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having the Title

Printed From: Black Hair Media Forum
Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Relationships
Forum Description: Single, Married, Dating, or Other, Lets Talk About It.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=368165
Printed Date: Dec 16 2018 at 2:02am


Topic: having the Title
Posted By: Lea11
Subject: having the Title
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 2:38pm
So I've been dating this guy for a little over 2 mos and things have been going really good. But I recently asked him what are his attention when it comes to us. He tried to turn the question back on me which annoyed me bc like I wouldn't of asked if I didn't make us official.. so basically his answer was we are having a good time and he wants to see where things are going and he really doesn't like titles...

Now bc he's a "reformed male whore" when he said he doesn't like titles that just made me feel like not calling me his girlfriend gives him an easy out. Now the only reason I know hes reformed male whore is bc we have friends in common which is somewhat of another issue.

Ive been kind of standoff ish with him since that convo i really like him and can see myself liking him a lot more this goes any further but I dont want to get hurt.

So my question is does having the title of girlfriend really matters???



Replies:
Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 6:11pm
Lmao, why are you trying to put a question like that on him?

Hun, isn't this two people dating? He ain't holding your hand like a parent to a child! He doesn't decide where you go, the both of you are individuals who decide the outcome of the relationship!

Anyway, I think you're putting your eggs in this one basket and that is not wise. Maybe you do not mean to, but what I'm feeling from your post is that you have dedicated yourself to this one lone guy when he himself has not done the same and there has been no official reason for you to keep yourself focused to this one guy.

I know you like him, but you two are not official. Do not behave official. Because you two are not official and yet you're making it clear you are PURSUING the official title, he is going to back away.

I do agree that guys are conditioned to chase when it comes to dating. Have your fun, hun! Let him chase you! It's fun for guys and it can be fun for you! But when you're trying to ask him where things are going, you're essentially pouring water on the fire he has for you. Live your life that shows that you are not waiting on him! Don't be silly and be TELLING him things like "hey, I'm gonna date other people to make you jealous!" because that just screams childishness and thirst.

Instead, be more unavailable. I want you to back away for now. Don't always answer his calls. Take your time in responding to his texts. Don't be so readily available to a guy. Basically have your own life too and never let the presence of a male compromise the life you life. Of course you can hang out with him sometimes but let it be PLANNED. Not some "come over and let's chill" crap.

Tell yourself you are a beautiful woman who has a life to live and you'll be DAMNED if you spend any more of that glorious life waiting on a dude who clearly isn't waiting on you!

Besides, you two aren't official. You can go see other people! Man, I won't even be mad if he texts you and you innocently reply that you're getting ready for a date and you'll talk to him later since your phone will be off.

Be confident in yourself, hun. Do not settle for the wait list on a relationship! I'm currently dating someone and he is head over heels for me because I have made sure not to compromise my identity and not to compromise my life over him. As a result, he is always chasing me and I give him enough love to reward him but make my presence a privilege he can't always access so he's always chasing to get it. It sounds silly, but I honestly think it makes things far easier on YOURSELF.

When I was younger and far more naive, I'd invest soooo much time in dudes who clearly didn't plan on making that same investment in me. So they'd fall through and I'd be left feeling like sh*t because all that effort was for naught!

Now here I am doing far different with far more success by doing far less but enough to keep him captivated. And I REALLY like this guy but it feels good to be secure enough in myself to keep it passionate by playing it cool.

It's great you're being standoffish right now, it'd be idiotic to crawl right back to a guy who told you what he told you! You just keep it cool and live your life. He will likely try to check up on you and when you want, you can reply, but do remember that this is a guy who isn't anything official to you so have that boundary because he has not crossed that threshold into actual relationship territory.

Live your life!


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 7:15pm
I wish you had asked in here before asking him, because we would all tell you: never ask a guy about the girlfriend title.

Midna is right, if he hasn't made you guys official yet, you are not his girlfriend, therefore, have fun, continue to allow other men to hit on you, chat with other guys, etc.


