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General Distrust for Men?

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Printed Date: Nov 19 2018 at 11:48pm


Topic: General Distrust for Men?
Posted By: femmemichelle
Subject: General Distrust for Men?
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:32am
Nothing to see here Stern Smile




Replies:
Posted By: Sang Froid
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:36am
I wanna know what happened. 
PM me I won't tell nobody. 


Posted By: Merin
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:37am
I feel sad you feel this way. When I was waiting for my delayed flight last weekend there was a girl sitting at the bar next to me who articulated something similar.


Posted By: nekamarie83
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:38am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

 I'm not attracted to females/women btw. 

 but BHM...how do I go about explaining to people that the thought of being in an emotional relationship with a man is something I just don't want without sounding like a basket case?

How do I explain this to people LOL I just don't like them. I think they're attractive, but I just don't..like..men. I think they're weapons of mass emotional destruction tbh. My mother's going to kill me Stern Smile
no homo? had to put that in huh? LOL 


also do you have to explain? are you harming people with this idea/belief? no? then you're entitled to feel/do you. people's follow up questions get as much attention as you deem necessary.  you can hit em up style with the Stern Smile face, say "no thank you", change the subject... the world is yours. LOL


Posted By: EPITOME
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:40am
why do you have to explain this to anyone?


Posted By: Sang Froid
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:43am
You ever thought of getting therapy?


Posted By: femmemichelle
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:44am
Trusted someone. Took advantage of me. That's pretty much the gist of it.

Even if I could get past the barrier I have of just not liking them as people...I'd still have to deal with the fact that say if I were to get in a relationship, so many of them have problems being monogamous. So now that's two barriers. 

I know I've felt this way prior to what happened two months ago, but I've never been able to put it in words. I thought my lack of being able to form an emotional connection with males my age was due to shyness and fear of rejection. But I honestly believe that I just have a natural aversion to many of them It's really hard to explain..


Posted By: melikey
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:49am
Many women deal with this and they cope by lowering or having no expectations of them. I honestly don't know which is worse.


Posted By: JoliePoufiasse
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:51am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

Trusted someone. Took advantage of me. That's pretty much the gist of it.

Even if I could get past the barrier I have of just not liking them as people...I'd still have to deal with the fact that say if I were to get in a relationship, so many of them have problems being monogamous. So now that's two barriers. 

I know I've felt this way prior to what happened two months ago, but I've never been able to put it in words. I thought my lack of being able to form an emotional connection with males my age was due to shyness and fear of rejection. But I honestly believe that I just have a natural aversion to many of them It's really hard to explain..


I've been through this. I let that situation, my childhood and a particulaly vile incident in my life close me off emotionally to men for years. At the end of the day, this attitude will only harm YOU. I'm now involved in a good relationship but I did everything in my power to push him away and nearly succeeded because I didn't want to be had anymore.

You have to find a way to work on this. Invest in therapy. When the issue is so deep, you can't work it out on your own with self-help books, trust. I don't believe you have a natural aversion to men. I still think it's a fear of rejection and emotional pain.


Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 9:59am
Therapy will go a long way

good luck femme


Posted By: femmemichelle
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:15am
Originally posted by EPITOME EPITOME wrote:

why do you have to explain this to anyone?

Immigrant communities are nosy as hell. I know the day will come and I'll probably feel slightly ashamed/embarrassed. 

But I don't trust them. 

I know the pressure's coming because some of my friends are getting engaged and my mother keeps talking about grandkids and I'm sitting here like... Confused...


Posted By: femmemichelle
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:16am
And I'll also be honest in saying I don't feel like competing. I don't even think I can. Someone I'm close to recently underwent surgery to make her ass bigger and I'm there thinking--all for the attention of a man? 

I don't want to put myself through more trauma. It does make me a little sad, but I can't help but think they're all untrustworthy.


Posted By: JoliePoufiasse
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:21am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

And I'll also be honest in saying I don't feel like competing. I don't even think I can. Someone I'm close to recently underwent surgery to make her ass bigger and I'm there thinking--all for the attention of a man? 

I don't want to put myself through more trauma. It does make me a little sad, but I can't help but think they're all untrustworthy.


You are putting yourself through trauma merely by withdrawing from the idea of sustaining a positive relationship with a man. You think you're averting pain but you're not. When you do that, the person(s) that hurt you WINS. Because they go on with their lives and don't bother to look back at the pain they have caused. Sometimes it's even a point of pride for them. Attack the root of the problem head on and early. That doesn't mean you won't have other disappointments but you will be more equipped to handle them emotionally by having focused on fortifying yourself.

