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Printed From: Black Hair Media Forum
Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Talk, Talk, and More Talk
Forum Description: In this Forum, the talk is about everything that can be talked about.
Printed Date: Nov 21 2018 at 2:58pm

Topic: Welp..
Posted By: Midna
Subject: Welp..
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 4:38am
My mother has gone to jail. :\

She attempted to stab her deadbeat boyfriend/husband/whatever he is. A part of me sighs in relief because ultimately the abusive aspects of her are ensured to stay out of my life. The man himself isn't any better, he's an inappropriate bum who mooches off her while also disrespecting her and the two are just the epitome of relationship toxicity.

But I'm also hurting. This is my mother, after all.. I have no intent to ever get close to her but I also feel simply abandoning her and letting her rot in jail makes me no better than her.

BHM, have you ever gone through a loved one going to jail? How does this work..? This is.. completely alien territory to me, information-wise and.. emotionally.

I'll be honest, it's not looking good for her. Bail is at $50k and because she used a kitchen knife, her chances at a positive outcome are grim.

Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 5:39am
Originally posted by Midna Midna wrote:

But I'm also hurting. This is my mother, after all..


Posted By: kfoxx1998
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 7:24am

I understand because my mother can be very toxic.  

I never know how to respond to these types of incidents with family members but my older sister has no issue making calls and arrangements.   I let her handle it. 

Posted By: newdiva1
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 7:32am
Dang Midna. Hmmm...well. My mom has gone to jail but we did not bail her out or anything. She needed to be in there to dry out. We did not do anything except visit her, call her or she would call us and put money on her books until she got out.

Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 7:35am

Good luck ..

All the best ..

Just try and protect her assets if you can.. That's the least you can do

Posted By: MissDarkEyes
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 8:30am
Family or not, you just can't help people that don't want to be helped.  She chose her way and has to live with the consequences, unfortunately.  You can only hope that *maybe* this will be a wake up call for her.  Hell, NO man is worth going to prison over. Cry

Posted By: kerysdream7
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 8:35am

Posted By: mizzsandra00
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 8:45am
Awwww can't help loving your mom because aint nothing like momma....

Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 8:56am
Depending on the amount of time she gets, I would go pack her belongings and if I had room store them for her, if not do you have any sibling who could take some of the things.

People who have had loving sane mothers will never really understand a toxic mother daughter relationship. I had to dig deep down in my soul to let Mama Grace come live with me, and some days I say silent prayers before I enter her room. 

I am a firm believer that dna cannot be the only tie that binds us, if someone makes you feel a way and you express how it makes you feel and they do NOTHING to work on changing then they dont give a phuck, and it comes down to YOUR happiness or them. They straight losing every time with me. First law of nature is self preservation for a reason. 

Life is too short to be burdened with someone elses situations that their actions show they aint really worrying about themselves. 

Posted By: newin2009
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 9:06am
I don't know the history of you and mom. Not sure if you've talked about on here, but you could put a few bucks on her books here and there. Maybe write her a time or two. And visit if you feel you can handle seeing her. That way, you're not completely abandoning her, but still keeping some distance.

Posted By: NuAttitude
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 9:10am
Hug  Hug 

Posted By: kfoxx1998
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 10:16am
Originally posted by Princess Grace Princess Grace wrote:

People who have had loving sane mothers will never really understand a toxic mother daughter relationship.

Handshake I was thinking exactly this when I posted. 

Makes you feel like a bad daughter too because you WANT to be good to your mom and be involved with her daily and tell stories about how wonderful she is.  I really envy that.   DNA doesn't mean a damn thing to me if all you got for me is negative energy and grief.  Fortunately my mom had 4 beautiful sisters who gave me love and all the mothering I didn't get from her.  I cant stress about that crazy lady.  

Posted By: carolina cutie
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:04am
Originally posted by mizzsandra00 mizzsandra00 wrote:

Awwww can't help loving your mom because aint nothing like momma....

Mom will always be mom, dad will always be dad no matter what they do.Hug

Posted By: keepgrowing
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:08am

Posted By: nemesis1
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:12am
I remember the thread you made about her and her bf...

I'm sorry it has come to this... Unhappy


Posted By: keepgrowing
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:16am
This is why I have a soft spot for Kenya Moore despite her crazy antics. She talked about her tumultuous relationship with her mother. Her mom rejected Kenya as her daughter when she was growing up and how her aunt raised her. She told her father she wanted to try again to seek out a relationship with the mom and the dad's response was to leave that alone....sad.

Posted By: coconess
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:50am
put money on your phone. 
idk which jail shes at and if they use global tel link or one of the other ones.. 

if you are interested in trying to bail her out… you might be able to work something out with a bondsman and put significantly less than 10% down.. then do payments to get up to 10%. your payments can be very low.. 


