Y’all work with me here. I have not had the motivation to blog as of lately, so some of my T’s are delayed. Anyway, I was a wedding guest at Kandi’s wedding and overall, it was a phenomenal wedding. I’m late at this point, but I’m sure by now you guys know who all was in attendance. I’ll skip all of that and speak on some of the stuff you guys have been hearing about as it relates to Fantasia and Mama Joyce.
First off, let me take a moment to go the hell off. Never again will I attend a wedding that is being produced for television. The wedding invitation said the wedding started at 5pm. Chile when I was walking up the stairs at 5:20pm, Fantasia was just getting out of the car all dry faced, with no makeup on and a sweat suit. I thought to myself “awwww sh!t, this is going to be a long day.”
Once inside, the music was pumping and the cocktails were pouring. Chile, 3 hours later, everyone was like “why the f&ck are we still standing in this reception area drinking this tired a$$ wine?” Finally at around 8:15, we were called to move to the ceremony area. You would think at that point Kandi would have strolled her ass down the aisle. Think again! We sat in the ceremony area for another hour before Kandi brought her ass out. Now at this point, a b!tch was ready to go. Here it is, its after 9pm on a Friday, a b!tch hadn’t eaten since lunch, we had been drinking wine since 5:30, a b!tch is half drunk, hungry, and my feet hurt. Y’all know dress clothes only have about a 4 hour lifespan on them before they start becoming stuffy and uncomfortable.
At around 9:15, Kandi comes gliding her ass down the aisle. At that damn point, I was so hungry and had to pee so damn bad, I didn’t half care what the hell was going on up on the stage. All I kept thinking to myself was, “can they hurry up and jump this damn broom so I can jump this bathroom line?” Y’all know they got me all sewed up with these confidentiality agreements, so all I can say is the ceremony was awesome. To protect myself, I can only speak to what has already been leaked. Hell, that way, I can look at them hoes and say “b!tch, I ain’t the one who leaked Fantasia was drunk bootz and cussing like a sailor during her wedding speech. That sh!t was all over the internet before I even said anything.” See how that works? Ok, back to the story…
Ok so after the ceremony, they moved us back to the waiting area, while they converted the ceremony area into a dining area. Pretty customary. I’ve gone to plenty of weddings where this was done. The real gag is, the hors d´oeuvres we had created a whole knew definition of “light hors d´oeuvres”. Chile them thangs were stingy. Nessa Girl I was OVER Miss Kandi hunty! You mean to tell me it is now close to 11pm, a b!tch is drunk, I ain’t ate since lunch, and you got the nerve to serve me a crab cake the size of a nickel? Ohh hell no ma’am, The Doll is not going for this. Chile, myself, Mona Scott-Young, Tracy Christian, Benzino, and Stevie-J, had done packed all our sh!t and was on the way to Houston’s. Hunty, it was 11:15 and I was on the phone with Houston’s checking to see what time they closed and letting them know that we were on the way. As we were hightailing it out the door, Kirk Frost stopped us and threw a wrench in our escape plan. Kirk pleaded with us to stay, and bribed us by saying if he could get us into the dinning area right away would we stay? Considering it was now 11:20, factoring in the drive to Houston’s, and also factoring in that it couldn’t be much longer before they actually served dinner, we decided to stay.
Chile, now that its 11:30is and all the guest are inside the dinning area, you would think we would begin eating right? Chile, them people brought out the stingiest mixed green salad i had ever seen, then had the nerve to put a small squirt of dressing in the corner of the plate and some some damn walnuts. I was thinking to myself, “b!tch y’all could have kept these damn walnuts and gave me some more salad.” I ain’t gone lie though, I was so damn HOWNGRY, that was the best salad I had ever had.
Ok, its about 11:45, and a hamster sized portion of salad is not enough to counteract 6 hours of drinking. Bring on the main coarse, NOT. Chile all food services STOPPED as Kandi & Todd came out and dis their first dance and all that jazz. It was beautiful. Y’all will catch all that on the wedding special. After they sat their asses down, finally a little after midnight, we could eat! Yasssss there is a GAWD. The food was good, yata yata yata.
Ok, Miss Fantasia and Mamma Joyce. Let me tell y’all something, Fantasia Barrino must have been drinking since 5:15 just as the rest of us, because mama’s wedding speech was RAUNCHY as hell. Chile mama dropped more F bombs and called Kandi more b!tches than I could handle. Mama was just rambling on & on, and non of it quite made any sense. Wedding guest were mortified. At one point, Sherry Sheppard yelled “Fantasia.” I heard some old woman say “ohhh somebody needs to get her.” Quiet as its kept, after being on my feet for all them damn hours with no food, this was just the kind of entertainment I needed to make up for the trauma and starvation. I was tickled as hell. The debauchery stopped when all the brideMAIDS made a bee line for Fanny and huddled around her and subtly grabbed the mic and began giving their speeches.
Mama Joyce, what can I say? She looked nice. Her hair was layed to the Gawds. Uhhmmm she didn’t look happy, she frowned throughout the ceremony, and quite honestly looked as if someone twisted her arm to participate in the wedding.
There you have it. Chile i done f&cked around and got hungry writing this long ass post. Let me get my a$$ off this computer and make me a real salad. BYE
#I just realized that I’m an excellent story teller…