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<3bonnie. View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Should I feel badly ( advice needed )
    Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 9:37pm

It's about my dad *

My uncle informed me that my brother sees our dad as a "loser," and has called him that on a many occasion ( to my uncle only ). Oddly enough, hearing my uncle repeat those words, hearing the way my brother viewed our dad, broke my heart. Not because my brother thought such a way for him, but because in my heart I knew his view is true. It breaks my heart to see the way he's choosing to live his life; without a care, and not giving a damn about his children's feelings. I've spent so much of my life stressing, worrying and crying over him and his condition, only to be slapped in the face each and every time.
 
My uncle asked when was the last time I saw my dad. Well, he actually asked if I had seen him since Christmas. He was shocked to hear that I hadn't even seen him since I had left for college in August. I don't really have a desire to. I don't think I can take seeing him.
 
I'm just .. tired of being lied to; tired of false promises of getting help. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, believing that my dad will live to see another year, and won't fall victim to alcohol abuse like his father and brother have. He's promised that he would stop drinking, and that he would get help. He's called me saying he was tired of it .. all of it, and knew that he needed help. Then he'd call hours later drunk. My brother would go to see him and if I'd ask if he was drinking the only thing he could do was shrug his shoulders while looking at the ground.
 
I'm crying because he continues to break my heart, and has been doing so since I was younger. My first heart break was caused by him. I want him to get better, and feel that if I cut him off I'd be abandoning him. BUT, I don't know how much more my heart can take - I don't know how many let downs and sleepless nights, worrying as to whether or not he's still alive I can take. I've lived in fear; fear of getting that phone call saying that he's gotten himself into something and is either missing or dead.
 
My grandmom says he's been messing with drugs, and has advised him to "leave those drugs alone." I knew he smoked weed. I don't know if that's the "drugs" she's referring to. She probably knows more about him than I do.
 
He calls my brother asking why I don't call or come see him; why I don't like him. Of course he says that when he's been drinking. Each time my brother tells him "It's because you drink. She doesn't like seeing you drunk." And each time I'm put on the phone and he promises he'll change. And like an idiot, I believe him Confused I want to believe him. I want to have a real dad in my life, and I want him to be that. I want him to want that too. I want him to get well, not only for me, but for my two brothers and the rest of my family. I don't think he fully understands what he puts us through ..
 
.. But, until he wants it, I mean really wants it, I can't see myself having any type of relationship with him.
 
So my question is: Should I feel badly for wanting nothing to do with my him?
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mzmart View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 9:57pm
sorry to hear of your situation, i dont think you should feel badly for something that seems uncontorable and out of your hands, your father must and needs to change and just the matter that he is blood no relations cannot be forced,but eventually you can forgive him to find peace with in yourself but he needs seek intervention and counseling to help stare him in that right direction because it seems he is headed in a downward spiral, hope and pray that he gets the help that is needed before its to late.
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 10:15pm
not at all. addiction is a disease by choice. until he realizes that he is capable of beating it he wont. and right now it doesnt sound like he is capable.
 
you have to love him from a distance.
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<3bonnie. View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 10:59pm
Thank you ladies; for not only taking the time to read my post, but also for giving me advice.
 
I'll continue to pray for him.


Edited by <3bonnie. - Jan 04 2008 at 10:59pm
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 11:11pm
don't feel bad. i cut my biological father out of my life in 6th grade and i have rarely regretted my decision. sometimes i will and then i find out he'll do something grimy again and i will remember why he is so toxic, despite his new family. 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 11:18pm
No, you shouldn't feel bad.  I've dealt w/ alcoholism in my family, and I've had those same feelings.  Like Short~n~Nappy said, it's a toxic relationship.  It sounds like you're torn btw the love for your father and the feeling of dealing w/ his problems. 

There's no shame in not wanting to be a part of a relationship like that.  It doesn't mean you love your father any less, and you have your own peace of mind to handle.  My advice: let him know that you love him but he needs to get help and that's not something you can do for him.  Let him know what scares you (the history of drinking in your family & the fact that he's damaging his body) and offer your support.   Ultimately, your father will do what he wants to do, and it will be up to him to stop drinking, not you.

Good luck.  I'll say a prayer for you.Hug
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<3bonnie. View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 11:48pm
Thank you Smile
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<3bonnie. View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 05 2008 at 12:15am
Originally posted by babyphat4me babyphat4me wrote:

family come first in all occasions
put his ass in rehab
 
I, nor anyone else, can force him to go. He's said that he was going to get help; told my grandmother as well as my aunt and uncle. He hasn't though Ouch
 
The fact that he hasn't received help is making me think that he doesn't want the help Confused He talks about it, but always finds himself sitting next to empty malt liquor bottles. I don't know ..
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 05 2008 at 12:20am
^u know sometimes YOU have to come first. i love my family but i will not let them kill me. he is a grown man and should be held responsible as one. 
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 05 2008 at 12:32am
Rehab only works if you want to go, otherwise it's a joke.  Don't let your father get in the way of your personal happiness.  If he wants to continue to make the CHOICE to go down that path, don't allow him to take you with him.  You don't deserve that.
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