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Background checking date Revisited

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Printed Date: Dec 12 2018 at 10:31am


Topic: Background checking date Revisited
Posted By: mangachan
Subject: Background checking date Revisited
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 11:58am
As some of you may remember, I posted a thread a few months ago about background checking dates.  How would you feel about someone ELSE background checking your person.

The reason I ask is I am in this situation now.  A family member who already thinks she knows every darn thing is pushing for my to do a background check on my SO.  I've already checked him out.  Background checks do reveal "thangs" but not necessarily everything.  i.e. just because he may not have a criminal record doesn't mean he just isn't in it for sex; things like that.

I have a couple of issues with this person practically demanding to run AND view the results of a background check herself I want to know If I'm just being unreasonable here.

I feel like the person (who has a tendency to be extremely opinionated in general) will NEVER be okay with my relationship unless SHE knows things are.  Like, my efforts, merits and observational skills aren't good enough.  She does this with other things too and she's like this with everyone.  Other family members would actually side with her because they see her as "responsible" and knowledgeable about things.  Even if people disagree with her they won't say anything because she gets aggressive.

What if we do find something that may not be as serious as say, a sex offense but something that she wouldn't find palatable.  She'll try to make me deal with the information in a way that SHE wants.  Basically I'll be forced to progress and/or terminate the relationship because of what she says.  Also, I can't trust that she won't tell other people (such as my hovering parents) about any results.  Then there you go, more people all up in my relationship business with their opinions.

What if this does turn into a long term thing maybe even leading to marriage and I don't want to build a relationship where we have 10 people all up in there.  Is it okay to be uneasy with somebody else knowing into my SO's business?  How do I know that she won't continue to assert herself into things later?!  Does this sound like a power issue to anyone else?  Seriously the more I think about this the more it pisses me off.





Sidenote**how the heck do I change this avatar, I'm tired of this bun!!



Replies:
Posted By: NJHairLuv
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:09pm
Very unhealthy. You are an adult and should not be subjected to this level of control. It wont stop until you are able to move far away.


Posted By: Ladycoils
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:10pm
You're the one dating him. If you are satisfied with the result you got and all the pieces of the puzzle fit for you then tell "her" to back off and find another hobby.


Posted By: ShadyLady
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:18pm
What is he saying or doing that's making someone THAT suspicious of him?

I'm not condoning someone being all up in your business like that, but I can't imagine they'd be going so hard unless they see red flags they feel like you're ignoring.


Posted By: mangachan
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:19pm
Okay that's what I thought.  She just has a way of saying things that make you think you're being the brat for disagreeing.


Posted By: thewonderfulwa
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:20pm
There are certain things that a BC can provide info on others thing you have to experience by observing the actions of that person.
I am that opinionated friend but I do know when to back off and she should trust your instincts what might be a issue for her might not be for you. I also don't get how she would think her having the info before you would be helpful.


Posted By: mangachan
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:23pm
Originally posted by ShadyLady ShadyLady wrote:

What is he saying or doing that's making someone THAT suspicious of him?

I'm not condoning someone being all up in your business like that, but I can't imagine they'd be going so hard unless they see red flags they feel like you're ignoring.



He has done a total of... ::druuuuuuuumrolllll:: ...

NOTHING to warrant this.  I'm not just white-knighting for him either.  I knew him for a year before dating him.  A sister met him within that timeframe.  I wouldn't have even gone out with him had he not already met certain criteria.  I don't date just anyone.

Now she got me so squirrel-y I'm getting suspicious at him and over-analyzing everything he says and does.


Posted By: IslandSuga
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:26pm
I would do a BC and just not tell the family member about it


Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:36pm
lawd, not only you checking, your family to ? lol


Posted By: Gkisses
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:41pm
how was she get the information she needs to conduct a background check in the first place. Is this your mother something and how old are you I'm confused by this all around


Posted By: NJHairLuv
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:54pm
seriously, unless she is a professional matchmaker and has a roster of A+ clients that are pining over you that she wants to hook you up with asap, she needs to fall back. she must have been through some thangs when she was your age and now is paranoid that you will go through the same pain but we all have to navigate through dating on our own as adults.


Posted By: mangachan
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 12:57pm
Bunz, yeah they are way over protective about things.Ermm

Originally posted by Gkisses Gkisses wrote:

how was she get the information she needs to conduct a background check in the first place. Is this your mother something and how old are you I'm confused by this all around


She hasn't run it yet.  I'm not giving her information because of this.  She's pressuring me into giving her more information.  Not like demanding, she's more passive aggressive with it.  "you need to run a bc, just give me the info and I'll make sure he's cool."

When OTHER family members bring him up in conversation and ask questions about him, they'll get all suspicious "i.e. at his age, why isn't he married?  You sure he doesn't have kids?! Are you sure he isn't lying about his age like [insert person they know who actually did lie about age to his gf]" 
From there I state that he is honest about this information, he volunteers information in casual conversation.  I have not caught him in a lie not once.

The person I'm referring to in the OP (older sister who acts like a surrogate mother type) instead of saying she's met him and he's cool so far...or simply backing me up in front of other family just has to take charge and insist that she will run a BC.  This insinuates that the only way information can be trusted is if it comes from someone who isn't myself.  I'm 25 and a pretty decent judge of character...the other family members are almost all significantly older.  Whenever I disagree about this they make me out to just be easily duped...hence this thread. Big smile


**yay I changed my avatar successfully!!**


Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 1:02pm
Originally posted by mangachan mangachan wrote:

Bunz, yeah they are way over protective about things.Ermm

are they just checking names and looking at google images ? or they digging up the whole nine yards ?

google images is the devil for people on social media, or anyone who ever got arrested


Posted By: tropical-punch
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 3:32pm
nobody but you needs to know alla dat. it's your life.



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