And I know what you mean by immigrant communities. It's a pain in the ass. Not that it's limited to them. You can find examples of this mindset of "you are lacking without a man" right here on BHM.


Posted By: coconess
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:38am
the white guy who loved your natural hair unlike any black men really hurt you? 


Posted By: coconess
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:43am
i cosign therapy. 


Posted By: femmemichelle
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:48am
Originally posted by coconess coconess wrote:

the white guy who loved your natural hair unlike any black men really hurt you? 

No, but the shade was cute.




Posted By: nekamarie83
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:48am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

Originally posted by coconess coconess wrote:

the white guy who loved your natural hair unlike any black men really hurt you? 
No, but the shade was cute.
 [ak]guuurrl[/ak] LOL

*pardons self*


Posted By: femmemichelle
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:49am
I don't need therapy. When what happened two months ago happened I remember my friends telling me not to hate men because of it, and I remember thinking why on earth I'd do that.

I just do now. Not hate per se, because I can live and converse with them. I just can't see myself ever being with one. I don't think that warrants therapy. 


Posted By: _ConcreteRose_
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:50am
Femme, since you aint ask for psycho analysis, I'll just answer the question. But first, how old are you?
I would simply say "Im not looking for a signifcant other at the moment." No more no less. Don't give people an explanation because they will either A) Judge or B) try to convince you othewise. Im sure you don't want either.


Posted By: femmemichelle
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:53am
Ehh should've known better than to come to BHM with this. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.


Posted By: nekamarie83
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:54am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

Ehh should've known better than to come to BHM with this. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.
please don't kick yourself. while posting does open it up to people with less than stellar intent, you did get genuine feedback and encouragement. 

don't discount that. separate the wheat and chaff. Smile


Posted By: _ConcreteRose_
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:56am
Originally posted by nekamarie83 nekamarie83 wrote:

Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

Ehh should've known better than to come to BHM with this. Thanks guys. Thanks a lot.
please don't kick yourself. while posting does open it up to people with less than stellar intent, you did get genuine feedback and encouragement. 

don't discount that. separate the wheat and chaff. Smile
I agree with this. Ignore people with bad intent, most are just trying to help. Everybody got problems. Aint a damn thing wrong with therapy. 


Posted By: fckwitmeuknoigotit
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:57am
i agree with CR and SL's takes.
 
also there is nothing wrong with speaking with a professional. therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.


Posted By: maysay1
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:00am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

I don't need therapy. When what happened two months ago happened I remember my friends telling me not to hate men because of it, and I remember thinking why on earth I'd do that.

I just do now. Not hate per se, because I can live and converse with them. I just can't see myself ever being with one. I don't think that warrants therapy. 


Femme, from what you're posting, you and I might be similar.

It's taken me years to unpack some things but while I have a general distrust of men regarding my physical safety, that's separate from my active choice to not enter into romantic relationships with them and to remain childfree. Those are difficult choices in our society.

There's nothing wrong with you. I don't believe you need therapy for this. And I don't believe that everyone wants to have romantic relationships. Not wanting that does not mean you're broken or anything negative.

I've learned that explaining this to other people is easy once you are clear about what you want and are content with your choices. And I've had to do a lot of explaining in the last 2 years because I am now the only unpartnered woman in my whole (big) immediate family.

Anyway, feel free to pm me.


Posted By: coconess
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:02am
yall take everything as shade… 

no i didnt really need to say that first part but i wasnt joking about cosigning therapy. 

getting your feelings out to a therapist can help. 


Posted By: Random Thoughts
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:11am
Originally posted by maysay1 maysay1 wrote:

Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

I don't need therapy. When what happened two months ago happened I remember my friends telling me not to hate men because of it, and I remember thinking why on earth I'd do that.

I just do now. Not hate per se, because I can live and converse with them. I just can't see myself ever being with one. I don't think that warrants therapy. 



There's nothing wrong with you. I don't believe you need therapy for this. And I don't believe that everyone wants to have romantic relationships. Not wanting that does not mean you're broken or anything negative.




On the same token, going to a therapist does not mean someone is broken. Just like going to the doctor doesn't mean someone is sick.


