Print Page | Close Window

Does anyone feel that People who look a certain

Printed From: Black Hair Media Forum
Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Talk, Talk, and More Talk
Forum Description: In this Forum, the talk is about everything that can be talked about.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=351451
Printed Date: May 23 2018 at 9:05pm


Topic: Does anyone feel that People who look a certain
Posted By: discreet.
Subject: Does anyone feel that People who look a certain
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:42pm
.. "..way get treated better?" 

I find beauty in almost any and everything because beauty comes in many different ways, whether by style, shapes, ideas, shades, or looks.. But I'm just kind of going through "it." with a few things.

I'm a darker skinned girl who does not look "racially ambiguous" or what people would think of as "mixed" and I just would kind of like insight to this, or just to know if anyone understands? 
I don't have big curly ringlets, and I don't have features that are as "beautiful" to most as say girls like these http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdnvaxPgiN1qj8quko1_500.png http://a3.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/55/4c2a876a5bbca0a0ae347fef2f1d9011/l.jpg (Who I'm sure may be nice people as well, or have nice personalities, not sure as I don't know them!)

I have been treated differently, because of my looks. Until this day I get treated poorly for how I look most times in comparison to my friends who have similar features to women like those models. (Which is ultimately okay because nobody asks for it) But I also feel like people have this mentality of "light skin, curly hair, i want them," which is preference but I don't understand fully understand what makes that more beautiful than any other type of female? I've also noticed situations where in having this sort of look will make people often nicer to you or automatically more accepting of you. Regardless of your depth as a person, or how nice you are even. As a young woman, only 20, it hurts when men don't talk to me because I don't have this sort of look, or unlike my friends I'm not a racially ambiguous looking black girl who gets "what're you? what are you mixed with?" As if it makes one better. They have the "look" therefore to most they're already just too perfect for words. (Regardless of their personalities)

Now to this.. Many people who have told me what they like about me, often say my personality. Which I appreciate, because although I'm not as beautiful physically to most people as women like the one's pictured, someone finds my mind beautiful. Someone I know calls me their Nina Simone. And I find that so amazing because Nina was so powerful, that was a beauty in the flesh. She may not have been "pretty" to most, but I think she was a lovely soul. I told someone that and they said she was so "not attractive.." So the parallel lays there. 

It's a two sided stick, where it's more important to have beautiful inside, but on the other side, you get chances when you are the standard of beauty/physically beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and women are all beautiful creatures regardless of their unique look(s), but why is this look more beautiful than any other? I mean people don't even have to have "amazing features" all that someone needs now to be considered as nice looking is curly hair and lighter skin. So I am drawn to ask this..

Do you (person reading) feel that people who look a certain way get treated better?

Has anyone else ever experienced this?





Replies:
Posted By: solo
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:45pm
Umm...yes. Absolutely, without a doubt. It's a fact.

-------------
- solo


Posted By: _ConcreteRose_
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:49pm
of course, there are studies that prove this.

I think your lack of confidence might also be getting in the way. When you carry yourself with confidence, people are more likely to be pulled to you. You have to personally believe that you are the prettiest, who cares what everyone else things.




Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:49pm
I appreciate you being honest.

Because I think so too, but I like to know others thoughts on this. I was once recently called a "Jealous ugly dark girl", and I'm not jealous of women who look that way. I do believe however that if I looked like that I'd have a lot of things easier and people would be more accepting of me, due to my experiences with friends, my older sister, cousins, and so forth.


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:50pm
no i dont


Posted By: solo
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:50pm
Reading over this kind of made me sad. Looks are something we all worry about because it's the first thing people see when they look at us. They don't know if we're smart, funny, saved orphans from burning buildings, rapists. murders etc. But they look at our faces and form opinions about us based on how we look.

The bad thing is you can't change that. And the good thing is, you can't change that. You're 20...it will get better. As you get older you will grow more comfortable in yourself and learn that there are way more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or nice hair.


-------------
- solo


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:51pm
Yes this is definitely true and has been documented. But it goes beyond light vs dark. If you're obese you're going to be treated different than your smaller counterparts. If you aren't considered the typical "attractive" you're going to be treated differently as well. Definitely not fair but a reality. For a lot of society, they feel that someone being considered unattractive or not being the ideal makes them fair play to be marginalized/disrespected. And I know that from first hand experience.

Growing up I had awkward features and got teased/bullied A LOT for that as well as ignored/marginalized. To make friends I had to be twice as nice as my counterparts and to get any attention, it was mainly because I was an exceptional student. Somewhere between HS and colleged the awkward features turned into features that were good for modeling and now (not to sound conceited) guys trip over themselves to talk to me. But those are the same skanks who would have teased and straight up said disrespectful ish to my face.

