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My dumb friend....

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Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Relationships
Forum Description: Single, Married, Dating, or Other, Lets Talk About It.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=365740
Printed Date: Aug 20 2018 at 7:37am


Topic: My dumb friend....
Posted By: Beauty620
Subject: My dumb friend....
Date Posted: Nov 01 2013 at 2:43pm
Ok BHM I have this friend of 16 years +, we talk everyday....she is like my diary I am like hers because we tell each other everything. Long story short she has been involved with this NO GOOD GUY going on 7 years off and on. He has made like 3-4 babies on her (by all different mothers) She can count on 1 damn hand how many places he has taken her out in public, He does not support her any type of way, Basically dude ain't good for nothing but D*** ( IJS ). So recently he proposed to her, she accepted....3 days later he goes back to his official baby mother ( they have a 4 month old & a 3 yr old ) He has been staying with her and feeds my friend this line ( we are still engaged just give me a little time ), and my friend so damn gullable she accepts it. Angry He only fcks with my friend when he either A gets into it with baby mom. B wants sum goods (whether its weed, drank, pu*** etc) Dude is a st8 up user and she knows it, just doesn't seem to wake the h*** up. She recently just had surgery and dude did not show up not once to check on her. I am getn so sick n tired of hearing about this no good for nuthn a** dude and i'm getn pissed more and more to the point where I wanna cuss her out or just quit talking to her.
 
What should I do or how could I put it to her for her to WAKE THA HE** UP?????
Excuse my foul mouth.....it just pisses me off!
 
 



Replies:
Posted By: TOUSHA11
Date Posted: Nov 01 2013 at 6:13pm
I do not really think nothing you say to her can change her mind. I am quite she knows by now and accepts that he aint Shyt. If you tired of hearing it all you can do is stop being friends with her or call her less your choice.< ="text/" id="_tmpl">


Posted By: Brjasuga51
Date Posted: Nov 01 2013 at 6:24pm
She will eventually get to her breaking point


Posted By: slykitten
Date Posted: Nov 01 2013 at 7:20pm
She just has to learn the lesson herself.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Nov 01 2013 at 8:16pm
Her problem is low self-esteem. She is holding on to a guy whom she believes one day will change.
Remind her that she might become his new baby mama soon, supporting him and the baby. Tell her she can get d!ck anywhere else, and better yet, d!ck that might not have STD.

But at the end, she is the one who makes the choice. if she chooses to stay with him, there is nothing you can do.


Posted By: Blac1Chyna
Date Posted: Nov 01 2013 at 11:30pm
what about introducing her to someone better?


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Nov 02 2013 at 2:26am
7 years of this???

No, your friend isn't going to listen to a word you say. I know you love her, but that's the kind of person who will do the same stupid thing over and over expecting a different result.

That's the kind of person who has to get tired of something after repeating it endlessly for there to be change. She may not like the way this dude goes, but she sure is comfortable enough to stay.

You be the good friend you've always been and just stay by her side and maintain the friendship.

She knows how you feel about him. She knows he ain't sh*t. But there she still is and there she will stay.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 02 2013 at 3:54pm
Sorry but she is one of these 'damaged goods' types of female to let a man walk all over her like that. Disapprove
 
 
She probably learned this from her family/upbringing so that stuff is ENGRAINED.
 
If it bothers you that much .. stay away from her and put the situation out of your mind because nothing you can say will change her mind.  If anything .. it will make her want to stay with him even more.
 
Live your own life right.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 05 2013 at 12:05pm
Thanks you all, she still continues to keep me updated on when he texted her saying he's coming over and never shows, etc etc.....so from this point forward I will continue to listen...or at least act like I am. I'ma quit putn him down and her as well (by trying to keep it real with her) and i'm going to let her make her own decision...or mistake, whichever one she is comfortable with.  I think she is definetly damaged goods and she is selling herself short. But hey we live and we learn right. However it will be so hard to bite my tongue because I am the type that will not settle for anyone's b.s. But ima have to bite my tongue for her big/lil dilemma lol...also I tell her all the time that we are going to go speed-dating just for her and i'm going to help her find a good man. But she always laughs and says "gurl I ain't looking for nobody". SMH
 
Thanks again ladies....I appreciate the feedback. Smile


Posted By: patternsandtexture
Date Posted: Nov 05 2013 at 12:51pm

Dang, dude is really winning with all these females and getting it in.



Posted By: EasterBell
Date Posted: Nov 05 2013 at 1:00pm
Yeah, don't even waste your breathe.. She will fall on her azz and wake up eventually.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 05 2013 at 4:59pm
Originally posted by patternsandtexture patternsandtexture wrote:

Dang, dude is really winning with all these females and getting it in.

 
WINNING!!!!! .......the same dang thing that I said.....and if you saw him you would look like Shocked Confused and LOL (laugh) like the joke that he is, dude has nothing and I mean absolutly NOTHING going for himself, no job, not even a hustle, no car....no NADA .....smh
 
 


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 06 2013 at 10:40am
Well, if she thinks she has 'somebody' already so no need to try Speed dating ... that tells you right there where her head is.
 
Use reverse psychology on her by NOT putting hom down or trying to talk her out of seeing him. Don't say another word about him. I really feel sorry for her.
 