Posted By: Blac1Chyna
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 7:21pm
He's not a reformed male whore. He is a current male whore. 2 months is more than enough time to be official, if that's what he really wanted. Basically he doesn't. When a dude tell you he don't like titles, take that as code for "We just kicking it". So basically you already know what it is. If he is just kickin it with you, who else is he doing that with? You doing the right thing by being standoffish with him. Keep your distance because you dont want to get hurt by a man who is not all into you.  It does not take half a year for a man to know he wants to lock you down! Had he wanted to be your man he would have used that as an opportunity to take it to the next level. So you can either leave him alone, or keep him around as part of your male harem


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 9:24pm
Thank you ladies for the advice... yeah I do wish I would have asked advice in here first before I asked him anything.... I'm still not sure what to do and I have spoken to him today and he brought up being distant and said he notice in my eyes that I was going to pull away and he thinks I think he's going to let me dow. But i dont know. Ive dated so many jerks in the last few years... I was just hoping he was one of the good ones


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 9:47pm
Another reason for me asking him is he finally wanted wanted tell our friends that we were seeing each other and so I felt it was time to ask. And according to him he hasn't been talking to any female since we started talking


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Feb 03 2014 at 9:50pm
You can be distant emotionally but you don't have to be a Debbie Downer. Be yourself around him, but keep your feelings in check. Don't let him know that that convo made you cool down with him. And when away from him, be a bit unavailable. It is good that he noticed that you are distant, but that does not mean that he cares, so be on guard.


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 2:42am
Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

Thank you ladies for the advice... yeah I do wish I would have asked advice in here first before I asked him anything.... I'm still not sure what to do and I have spoken to him today and he brought up being distant and said he notice in my eyes that I was going to pull away and he thinks I think he's going to let me dow. But i dont know. Ive dated so many jerks in the last few years... I was just hoping he was one of the good ones


Um.. he already has. LOL

At least he's aware of the disappointment without you having to tell him.

Continue your distance and pay attention to more important things and males seriously checking for you that have your interest. LOL


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 2:44am
Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

Another reason for me asking him is he finally wanted wanted tell our friends that we were seeing each other and so I felt it was time to ask. And according to him he hasn't been talking to any female since we started talking


That doesn't mean a thing. You're still not his girlfriend, hun.

That dude can go be a missionary or a male nun but that still wouldn't mean a thing because he has not claimed you as his girlfriend.

The fact that this is so wishy washy after all this time leads me to believe it's better you don't hold your breath over this dude in the long(er) run.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 12:45pm
The ladies are all telling you the right thing.

Neveeeeer ask a man 'where this relationship is going' or anything like that. This would be the sane thing as saying 'I love you and want to have your babies'.

HE WILL BE GONE.

Second - 2 months is nothing ... it's not even real yet, but you should not ask a guy this kind of question if you have known him 2 years.

That guy should be begging YOU to know where things are headed.

Remember YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You don't chase him, ask them these questions or in any way let him know you are crazy about him and 'want more'.

Did you already sleep with him? Game over. The guy you want the most .. is the guy that has to WAIT the most - like months for sex ... else the game will be over too soon - and 2 months is too soon for sex.

If you want to BE someone special to him ... you have CONDUCT yourself like someone special instead of laying up with him .. just like any girl around the corner might do.

If he is not giving you the attention you want, (in your best Southern accent) kindly decline his advances until he straightens up. Your 'Dance Card' is FULL. Ahh let's see ... you are booked out fior t he next 2 weeks and DON'T CALL/TEXT him. He'll get the message.

If he does not call you again ... it was never real for him and he has moved on.

YOU = THE PRIZE so make him (any man) work for it.

I tell you .. the more you blow him off .. the more he will chase. Convesely .. the more available you are to him ... the more he will pull away and ultimately BE GONE.

So be unavailable ... most of the time.


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 2:34pm
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

The ladies are all telling you the right thing.

Neveeeeer ask a man 'where this relationship is going' or anything like that. This would be the sane thing as saying 'I love you and want to have your babies'.

HE WILL BE GONE.