So, I tend to prefer to choose my friends and SOs based on their deeds than just pure looks alone.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:52pm
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont

Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:54pm
Originally posted by _ConcreteRose_ _ConcreteRose_ wrote:

of course, there are studies that prove this.

I think your lack of confidence might also be getting in the way. When you carry yourself with confidence, people are more likely to be pulled to you. You have to personally believe that you are the prettiest, who cares what everyone else things.




I totally agree with the above, although I can also completely acknowledge that it's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy thing. If you spend every day getting put down, after a while, it can be very easy to internalize it and accept it as fact rather than just the opinion of the peanut gallery. It takes a lot of will power (speaking from personal opinion experience) to reverse the type of psychological damage that this type of bullying can do. Ouch


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:55pm
Originally posted by solo solo wrote:

Reading over this kind of made me sad. Looks are something we all worry about because it's the first thing people see when they look at us. They don't know if we're smart, funny, saved orphans from burning buildings, rapists. murders etc. But they look at our faces and form opinions about us based on how we look.

The bad thing is you can't change that. And the good thing is, you can't change that. You're 20...it will get better. As you get older you will grow more comfortable in yourself and learn that there are way more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or nice hair.

Oh absolutely. I would say I'm not the most confident young woman in the world, but I do for sure believe there are more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or certain type of hair. 

I just wonder and sometimes digress in these things because I know growing up and even now a lot of times it hurts me in the back of my mind that people have an outlook this way. It's ultimately okay, because they are beautiful women regardless, and maybe even lovely people. But I just like to know why is that the only beauty people see?

What about that makes someone more deserving of anyone else? It's just the questions that have lingered through my head while growing up and now a lot is all. 


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:59pm
Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont


Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


i dont think people treat lighter skin curly haired exotic or whatever you wanna call them better in everyday situations. i think maybe moreso in the entertainment industry but not at regular places of employment, school etc. i actually think that people who look like this (less black) are more likely to be treated badly by other black people who dont fit that" look"

hope that made sense im on my phone


Posted By: solo
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:59pm
Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:

Originally posted by solo solo wrote:

Reading over this kind of made me sad. Looks are something we all worry about because it's the first thing people see when they look at us. They don't know if we're smart, funny, saved orphans from burning buildings, rapists. murders etc. But they look at our faces and form opinions about us based on how we look.

The bad thing is you can't change that. And the good thing is, you can't change that. You're 20...it will get better. As you get older you will grow more comfortable in yourself and learn that there are way more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or nice hair.

Oh absolutely. I would say I'm not the most confident young woman in the world, but I do for sure believe there are more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or certain type of hair. 

I just wonder and sometimes digress in these things because I know growing up and even now a lot of times it hurts me in the back of my mind that people have an outlook this way. It's ultimately okay, because they are beautiful women regardless, and maybe even lovely people. But I just like to know why is that the only beauty people see?

What about that makes someone more deserving of anyone else? It's just the questions that have lingered through my head while growing up and now a lot is all. 


Just know that everyone at some point has felt the way you do in some way. "The people highest up have the lowest self esteem."

You're probably more attractive than you think. And like someone said..confidence is everything. I know plenty of girls who are far from 'traditionally pretty' but are so attractive because of their confidence and personalities.

Just always remember how blessed you are to be alive and healthy.


-------------
- solo


Posted By: solo
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:00pm
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont


Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


i dont think people treat lighter skin curly haired exotic or whatever you wanna call them better in everyday situations. i think maybe moreso in the entertainment industry but not at regular places of employment, school etc. i actually think that people who look like this (less black) are more likely to be treated badly by other black people who dont fit that" look"

hope that made sense im on my phone


It must be fun to be in lala land


-------------
- solo


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:00pm
I feel that looking at pretty people makes people feel good

I wouldn't be surprised if it, literally, released endorphins in the brains of the person viewing someone beautiful

Naturally, we want to reward that person that makes us "feel good" so we treat them nicer

I don't think it's fair, necessarily but it is what it is. I try my best to treat everyone the same right out the gate but sometimes, i just can't help gravitating toward people whose looks and personalities appeal to me


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:01pm
Originally posted by solo solo wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont


Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


i dont think people treat lighter skin curly haired exotic or whatever you wanna call them better in everyday situations. i think maybe moreso in the entertainment industry but not at regular places of employment, school etc. i actually think that people who look like this (less black) are more likely to be treated badly by other black people who dont fit that" look"

hope that made sense im on my phone



It must be fun to be in lala land


is that where you live??