See how she acts.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 07 2013 at 9:04am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

Well, if she thinks she has 'somebody' already so no need to try Speed dating ... that tells you right there where her head is.
 
Use reverse psychology on her by NOT putting hom down or trying to talk her out of seeing him. Don't say another word about him. I really feel sorry for her.
 
See how she acts.
 
That's exactly what I started doing. Instead of saying all the negative ish, I started to agree and tell her what she wanted to hear. Which she would sorta pause like wth LOL
I just fig if she wanna be stupid ima give her stupid advice, instead of saying F him, i'd say....well try calling him and talking it out, ask him to pls come over....and stuff like Aww don't do him like that. LOL LOL
 
That's a damn shame too lol smh.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 07 2013 at 3:38pm

Umm no, I didn't mean for you to talk 'nice' about him. Nooo. Do not ENCOURAGE her. You can't tell damaged people what they want to hear - that will not work to snap her out of it.

She's not thinking right... so if you say nice things about him - eventually she will fool herself into believing that you TOO think he's an okay guy. Confused If you say bad things about him .. that is fine too because you are still talking about him and that keeps the 'relationship' (such as it is) real.

I mean, just don't talk about him 'at all'. If she brings him up, just smile politely and don't say anything or bring up another topic. Don't have conversations about him at all ... if you do you are just feeding into her delusions about him. Keeping it .. alive. So let it die.
 
She'lll get the message and stop talking about him to you.  So bit by bit the delusion slips further and further away .. because she can't bring it any life.
 
Also it shows that you are finally DONE with the foolishness of that messed relationship she has with him. Confused


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 07 2013 at 6:57pm
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

Umm no, I didn't mean for you to talk 'nice' about him. Nooo. Do not ENCOURAGE her. You can't tell damaged people what they want to hear - that will not work to snap her out of it.

She's not thinking right... so if you say nice things about him - eventually she will fool herself into believing that you TOO think he's an okay guy. Confused If you say bad things about him .. that is fine too because you are still talking about him and that keeps the 'relationship' (such as it is) real.

I mean, just don't talk about him 'at all'. If she brings him up, just smile politely and don't say anything or bring up another topic. Don't have conversations about him at all ... if you do you are just feeding into her delusions about him. Keeping it .. alive. So let it die.
 
She'lll get the message and stop talking about him to you.  So bit by bit the delusion slips further and further away .. because she can't bring it any life.
 
Also it shows that you are finally DONE with the foolishness of that messed relationship she has with him. Confused

OOooooooooh okay....Gotcha! Wink That I will do. That sounds like a plan...
Thank ya girlie!


Posted By: mickie
Date Posted: Nov 08 2013 at 8:01am
I think we all have a dumb friend..
I have one too.
3 children, 2 baby daddies...
Had the second child to try to keep him, never worked obviously.
Found out he was living with his new woman in their house together for 5 years.
Not that he was cheating, she was just naïve.
Third kid was for someone her family and friends told her was down low...
Obviously she never listened...
Now she is in court with both, tryna get child support because she made bad decisions in life.
Not saying the children were, just saying she needs to grow up and finally be a woman.
 
I hate hearing her complain and I especially hate to see her cry.
You effed up, you were warned not once, not twice but 3 times... DEAL WITH IT!
 
#imustsaying
 
 
 


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 09 2013 at 3:10am

Okay, I will tell a ‘dumb girlfriend’ story. Tongue

I have a (Black) Dutch friend. Well, she not really a friend because I stopped seeing her years ago as she was so negative and paranoid and unhappy. She is an older woman (maybe 48 now) that has only been in a couple of relationships – in her life -  if I understood her correctly. I don’t know her back story because she is very pretty … but from meeting her ghettoed-up, mean acting sisters I think she will only date non-White Dutch guys and they seem to be the poor, ghetto type of guy. This I noticed early on… so I knew we could never be close.

Okay, I avoided her for several years until one day .. I ran into her on the street. We talked for a minute and she immediately started talking about this guy that dumped her. She explained that he was from Egypt and was living here illegally, so she went to the Immigration people and applied to be his SPONSOR so he could stay here. They wre together 3 years. Then, he said he wanted to open a business selling XYZ so she helped him get that started. After a while she notices this woman always in the shop and he explains again and again that she is just helping him set up. She says that she can tell this woman is acting too close to him. Time goes by (he has strange comings and goings) and suddenly he announces that he wants to move out … and marry this other woman .. and he’s gone. Shocked

Well, she has a TOTAL collapse and has to take off work, can’t eat, can’t do anything etc … that's when it dawned on me how THIN she looked and how much gray hair she had now. Then I asked her … how long ago this happened? She says … 4 years ago!

So she is still absolutely devastated after all these years? We got together a couple or more times after that and both times  I had to hear her go on and on about this loser illegal guy that basically USED HER to gain a Residence Permit in this country. Duh! I tried to tell her this .. but she refuses to see him for the USER that he was.

-          Lots of people live here illegally and would love to get some FOOL to sponsor them to stay here!!!!!!!!!!!! (Who does not know this?)

