legal papers and with his own successful business.

This somewhat friend has gotten thin and gray and still obsessing over this situation and it has been over 4 years now.

But the thing is WHY THE HECK did she sponsor this nobody guy to live in this country when everyone knows these illegal men are just looking for woman to help them get their legel papers!!

Moral of the story ... do not HELP men. Helping him will not make him love you more nor will it guilt him into staying with you. When a woman comes around that will allow HIM to be the big man he will dump you ... take care of her.

(of course, if it were the other way around .. a woman needing help from a man .. VIOLA! It would have worked out ... perfectly! She would have never left him .. but men and women are different!)
Back to Top
sexyandfamous View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Nov 06 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Status: Offline
Points: 49631
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 31 2014 at 1:51pm
Don't feel stupid. You are a good person and you wanted to help. Sure, you had in mind that you were helping him to be better for you, as a couple, but we all sometimes become blind and don't realize we are grooming a guy who is not doing his part in helping us be better.

Just end it already to save yourself time and headache. You still have feelings for him, so it will be hard for a while, but eventually you will move on, because now you know that this relationship would not go anywhere and the hurt would be much bigger, even 6 months from now, when he would/will get promoted, make more money and then dump you.

On your next relationship, watch out if the guy is giving back the same you are giving, which is seeing your potential and helping you grow. I read once something that said "there is nothing more rewarding than seeing your partner shine". If the guy honestly cares about you, he would also help you out in growing and being better than you already are.

Printer already stated those facts, but they show how little he has to offer:

1) you are beautiful (you really are!).. he is probably not .. so he is below you
2) you are educated .. he is not ... he is below you
3) you are making good money .. he is not ... he is below you.
Back to Top
Get Longer Healthier Faster Growing Hair
Get Healthier Stronger Longer Hair
Glam Twinz
Weave Connection
Little Black Scarf
Human Hair Wigs
Wefting Training
Brazilian Hair
Brazilian Hair
Wig and Hair Extension on Amazon
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <123>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down