Posted By: jonesable
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 12:21pm
Sorry Midna.
This cant be easy to go through.

Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 1:58pm
Bail is at 50k, but don't 10% of it gets her out?
I remember your last thread about how she was purposely mean to you throughout the years, so it makes sense that one part of you has no interest in helping her.

I think you could call her often - not sure how it works about calling/receiving calls - but the prison visit might be a bit too depressing for you, and it isn't your fault she ended up there. Plus, I don't know how she would react to see you; she might verbally unleash her anger for being there on you.

Does she have an attorney already? You could pay for her but if it is going to put a strain on you financially, don't do it. If she gets a short sentence or is sent to do anger management classes and then gets back home and is mean to you, you'll really regret being in debt to help her.

Posted By: rickysrose
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 1:59pm
im so sorry midna, what a tough unfortunate situation 

Is the boyfriend ok?

Sounds like some mitigating circumstances and your mom's defense should be vigorous

I agree with safeguarding her stuff especially from the boyfriend and if you want her out, seeing the bails bondsman as a family 

If she gets a public defender perhaps you can help by tracking down info they can use (get advice on how to handle diff kinds of info)

Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 2:07pm

Posted By: TexturizedDiva
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 2:19pm

Posted By: MizzAmirah
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 2:31pm
Good luck, Midna. I feel we may have similar mother/daughter dynamics ( I don't like to talk publicly about my personal life online tho...I'm paranoid lol).  But ti's tough esp. being African because other older family members who you think could help make matters worse. I wish you all the best. I hope things get better. And if you can, change the locks to the house if the boyfriend has access. 

Posted By: Lady ICE
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 2:35pm
midna HeartHeartDisapprove

Posted By: JamCaygirl
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 9:50pm
Sorry you are going through this, but I'd let her reap what she sowed....

Posted By: thewonderfulwa
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 10:09pm
I hope things getter better Midna

Posted By: ms_wonderland
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 10:10pm
I remember from a previous thread that you two live's best to save any potential bail money for rent.  she has been abusive to you in the past so essentially you're damned if you keep her in or get her out.  good luck. Hug

Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:31pm
So sorry you are going through this midna.Hug

Posted By: BBpants
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:37pm
Sorry to hear that, Midna!! Hug

Posted By: rickysrose
Date Posted: Jul 31 2014 at 11:41pm
you live together? 

Can you get a restraining order against the boyfriend?

Be safe midna 

Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 11:53am
Thank you everyone.

Yesterday was a pretty tough day and I spent all day at the courthouse but my brother in law and I got her free!

Amazingly, her asshole guy came to court even though we didn't invite him. He stayed away from us for the most part but when sh*t got important, suddenly he was running to us like he was a part of our progress.

He was making calls to no--body while we were convening and I was brainstorming and directing everyone to get my mother out. Eventually, the useless man left and after three hours of waiting after the court closed, my mother was free. All the hugs and kisses I gave her.. I know she felt smothered.

My mother isn't the nicest and I'll never be as close to her as I'd like to be to her. But she's my mother and I'd rather have her here to be free and happy in her own life.

As for the situation, she doesn't admit to trying to stab him. I'm not surprised because I only heard his side of the story and the man is infamous for exaggeration and embellishment for the sake of him looking like the victim. He'll take it to the extremes with ease.

We're protecting my mother from him so my Auntie drove her to a nearby location and I came home to get her stuff. When I came home, this scary asshole was waiting in the parking lot across from my house watching me. He was about to follow me to find out where my mother is! So I called the police because my mom is finally divorcing him and he has made threats in the past where he said if she divorces him, he'll kill her and himself.

The police came and I got to deliver my mother's stuff and her medicine in peace. I'll be staying at my mother's house where he is for the sake of watching him and watching the house since a divorce is imminent and the man is unstable and unsafe for her to approach right now. If anything goes wrong, he knows I'll be the first to call the police.

Posted By: india100
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 12:09pm
I am so proud of you for taking care of your Mother no matter what happen in the past . I can't explain to you the hurt and pain that never goes away after loosing your mom . I wish my baby could see her Grand parents one more time . India looks just like my Mother . God bless you and the Family Midna .

PS. I think you should move if possible . Please have a action plan and weapon to protect yourself . Material things can be replaced as you know . Can you get someone to place a tracking device on his car and move ? My sister purchase the one for Teen drivers on her grand kids cars .

Posted By: Brjasuga51
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 12:41pm
Thumbs UpGood job Midna...stay strong for your Mummy

Posted By: kerysdream7
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 12:43pm
Please be extra careful when dealing with her husband. 
Glad you feel better Smile

Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 1:08pm
Is the house under his name too? Can he legally stay there? I am afraid that he will try something against you to "get back at her" for leaving him. Please be safe.