-          Why is she living with a man outside of marriage to begin with? This is only a way of ‘auditioning’ for the part of wife. DUH! IMO the only way a live-in relationship leads to marriage .. is when the guy wants marriage but the girl is not sure. Basically, HE is still pursuing her in this case. But if it’s the other way around then SHE is chasing him and it falls apart once the going gets though. With a commitment .. it stays together when things get though – because he is committed. DUH! (of course, people do get divorced)

-         

She said a lot about what she did with him but once she said ‘I don’t know why he left … I DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM’. I thought – WHY did you do all that stuff for that nobody guy? WOMEN CAN’T DO THINGS FOR MEN. Duh! Men have gotta DO THINGS for women … but only after a commitment or else it becomes veiled form of Prostitution.

Let the man do his flipping job! Now she took that away from him.
 
Secondly, a poor, illegal guy like this with nothing to offer a woman but his ‘good looking’ company … can never come to anything substantial anyway! So he never could have done his job with her.

But hey, now that she helped him build this business he DOES have something to offer that new woman (that probably needs his help!)

 

Anyway, I see her from time to time … she looks worse and worse .. but I keep my distance.

 



Posted By: Senior Detective
Date Posted: Nov 11 2013 at 1:50pm
dumb women like that should just stay with the guy, catch aids, then die


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 11 2013 at 3:23pm
I hate to say it but ...these kind of people should not reproduce.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 14 2013 at 2:58pm
UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Okay so he has been calling her when his bm goes to work, and they've been texting throughout the night when he can't talk on the phone. So she's still k.i.t with this fool. Not only that but he has been lying to her still yet about coming over to spend time with her, he finally shows after the fact that he tells her he needs $ to buy his daughter some pampers. WOW RIGHT, so he shows up fo sho bcuz he needed that $. He's been with her since.....which has only been overnight LOL, he will be departing very soon i'm sure to go home to his girl and kids Wink.  And when she even thinks about texting me about how she's so hurt this that and the other I will not even reply. Because i'm tired of hearing about it. Smh... Thx for listening ladies!


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 14 2013 at 4:38pm
Do not reply to her ... do not support that nonsense situation she is involved with.
 
Let her fall on her face ... it's the only way she will ever learn.
 
My mother always said ... you can learn a lesson one of two ways:
 
- You can learn the easy way (meaning you have enough sense to take good advice from people that love you and wish you welll) or
 
- you can learn the same lesson ... the HARD way (by falling on your face) and for some people the ONLY way they can learn is ... the hard way.
 
Leave her alone until she comes to her senses.


Posted By: khivey
Date Posted: Nov 14 2013 at 9:42pm
Originally posted by Beauty620 Beauty620 wrote:

UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Okay so he has been calling her when his bm goes to work, and they've been texting throughout the night when he can't talk on the phone. So she's still k.i.t with this fool. Not only that but he has been lying to her still yet about coming over to spend time with her, he finally shows after the fact that he tells her he needs $ to buy his daughter some pampers. WOW RIGHT, so he shows up fo sho bcuz he needed that $. He's been with her since.....which has only been overnight LOL, he will be departing very soon i'm sure to go home to his girl and kids Wink.  And when she even thinks about texting me about how she's so hurt this that and the other I will not even reply. Because i'm tired of hearing about it. Smh... Thx for listening ladies!

or respond "LMAO" LOL


Posted By: EasterBell
Date Posted: Nov 15 2013 at 7:22am
Originally posted by khivey khivey wrote:

Originally posted by Beauty620 Beauty620 wrote:

UPDATE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Okay so he has been calling her when his bm goes to work, and they've been texting throughout the night when he can't talk on the phone. So she's still k.i.t with this fool. Not only that but he has been lying to her still yet about coming over to spend time with her, he finally shows after the fact that he tells her he needs $ to buy his daughter some pampers. WOW RIGHT, so he shows up fo sho bcuz he needed that $. He's been with her since.....which has only been overnight LOL, he will be departing very soon i'm sure to go home to his girl and kids Wink.  And when she even thinks about texting me about how she's so hurt this that and the other I will not even reply. Because i'm tired of hearing about it. Smh... Thx for listening ladies!

or respond "LMAO" LOL
 
I like this response..


Posted By: mickie
Date Posted: Nov 15 2013 at 7:35am
your friend is so dumb.. I just want to punch her!!!!!
uughhhh!
 
Raising my blood pressure...Confused


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 15 2013 at 11:06am
Originally posted by mickie mickie wrote:

your friend is so dumb.. I just want to punch her!!!!!
uughhhh!
 
Raising my blood pressure...Confused
 
And that is exactly how I feel LMAO....swear for the life of me she pisses me off because she's so to the point where she says she loves him and she doesn't feel she should stand aside and let the former girl have him ( and him and his bm who she's referring to has 2 kids, youngest is 4 months ) So yes she will fall on her face learning the hard way as the poster mentioned above and when she does i'm not going to be the one whom she can vent too.
 
Straight IDIOT LOL 


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Nov 15 2013 at 11:42am
That's really sad... your friend is wasting her life running after a loser. Any man who can only meet you at night and leaves either during the night or early morning has a woman to go to - you are just the midnight snack.

She can't see it for herself and she refuses to listen to anyone else. There is truly nothing you can do.... deeply inside, she knows it is wrong for him to ask for pampers' cash (because she vents to you) but she cannot let go of the dude.

