Print Page | Close Window

Do Relationships Really Need To Be A Lot Of Work?

Printed From: Black Hair Media Forum
Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Talk, Talk, and More Talk
Forum Description: In this Forum, the talk is about everything that can be talked about.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=367700
Printed Date: Dec 12 2017 at 2:25pm


Topic: Do Relationships Really Need To Be A Lot Of Work?
Posted By: trudawg
Subject: Do Relationships Really Need To Be A Lot Of Work?
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 6:32pm
How much work is "too much" work? Should a relationship feel like a second job? This article intrigued me because when I feel like I'm carrying most of the burden I tend to let it go. What say you?


Do Relationships Really Need To Be A Lot Of Work?


By http://www.yourtango.com/experts/blairglaser" rel="nofollow - Blair Glaser for http://www.yourtango.com/experts/blair-glaser/are-relationships-lot-work" rel="nofollow - YourTango.com

A client came to me distraught.

He had been struggling in his relationship. His fiancée was non-responsive to his needs. She was consumed with and depressed about a touchy situation at work and wanted to stay home, enjoy take-out and watch TV, preferably with but even without him. He accepted this for a few weeks, but it had been dragging on for months.

He tried to coax her into fun. He tried talking to her about getting focused on the wedding plans, but she wasn't very responsive to his enthusiasm. Eventually, he would get frustrated with the situation and they would have a fight. This drove her further into withdrawal. Then, the cycle would repeat.

He confessed to his mother about having serious doubts about the relationship. His mother told him, "Relationships are a lot of work."

This is a popular belief that holds some truth: Relationships can be a lot of work, especially when they're in transition. Whether it's a transition phase for the relationship as a whole, or for the individuals in them, these times tend to stir up drama and are ripe for sorting things through. Some examples of relationship transitions are:

  • The testing period after the relationship becomes "real," 3-6 months after falling in love
  • After moving in together and/or getting engaged
  • The first year of marriage
  • The birth of a child, etc.

Examples of transitions sparked by one partner within a relationship are:

  • Location changes
  • Major success or failure
  • Major loss: job, parent, etc.

This couple had a double whammy: the relationship was in a transition at the same time the woman was in one.

The work that's required in these times is about sorting through expectations and setting up the appropriate structures that will help each partner get their own needs met while attending to the needs of the team. A relationship that's too much work, i.e., filled with disharmony, fighting and processing about the relationship for a prolonged period of time, has probably crossed a line that has not been articulated, and something is not working that may never work.

People begin relationships with conscious or unconscious deal-breakers and non-negotiables in mind: "I can't be with a smoker;" "I need someone who is financially solvent." But living with someone can reveal non-negotiables you didn't know you had.

Once a non-negotiable has been articulated — for this man it was being with someone who wanted to withdraw for extended periods of time — it's time to take a stand and put structures in place that will shift the dysfunction and enable your relationship to be about something other than suffering and hard work. Or, it could be time to make a break.

It's a big risk to tell your beloved that you've found a deal-breaker in the midst of an established relationship. But consider the alternatives.

It is also an act of leadership. If he risks sharing his deal-breaker with his fiancée, it gives her an opportunity to do some real work on herself and join him in love.

Does a relationship need to be a lot of work? Unless you're the type who likes to work on yourself and your relationship all the time, I say no. Transition phases should be temporary and ultimately strengthen the couple as a team, and give way to the joy and camaraderie that brought the couple together.

How does this resonate with you? Join the conversation and tell me about it in the comments.




Replies:
Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 6:33pm
No it should feel natural and both parties should not carry the whole load. She a lazy woman.


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 7:16pm
yesLOL


Posted By: khivey
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 7:17pm
Everyone wants to be in a relationship with the person they met and fell in love with. Situations can change people and people can go through different moods. I think relationships are definitely work because you never know what circumstances can/will come into play. Patience is key...but if it seems like a never ending cycle and you've been patient, supportive and understanding and it seems like things aren't changing...I do believe some serious evaluation needs to come into play, especially if the issues have been communicated on more than one occasion. Everything happens for a reason. It is a team effort, but it takes two mentally healthy individuals to make a relationship work. Each party is responsible for their part ...and at some point you may have to realize that this union was more of a lesson than a destiny.


Posted By: sunshine321511
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 7:35pm
One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is EVERYONE has their "OWN" definition of a GOOD RELATIONSHIP.  For me, my belief is a good relationship is peaceful and drama free.  Life events happen to everyone, death, loss of a job, illness.  But the base of the relationship should be peaceful.
 