Posted By: Lite Brite
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:02pm
OP Hug.. Although the situation sucks, I like your view on it. I think your feelings on it were well put. 


Posted By: used2braid
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:02pm
 think its a fact of life that the outside appearance gets you further in life.

HOWEVER..
You gotta work with what you got. They're are lots of women who don't have "that look" (lightskinned, curly long hair etc...) and who still rock what they got.

 Look on youtube; yes, there are the "gurus" that have light skin and delicate features and who are AUTOMATICALLY looked at as "pretty" because they have the look of someone who is biracial (hair, coloured eyes, pointier nose etc...)


 but then they're are other ones who are dark skinned and un-mixed looking who know how to work with their hair, skin, features etc...and who look GORGEOUS

http://www.youtube.com/channel/SWQKnsUJ4CTRA" rel="nofollow - http://www.youtube.com/channel/SWQKnsUJ4CTRA
http://www.youtube.com/user/peakmill" rel="nofollow - http://www.youtube.com/user/peakmill
http://www.youtube.com/user/twinkeez2003" rel="nofollow - http://www.youtube.com/user/twinkeez2003


So maybe take a good look in the mirror and see what styles suit YOU. What will compliment your complexion, your body shape, your face shape allll the wonderful things that GOD gave you and do your own THANG. 

Life is like a mini-hollywood...if you get caught up on comparing yourself to other girls, you're just going to get frustrated and tired of trying to please and look or be "that girl" that everyone talks about. And you're just going to go down both physically, mentally emotionally..self-confidencely...lol

Just make your own signature "look" and rock what you got!

I used to try soo hard to be like everyone else...now I just do my own thing and I find that I NEVER find myself comparing myself to other girls or their styles or the kind of attention they get because I can only do me.

Oh, and remember, at the end of the day...looks get attention but personality get the heart;) So work on your personality and work on making your looks match what seems to be a good soul.

I just struggled so hard with self esteem because I grew up in town of ONLY white people so it was really hard growing up and wondering why I didn't look a certain way...



-------------


Posted By: ImThatDiva
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:03pm
Originally posted by solo solo wrote:

Umm...yes. Absolutely, without a doubt. It's a fact.

THis. There are studies that proved this to be true.

-------------
Mrs.ImThatModdlessDiva
TWERKIN' MY WAY DOWNTOWN
CARS DRIVE PAST
DRIVERS CRASH AND I'M LOWDOWN
-Midna


Posted By: Lite Brite
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:04pm
Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

I feel that looking at pretty people makes people feel good

I wouldn't be surprised if it, literally, released endorphins in the brains of the person viewing someone beautiful

Naturally, we want to reward that person that makes us "feel good" so we treat them nicer

I don't think it's fair, necessarily but it is what it is. I try my best to treat everyone the same right out the gate but sometimes, i just can't help gravitating toward people whose looks and personalities appeal to me


Thumbs UpCry


Posted By: _ConcreteRose_
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:12pm
PetiteOne

ever heard of skintone stratification? I think you should research it a bit, you are in for a surprise.


Posted By: 305bgirl
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:15pm
I f*ckz with ugly people; they seem to have the most drive. Oh but about the OP definitely.


Posted By: petiteone29
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:20pm
Originally posted by _ConcreteRose_ _ConcreteRose_ wrote:

PetiteOne

ever heard of skintone stratification? I think you should research it a bit, you are in for a surprise.


no i havent but i will definitely look into it.


Posted By: mangachan
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:23pm
People who are attractive are perceived and treated differently but that goes beyond "light skin dark skinned." Alot of it does have to do with how you present yourself.  I was perceived differently when I was younger (wore jeans, t-shirts and dirty sneaker) than I do now.  Still the same complexion...other things have changed inside and out.

Accept the things you can't change and change the things you can't accept.


Posted By: noneyons
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:24pm
sometimes the exotic chics are treated just as mean unfairly. 

eta: not to trivialize your experience. just something to think about


-------------
As a species,human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from.
-Agent Smith


Posted By: EPITOME
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:26pm
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont


Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


i dont think people treat lighter skin curly haired exotic or whatever you wanna call them better in everyday situations. i think maybe moreso in the entertainment industry but not at regular places of employment, school etc. i actually think that people who look like this (less black) are more likely to be treated badly by other black people who dont fit that" look"

hope that made sense im on my phone

I will disagree.  We had interviews for law firms last year.  One classmate is light/medium and has long hair is an attractive girl.  She said when she interviewed with one firm the man barely looked at her resume and just said "omg you are so pretty." The woman in the room, who was also a soror said in response of course she is and tried to gear the conversation BACK to her resume and the older man just said 'yes, yes, she is qualified." and just started talking to her about her.

she got a callback interview.