She is in love with his d!ck, not with him, because if she were, she would be really HURT that he disappears on her like that.

She needs to get out of this vicious cycle, but only her can do that.



Posted By: mickie
Date Posted: Nov 15 2013 at 12:26pm
Originally posted by Beauty620 Beauty620 wrote:

Originally posted by mickie mickie wrote:

your friend is so dumb.. I just want to punch her!!!!!
uughhhh!
 
Raising my blood pressure...Confused
 
And that is exactly how I feel LMAO....swear for the life of me she pisses me off because she's so to the point where she says she loves him and she doesn't feel she should stand aside and let the former girl have him ( and him and his bm who she's referring to has 2 kids, youngest is 4 months ) So yes she will fall on her face learning the hard way as the poster mentioned above and when she does i'm not going to be the one whom she can vent too.
 
Straight IDIOT LOL 
 
I have a friend just like her and it got to the point where my boyfriend had to put his foot down and ban her from my house lol
he was tired of hearing the foolishness...
 


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Nov 18 2013 at 12:21pm
Thanks Ladies.....

It's sad indeed. And your right she will never listen to anybody. Gotta learn on her own...hopefully soon she'll wake up.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Nov 18 2013 at 12:40pm
One question ..how old is she?
 
I ask because at a certain age like 40 or so ... it's kind of hard to EVER change. Stern Smile
 
She should be careful or she will be doomed to repeat this pattern for the rest of her life.
 
Then she will end up being one of those women that sits around saying 'all men are dogs' - only it's not all men .. it's just that she CHOOSES dogs.
 
She can't tell a 'good man' from 'a dog'. I wonder what her back story is like because women tend to model the behavior ... of their mothers.  


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Dec 27 2013 at 8:52am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:


One question ..how old is she?
 
I ask because at a certain age like 40 or so ... it's kind of hard to EVER change. Stern Smile
 
She should be careful or she will be doomed to repeat this pattern for the rest of her life.
 
Then she will end up being one of those women that sits around saying 'all men are dogs' - only it's not all men .. it's just that she CHOOSES dogs.
 
She can't tell a 'good man' from 'a dog'. I wonder what her back story is like because women tend to model the behavior ... of their mothers.  


She is 32 Years old and you would think she would know better, lately we have not really been talking, I don't know if she's feeling my vibe, may have read this post or got wind of what was said about her, which there are a lot of haters out here who love to run and tell that, but I really don't care, enough is enough. Last I talked to her she walked him to the bus stop so he had been over there, and he hit her up for money, I mean it's got to the point where I wouldn't pay attention to her conversation lol. JUST A SAD CASE. They say nothing + nothing = nothing.

Nuff said.


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Dec 27 2013 at 9:03am
Umm if she is 32 years old ... something is wrong with her.

(and I neeeeeeeever give money to men. Never. The minute a man asks a woman for money ... you know he is a 'user-loser'.)

Let her be. She will have to stew in her own soup.


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Dec 27 2013 at 8:51pm
yea she gonna be old and bitter..


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Dec 28 2013 at 12:14am
I am glad you are not talking to her anymore, but at the same time I think it is not beneficial for her to lose friends who see what she doesn't see, she needs to lose some to gain same, and I hope she gains knowledge and dumps him......... which probably won't happen.


Posted By: BeanieBabiesMommy
Date Posted: Dec 29 2013 at 12:38pm
I have been that girl before and you know what happened to me?
the only person I could complain to about my relationship told me straight up, if it has anything to do with your relationship I dont want to hear it.
 
so in the end I ended up having no one to tell my sad sad stories too and at last I grew some balls and turned my relationship around.
 
so to save yourself the stress, you can keep being her friend just tell her kindly "I dont want to hear anything about him" and soon she will realize what an idiot she really is because I dont care if the dick was her childs father. aint no dick on this plant worth being used for especially when this world is filled with wonderful men that are sexy attractive got good sex and know how to treat a woman. right now shes acting like pathetic desperate low self esteen having woman and that's probably why no good man has came her way yet. until she starts having respect for herself, this is the kind of men she will be dealing with.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Jan 14 2014 at 8:56am
UPDATE!!!!!!! UPDATE!!!!!!!!!

Okay so she is finally coming to her senses ya'll....

She no longer gives him money, she no longer provides weed & alcohol for him, the other day was his birthday and she said she acted like she was completely broke, she doesn't keep her money or change laying around for him to take.  etc...

So I guess this is process of elimination. Hopefully she stays on the right track and not get side tracked by sweet talk or foolishness guys pull....


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Jan 14 2014 at 12:14pm
Wow!

Good for her and good that YOUR behavior influenced this big change in her! :)


Posted By: Gorden94
Date Posted: Jan 14 2014 at 8:52pm
Hopefully she stays on the right path instead of going through the same thing because he whispers sweet nothings. Wish you guys all the best.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Jan 14 2014 at 9:07pm
Wow those are great news! I wonder if he did something that made her want to change, or if she is just broke or if she simply realized what a boring person she became, because all she did was to talk about him!

I am so glad! I guess it really helps those girls when their friends walk away.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Jan 15 2014 at 11:55am
Right...I went weeks w/o talking to her, I finally talked to her on new years and she got to running at the mouth about how she had to get her mind right. I think she's honestly doing it because she realized that he is a straight user...he only came around when it was beneficial to him smh. So yes you all I hope she really does stay on the right path. 