Posted By: maysay1
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:14am
Originally posted by Random Thoughts Random Thoughts wrote:

Originally posted by maysay1 maysay1 wrote:

Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

I don't need therapy. When what happened two months ago happened I remember my friends telling me not to hate men because of it, and I remember thinking why on earth I'd do that.

I just do now. Not hate per se, because I can live and converse with them. I just can't see myself ever being with one. I don't think that warrants therapy. 



There's nothing wrong with you. I don't believe you need therapy for this. And I don't believe that everyone wants to have romantic relationships. Not wanting that does not mean you're broken or anything negative.




On the same token, going to a therapist does not mean someone is broken. Just like going to the doctor doesn't mean someone is sick.


I was referring to the fact that not wanting a romantic relationship with a man doesn't make her broken. What you said is true as well.


Posted By: coconess
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:15am
i wanna know what happened. 


Posted By: maysay1
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:17am
Femme, one thing that helped me is understanding that your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation are two different things. And that you don't have to act on either.

There's a good infographic for this...I'll see if I can find it.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:18am
Do you like sex? I am wondering how you feel about it because you have an aversion for men yet you are not attracted to women.

Your issues might be deeper than what you think. Perhaps something happened when you were small and you pushed the memories away, but that remained in your subconscious mind and that's why you already had a problem with men before the issue 2 months ago?

You really need to seek therapy. Regardless of your interest in having a romantic relationship with men, it is not healthy for you to feel this aversion towards them.

You said something about men not being monogamous...not all men have this issueSmile


Posted By: nekamarie83
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:29am
Originally posted by maysay1 maysay1 wrote:

Femme, one thing that helped me is understanding that your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation are two different things. And that you don't have to act on either.

There's a good infographic for this...I'll see if I can find it.
true and i was explaining the concept of being a heterosexual biromantic to someone a while ago. 

and ooh, can't wait to see the infographic. Smile


Posted By: maysay1
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:32am
Originally posted by nekamarie83 nekamarie83 wrote:

Originally posted by maysay1 maysay1 wrote:

Femme, one thing that helped me is understanding that your romantic orientation and your sexual orientation are two different things. And that you don't have to act on either.

There's a good infographic for this...I'll see if I can find it.
true and i was explaining the concept of being a heterosexual biromantic to someone a while ago. 

and ooh, can't wait to see the infographic. Smile


At this point I'd classify myself as a demisexual biromantic. It's all very interesting.


Posted By: nekamarie83
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:38am
Originally posted by maysay1 maysay1 wrote:

At this point I'd classify myself as a demisexual biromantic. It's all very interesting.
awww!! Embarrassed 


Posted By: maysay1
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:39am
Edit...that didn't work right...here's the link.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/asexual-spectrum_n_3428710.html?1371648467" rel="nofollow - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/asexual-spectrum_n_3428710.html?1371648467

It has the romantic orientations and sexual orientations.

Romantic: Heteromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, a romantic.

Sexual: Asexual, Gray-A/Demisexual, Sexual (which includes homo/hetero/bi/etc).


Posted By: K_Camille
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 11:43am
In a way, I get where you're coming from though I don't carry hatred or dislike for men..I just don't my faith in them and believe their privilege affords them a lot of luxury and insensitivity.


Posted By: maysay1
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 12:02pm
Thank you samone! I just could not get it to work.


Posted By: carolina cutie
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 12:11pm
Online and offline, some people want to help and others don't. Sift through the dirt to get to the gold nuggets.

I would consider going to a counselor and talking to someone about how you feel. They won't be judgmental like family and friends (and us on BHM). They can help you build up your skills to better cope with how you feel.Hug



Posted By: goodm3
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 12:29pm
I don't have anything to add to this conversation...but support. 

I believe you'll get through this...

*hugs*


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 1:56pm
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

I never thought I'd grow up to say I honestly have a general distaste for males, but I do. I'm not attracted to females/women btw. 

Something happened a few months ago to spark this, but BHM...how do I go about explaining to people that the thought of being in an emotional relationship with a man is something I just don't want without sounding like a basket case? I can totally envision myself being a bridesmaid at some of my friends' weddings at 30+ years of age and the conversations that will come asking why I'm not in a relationship. 

How do I explain this to people LOL I just don't like them. I think they're attractive, but I just don't..like..men. I think they're weapons of mass emotional destruction tbh. My mother's going to kill me Stern Smile




I never get overly emotional. Actually, this is how I feel about most women ticking time bombs of illogical emotional energy to go off. That's foreign to me and I don't go off and do illogical things even when people do me dirty. I control my emotions cause they are tools to be used on how a situation is perceived to you not an excuse to do anything regrettable or harmful.


