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Needy Family members

Printed From: Black Hair Media Forum
Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Relationships
Forum Description: Single, Married, Dating, or Other, Lets Talk About It.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=369120
Printed Date: Jul 19 2019 at 8:07pm


Topic: Needy Family members
Posted By: NaturalSister543
Subject: Needy Family members
Date Posted: Mar 12 2014 at 5:58pm
Ok, I just wrote this already and everything erased. I going to make this short.

ok, Iam sick of my husbands needy family. They can not do not a thing on their own. My son and I are always on the back burner. I am tired of hurting and waiting for things to change. I am angry and just sick and tired of being tired.

Any advice...before I explode.



Replies:
Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Mar 12 2014 at 6:28pm
Did you talk to him yet sweetie? Define needy...

Does his family like you?


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 12 2014 at 10:15pm
His family does not like me; because we are not from the same cultural background. They need him for everything. They been hear for over five years and still do not speak a lick of English and every time I speak their language(which I speak very well), they laugh at me.

They always told my husband that he would never get married, because they know how they are. They did not want him to get married because they thought they would not be able to use him anymore.

Well my husband before we got married told me that I would never come before his family...I stupidly went along and married him. I have do my best to dealing with him coming from work, coming home only five minutes later to fun err ens for his family or friends.

Needy as in the only thing they can do for them self is self, eat, poop and brush their teeth. I have been so patient but the guilt is getting to me because of my son. I have been so nice to these people, but these little girls always find a way to be nasty...the bad kind of nasty!

So I am tired at this point and want to get me and my son out of this situation. Which obviously after over one year has not changed and probably will never change.
I wanna call them right now and lay the law down! But I feel like I should not have to do that. I but for my son...I should right?


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 1:06am
You have been married to him for only a year? Is your son an infant/toddler? Does he also put the needs of his family before his son's?
The first thing I would do in your situation is stop seeing those people. They are disrespectful to you and life is too short to get angry over obnoxious people.
Second, you need to sit down with your husband and have a talk, but one that includes how his absence may be affecting your son and your relationship with him. His family may and should be important to him, but that's not a reason to forget about his wife and child.


Or you can say f*ck it and go along with your plan. Take the child and half. Perfect combo and no annoying family around. But only if you do not love him anymore. You don't want to be divorced and miserable, but divorced and happy.


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 3:32am
Your right guys. Thank you for the advice.


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 1:08pm
Well I finally decided to talk to one of his sisters and she blew things way out of proportion. I guess she really thought I was always to scared to speak my mind. Yes, his other sister called me and spoke their mind too. Wow, why could you not have just been up front with me, it would have saved both of us some time. My husband lied about being at work when he really wasn't...so yea there goes the trust.

I know what the right is for my son and myself. As for my husband...enjoy your family...lol


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 4:27pm
Wait.. what happened momma is he up to no good?


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 4:39pm
Well, this morning I decided to call his sister the one I felt most close with. She cursed me and basically had the rest of her sisters cus me too. So much for the love, huh? So My husband got really upset and left work, while having me thinking he was still at work.
Yes....


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 5:16pm
Aww...I'm sorry he's suppose to be defending you. What are u gonna do now... his family seems a lil childish


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 6:55pm
beyond childish. I mean whats left to do. sit in a corner and pray? well yes i will pray.....i do not see us salvaging this marriage. he has proven what is important to him.
i cant do this mentally, physically....
hey...i'll be alright. i mean it wont be easy...i love him...our son?.....but you got to keep it moving. i hope he finds happiness.


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 7:06pm
Glad you found a solution to your problem.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 7:57pm
I am glad they showed their true colors. Sad that he was not only putting his family first but lying to you.
Move on with your life.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Mar 14 2014 at 3:19pm
Well, if he told you from the very beginning that his family would always come before you ... so you knew what you were getting into when you married him.

Sure, I know you loved him etc etc .... but I think you have torecognize when a guy is not treating you right ... and dump him. I would have dumped a guy if he told me this. Doesn't mean the love would have ended of course, that takes time ... but I would have ended the relationship.

I don't know where his is from but I know for many countries in Africa - family is EVERYTHING and yes, helping family members can be more important than a marriage to an 'outsider'. That is the culture.