We shall see, I think if she slips up again I probably won't even update the news lol, because it'll be just a never ending story LOLShockedStarClap




Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Jan 15 2014 at 1:20pm
If she does it again with another guy ... you need to wipe your hands of her.

Enough is enough. :(


Posted By: iliveforbhm
Date Posted: Jan 15 2014 at 2:00pm
I'm tired of "girlfraaands" ruining the game.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Apr 18 2014 at 11:11pm
Did your friend fall back to her old ways or no?


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Apr 19 2014 at 3:53am
Yes Beauty, did she ever smarten up?


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Apr 21 2014 at 3:07pm
UPDATE....UPDATE!!!!

Okay Ladies....she fell back from this guy for just a little while, that did not last long, maybe less than a month. She is still officially the side chic, he only goes around her still yet when it's beneficial to him, he borrows money from her, which he owes her HA!....and you should know the rest. Straight user. He is still with his children mother of (2).  He still tells my friend that she's not going no where, he wants to be with her, just give him time, they are going to get married....BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...basically just a bunch of bs to keep her in his corner because he's needy...and believe it or not it's actually working so I can't do anything but laugh LOLLOLLOL.

However ladies....her lil dumb a** stories of "girl he said he still loves me" bs is so old to me where as I don't even give her the time to talk about him, I really haven't been talking to her on the phone, and when we text which is like twice a week if that, if she feeds me a story I don't even touch on the subject at all....I just skip the subject like I didn't even read it. I honestly think we are sorta growing apart to be honest, because it's like if she can't talk about him and vent to me anymore it really isn't nothing to talk about, and i'm cool with that because that shows me how true of a friend she really is...the older you get the more friends you lose anyway. 

So that's the story Ladies.....
Trust me I know you all are Shaking your head, I know I am lol. 




Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Apr 21 2014 at 4:08pm
Verdict: Still dumb

Beauty, I ain't even mad at you backing off!


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Apr 21 2014 at 5:22pm
Originally posted by Beauty620 Beauty620 wrote:

<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">UPDATE....UPDATE!!!!
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Okay Ladies....she fell back from this guy for just a little while, that did not last long, maybe less than a month. She is still officially the side chic, he only goes around her still yet when it's beneficial to him, he borrows money from her, which he owes her HA!....and you should know the rest. Straight user. He is still with his children mother of (2).  He still tells my friend that she's not going no where, he wants to be with her, just give him time, they are going to get married....BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...basically just a bunch of bs to keep her in his corner because he's needy...and believe it or not it's actually working so I can't do anything but laugh LOLLOLLOL.
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">However ladies....her lil dumb a** stories of "girl he said he still loves me" bs is so old to me where as I don't even give her the time to talk about him, I really haven't been talking to her on the phone, and when we text which is like twice a week if that, if she feeds me a story I don't even touch on the subject at all....I just skip the subject like I didn't even read it. I honestly think we are sorta growing apart to be honest, because it's like if she can't talk about him and vent to me anymore it really isn't nothing to talk about, and i'm cool with that because that shows me how true of a friend she really is...the older you get the more friends you lose anyway. 
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">So that's the story Ladies.....
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Trust me I know you all are Shaking your head, I know I am lol. 




Yep as you age you do lose a lot of friends - mainly because you are growing and advancing yourself .. and they are still on the corner - hands out and begging for crumbs from some losee. And tgen they want to convince you that he really loves her, STUPID.

If the basis of your friendship is the men you date... sooner or later you will have to cut her lose for good. Easy - just be busy when she calls. If she asks WHY you are never free to meet up ... tell her you cannot have self-destructive people in your life.

Personally, I don't entertain unhealthy people. They will suck the life out of you.

Flee!


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Apr 21 2014 at 5:40pm
That sucks that she fell for his bs again or worse: probably hit him up herself.
I am glad you are not bothering with her anymore.


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 3:16am
Yeah, but there is something strange about calling someone with very low self esteem dumb, stupid and other names.
Most black men and women have very low self esteem and it is the direct result of a system set up to make and keep us this way.

I saw a poster mention that this woman probably learned this from the women in her family. That may be true, and proves that it is a conditioning.
You don't kick someone when they are down, and call them names and exalt yourself for not being conditioned that way, because guess what? You are conditioned another way. You are conditioned to (mentally) look down upon people who need help. You have a superiority complex.

Anyway, clearly the psyche of the black man and woman is poisoned. Which agencies poison us is important to know so that we are clear on who our enemies are, and self defense is obviously needed. Not just physical defense..but moreso mental.

Your friend is a victim of conditioning. We all are. You could shine some light on her if you care.
My mother always said, there are many ways to skin a cat.

Maybe for your mental sanity you need to take a back seat, but always be ready to be a friend. Always be ready to enlighten, always be ready to serve love where people are malnourished. I'm not suggesting you be a fool, but the informed and enlightened have a responsibility to inform and enlighten others, and it would be nice if that is done off the pedestal.

Just my irrelevant 0.02



Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 6:37am
Derri is right. Ouch


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 9:43am
Well, I will continue to call this woman – stupid.