Posted By: rell85
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 2:33pm
Heal and time will tell.


Posted By: Sang Froid
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 2:34pm
She's afraid of being hurt.
I bet if she said her issue someone here can relate. 


Posted By: goodm3
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 4:25pm
Originally posted by Sang Froid Sang Froid wrote:

She's afraid of being hurt.
I bet if she said her issue someone here can relate. 

i think so too....but I respect her choice in not sharing it. 


Posted By: BBpants
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 7:27pm
I don't trust people in general..but there are some trustworthy men out there....some lol


Posted By: JoliePoufiasse
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 7:30pm
It's just as well that she doesn't go into detail. The minute there's a scuffle with another poster, it'll be thrown in her face anyway.


Posted By: NadiaPost
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 7:44pm
Originally posted by JoliePoufiasse JoliePoufiasse wrote:

It's just as well that she doesn't go into detail. The minute there's a scuffle with another poster, it'll be thrown in her face anyway.


Sad but true. Don't share sh*t on this board. I don't trust lightskin women with creole in their blood that let their sisters beat down their husbands. Having trust issues is very common. The singer Pink looks like she smells like catpiss and bourbon.


Posted By: EPITOME
Date Posted: Jun 20 2014 at 10:00pm
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

Originally posted by EPITOME EPITOME wrote:

why do you have to explain this to anyone?

Immigrant communities are nosy as hell. I know the day will come and I'll probably feel slightly ashamed/embarrassed. 

But I don't trust them. 

I know the pressure's coming because some of my friends are getting engaged and my mother keeps talking about grandkids and I'm sitting here like... Confused...


I understand being an immigrant.  You can just give them some bs answer about waiting for God to put the right man in your life.  Immigrants don't argue when you say GodLOL

but seriously--you are not alone in your sentiment. you have been hurt and you're scared.  I equate it to when you get into a car accident.  When you start driving again you are naturally skiddish and wary until you learn to trust yourself again.

just like you wouldn't want a bad experience to turn you off one racial group, you don't want it to turn you into a "niccas ain't sheit" kinda woman bc then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. don't let yourself be so jaded at such a young age.


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Jun 21 2014 at 4:07am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

Nothing to see here Stern Smile



GOD DAMN IT.

20 SECONDS AGO? I JUST ENTERED THIS THREAD AND YOU JUST POOFED IT?

MAAAAN

SOME OL BULL


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Jun 21 2014 at 4:09am
Originally posted by nekamarie83 nekamarie83 wrote:

Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

 I'm not attracted to females/women btw. 

 but BHM...how do I go about explaining to people that the thought of being in an emotional relationship with a man is something I just don't want without sounding like a basket case?

How do I explain this to people LOL I just don't like them. I think they're attractive, but I just don't..like..men. I think they're weapons of mass emotional destruction tbh. My mother's going to kill me Stern Smile
no homo? had to put that in huh? LOL 


also do you have to explain? are you harming people with this idea/belief? no? then you're entitled to feel/do you. people's follow up questions get as much attention as you deem necessary.  you can hit em up style with the Stern Smile face, say "no thank you", change the subject... the world is yours. LOL


Oh okay someone quoted.

OP, I agree, I don't trust dudes. We've normalized some pretty toxic sh*t when it comes to male behavior. Most guys are products of that dangerous complacency. Culture isn't always reasonable.


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Jun 21 2014 at 4:13am
Originally posted by femmemichelle femmemichelle wrote:

I don't need therapy. When what happened two months ago happened I remember my friends telling me not to hate men because of it, and I remember thinking why on earth I'd do that.

I just do now. Not hate per se, because I can live and converse with them. I just can't see myself ever being with one. I don't think that warrants therapy. 


I understand. This isn't misandry, op just prefers to keep a safe distance from guys. I don't blame her. Look at what American society teaches men.

I think this is just to maintain peace for herself.


Posted By: indiecat
Date Posted: Jun 21 2014 at 9:03am
Men are horrible horrible creatures.


Posted By: coconess
Date Posted: Jun 21 2014 at 9:05am
i dont want you guys to feel like that.. 

some guys are horrible but you can definitely still find someone that you can trust and will treat you right. 

dont give up. 



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