Second - 2 months is nothing ... it's not even real yet, but you should not ask a guy this kind of question if you have known him 2 years.

That guy should be begging YOU to know where things are headed.

Remember YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You don't chase him, ask them these questions or in any way let him know you are crazy about him and 'want more'.

Did you already sleep with him? Game over. The guy you want the most .. is the guy that has to WAIT the most - like months for sex ... else the game will be over too soon - and 2 months is too soon for sex.

If you want to BE someone special to him ... you have CONDUCT yourself like someone special instead of laying up with him .. just like any girl around the corner might do.

If he is not giving you the attention you want, (in your best Southern accent) kindly decline his advances until he straightens up. Your 'Dance Card' is FULL. Ahh let's see ... you are booked out fior t he next 2 weeks and DON'T CALL/TEXT him. He'll get the message.

If he does not call you again ... it was never real for him and he has moved on.

YOU = THE PRIZE so make him (any man) work for it.

I tell you .. the more you blow him off .. the more he will chase. Convesely .. the more available you are to him ... the more he will pull away and ultimately BE GONE.

So be unavailable ... most of the time.


Thank you for the advice.... I'm not the type of person to play mind games so that why I asked him.. he's has been claiming to be into me for years so I figured that after 2 mos he should know how he feels. Guess I was wrong.. no we haven't had sex yet I wasn't ready but I was considering it thats another reason why I ask.... even though I asked he's has been still texting me and today he told me he is worried about me and him.. but with the mood I'm in I dont really care. A male friend of mind said since he is now worried we should just both talk and lay our cards on the table. But I'm not in the mood to be around the guy right now


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 3:06pm
Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

The ladies are all telling you the right thing.

Neveeeeer ask a man 'where this relationship is going' or anything like that. This would be the sane thing as saying 'I love you and want to have your babies'.

HE WILL BE GONE.

Second - 2 months is nothing ... it's not even real yet, but you should not ask a guy this kind of question if you have known him 2 years.

That guy should be begging YOU to know where things are headed.

Remember YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You don't chase him, ask them these questions or in any way let him know you are crazy about him and 'want more'.

Did you already sleep with him? Game over. The guy you want the most .. is the guy that has to WAIT the most - like months for sex ... else the game will be over too soon - and 2 months is too soon for sex.

If you want to BE someone special to him ... you have CONDUCT yourself like someone special instead of laying up with him .. just like any girl around the corner might do.

If he is not giving you the attention you want, (in your best Southern accent) kindly decline his advances until he straightens up. Your 'Dance Card' is FULL. Ahh let's see ... you are booked out fior t he next 2 weeks and DON'T CALL/TEXT him. He'll get the message.

If he does not call you again ... it was never real for him and he has moved on.

YOU = THE PRIZE so make him (any man) work for it.

I tell you .. the more you blow him off .. the more he will chase. Convesely .. the more available you are to him ... the more he will pull away and ultimately BE GONE.

So be unavailable ... most of the time.


Thank you for the advice.... I'm not the type of person to play mind games so that why I asked him.. he's has been claiming to be into me for years so I figured that after 2 mos he should know how he feels. Guess I was wrong.. no we haven't had sex yet I wasn't ready but I was considering it thats another reason why I ask.... even though I asked he's has been still texting me and today he told me he is worried about me and him.. but with the mood I'm in I dont really care. A male friend of mind said since he is now worried we should just both talk and lay our cards on the table. But I'm not in the mood to be around the guy right now



When I was young .. I thought the same thing. 'oh, I want to be honest .. I don't want to play games' etc... Alll crap babygirl!!!

I made the EXACT same mistakes when I was young but there was no internet until I was in my 30's ... so I had to learn THE HARD WAY.

Today.. there is a TON of information about dating men all free on the internet - just enter a query.

Why do you think it's called 'The Dating Game'? Because ... it's a game .. of sorts. It's kind of a 'dance' really. Do you know how to Salsa? The guy's left foot goes forward and your right foot goes back ... move your hips and the do the same on the left leg. But once your left goes forward and his goes forward ... the whole dance get messed up because you are stepping all over each others feet. :(

If this guy has liked you for years and you have NOT had sex yet ... the game is not over. :) hee hee!