I am the one who said she probably learned this crap from her family etc so thinks it’s normal to be in deadend ‘relationships’ like this. White women have the exact same problem btw … so it’s not that AA women are to be so pitied because they have the low self-esteem problems because of ‘the system’. 

AAs can’t keep playing that card for every daggone thing that goes wrong on their lives .. forever.

What? Are we all so stupid that we can’t figure it out? We all have to take responsibly for our choices or else we are the same as the slaves our ancestors used to be. AAs can go for therapy .. read books etc… they have what is termed ‘free will’.

They all have to pull up their big girl panties like big girls and get a GRIP. Otherwise they will bred another generation of AA women that stay with abusive men .. who will ALSO blame their Féd up situation on ‘the system’ So then generation after generation this will go on … and no one ever has to take RESPONSIBILTY for their choices. This would be a helpless slave mentality IMO where AA woman no choice.

Sorry but AA women need to be encouraged to snap the heck out if it and stop ‘using’ the fact that they are Black and have low self-esteem issues to explain why they are doing these self destructive things.

Second 'the system' is absolutely NEVER gonna change to Black folks that sitting around waiting for the White man to fix the system so that they can be okay ... are spinning their wheel.You have to help yourself in this world.

(And btw I am AA and I don’t have these self-esteem issues – and neither do a lot of my friends so yes, this stuff sound pitiful.)

The OP says she HAS tried to help her, support her etc .. but nothing works so in the end is dumb or stupid or any terms you want to use but hey, how can it be HER job to help resolve these self-esteem issues that her friend is carrying around?

Everybody’s got to carry their OWN ba ge.

Her friend needs a Therapist ... not someone to tell her .. it’s not her fault – it ‘the system’ that’s caused her to layup with that loser.

STUPID.


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:01am


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:08am
Some people choose to keep love to themselves, some choose to share. The freedom to act upon desire is the gift of life itself. Do as thou may.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:16am
@Derri, the OP tried to be friends with her but she actually got tired of the whole convo about the guy. Her friend did let go of the guy but went back to him. They are friends for years, but her friend just wants to discuss the guy, that's what their friendship has become, which sounds quite boring.

But I get what you saying about being conditioned... her friend hasn't learned to love herself first.


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:29am
Yes, I read and understood the entire previous 5 pages.

Did trigger words upset some ppl? Trigger words being system, poison, etc?
Hey, get mad at the facts, then.

But was my humble opinion (as in, i wasn't really asking for an opinion on my opinion) read and understood?

i mentioned taking a different approach. That's what the skinning a cat reference was about. I also mentioned taking a back seat for her own emotional sanity if she needed. Hell, the OP could stop being friends with her friend all she wants.



By the way, i am not an African American. Guess what? That system of physical and mental slavery for the purpose of resource/economic control didn't just happen in America.

Anyway, my suggestion was to stop kicking a victim of (multiple kinds of) conditioning. Where did we lose our tradition of womanhood? Or should I say YOU AA?? That would be low and weird, wouldn't it?
But based on this all man for himself ideology, it seems that would be best (Sarcasm because I know better).

My only suggestion was to stop tearing this woman's self esteem down further, and to be willing to love her when she is ready for a change. Next time i'll make sure to skip over threads like these. Goodbye cruel board.


Lol it sucks having to put a disclaimer on sarcasm.




Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:42am

I miss life everytime I try to convince someone to think like me.
Variety is the spice of life, and I offered another option to the OP. If something that I said stands out to her because she finds it helpful then that's fine, but if not then it is just as fine. No sweat off either of our backs.



Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 1:40pm
Derri, what do you suggest to help a woman in a situation like the OP's friend?
It's hard to help someone who doesn't want be helped or doesn't seem anything wrong with their situation.


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 4:29pm
sexyandfamous, I have a very close friend who is basically my sister; we've been through so much together.
She met someone who right from the start I could tell was all about mind games. I mean this person was everything a manipulative, destructive and toxic person could be. This person did not like me very much, but I was their target first, but they failed to manipulate me. I peeped the game very early and I don't have the right personality type. This person is the type to carry around The Art of Seduction with them.

Longggggggg painful story short, my friend ended up in a three yr romantic relationship with this person. Our friendship grew and was wonderful because my friend is a very loving and kind person, but I was so sick of her calling me crying her eyes out. For example, I remember like it was yesterday, it was a beautiful summer day and they went out at the park with friends. I too went out that day to enjoy the weather, and she calls me like she is having a heart attack. Her SO tells her she is fat and getting ugly. Mind you, my friend is slim and sexy. The tactic was to break her self esteem and such, you know? This went on for the entire relationship. The person did have some seemingly attractive qualities like a very compelling personality, a social butterfly, just a straight charmer...and arguably one of the most popular young people in my city today!

Anyhow, one night she called me with the usual sob story. No matter how much good advice I gave her, my shoulder, my blouse to wipe her tears, she still stuck around in this relationship. I was fed up that night, I told her that if she wants to be this person's wet rag that they mop up the floor with then it is her choice, but I was through hearing about it!

I didn't know it at the time (because I was too in my own feelings to notice) that this hurt my friend deeply. I was very unconscious back then about just how my words and actions affect the people around me. I figured, she's just my friend and knows that I'm the tough love kind of chic, you know?