Posted By: JamCaygirl
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 1:47pm
Girl, please leave that house, its just bricks and mortar

Posted By: jonesable
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 1:50pm
Midna are you sure you should be staying there?
With all that has gone on I'm really not sure if thats the safest thing.

Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 1:51pm
+1 to jam and jonsie

Posted By: Claudie
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 5:34pm
Midna, you are an awesome Daughter Hug.

Please do not stay at the house.  From what you stated the man is unstable, I just want you and your Mom to be safe and okay.  

Posted By: carolina cutie
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 5:45pm
He can't steal the house. Don't stay in that house with that man. He isn't stable and he's angry. Not someone you want to be around alone.

Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 6:03pm
I think Midna wants to stay there to make sure he won't break or steal something.
Can't you change the locks and then stay there? The fact that he was across the street watching you so he could follow you shows how unbalanced he is. Why would he care where she is when she supposedly attacked him  attempted to kill him?

Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 6:29pm
no comment

Posted By: JamCaygirl
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 6:43pm
Originally posted by bunzaveli bunzaveli wrote:

no comment


Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 6:46pm
Originally posted by JamCaygirl JamCaygirl wrote:

Originally posted by bunzaveli bunzaveli wrote:

no comment

what ?

Posted By: JamCaygirl
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 7:00pm
That was a comment Geek

Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 7:11pm
ahhhhhh, true. ah fcuk it. in my 31 years on this earth ive learned people are very consistent and people who aint sh*t usually prove they still aint sh*t even after given second chances. dont set yourself to get burnt by your mother when she settles back into her old habits. all this assuming your other threads on your mother werent exaggerations.  no offense.

and btw your mother is the one that tried to stab the Brotha and the one who ended up in jail when police heavily favor women in domestic disputes. please be careful.

Posted By: yaya24
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 7:48pm
best of luck Midna.

I've learned in my 30yrs- you can't help folks that don't want helping.

Posted By: MizzAmirah
Date Posted: Aug 01 2014 at 9:30pm

Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Aug 02 2014 at 7:22am
I'm not expecting my mother to change.. I know she'll go back to her old unfriendly ways. But I don't want to be like her and just ha-ha at her misfortune.

I've been compiling evidence and the more evidence I compile, the less credible his story is. She didn't admit to any of what he stated and she pleaded not guilty. I was actually home when this happened and yet I had no idea that it happened because I never heard any yelling or arguing. He claims she tried to stab him and stabbed and punctured his tires yet all of his tires are completely fine and unscratched.

I didn't even know she was in jail for nearly two days (I assumed she was just at my sister's house since her work is far away) and he acted completely normal. It wasn't until I was going to work that he suddenly had something to say to me and admitted where she was. Isn't that fishy? He also didn't go anywhere for those two days so if his tire was punctured and flat, he couldn't have gone to go repair it. He also couldn't repair it because he doesn't have the means to- this man bitches and whines about my mom not giving him simple gas money. Pitiful, I know.

I've noticed the knife holder mysteriously went from the kitchen to the garage where he keeps his car. I'm guessing he placed it there to show the police. If my mother chased him around the house with a knife, why would the knife holder be in the garage?

As for me being in the house.. I definitely understand the risks and have my fears. But I'm here because my family and my sisters who I love and trust have asked me to. I'm usually out at work and if I'm at home, I stay in my room with my knob locked and extra chain lock secured. He tries to speak to me but I reply tersely and generally do not engage him. Just in case, I keep mace, a stun gun, or one of my multiple disguised knives around. I also have the safetrek app so in case I don't feel safe, taking my finger off my phone is enough to trigger the police to come to my door.

Posted By: yaya24
Date Posted: Aug 02 2014 at 7:30am
That is no way to live.
I know you are not looking for sympathy, but I'm very sorry for your  situation and I hope it gets better.

He (or you) need to go while your Mom is incarcerated.
The situation sounds like something on a TV show..

Posted By: kkscottdale
Date Posted: Aug 02 2014 at 11:47am
I agree with Bunz with people being consistent in their ways most of the time. However, we will never understand your situation like you do. I went through a similar circumstance with my dad and now that he is out of jail, I keep my distance. He has had to learn that I will not be his martyr. We still love each other, but I've been freed from the codependency that comes from having a manipulative and needy parent. I decided that I don't have to be a part of someone else's chaos. I went through cycles of anger, frustration, and hopelessness--sometimes, I would want nothing to do with him. But now, I realize that I can love him with boundaries, because without boundaries I will find myself as unhappy as before. I have peace and I hope you will too in the future. 

Best wishes to you and your family. 

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