Right now .. he is worried. Let him be worried that he has lost you. The longer he has NO CONTACT with you .. the more he will want you.

In the meantime - my advice is to download an ebook like 'Why men love bitches' IMMEDIATELY if not sooner and start reading. The title is only an eye catcher because you will not act like a bitch.

Noo that would be wrong - you will be just as sweet and as pretty as you always have been ONLY you will not be so available for him anymore. :) You will 'have plans' now and then .. even if it's just the day to redo your weave, braids, perms, manicure, pedicure ... whatever.

He will have to ... wait and then ask you again. :) (sly smile) This is the game ... the pursuit... it's in his DNA.

Please read the above book - though there are ZILLIONS of books like it. One book I first read in 1993 was called 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. WHAT AN EYE OPENER!!

I promise you .. if you read these kinds of books .. you will learn to understand how men think and you will land this fella and ... make him fall in love with you.

Whatever you do ..DO NO sit down with him and TELL HIM HOW YOU REALLY FEEL about him! No. Let HIM sit down and tell YOU how he really feels about YOU! Then you can tell him ... you have to think about it... you are not sure .. you need some time etc... It never pays for a guy to think you like HIM more than he likes You! It's like that messed salsa dance and it screws up the balance of power in the relationship.

Seriously, please do yourself this favor.


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 3:36pm
And Lea, about the book Printer mentioned, I have actually uploaded the entire Why Men Love Bitches book here. It's in PDF form

Here's the download link. I want you to read it.
http://www.4shared.com/office/ZCoi2hnR/WMLB.html" rel="nofollow - http://www.4shared.com/office/ZCoi2hnR/WMLB.html


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 7:18pm
I have both books already and many other self help dating books so thank you...I understand what "dating game" is about I just dont like the mind games. And im not in the mind frame to re-read those books bc it makes me more angry.... but whatever he's been texting me off and on all day saying his worried so I told him to gather his thoughts and we can talk later this week or next week. Hes said he has his thoughts gathered its just he cant express them or whatever. I just responded back okay... I dont knoe what else to say


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 9:54pm
Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

I have both books already and many other self help dating books so thank you...I understand what "dating game" is about I just dont like the mind games. And im not in the mind frame to re-read those books bc it makes me more angry.... but whatever he's been texting me off and on all day saying his worried so I told him to gather his thoughts and we can talk later this week or next week. Hes said he has his thoughts gathered its just he cant express them or whatever. I just responded back okay... I dont knoe what else to say


But how is continuing to live your life and maintaining your identity a mind game?

WMLB explains why the blunt and straight to the point/no mind games nice girls lose out in the end. Dating isn't a straight to DVD sequel of Cruel Intentions, hun. LOL It's not that kind of mind games.

We can tell you all the truth we like but if the truths to getting you success AND peace are just mind games to you that you openly express dislike for, I don't know what else we can tell you other than do it your way and cross your fingers.

Honestly, though, this guy isn't giving off any promising signs from what you've told. He can't even express his supposedly gathered thoughts and tell you how he feels for you? After supposedly crushing on you for years? After finally talking to you for two months and going nowhere?

I'm glad you aren't entertaining his excuses.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 10:43am

Correct!

OP hold on ...  you mean to tell me that you read all those books about men ... and you STILL DID NOT know enough not to ask him 'where the relationship is going'? Really? That's pretty basic.
 
He's texting you and GEESH you don't know what to say? I just told you... say nothing. The longer he has to wait and wonder .. the more he will want you. 2 days is nothing. So you caved in .. and said 'okay'. Confused
 
I really think you are making AN ABSOLUTELY HUGE MISTAKE with men if have not grasped the essence of all those book such that you think these are all mind games. It's Biological ... that's why like Minda said you cannot be straight and to the point etc with men. It will not work... for a lot of reasons .. that are outlined in those books actually.
 