-------------
I'm from The Wishanicca Woods boo-Dreamz

If you are or have ever been a member of BHM, you are inherently a hoodrat.B


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:27pm
Originally posted by Lite Brite Lite Brite wrote:

OP Hug.. Although the situation sucks, I like your view on it. I think your feelings on it were well put. 

Many hugs and lots of love to you! 

Embarrassed 

I was hoping I didn't come across as insulting towards women who have this look, because they are human and have feelings like those who don't, like me! :) Regardless of how much "easier" I feel women who have these certain features have things in comparison to me, I know they didn't ask for it all. It's just genetics. Some people play up on it, some people don't play down. It's just important to be who you are, truly I think? Smile

I really appreciate your input and everyone else's because this has been bothering me for a long time and I had a bad breaking point recently and still am going through it. But one day it'll all make sense, I hope. 


Posted By: bk2la981
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:28pm
I do believe that better looking people definitely do get treated better, but being light skinned and having curly hair does not automatically make you pretty. kelly rowland looks are prettier than most light skinned girls. I'm pretty sure that those looks get preferential treatment over light skinned chicks with big curly hair the only one that comes to mind is beyonce our jewelz santanas chick. Beyonce was the star because her father was running the show. Fyi Ive always thought mama knowles looks like a monster, light skinned and big hair and all.


Posted By: Hello! Tsuki
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:28pm
Originally posted by mangachan mangachan wrote:

People who are attractive are perceived and treated differently but that goes beyond "light skin dark skinned." Alot of it does have to do with how you present yourself.  I was perceived differently when I was younger (wore jeans, t-shirts and dirty sneaker) than I do now.  Still the same complexion...other things have changed inside and out.

Accept the things you can't change and change the things you can't accept.
IA. OP how do you present yourself? How do your friends present themselves?


Posted By: nala52808
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:32pm
I knew I wasn't the most prettiful person in school. But I never got depressed about it. It is what is, you know? As a result, I created my own crazy personality that drew people to me. I honestly think that if I was drop dead gorgeous, I'd be so used to people coming to me, that my personality/self esteem would be underdeveloped, because I never had to put in work.
Also, I'd like to say that there are good things about being ugly. For example, your facial expressions are always funnier. Check out Emmanuel Hudson if you think I'm lying.


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:37pm
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont


Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


i dont think people treat lighter skin curly haired exotic or whatever you wanna call them better in everyday situations. i think maybe moreso in the entertainment industry but not at regular places of employment, school etc. i actually think that people who look like this (less black) are more likely to be treated badly by other black people who dont fit that" look"

hope that made sense im on my phone

You made sense! No worries. I disagree due to what I've experienced and seen but I definitely think you make sense. Smile Thanks for sharing this. I really love understanding people who don't agree with me because I can see where you're coming from clearly. 

I do understand the whole, women who look like this get ostracized by women who don't thing, because I know sometimes others will form misconceptions about women who look like this automatically being bourgeois(Forgive me, I mean boojie, I just wanted to try spelling it out as my spell check doesn't work. LOL So it may not even be spelled that way.~)  or thinking they're better than others. 

But I definitely feel they, women who look like this, are not more prone to being treated badly as women who don't have this look. I've seen my friends, who I love and adore as people, get away with certain things/doing certain things that are elementary and "normal" and people will praise them in extravagant ways professing their love for them in Shakespearean form. Basically like "Oh my dear heavenly lady! You are the sunshine of life. You are the archetype of a woman, not even a tree is as mesmerizing as you." They, my friends/women who look this way often get away with doing things that any other person would do, if able,  and get deemed as extraordinary just based on basic everyday activities/thoughts/lifestyle choices. (Which they very may well be depending on the person and who they are inside Embarrassed)




Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:38pm
Originally posted by nala52808 nala52808 wrote:

I knew I wasn't the most prettiful person in school. But I never got depressed about it. It is what is, you know? As a result, I created my own crazy personality that drew people to me. I honestly think that if I was drop dead gorgeous, I'd be so used to people coming to me, that my personality/self esteem would be underdeveloped, because I never had to put in work.
Also, I'd like to say that there are good things about being ugly. For example, your facial expressions are always funnier. Check out Emmanuel Hudson if you think I'm lying.


Stern Smile

This only seems to solidify what OP is saying. In order to compensate for what you think might be missing physically, you're forcing yourself to be super animated/out of the box in order to attract friends who maybe might otherwise bypass you if you acted "regular".