All his people have cused you out now and he is lying about you so again he is declaring that his loyality is to his family - not you.

I say dump him and don't look back .. because this situation cannot come to a good end.

You deserve a man that will put YOU (and your child) first. This is the Western way of living.


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 15 2014 at 3:56pm
ok, you are right.
I know all you guys are 100 percent right.
Right now I do not have any money saved and currently is not working. He pays for everything for now and I haven't had any successful interviews. I am still looking.
Our parents called us and basically I am back at home, being dragged back with tooth and nail.
My plan now is to save some money and move somewhere far away and to get away from this drama for good.
We are Haitian, I just wasn't born in Haiti. I would like to believe that I was first but sadly I am not. This time next year I should be on my feet and God willing be off to a better future and around people that truly do love my son and I.
I mean despite all of this I am the one made to look like the bad guy.


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 15 2014 at 4:09pm
Also, when he made this statement I told him if that how he really feels than that was fine and we could break everything off. He then stated that of-course after we have gotten married that it would be a different case because I would be his wife and therefore first. But obviously, by his actions this is not true.


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Mar 15 2014 at 5:09pm
Aww....I feel sad.

But you will make it. Glad you saw all of this before you guys ended up having more kids... or more time passed.

I imagine its really tough to leave a marriage, definitely not worth staying.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 6:22am
Originally posted by NaturalSister543 NaturalSister543 wrote:

Also, when he made this statement I told him if that how he really feels than that was fine and we could break everything off. He then stated that of-course after we have gotten married that it would be a different case because I would be his wife and therefore first. But obviously, by his actions this is not true.


Yes, but that was not the truth though right?

I mean even if my BOYFRIEND told me his family would always come first, that would be Red Flag number 1 that there was no real future in our relationship – regardless of if we ever got married. That would be a constant thorn in my paw and would cause me to seriously realize something was not right.

But when you said you wanted to break it off because of this is when he suddenly said … if you were married .. you would be first, of course.
See …. this does not ring true to me.

I think what he said initially was what he REALLY felt. His family would always come first. He only said the other thing when he thought you would leave. Red Flag number 2. People REVERSE themselves when they realize that something they said caused a result they did not predict at the time. REVERSAL is not a good thing in this context.

Besides – didn’t his family always treat you badly? This would be Red Flag number 3 because if your bf cares about you he would not allow his family to dog you out like that. That would a major fight for me that would have damaged our relationship. I could not see a future with a man that had some mean family that I would have to tolerate because he would ALLOW them to treat me in this manner. You are still young, you might want to have more kids etc so for the next 40 – 50 years you would have to tolerate abuse from his people because he does stand up for you. Oh He** no. I wouldn’t be living like that.

Marriage is a (legal) piece of paper … but it will have no effect on how he or his family actually treats you after you get married. It’s harrrrd for someone to change ‘who they are’ once PUFF .. they get married. So alllll the good and allll the rotten stuff he says or does before marriage will be there after marriage as well.

Hey, this is one way girls get stuck with a ‘cheating husband’. It’s because he used to be a ‘cheating bf’ .. but she thought ‘once they got married’ this would all change. Noooo.

Okay, I’m not saying this to rub your nose in this mess. I am saying this so that you can learn to ‘read the signs’ for when things_are_not right_with_a_guy. Maybe you don't know what's going on .. but your gut ha to tell you SOMETHING is not right.

You have to value yourself enough to see things clearly and not excuse them because ‘you really like him’ etc. I just illustrated 3 Red Flags from what you shared with us … but there were probably a lot of other Red Flags that you totally ignored, justified or did not recognize.

You have to learn to see Red Flags early so you can see THE TRUTH of the relationship before you trapped in a bad situation again.

Anyway good luck to you!



Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 4:57pm
I do need to get my self out of this Situation as soon as possible. I mean these are justifiable reasons right?

I mean what husband rides around his sister car for a whole week,when you have your own car. I wish I could fix this instead of just leaving and calling a quits.

He's not listening to me; I am so grateful that you guys would talk to me and give me your view point. It has really helped me. I see sitting around and just being upset is not going to change the situation. I must act or just let it go.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Mar 16 2014 at 5:34pm
You have a child, you'll get alimony and child support. Since you guys haven't been married for long, alimony might not be a lot, but the judge might give you more because you are unemployed. I am glad you are no longer living with him. You want to fix this problem, but he doesn't.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Mar 17 2014 at 1:23pm
Now that everything is all said and done......