Do you think that all those zillions of books can be wrong? I  think you will set up a pattern of behavior with men that you will repeat such that you always be wanting .. if you don't get a grip on this stuff ... EARLY ON.
 
I think you are wasting your time with this fella anyway (shrugs) but it's your life.
 
You will have to find out the hard way.
 


Posted By: Spokenword
Date Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 9:14pm
While I understand why the ladies have stated that asking a guy where it is going is not good. at the same time, i don't agree that its the worst thing to do. TOO MANY TIMES people waste time wondering what they are, and just go along with the flow.  

NOT all guys/relationships are cookie cutter; therefore, the same advice does not always apply. 

timinig is also subjective. its about where the individuals are at that point of their life. 

in the case with this guy, you see yourself liking him, wanting to grow with him he is just entertaining and enjoying you but not looking to commit.  

its not always a bad thing to ask, ladies.  sometimes truth hurts but can cut out a lot of BS. listen to their words not their actions.

as the ladies have suggested, fall back and if he is truly interested and wants something he will pursue you and you will know.



Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 10:43pm
Spokenword, the problem that I see with asking where it is going is because sometimes the guy will lie to keep the girl nearby. Say she will ask what are they (if couple or not) or just ask if they are in a relationship, and the guy will say that they are just getting to know each other, or that he ended a serious relationship only a few months before, or to give him some time to think about where they are going, and the girl, seeing that the guy did not get cold upon being asked and did not disappear on her, thinks that the guy is going to make them official soon.

It is not the worst thing to do, but it is better to not do it. Like you said, sometimes the truth hurts, but most guys do not tell the truth because they are having fun with the girl (especially if she has already had sex with him or at least gives him head).

I made the mistake of asking a date this question, and his reply was "why do girls always ask that?". When I heard his reply, I felt insecure and stupid for asking, but he said right away that he "didn't know." We dated for a bit over a month before we became official, and stayed together for almost 3 years, so in that case it was not bad, but that was because he already liked me.


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 10:56pm
Thank you spoken word for your advice.... it was a lot more gentle then then the other ladies. Still I do appreciate all advice given...

Like I said before I asked bc I wanted to know and I didnt want to wait 6 mos down the line to bring it up. Since we starting dating he has been nothing but a gentleman and enjoy each other company. I asked simply bc I wanted to know. Yes I have fallen back from him not bc a book says to do but bc it is my personality type of not getting the answer I want.... and to answer no i havent had sex with him or even given him head. I know he wanys it but its been permanently taken of the table


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 11:33pm
Lea, do what you want. If you want to meet him and hear what he has to say, go ahead, but maybe you should re-read the book just to refresh your mind. I don't like playing games either, but it is better to get out of a situation before you catch feelings and can't get him out of your head.


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 3:34am
Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

Thank you spoken word for your advice.... it was a lot more gentle then then the other ladies. Still I do appreciate all advice given...


In other words, it was more of what you wanted to hear.

Good luck, dear!


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 8:47am
Sexyandfamous thanks for the advice. I have no plans of meeting him as of right now to hear him out like I said previously


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 9:10am
Originally posted by Midna Midna wrote:

Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

Thank you spoken word for your advice.... it was a lot more gentle then then the other ladies. Still I do appreciate all advice given...


In other words, it was more of what you wanted to hear.

Good luck, dear!



No midna it wasn't more of what I wanted to hear. It was honestly how she wrote her opinion.. it didnt come off as judgemental and didnt leave me defensive... yes I understand that what I did some or all of you would have done different.   I dont agree that those books are for everyone and everyone's situation is not the same. For some woman those books leave them feeling more crappy theb before they read the books. And not every man is like how the books is describes ..... like I said earlier I do appreciate all advice given



Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 12:39pm
So basically he is single and is planning to keep it that way. So you know what you gotta do now.....keep it moving on his playa a**! Clap


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 2:54pm
If a self-help book gives you all the information you need to gain success using very basic thinking and general solution compatible with most types of males, including the one you are dealing with, and instead of internalizing the information, you end up feeling mad and crappy, I believe there are things you need to work out in yourself.

