Print Page | Close Window

How to deal with a negative family member

Printed From: Black Hair Media Forum
Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Talk, Talk, and More Talk
Forum Description: In this Forum, the talk is about everything that can be talked about.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=351604
Printed Date: Aug 20 2019 at 3:06am


Topic: How to deal with a negative family member
Posted By: Ladydlite
Subject: How to deal with a negative family member
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 11:50pm
I have a family member that constantly throws past mistakes in my face. We'll have a pleasant conversation, and out of nowhere, this person gets angry and curses me out about something that happened weeks, months or years prior. In the past, I used to cry and/or get angry, but now I remove myself from their vicinity. However, I also put money into the home and cannot afford to move at the time because I am putting another family member through school. Any suggestions? I have tried to forgive this person and be a good Christian, but that doesn't mean I have to take verbal and emotional abuse from anyone.



Replies:
Posted By: FarraFace
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 11:51pm
This person lives in the house with you?

-------------


Posted By: Lady ICE
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 11:54pm
i drop them, just like anyone else. i want a stress/drama free life and anyone messin that up for me is history. you can forgive but you dont have to talk to'em. i just get gone with the quickness.

well thats what i do anyways





-------------


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 11:54pm
I've definitely lived in a toxic environment and depending on the relative, sometimes the best thing to do is to move and cut them out of your life completely. I know that you're currently not in a financial position to do so, but if the environment is that horrible, maybe there's someone else you can stay with in the meantime until you can 100% find a place of your own. 

-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: Gkisses
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 11:55pm
Tell them your tired of their sh!t and to STFU if they dont listen punch em in the throat and walk away without saying another word


-------------


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:00am
Honestly, I'd just stay away from them. If you need to talk to them, go ahead, but let them know it's bothering you.

If they continue, walk away every time they start. Don't even say anything, just turn around and go do something else. You're not an emotional punching bag.

But until then, I wouldn't be starting conversations with them anymore. If they came to me, I'd keep it terse so there's less room for full on conversation.


-------------


Posted By: carolina cutie
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:03am
Tell them it bothers you for them to bring up the past and you are really hurt. Sometimes the person has to hear that they are being a**hole in order to address their behavior. Hopefully they change after that. If not:

Minimize contact and bite the bullet until you can move out. Then you can take a break from them.Hug




*Mean O Post*
OT: Paying for another family member's college? I'd throw that in the abusive family member's face since it sounds like it would hurt the abusive person's pride but that would be mean.Stern Smile


-------------
<--Classy & Educated O.

"You're telling us your beefing with your bf's mother over $1 ice cream like it was blood diamonds." RickyR



Posted By: ShadyLady
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:07am
Have you tried talking to them about the situation? If not, tell them what they're doing is getting on your nerves.

If they don't change it and you can't move, just don't deal with them. Just cuz y'all live together doesn't mean you have to be friendly.

Be home only when you absolutely have to and stay in your room. Cut the convo short when they start talking that foolishness.

Sucks to be uncomfortable in your own home, but better than making a move you can't afford or going to jail for slapping fire outta them (which my gut reaction told me to say ).

Good luck!


Posted By: Ladydlite
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:36am
Yes, this person lives in the house with me.
 
I have told them about their behavior on numerous occasions and we've had nasty fights as a result. They have made vile comments about me and I'm really just done with it and them.
 
I do not pay for their college education but for another member of the family.


Posted By: Cali naps
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:41am
Ignore them as much as you can. Pretend like they don't exist and if the try and taunt you just block them out and keep moving like nothing is happening. Approaching them in anyway seems like asking for a bad reaction.

-------------
"I'll give you an eighth of my mind, go smoke it, now tell all your friends how my thoughts are so potent"-Roach Gigz


Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:46am
Originally posted by Ladydlite Ladydlite wrote:

Yes, this person lives in the house with me.
 
I have told them about their behavior on numerous occasions and we've had nasty fights as a result. They have made vile comments about me and I'm really just done with it and them.
 
I do not pay for their college education but for another member of the family.


Welp! You tried. Operation 3000% Done begins!


-------------


Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 2:46am
Originally posted by Ladydlite Ladydlite wrote:

Yes, this person lives in the house with me.
 
I have told them about their behavior on numerous occasions and we've had nasty fights as a result. They have made vile comments about me and I'm really just done with it and them.
 
I do not pay for their college education but for another member of the family.
 
I agree with modelbusiness8 - cut them out of your life completely. It's the only way.
 
This person is clearly very jealous and resentful of you - probably started years ago when you were just kids - but has grown and grown over the years and that's why every other thing you say causes that over the top reaction.
 
You will absolutely never win in a such a situation. Best to cut her free and leave her to her fate ... or she will continue to hurt you.
 
I have had the same experience .. best thing I ever did was to get these people out of my life - for good. Confused
 
As a matter of fact - I had a good friend that was surrounded by family members that kept cutting her to bits. Yes, told her to cut off these people - but she loved them too much. It made her so sick though, stomach problems, extreme weight gain, loss of hair etc.. and finally .. she passed.
 
It was heart-breaking. DeadDeadDead The sad part is .. this same rotten family took poccession of all her money and her house which was considerable. Shocked 
  
If this person lives with you - give her a 30 written day notice to vacate. Period. No conversation.
It's your flippen house. Shocked


Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 3:02am
put the home on the market

that way they know you mean business even if you dont intend to sell just yet,

-------------
I just can't stand the negro british midget. He brings out the worst in me.....

...
I sometimes think AfroK is gay and either doesn't know it or won't admit to it..