And IMO, men get away with not being 100% attractive way easier than women. A woman who's considered unattractive is going to be treated much harsher than a guy who isn't passing the cut for hottie of the year. 



-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: noneyons
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:41pm
pretty is overrated

-------------
As a species,human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from.
-Agent Smith


Posted By: nala52808
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:45pm
Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:


Originally posted by nala52808 nala52808 wrote:

I knew I wasn't the most prettiful person in school. But I never got depressed about it. It is what is, you know? As a result, I created my own crazy personality that drew people to me. I honestly think that if I was drop dead gorgeous, I'd be so used to people coming to me, that my personality/self esteem would be underdeveloped, because I never had to put in work.
Also, I'd like to say that there are good things about being ugly. For example, your facial expressions are always funnier. Check out Emmanuel Hudson if you think I'm lying.


Stern Smile

This only seems to solidify what OP is saying. In order to compensate for what you think might be missing physically, you're forcing yourself to be super animated/out of the box in order to attract friends who maybe might otherwise bypass you if you acted "regular".

And IMO, men get away with not being 100% attractive way easier than women. A woman who's considered unattractive is going to be treated much harsher than a guy who isn't passing the cut for hottie of the year. 


I don't even know what's goin on in here mayne. I just looked at the title and started typing. Didn't read a word of what the op wrote. So imma just leave now, and y'all can act like I was never here, OK?


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:46pm
Originally posted by Hello! Tsuki Hello! Tsuki wrote:

Originally posted by mangachan mangachan wrote:

People who are attractive are perceived and treated differently but that goes beyond "light skin dark skinned." Alot of it does have to do with how you present yourself.  I was perceived differently when I was younger (wore jeans, t-shirts and dirty sneaker) than I do now.  Still the same complexion...other things have changed inside and out.

Accept the things you can't change and change the things you can't accept.
IA. OP how do you present yourself? How do your friends present themselves?

I present myself as myself. No pretense. I'm just a person who is trying to pursue their dreams as anyone else. That's a great question to ask me though. Embarrassed If you mean in a physical sense, I'm not trendy, although I like clothes and stuff like that I don't so much care about being a fashionista sort of dresser although I like fashion and clothes! I am quite ugly, to most people so most say my beauty is my personality. I carry myself like a person, I believe. It's a really great question because I don't know how to answer this, and I'm trying to find the words, so please bear with me. I usually wear a hat, just a beanie. Same one. My friends do their make-up, do their hair, do regular things most young women do. They dress and impress, they are trendy. They dress like American Apparel models and young people. As they should, they're lovely. That's what they like, so that's how they present themselves. But even when they don't wear these things they are still beautiful girls. And to most people it still doesn't matter because they have this look.


My friends are quite pretty in general, physically. They have "curvy and svelte" bodies and come across as the whole "package" to most people because they are nice and also have this look. 

I don't think we can be compared in similarity physically because I'm opposite in that way. I'm quite a sad individual some days but I love positive vibes and try my best to find faith and peace inside, so that's how I present myself. Just as myself. I suppose being myself isn't "beautiful" however to most people. 


Posted By: bk2la981
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:46pm
I'm light skinned but I don't have big curly hair. My hair is usually in a bun actually. I do get preferential treatment sometimes and people (men) have blatantly said it. ” always happy to help out a pretty girl” then to show them how superficial they are being, I then sometimes ask what about ask ugly one? They sometimes feel dumb. I don't think this has to do with me being l.s., just pretty. As a ” pretty” girl, I'm very thankful for my looks, and I'm very nice to all people. Im funny (I wasn't always pretty, I was the ugly duckling in hs, so I had to compensate), im smart, kind...Fyi white women or fat women do not give me preferential treatment at all.


Posted By: teendiva
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:53pm
Originally posted by solo solo wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

no i dont


Can you elaborate as to why you feel that way? I'm really interested in an opposite opinion/outlook! Smile


i dont think people treat lighter skin curly haired exotic or whatever you wanna call them better in everyday situations. i think maybe moreso in the entertainment industry but not at regular places of employment, school etc. i actually think that people who look like this (less black) are more likely to be treated badly by other black people who dont fit that" look"

hope that made sense im on my phone



It must be fun to be in lala land

I'm hopping on the next flight.

-------------
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment.
-My dude Emerson


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:53pm
Originally posted by nala52808 nala52808 wrote:

I knew I wasn't the most prettiful person in school. But I never got depressed about it. It is what is, you know? As a result, I created my own crazy personality that drew people to me. I honestly think that if I was drop dead gorgeous, I'd be so used to people coming to me, that my personality/self esteem would be underdeveloped, because I never had to put in work.
Also, I'd like to say that there are good things about being ugly. For example, your facial expressions are always funnier. Check out Emmanuel Hudson if you think I'm lying.