The book isn't asking you to become wonder woman. These books aren't meant to erase your personality and replace it with a new personality. All the book and other books like it are intended for is simply arming you with knowledge.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 4:08pm
Correct.

It's the 'knowledge' of the way men think that you have to take on board and ... adapt it to your particular situation.

IMO if the books are making you feel mad and crappy it's because you recognize the mistakes you have made with men from reading the books.

We've all been there ... but you have to get past that feeling so you can read the books and apply the principles because they are time-honored.

I reiterate .. those books are for all women.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 5:10pm
Originally posted by Lea11 Lea11 wrote:

Sexyandfamous thanks for the advice. I have no plans of meeting him as of right now to hear him out like I said previously


Did you lose interest in him?


Posted By: OutToHelp35
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 5:11pm
I hope you haven't had sex with him. He's trying to make you a friend with benefits. 


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 6:10pm
CORRECT.

I already warned her about the sex and she says they have NOT had sex .. so there's THAT at least.


Posted By: khivey
Date Posted: Feb 06 2014 at 8:59pm
Those think like a man books are for the birds...and have a lot of women playing games and stay losing in the game. You just need to listen to what whomever you are dealing with is saying..and make sure they are in line with his actions and vice versa. Some will show you the actions of a person wanting a relationship, but he is telling you different. Some will tell you they want a relationship, maybe even make you their girl and their actions show you that he is aloof and some other b.s. 
Listen to what a man says..it is plain and simple. They aren't complex people...and pay attention to his actions. Hold off on getting intimate until you KNOW him well enough..and until the two of you become exclusive..continue dating others and HAVE FUN! Life is too short to be all serious and please believe me there is a lot more to it than relationships. When you learn to do that..then you will be less worried about what he wants and more concerned with what YOU want and everyone around you will be giving in to YOUR wants and needs. 


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 07 2014 at 4:25pm

Umm I didn't say anything about that 'Think like a Man' book that Steve Harvey put out. He is a dog that cheated and dogged out his first wife and then tried to make it all her fault because .. she let him dog her out. :( He's no expert.

No, I am talking about books that have been around for 20-30 some years written by Relationship experts that are not just trying get on Oprah. :)

Again .. it is not a game ...it's nature but when people misinterpret what they read .. they will fail and then they will say these kinds of books are useless and you should not play games.

All of what you are saying above is in these books actually .. the thing is it's not always enough to tell a girl these things because she has to use her judgement to assertain if his actions are aloof or if he is bs or whatever. Women don't always have the maturity or the instincts to recognize if the guy is being real - maybe she is even lieing to herself because she wants it to work no matter what - so then her vison is hazy...

There's a lot.

So the obvious is NOT to sleep with him for 2 - 3 months until you figure out if he is a keeper but yes, women can be lonely, horny or whatever and get swept away in the moment .. so whooosh .. that guy is gone and she is hurt. :( Happens every day.

Basically these TIME HONORED books offer insight into the male mind so that even though the girl 'thinks' she has got it together... when she asks a question like 'where do you think this is going' which basically messes it all up - it clear she does not have it together. So whatever little bit of relationship they had ....on put into a tail spin.

And really this guy is not acting like he wants anything real anyway ... but she is not recognizing the signs.

It's a study and women need to study how men think to avoid making mistakes ... this is all I am saying.

The OP is gone anyway and likely still misinterpreting what she is reading if the books are making her mad .., instead of making her think 'Ohhhh' (light bulb goes off in the head) as she recognizes her mistakes.

You have to recognize them though (and maybe that makes her mad for a minute)... if she hopes to avoid repeating them. :)

Oh well.


Posted By: Petty LaBelle
Date Posted: Feb 10 2014 at 10:04pm
your title sounds like Sidechick.