But I have observed a lot of women and I have noticed that some of US...our standards are so LOW, some of us accept so much abuse, so much of the constant drama.  Also some of "OUR" men really don't value relationships and commitment so that also adds drama when one party has one goal...while the other party is just looking to do something else.
 
 


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:09pm
I wouldn't say "work" but it takes alot of commitment and patience. And most people are only going to invest that into something they think is worth holding to.


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:12pm
why do people say the first year is the hardest? Shouldn't that be the easiest year since you are newly married and still 'hot in love/lust?'


Posted By: mizzsandra00
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:22pm
Originally posted by PurplePhase PurplePhase wrote:

why do people say the first year is the hardest? Shouldn't that be the easiest year since you are newly married and still 'hot in love/lust?'


Everything that year runs high......lust passion and irritation.....for us thats the year we learned each other quirks and learned which battles weren't worth it.....and long relationship take some degree of mutual work imo......whether it be your bf or bff


Posted By: smaison
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:37pm
no.
the minute it starts to feel like a second job is the minute i bounce. 


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:48pm
Originally posted by mizzsandra00 mizzsandra00 wrote:

Originally posted by PurplePhase PurplePhase wrote:

why do people say the first year is the hardest? Shouldn't that be the easiest year since you are newly married and still 'hot in love/lust?'


Everything that year runs high......lust passion and irritation.....for us thats the year we learned each other quirks and learned which battles weren't worth it.....and long relationship take some degree of mutual work imo......whether it be your bf or bff


It just  Always seemed backwards to me. Seems like you would resolve things easier in the beginning when you're still in the honeymoon phase. 


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:52pm
Originally posted by smaison smaison wrote:

no.
the minute it starts to feel like a second job is the minute i bounce. 

LOL


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 8:56pm
Originally posted by smaison smaison wrote:

no.
the minute it starts to feel like a second job is the minute i bounce. 

yup
stress is a killaaaaaaa


Posted By: trudawg
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 9:14pm
Originally posted by eanaj5 eanaj5 wrote:

Originally posted by smaison smaison wrote:

no.
the minute it starts to feel like a second job is the minute i bounce. 

yup
stress is a killaaaaaaa


word up! I suffered from high BP and anxiety from my last r/s.


Posted By: Lonisha87
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 9:23pm
Originally posted by mizzsandra00 mizzsandra00 wrote:

Originally posted by PurplePhase PurplePhase wrote:

why do people say the first year is the hardest? Shouldn't that be the easiest year since you are newly married and still 'hot in love/lust?'



Everything that year runs high......lust passion and irritation.....for us thats the year we learned each other quirks and learned which battles weren't worth it.....and long relationship take some degree of mutual work imo......whether it be your bf or bff

I agree


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 9:36pm
I agree that issues come up that first year that once resolved won't come up again. I just don't think that would be the hardest year. What about year 15 when you've done everything and are maybe getting bored with the person. Year 27 when the body is changing and they don't look the same anymore and can't do things you used to enjoy. Year 45 when you are changing   bedpans?  lol

To me, those would be the 'hard years.'


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 9:46pm
Originally posted by trudawg trudawg wrote:

Originally posted by eanaj5 eanaj5 wrote:

Originally posted by smaison smaison wrote:

no.
the minute it starts to feel like a second job is the minute i bounce. 

yup
stress is a killaaaaaaa


word up! I suffered from high BP and anxiety from my last r/s.


oh my. that's not good.

My nephew said he was having medical issues toward the end of his marriage. He was on hbp medication and some other medication (@age 30). After he moved out he said his doc said it was a miraculous recovery. He was taken off both meds soon after.


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 10:05pm
 ok. Finally read the article/post (lol) and I'd say this is the gist:

<<It's a big risk to tell your beloved that you've found a deal-breaker in the midst of an established relationship. But consider the alternatives.

Does a relationship need to be a lot of work? Unless you're the type who likes to work on yourself and your relationship all the time, I say no.>>



I think relationships that are a lot of work can succeed if both people think relationships are a lot of work. If one thinks relationships should be easy and calm, that person will probably not be too happy and  bounce LOL because that's not their thing.


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 10:33pm
No and if you with the right person it won't be, I will not be changing so if there are things you don;t like I advise people to move on but I accept people at face value and If I don't like what I am facing then I'm out. No hard feelings.

Who has time to keep having these "talks" .