LOL Prettiful ~

You do seem funny, and i think that's lovely, because laughing is just amazing. I understand what you mean about being gorgeous (although you may just very well be in spirit or in some way) and having people tell you that all the time. I know my friends get mad when I write things like, "My friends do not understand" but the truth is that they get mad because they believe and have gone through certain scenarios which are similar. (Being called ugly) And I had one of my friends say that I was belittling their accomplishment of confidence over the years. In other words, "She put in the work." And although I would never belittle someone's accomplishment of confidence and self acceptance, she was wrong. Then, she understood and apologized. 

She doesn't know what it's like from this end, because it will not stop for me, and doesn't always stop for many women like me. 




Posted By: BoutThatLife
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:55pm
Hug

Sadly everything you said rings true in society.  If you are the brown/black one hanging around nothing but light & mixed girls then I completely get that you are treated this way.  While you may have your own unique beauty, the people you're around are drawing those who are struck by their brand of beauty but when they get around you they're dismissive of yours.  Have you considered branching out? Hanging with other dark skinned black girls?  Sometimes it's best to clique up with women who are similar to you so there's none of that exclusion or hurt feelings.  There is definetely a difference in the way we are treated based on skin color.  IT's the same reason why people (men and women alike) will fawn over Kim K but look down on a similar black woman. Why a woman of Amber Rose's rep can get wifed and be seen as a trophy but a black woman doing the same is in the gutter of a hole in the wall strip club some where

When I was growing up people (boys, other girls, even adults) were a lot kinder and more accepting to the lighter and mixed girls.  It was rare for a dark skinned black girl to be fawned after and seen as gf material and not just sexual. Certain looks get fawned over and valued more even though logically we know that they arent better, they just get that hype.  Everyone unconsciously noticed it, but the girls who did say something about it were instantly labeled bitter, jealous, negative, and haters.  It was like you were just supposed to accept "your place" in the background and not to question it.



Also I wanna know, what's your swag normally like?  If you are considering trying to fit in, I understand that and wont knock you for it.  We live in a highly visual society and in your 20s you wanna fit that mold and be considered top level. No one wants to feel like chopped liver.  Some women gonna try to make you feel like you're wrong for that, but most women do want to attract a high number of men and be sought after. Who doesnt want that feeling?

You may want to consider tweaking things a little bit.  If you dont have one already, consider a very good weave. Like how Aaliyah's hair used to be, that long thick full natural look.  You'll have the edge of having the hair that's most fawned after in society.  If you are not racially ambiguous and you want to fit the mainstream more, I wouldnt suggest being natural if your hair is coarser than a 3c at the most unless it is very long (mid back). 

Wear makeup. Not a lot, dont do that tacky hood girl sh*t, just a light natural app. You can play with colors on your eyes and lips as long as you use quality brands but you never want to look cheap. We as black women cant afford to half step, we cant look cheap and skimp otherwise it gives off a low class low value vibe.

Dress cute, trendy yet sexy. a HINT of sexy, not too much.  I've seen a lot of dark girls make this mistake and be penalized for it (unlike the lighter girls).  If you got nice assets and really try to flaunt it to make up for the color bias, you will be seen as a sex symbol not the wife.  But you dont want to go too far on the other end and look like a lame or grandma because you too scared to be cute.  You know dress whats hot for your body shape, type and social group

Keep your weight down. Dont get any bigger than a "thick" and not a Deelishus booty thick because then you wont be taken seriously, you'll just be seen as a walking ass. Actually your best bet is to be in shape, be the size that you're healthy and confident at. dont worry about having curves just dont be trying to pump your ass up (not that u would just saying girls like that get treated like hoes off the rip)

You can either adjust and work with your looks to be as society beautiful as you can, or you can just accept it but know that when a 1/2 breed is around you're gonna be in the shadows.  For some women, they will be like "Well I dont give a damn" but when you're in your 20s just coming out of your teens I certainly cant pretend like thats not something you're not allowed to want to


-------------
I AM THE AUTHOR OF MY OWN SCRIPT AND I PLAY BY MY RULES.