Posted By: Lea11
Date Posted: Feb 11 2014 at 8:12am
Hi sorry, I hadn't got a email notification in days that I was still getting responses to this plus it was my bday weekend so I was off having fun... thank you for anyone that responded back again.... I get what everyone is saying about those books and in the past I have read and applied the advice given in those books to some guys I've talked to. But for the most part it makes me feel like im not being myself

But as far as this guy goes no im not sleeping with him. And as of right now sex with him doesn't even cross my mind.. yes i have seen him only bc he was invited to my bday party by mutual friends who dont know that we were talking... I basically ignored him most of the night bc I just wanted to have fun and not think about the drama. Funny thing is my family liked him they said he was very attentive to me but I was drunk and remember nothing oh well...

He did try to talk to me about what happen... saying he misses how things were I guess he means the cutesy way I was around him bc he wasn't getting any. And he said the question caught him off gaurd and that I've always had exclusivity

However, The feelings I had that essentially made me ask him that question have all but disappeared. .. I still like him but im not stressing anything at the moment.

Again thank you all for the advice


Posted By: AriesBabe09
Date Posted: Feb 12 2014 at 3:33pm
I didn't read every post in this thread, I just kind of skimmed thru so if I missed anything I apologize in advance. But OP I think you already had a gut feeling as to where it was going before you asked....which is no where. I agree with you about mind games and such, imo its ok to ask questions. 
When its really really meant to be you won't have to ask questions, things will just flow naturally.

Personally the relationship that lasted the longest for me was one where we just loved, he told me he loved me first I didn't even respond because he knew I loved him back. Its just a natural flow.
The relationship where I had to ask "where is this going" I honestly already knew it was going no where but I let the fact that I liked him a lil more than the other men I had dated, blind me and have me thinking it meant he was relationship material, and even though I knew he wasn't I still asked. Which was a waste of time because I knew the answer.



Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Feb 13 2014 at 4:52am

BINGO!

Sounds like you have good instincts :)
 
But this is not the case for every woman. That's my point.
 
For example ' he told me he loved me first I didn't even respond because he knew I loved him back. Its just a natural flow.'  Now see ... this would NOT be the natural flow for every woman. No. I think for a LOT of girls .. they would have immedately said they loved him back and started gushing or they would  have been the first to say 'I love you'  and the list goes on. That would have been natural to them though.
 
Even what you said 'The relationship where I had to ask "where is this going" I honestly already knew it was going no where but I let the  ...'  See a lot of girls are not AWARE of this either. So they ask these kinds of questions and when things go south .. they will feel hurt and not understand why the guy reacted the way he did.
 
All women do not have natural instincts as far as how to handle themselves with men ... so basically they have to learn this stuff.
 
(Hey, on another topic, if we all had good instincts .. then women would not get stupid drunk at a Frat party because instinctually, they would know they have a good chance of being raped. Nope ... they would never get JUST AS DRUNK as the guys because she would know that.. GUYS ARE ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT XXX ... so don't put yourself in a position where they can easily do this to you. Of course, rape happens even when you are locked in your home .. but you get my point ... )
 
I digress:
 
- Some women grow up with loving parents and watched how they interact with each other so they figured out these things
 
- Some women have a natural instinct about men (Helen of Troy for one) :)
 
- Some women watch their gfs and over the years .. they start to figure out what they are doing wrong so they ask questions and/or read books etc and learn.
 
- But for A LOT if women ... they don't have a clue. They will think they should just tell the guy HOW THEY FEEL etc stuff you see in movies which pretty much upsets the applecart and the guy flees. So then they are once again 'hurt' and saying  'I don't understand men' or 'all men are dogs' etc.
 
So for the zilionish time .. this is not a 'game' it is more like a 'dance' .. it is the natural flow of things IF you are intuned with this flow. If not ... it feels like you are not being yourself, you are being fake and you are playing 'mind games'.
 
But when you learn to adapt these principles to you who you are ... they becomes a part of you and you ARE being yourself.
 
(I tell my little nieces the same thing ... because their mother (my sister) is messing up with the loser men in her life so I worry the girls will model this bad behavior and ALSO be unhappy in love!) Just wanna SLAP my sister.)



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