Posted By: khivey
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 4:23am
the person sounds bipolar and hung up on the past. avoid being around when they are...if that means staying away from until they go to bed etc..do it. 

-------------
Hair Type:3c/4a
Hair Length:SBL
“The approval of others often forms an essential part of our capacity to think we are right.”


Posted By: Tbaby
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 4:35am
If I'm paying my money to live in the home, no way am I going to let someone else bully me in my own space.  Put her on ignore when she starts some foolishness and walk away. 

And seriously, if your mental health is threatened, then possibly you have to let the family member you are supporting take a semester break while you resettle somewhere else.   


-------------
Everyone has a role in life. We all can't be CEO's somebody gotta take the orders at Mickey D's & the KFC's -Jewelsync


Posted By: HowardAlumAKA
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 6:38am
Is this a husband? Leave him


Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 6:42am
my response depends on how ratchet you were in the past and exactly they keep bringing up. 


Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 7:14am
Originally posted by bunzaveli bunzaveli wrote:

my response depends on how ratchet you were in the past and exactly they keep bringing up. 



-------------
I just can't stand the negro british midget. He brings out the worst in me.....

...
I sometimes think AfroK is gay and either doesn't know it or won't admit to it..


Posted By: Organic
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 8:36am
OP, your family member sounds annoying and hateful.

This is one of those situations where you really have to be comfortable in your own skin. By that, I mean that you have to change your mind since you can't change your location. You have to figure out a way to not let their words affect you. Like others have mentioned, do not be afraid to remove yourself from all forms of communication, and be COMFORTABLE and CONVICTED in doing so. Realize that the household may be tense for a while, but it is for your own good (and it really is already tense, so it's not like you're missing out on anything)

Tell them straight up, 'don't talk to me, and I will not talk to you. Ignore me, and I will ignore you', go to your room, turn on your favorite song, and don't give a single 'eff' afterwards.

If you can't escape your physical prison, free your mind so that you can cope. 

Oh, and lots of times people bring up a hurtful past because they see that you are progressing and doing good things, so they want to 'remind' you that 'you really ain't all that'. This is usually the case when you grow and develop, and they do not. You must be doing something right since this person is so hell-bent on hurting you and reminding you of how 'bad' you used to be.

Keep on keepin' on, OP. Good luck!


-------------
Cut from full hip to full waist
Maxi Glide with coconut oil
Pin curls
VOILA!


Posted By: Chyna_Li
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 8:38am
can u put that chick out
sounds like enough talking was done
family or friend idc, when I feel you are only a negative contributor to my life then i cut u completely off
i refuse to feel uncomfortable in my own home


Posted By: Organic
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 8:41am
OP, I just read your other thread (after having read this one). I knew you were doing somethig great with your life. IGNORE that family member. You are on a fast track to doing great things with your education and career. Focus on the GOOD YOU, and not on whatever may have happened (and being so frequently rehashed to you) in the past. You have grown up and moved on.

Good luck in your PhD program!


-------------
Cut from full hip to full waist
Maxi Glide with coconut oil
Pin curls
VOILA!


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 11:03am
[QUOTE=Lady ICE]
i drop them, just like anyone else. i want a stress/drama free life and anyone messin that up for me is history. you can forgive but you dont have to talk to'em. i just get gone with the quickness.

well thats what i do anyways






[/QUOTE

yes. i dont have a problem cutting toxic people out of my life. i refuse to be around that type of atmosphere if i can help it.


Posted By: goodm3
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 11:20am
Originally posted by Organic Organic wrote:

OP, I just read your other thread (after having read this one). I knew you were doing somethig great with your life. IGNORE that family member. You are on a fast track to doing great things with your education and career. Focus on the GOOD YOU, and not on whatever may have happened (and being so frequently rehashed to you) in the past. You have grown up and moved on.

Good luck in your PhD program!

i agree. 

OP if you can, distance yourself from toxic ppl 


Posted By: tatee
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 11:28am
so this person has you living in a house of horror and your putting money over your emotional well being?  youre situation will change when you do, when youve decided youve had enough.  you cant really sit around waiting for someone to respect you and its certainly nothing you ask for.  respect is something that should be demanded, it requires action, and a love of self, something you may not be ready for. 


Posted By: babelipsss
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 11:32am
OP, you are focused on the wrong point.  Yes, she is negative, but you are allowing it to affect your life.  You will always find plenty of negative people.  Nothing you can do about that, but you need to harden up some and never allow someone to get the best of you.  Never volunteer to be someone's doormat.Hug


Posted By: Ladydlite
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:16pm
I do not own the home. It's my parents' house and yes, I am leaving as soon as I have saved up enough money. I've just started one job and I am about to interview for another. I am doing the best that I can.


Posted By: FarraFace
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:29pm
Which one of your parents is it? Why aren't they paying whoever's schooling costs?

I don't need those questions answered to tell you though, it's too damn many
grown folks in that house. You need to move out, and soon.

Get a roommate if you have to. Keep your past / present business to yourself.  

-------------


Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 12:59pm
Originally posted by Ladydlite Ladydlite wrote:

I do not own the home. It's my parents' house and yes, I am leaving as soon as I have saved up enough money. I've just started one job and I am about to interview for another. I am doing the best that I can.
 
Good. Keep your head up and work toward your goals - stay away from her as much as possible. Do not come into conflict with her or get into any sort of confrontation.
 
When your money is right - rent a place, get it set up and then pack your stuff and get the heck out of there. Don't look back.
 
Go on with your life.


Posted By: bunzaveli
Date Posted: Dec 04 2012 at 7:12am
im just waiting for this person to read the op's post, make an account and turn this thread messy



Print Page | Close Window