She rarely mentioned the abusive relationship after that, and she still went on being an amazing sister-friend to me. And I did love her deeply, I just was more of the victim than she, apparently.
She was still being hurt in this relationship, only now she had no one to tell. Her family was VERY against this relationship and pretty much said, do you boo, and she couldn't tell anyone else all of the details of this relationship due to other complicated reasons.

I regret the cold way I spoke to her about her relationship. We've talked about it and she jokes that I could be such a jackass. Well, I was. I've grown a lot since. I am way more sensitive to other peoples' pain, as I've had lots of my own since.

If I could rewind time and live that night over again, I'd be honest with my friend. I'd tell her that her pain hurts me so deeply. That I hate that she is wasting her time with such a POS while we could be enjoying our youth, or meeting someone truly special, but that I know pain and learning oftentimes go hand in hand. That I recognize and understand that she needs to experience life on her terms, do things her way, even if it may be a choice she regrets. It's her choice and I know how much she likes to exercise her freedom to choose, and that freedom of choice is the gift of life! I should never try to impose on someone's freedom to choose a certain experience for them.

What I've learned over the years is that freedom to choose is imperative for life. Especially her and I, we HATE being controlled. In hindsight, perhaps the more people told her to leave that relationship is the more she held on partially because she was being told what to do. (We were teens and younger adults at the time so this is important to note. However, many people struggle with this issue well into adulthood due to unresolved childhood issues etc.)

Well anyhow, she continued that relationship (and I continued to SMH every time she mentioned it in passing that they went here or there, or when I saw them together) and it was so awkward in person when I bumped into them because we were really close, while her SO would say things like ' I really don't like that chic, Derri'

One day, she told me she left the relationship. That she'd had enough and didn't want it anymore because it is not good for her.  That moment, a light bulb went off for me. This chic just didn't WANT to. That became a theme in my life ever since. More and more, I realized that everyone does what they want to do. People rarely do the things they do not want to do because seeking pleasure is a big part of the society we live in.
 I have to make a conscious effort to do the things that are necessary but bring me zero pleasure. That's the major problem, I've found. We are attached to pleasure. We seek our identity in pleasure, even.

Anyhow, it was that simple. When she wanted to leave she left. Many things cause people to want change. It usually happens when the pleasure no longer outweighs the pain, and for everyone this threshold is different. People think differently, and that is what makes the world go round.

I was there when my friend was ready to move on. I was the first one inviting her out to celebrate HER choices, HER  freedom--not mine. This was HER emancipation.

(I've since had my own and of course, like a true friend, she was right there with me, cheering me on!!!)

That situation brought us even closer. I saw her at her worst, and got to witness someone rise from the ashes and say, yo! I'm in this life and I want to experience something else! I saw her transform. I saw her come out of her awkward teens and into the confident and beautiful woman she is today. My sister, my friend.

We look back on that situation sometimes and we say, yo that was a dark time for everyone. Then we have a toast to growth and to life. The truth is, that relationship was the catalyst for her personal development and love for herself. It forced her to face some issues she probably was not even aware she had, and most importantly, it set in motion the life she has and person she is now. Which is just awesome.

But that is to be expected (in hindsight). Life gives us circumstances where we get a chance to either develop our weakness and turn them into strengths, or to use our gifts and talents to serve others.


(Every situation is not the same. If my friend was being physically abused I'd never have sat back and said nothing after a while.

But it was more emotional and verbal abuse that I essentially could not do much about. )

All I can say is, no man is an island. I'm happy that I never abandoned my friend, though I said some jerk things to her when I was too in my feelings about HER experiences.

Anyhow, I didn't judge too much. I tried not to anyway. And We've got each others back no matter what! That's my roadie and I could never throw a real friend and sister away.






Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 8:38am
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

sexyandfamous,




If I could rewind time and live that night over again, I'd be honest with my friend. I'd tell her that her pain hurts me so deeply. That I hate that she is wasting her time with such a POS while we could be enjoying our youth, or meeting someone truly special, but that I know pain and learning oftentimes go hand in hand. That I recognize and understand that she needs to experience life on her terms, do things her way, even if it may be a choice she regrets. It's her choice and I know how much she likes to exercise her freedom to choose, and that freedom of choice is the gift of life! I should never try to impose on someone's freedom to choose a certain experience for them.

What I've learned over the years is that freedom to choose is imperative for life. Especially her and I, we HATE being controlled. In hindsight, perhaps the more people told her to leave that relationship is the more she held on partially because she was being told what to do. (We were teens and younger adults at the time so this is important to note. However, many people struggle with this issue well into adulthood due to unresolved childhood issues etc.)


All I can say is, no man is an island. I'm happy that I never abandoned my friend, though I said some jerk things to her when I was too in my feelings about HER experiences.

Anyhow, I didn't judge too much. I tried not to anyway. And We've got each others back no matter what! That's my roadie and I could never throw a real friend and sister away.





Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.....however I have tried many many times to talk to my friend....but she is in love and blind. In the past I was on her team for a long time, but after awhile (YEARS) you get fed up of listening to this mess, it has become a cycle. I've been by her side this whole time....was her listening ear, advice giver, when she cried I was there to comfort her and made her feel better about her situations. 