Everything happens for a reason.....
I'ma true believer on that note. 




Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Mar 17 2014 at 4:55pm
Originally posted by NaturalSister543 NaturalSister543 wrote:

I do need to get my self out of this Situation as soon as possible. I mean these are justifiable reasons right?

I mean what husband rides around his sister car for a whole week,when you have your own car. I wish I could fix this instead of just leaving and calling a quits.

He's not listening to me; I am so grateful that you guys would talk to me and give me your view point. It has really helped me. I see sitting around and just being upset is not going to change the situation. I must act or just let it go.
 
 
Yes, these are justifiable reasons.
 
He won't drive himself in his own car .. but would rather let his sister cart him around town .. like a lil kid? Loser. Sounds like he likes to USE people too so maybe his sisters are a bit sick of him too.
 
I don't think you should waste time trying to talk to him.
 
Start working on your plan to get the heck out of there and DON'T share your plans with anyone! They will surely sabotage you if they can.
 
 


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 19 2014 at 2:04pm
I will keep you guys posted on how things play out. All of this is too much. I think I will consult a lawyer also, because of my son and custody issue that may arise. There is this so called family meeting this after-noon. I am going just to see how things are going to play out.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Mar 20 2014 at 2:30am
Ok go to the 'family meeting' ... but keep your business to yourself because if they catch a clue that you might leave ... this will cause further problems for you - especially if you share a child.

Just go along with whatever they say to keep the peace ... but then turn around do whatever the heck you need to do to get away from those people.


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Mar 20 2014 at 3:40pm
exactly, if ask me these little girls have asked for war and I am not letting my marriage go down with a fight.


Posted By: NaturalSister543
Date Posted: Apr 02 2014 at 4:54am
Wow, things are not gonna change. Its hard to let go, especially since I do not have a steady income. Ughh....now you know I do not want to be living off of only foodstamps.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Apr 02 2014 at 10:33am
Better to live off foodstamps and be OUT FROM UNDER THAT situation and making plans to builds a life for yourself than ... STAYING IN THAT DEADEND situation that can only .. get worse. These kinds of situations don't just get BETTER one day. Oh heck no - if anything, they tend to escalate. 
 
Also:
 
- You are teaching you  child how to live a messed up life so when he grows up he will be messed up in the head and make all sorts of bad decisions.
 
- It's gonna take and take and take FROM YOU .. so that in a few years you will be a hollowed out shell or your former self. 
 
Get out of there.
 
(for other young woman - let this be a cautionary tale .. NEVER be finanially dependant on anyone because most relationships by far do not work ... so then you end up a bad sitation. I learned this when I was 16 years old in school and that was in 1966!  So it is absolutely incredible that women are still dependant on their men to survive in this world.
 
I am not bashing the OP ... I am addressing the other young women out there. You have stand on your own two feet if you want to be ASSURED of a happy, healthly life.)


Posted By: purpulicious01
Date Posted: Apr 02 2014 at 12:27pm
Advice?

Sit down with your man and express your opinion/thoughts so the both of you can come to a solution together. 



Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Apr 02 2014 at 1:31pm
Where is your family to help you?
His family despises you, is he still the same? Have you filed for divorce? You have a child, you are entitled to child support and alimony, why are you saying you will live off food stamps? Did you sign a prenup?


Posted By: mangachan
Date Posted: Apr 02 2014 at 6:16pm
Originally posted by purpulicious01 purpulicious01 wrote:

Advice?

Sit down with your man and express your opinion/thoughts so the both of you can come to a solution together. 



The advice about what to do when leaving is a good perspective but this^^^?  OP, is your husband able to sit down and communicate with you in a mature manner (without yelling, passing the buck, shutting down, etc.?  I mean it's your marriage and your life but how open are you all to some type of marriage counseling just to have him hear things from an objective party?


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Apr 03 2014 at 3:17pm
Ummm I think the OP already made it clear .. what kind of relationship she has with her husband.

As she says .. he told her in the beginning that his family would always come first ... and so far he sticking to his word.



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