POSITIVITY + LOVE AND ALL GOOD THINGS SURROUND ME


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:55pm
Originally posted by noneyons noneyons wrote:

pretty is overrated

i agree with you. pretty is just a look to most. but sadly it gets rated over and over, that one word! but nevertheless you're very right. Embarrassed


Posted By: AffirmativeBunny
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:59pm
Here is a hug for you OP Hug
You're very right, I have noticed this too. Its a sad reality but I guess not much can be done about it. The fact that this image is unapologetically pushed in media (mostly urban media) makes it even worse.
Can I also just say that you're very eloquent. Nice to see a well written post with good grammar. Smile


Posted By: Hello! Tsuki
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 11:09pm
I do think that it would help to put more effort into your appearance. Maybe experiment with fashion and make-up. Just try it out for a little while and see what happens. I'm not sure what else to say, I tend to have trouble articulating my opinions. I guess all I can say is that I hope things get better for you Hug I used to have very low self-esteem so I empathize greatly


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 11:11pm
Originally posted by BoutThatLife BoutThatLife wrote:

Hug

Sadly everything you said rings true in society.  If you are the brown/black one hanging around nothing but light & mixed girls then I completely get that you are treated this way.  While you may have your own unique beauty, the people you're around are drawing those who are struck by their brand of beauty but when they get around you they're dismissive of yours.  Have you considered branching out? Hanging with other dark skinned black girls?  Sometimes it's best to clique up with women who are similar to you so there's none of that exclusion or hurt feelings.  There is definetely a difference in the way we are treated based on skin color.  IT's the same reason why people (men and women alike) will fawn over Kim K but look down on a similar black woman. Why a woman of Amber Rose's rep can get wifed and be seen as a trophy but a black woman doing the same is in the gutter of a hole in the wall strip club some where

When I was growing up people (boys, other girls, even adults) were a lot kinder and more accepting to the lighter and mixed girls.  It was rare for a dark skinned black girl to be fawned after and seen as gf material and not just sexual. Certain looks get fawned over and valued more even though logically we know that they arent better, they just get that hype.  Everyone unconsciously noticed it, but the girls who did say something about it were instantly labeled bitter, jealous, negative, and haters.  It was like you were just supposed to accept "your place" in the background and not to question it.



Also I wanna know, what's your swag normally like?  If you are considering trying to fit in, I understand that and wont knock you for it.  We live in a highly visual society and in your 20s you wanna fit that mold and be considered top level. No one wants to feel like chopped liver.  Some women gonna try to make you feel like you're wrong for that, but most women do want to attract a high number of men and be sought after. Who doesnt want that feeling?

You may want to consider tweaking things a little bit.  If you dont have one already, consider a very good weave. Like how Aaliyah's hair used to be, that long thick full natural look.  You'll have the edge of having the hair that's most fawned after in society.  If you are not racially ambiguous and you want to fit the mainstream more, I wouldnt suggest being natural if your hair is coarser than a 3c at the most unless it is very long (mid back). 

Wear makeup. Not a lot, dont do that tacky hood girl sh*t, just a light natural app. You can play with colors on your eyes and lips as long as you use quality brands but you never want to look cheap. We as black women cant afford to half step, we cant look cheap and skimp otherwise it gives off a low class low value vibe.

Dress cute, trendy yet sexy. a HINT of sexy, not too much.  I've seen a lot of dark girls make this mistake and be penalized for it (unlike the lighter girls).  If you got nice assets and really try to flaunt it to make up for the color bias, you will be seen as a sex symbol not the wife.  But you dont want to go too far on the other end and look like a lame or grandma because you too scared to be cute.  You know dress whats hot for your body shape, type and social group

Keep your weight down. Dont get any bigger than a "thick" and not a Deelishus booty thick because then you wont be taken seriously, you'll just be seen as a walking ass. Actually your best bet is to be in shape, be the size that you're healthy and confident at. dont worry about having curves just dont be trying to pump your ass up (not that u would just saying girls like that get treated like hoes off the rip)

You can either adjust and work with your looks to be as society beautiful as you can, or you can just accept it but know that when a 1/2 breed is around you're gonna be in the shadows.  For some women, they will be like "Well I dont give a damn" but when you're in your 20s just coming out of your teens I certainly cant pretend like thats not something you're not allowed to want to


Lots of love to you queen. Embarrassed Many hugs. I don't want to fit into anything but myself. I'm not really trendy. I don't like the same things as my friends or certain young people do. (disregarding emotional/mental similarities) I do however, and would however, love to be attractive to men. It's not my dream in life, but as a young woman, when your peers are engaged in the beautiful world of relations and social outcomes, who would want to follow behind? We're this age once, and we're to seize each moment and make the most, but I do feel sometimes I don't get the same opportunities, at least the good ones, because I'm not this image. We all have a right to be who we are and I always do my best not to fully ostracize women who look like this or people in general who are "trendy" or style or whatever. I'd never want to hurt anyone's feelings, after all I am another human being trying to understand why we do the things that we do, when we can always choose. Smile

I've also always struggled with my weight, so on top of everything that was another thing I had to deal with which is a separate issue. I've lost 62 pounds since last February, and I am learning to appreciate every curve and inch of my body, although if you catch me by myself I will say I hate my body. But it's such a mean thing to say and I wonder why I say it sometimes because I'm still a young girl who is hurting, and when I look in the mirror I still see that young girl/girl I am wanting to be loved and be beautiful. But I am trying to be patient. I'm 5'7 and now way 150. I'd like to lose some more weight as I have a lot I dislike about my body, but again I'm working on that. It's very hard to deal with. 