Posted By: PurplePhase
Date Posted: Jan 18 2014 at 11:04pm
so you're a bouncer too PG huh

LOL


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 12:27am
Originally posted by PurplePhase PurplePhase wrote:

so you're a bouncer too PG huh

LOL

I am cold with the mess too, I act like they never existed. I don;t understand the thinking that after naming 7,876 things you don't like about a ninja WHY you think that he is the one and after he FIXES at least 7,000 of the things you don't like yall getting married.

Girl Bye. 

Every guy I have dated they THINK they will be the one who is going to change me LOLLOLLOL, so far Men 0 Grace stay winning.


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 5:31am
on the flip side, id be bored if there was always good weather. I like a healthy amount of conflict,  not enough to feel like i should be getting salaried for it.


Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 5:46am
Originally posted by PurplePhase PurplePhase wrote:

why do people say the first year is the hardest? Shouldn't that be the easiest year since you are newly married and still 'hot in love/lust?'




Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 5:49am
Originally posted by eanaj5 eanaj5 wrote:

on the flip side, id be bored if there was always good weather. I like a healthy amount of conflict,  not enough to feel like i should be getting salaried for it.

you get ten points just for the king push avi


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 9:15am
People watch too many romantic comedies and get things mixed up. If you say to some people well why you with him if he do ______, then you hating and don't let you not have a bf at the time then You a angry lonely bird. When people start discussing their relationship with me my face gets blank and I go to my happy place. It's like you know he cheating, got bad credit, a iffy job and two baby mommas wtf you want me to say ?


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 9:17am
Originally posted by afrokock afrokock wrote:

Originally posted by PurplePhase PurplePhase wrote:

why do people say the first year is the hardest? Shouldn't that be the easiest year since you are newly married and still 'hot in love/lust?'




They married the wrong person cause he asked because of the THIRST of saying I got a huzzzzzband is all.


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 9:51am
LOL at some of these comments.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with changing in a relationship. I think it is healthy and normal. Me and my husband have both changed for the good. I called him out on things and vice versa. We both took a hard look at ourselves and we have both changed in certain areas and its has helped our relationship.Sometimes you don't even realize that you are a certain way that is hurtful or offensive to people. Life is about maturing and we are all constantly changing whether you realize it or not. Sometimes its for the good and sometimes for the bad. 


Posted By: EPITOME
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 9:53am
Nothing worth having comes easy.


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 9:59am
Its nothing wrong with changing, BUT the person has to respect your opinion enough to care to change and have the motivation and follow through to make it happen. In my mind boyfriend versus husband is different. 



Posted By: jonesable
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:00am
I remember the last thread on this and what ppl mean when they say work.
All I know is even when I'm mad at him I wouldn't want him anywhere else but beside me.
I think me and him are better together than we are apart tbh

I agree bf vs husband is different .
But I also agree with what Veemack said a while back.
There is a turning point even before your married when he thinks of you as his wife and you think of him as your husband.
It doesn't all begin post nuptials


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:01am
Originally posted by Princess Grace Princess Grace wrote:

People watch too many romantic comedies and get things mixed up. If you say to some people well why you with him if he do ______, then you hating and don't let you not have a bf at the time then You a angry lonely bird. When people start discussing their relationship with me my face gets blank and I go to my happy place. It's like you know he cheating, got bad credit, a iffy job and two baby mommas wtf you want me to say ?



ConfusedAre you the poster that had the thread about your man cheating and wanting him to call the other girl? Or am I mistaken?


Posted By: Sang Froid
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:03am
Whenever I'm nice and drama-free nigguhs don't want anything to do with me.
But when I'm fussin' and callin' em a bitch ass nigguh they be lovin' it.


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:05am
Originally posted by Princess Grace Princess Grace wrote:

Its nothing wrong with changing, BUT the person has to respect your opinion enough to care to change and have the motivation and follow through to make it happen. In my mind boyfriend versus husband is different. 



Yeah I agree with the bolded. But we made some of the changes before we got married. Some things had to change before that was going to happen. And they did. The changes weren't temporary or just for him and vice versa. They were changes that would have benefited  us in any relationship if we were never married. 


Posted By: jonesable
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:08am
I remember what this older lady said .
I love talking to her about stuff like this.

She said a lot of ppl marry but few marry their husband.
She was speaking about her niece .
I need to call her after the holiday


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:09am
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

Originally posted by Princess Grace Princess Grace wrote:

People watch too many romantic comedies and get things mixed up. If you say to some people well why you with him if he do ______, then you hating and don't let you not have a bf at the time then You a angry lonely bird. When people start discussing their relationship with me my face gets blank and I go to my happy place. It's like you know he cheating, got bad credit, a iffy job and two baby mommas wtf you want me to say ?