UPDATE:!!!!!  I even called her yesterday just to see how she was because we really haven't been talking like that......And she went on bragging about how she told him she's not waiting anymore and he will need to make a decision (which she has said to him numerous times) so he then went on to tell her he is leaving his bm to be with her, he's going to come live with her, and they will get married as soon as he come back..im assuming within the next two weeks. I told her like look, this is a cycle and I asked her what is she going to do when he packs up once again and goes to be with the mother of his children....she said then she'll be done. But i've heard this same story over and over again ain't a damn thing changed. Confused

....SO ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.....I will no longer be there to listen to the BS anymore, NOT ON IT.....SHE'LL HAVE TO GET THRU THIS ON HER OWN, AND IF YOU LOOK AT IT AS I'M BEING MEAN OR I'M NOT A TRUE FRIEND THEN SO BE IT. She is about to be 33 years old, she should know better. I'm not about to hold her hand along the way that woman is grown, she can make her own decisions of course, but not everyone will tolerate the bs or even want to continue to hear about that sad case period. I've heard enough, I have my own problems to deal with. 


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 8:52am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:



The OP says she HAS tried to help her, support her etc .. but nothing works so in the end is dumb or stupid or any terms you want to use but hey, how can it be HER job to help resolve these self-esteem issues that her friend is carrying around?

Everybody’s got to carry their OWN ba ge.

Her friend needs a Therapist ... not someone to tell her .. it’s not her fault – it ‘the system’ that’s caused her to layup with that loser.

STUPID.

ClapClapClapClapClap My point exactly!  Thumbs UpApprove


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 2:45pm
@Derri, your story is touching but GEESH lady I am 58 years old and can tell you MANY, many stories that are exactly the same. This is not unique in fact.

I have tried to tell them the nice way, the funny way, the tearful (I'm scared for you way) ... I've tried every way I know to try .. but in the end I write these foolish women off. Sorry but I can't have these 'damaged goods' type of people in my life. They just bring drama and misery and crazy men that will look for their girlfriend in the middle of the night at MY house thinking I am hiding her. Duh! Gosh friendship should not mean you have to 'carry' your grown friend's ba ge for her.

Nooo some folks just have to fall on their faces and then pull themselves up by their own bootstraps to learn how to deal with men - there's nothing I can tell them or do for them.

Geesh we all have our OWN problems to deal with. That's why I said 'everyone's gotta carry their OWN 'ba ge' in this world'.

@sexy, your friend is delustional if she's happy this guy is gonna move in with her (Why? he can live off her for free) and go running back to the bm whenever he feels like it?

Even if she gets him - what will she have? She will have a man that CHEATS as her man - AKA a dog, but she does not have enough sense to see this. Who would want a CHEATER?

STUPID. She will have to learn the hard way too - just like all the others. Though if she is 33 years old and is still so disparate for a relationship that she will tolerate this arrangement ummm .. I don't hold out much hope for her.


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Apr 26 2014 at 8:23am
Wow...your 58....that explains a lot


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: May 15 2014 at 8:15am
Update!! Update!! Update!!

Okay ladies, I know I should of not even bothered to do an update.....but are you kidding me this has turned into some soap opera mess & it's getting juicy! LOLLOLLOL Shocked

Okay my friend dude has been to her house since Tuesday, so yesterday evening my friend calls me and says, "do you know she (his children's mother that he is currently in a relationship with) is outside of my house in her car parked. I was like are you serious, she then says she was so heated she just up and left, she went to the store to cool off. I said Noooo take your a** back to your house, do not make her think that you are running from her, let alone give her the opportunity to walk up to your home (because her man was inside). Sure enough when she got back the girl was standing on her porch talking with her man, kids father and crying. I heard her while I was on the phone as my friend walked into her house, the girl was begging him and crying "please come home with me, you don't belong here, you belong with your family, please I love you just come with me, you don't belong here with her".

I done heard it all ladies....and I could not believe what I was hearing. I give him thumbs up....HE'S THE MAN!!! And I know his EGO can't be touched right now... SMH shame on my friend. She insist that he is her man, and they are going to get married as soon as possible, but if he went home with her that they were done. The girl end up leaving alone with her kids. 

This is going to become a BIG PROBLEM....I feel as if the girl is not going to give up that easy.

WOW


Posted By: Printer_Ink
Date Posted: May 15 2014 at 9:21am
Well, I can believe it. It's a textbook situation of impedding disaster.

Your friend should WATCH OUT ... though I'll bet she feels she has 'won' because she has no sense in her head ... so she will have to pay the prioe.

Hey, no one knows what's going that woman's head ... she might next show up on her doorstep with a gun talking about - 'that's my man'. Because for her to come BEGGING like that ... means she ain't all there in the self-esteem department either. This guy probably preys on women like this.

You should keep your distance from her too .. otherwise you might drop by her house on THE VERY DAY that this woman decides 'she's not gonna take it anymore' and then you get pulled into it.

I know that seems farfetched but this kind of stuff happens every day .. over some cheatin no good dog ... no less.

Stay clear.


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: May 18 2014 at 12:16am
That is very sad, not only she is delusional, but the mother of his children has no respect for herself and she uses her kids to try to keep him AND she makes her kids witness what a relationship should not be.

With the attention he is getting from both of them, he'll soon be sleeping with another woman.



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