ConfusedAre you the poster that had the thread about your man cheating and wanting him to call the other girl? Or am I mistaken?

Mistaken Cry

I ain't bout that life of sitting there asking no fool to call the side vagina. ConfusedConfusedConfused


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:13am
LOL My bad your name looked familiar.


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:37am
Marriage ain't that hard as long as we listen to the dark prince its all good and give Baal his due in Beelzebub name.


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:45am
Originally posted by iliveforbhm iliveforbhm wrote:

Marriage ain't that hard as long as we listen to the dark prince its all good and give Baal his due in Beelzebub name.

Several seats for you in the corner.


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:47am
I ain't going in your corner homewrecker.


Posted By: india100
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:49am
LOL


Posted By: india100
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:50am
The couples that are meant to be , are the ones who go through everything that was designed to tear them apart .


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:53am
Originally posted by iliveforbhm iliveforbhm wrote:

Marriage ain't that hard as long as we listen to the dark prince its all good and give Baal his due in Beelzebub name.

LOLLOLLOL

If this is where I am supposed to get all up in my feelings its not happening.


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 10:59am
Nah, just for you to realize don't throw rocks at the man of perdition when you live in a shoe


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:02am
ilive you are all types, textures and shades of crazy


Wacko


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:06am
Originally posted by iliveforbhm iliveforbhm wrote:

Nah, just for you to realize don't throw rocks at the man of perdition when you live in a shoe

Lmao, I never claimed to be anyones moral compass but peoplel kill me sitting there with your BHM handy dandy quotebook. I don't keep up with what someone posted on Nov.12, 2012 @ 1pm in the _____ thread so I can have my gotcha moment, is it tiring?

To be honest I didn't take your devil post serious but okay.


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:08am
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

ilive you are all types, textures and shades of crazy


Wacko


I'm crazier in the bed hun


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:09am
Originally posted by Princess Grace Princess Grace wrote:

Originally posted by iliveforbhm iliveforbhm wrote:

Nah, just for you to realize don't throw rocks at the man of perdition when you live in a shoe


Lmao, I never claimed to be anyones moral compass but peoplel kill me sitting there with your BHM handy dandy quotebook. <span style="line-height: 1.4;">I don't keep up with what someone posted on Nov.12, 2012 @ 1pm in the _____ thread so I can have my gotcha moment, is it tiring?</span>
<span style="line-height: 1.4;">
</span>
<span style="line-height: 1.4;">To be honest I didn't take your devil post serious but okay.</span>


Whateva gurlfraaaand you should have kept your monkey lips sealed or fangas


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:17am
Originally posted by iliveforbhm iliveforbhm wrote:

Originally posted by Princess Grace Princess Grace wrote:

Originally posted by iliveforbhm iliveforbhm wrote:

Nah, just for you to realize don't throw rocks at the man of perdition when you live in a shoe


Lmao, I never claimed to be anyones moral compass but peoplel kill me sitting there with your BHM handy dandy quotebook. <span style="line-height: 1.4;">I don't keep up with what someone posted on Nov.12, 2012 @ 1pm in the _____ thread so I can have my gotcha moment, is it tiring?</span>
<span style="line-height: 1.4;">
</span>
<span style="line-height: 1.4;">To be honest I didn't take your devil post serious but okay.</span>


Whateva gurlfraaaand you should have kept your monkey lips sealed or fangas

Why wont your buddy Satan just come for your ass??? I wont be derailing this thread any further so have fun. 

Toodles




Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:19am
princess, why?


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 11:22am
Toodles homewrecker.


Posted By: Princess Grace
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 12:27pm
Originally posted by eanaj5 eanaj5 wrote:

princess, why?

What did I do?Embarrassed


Posted By: trudawg
Date Posted: Jan 19 2014 at 4:56pm
I posted this same question on FB, this is what my Mom said.

Quote I wish it were that easy as the article implies, there are many transitions in life as in a relationship. There will be bumps in the road and some mountains to climb and true couples should be able to grow stronger after a major change. BUT sometimes it is not so easy for one or the other without a lot of work. A relationship worth saving is worth the work, trust me I've been in mine for 43 years (it has not been 50/50 at times) and still going strong.


I think she makes a good point like some of the posts here mentioned.



Print Page | Close Window