I'm natural in terms of hair. I don't want to look ambiguous. As for weaves, I think they're funky and cool and all that but I just wouldn't be bothered, plus I like being free in the sense of nothing attached or to keep up with because besides being lazy the length of my hair doesn't bother me these days. I wear a beanie hat a lot. 

Honestly I'm just me and I don't feel attached to these things. I'm just trying to be free. Effortless. (I mean by feeling) If I were to do all of these things I'd feel like I were pretending because that's not me. They are great options to change what I dislike about myself or the fact I'm not beautiful physically or just to feel better! But it's not who I am, where as my friends and many other women who have that look, are just that way naturally. (In terms of them liking to dress the way they do, wear make-up, hairstyles, etc) 

Regardless, I am so glad you are honest and saying you understand where I'm coming from as a young woman because these are the years that we are to remember and enjoy and feel beautiful. Not sad, inept, or less/unworthy. 


Posted By: honeyb87
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 11:23pm
Originally posted by nala52808 nala52808 wrote:

I knew I wasn't the most prettiful person in school. But I never got depressed about it. It is what is, you know? As a result, I created my own crazy personality that drew people to me. I honestly think that if I was drop dead gorgeous, I'd be so used to people coming to me, that my personality/self esteem would be underdeveloped, because I never had to put in work.
Also, I'd like to say that there are good things about being ugly. For example, your facial expressions are always funnier. Check out Emmanuel Hudson if you think I'm lying.


 Clap I heart you! Embarrassed


-------------
Going through a quarter life crisis. Judge me if you will. No fcks will be given though.

Don't call a b*tch a b*tch unless you like the b*tch


Posted By: discreet.
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 11:24pm
Originally posted by AffirmativeBunny AffirmativeBunny wrote:

Here is a hug for you OP Hug
You're very right, I have noticed this too. Its a sad reality but I guess not much can be done about it. The fact that this image is unapologetically pushed in media (mostly urban media) makes it even worse.
Can I also just say that you're very eloquent. Nice to see a well written post with good grammar. Smile

Lots of love. Thanks for responding to me. Handshake Hug
As you said not much can be done about it, one can only hope however that this concept of skin and hair texture and all these genetically crafted "beautiful" features will not always be perceived as the only beauty, or the best kind. 

I have a white English friend and he was telling me how drop dead gorgeous he finds Lauryn Hill. He met her at a concert and sent me the photo. I blushed because, she looks like me. I look like her rather. (Not actually in terms of looking exactly like her) but what I mean is our features. Our skin, our lips, our noses, the little things. But what I found most amazing is that he didn't just mean physically, he meant overall as a human being, as a woman. What she emanated inside of her, is what he found beautiful at first, but he told me how much he loved her eyes and the way she looks in through your soul. It was cool, because to me, that's beauty. Although I find women who have that look just as beautiful, I find women like this amazing. Just like Nina Simone. 

Thank you for saying that about my post, I am almost sure I am an idiot most days, so that was kind of you. :D




Posted By: ScorpioLuv
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:10am
Yes

-------------
Sons of bitches,smh


Posted By: noneyons
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:36am
Keep in mind many of the most beautiful women in the world can't keep a man so if attracting a good mate is what you're concerned with, that should put your mind at ease. LOL

I mean, other than a potential partner, who's opinions on your looks matter to you?


-------------
As a species,human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from.
-Agent Smith


Posted By: Lite Brite
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:40am
Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:


I've lost 62 pounds since last February


Get it girl!!Clap


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:49am
I think it might help you if you find positive role models. I have a lot of friends who are major beauty bloggers, and they're fuller figured and darker skinned. They're very successful and they prove that you don't have to be this one dimensional version of what beauty is supposed to be and be successful or desirable. They work with major brands, they are flown LITERALLY around the world to cover events for mainstream companies, etc. 

Please check out http://kittybradshaw.com and http://www.swa-rai.com/.

You need to put positive images in front of you that reflect a better image of who you are. Being light and skinny isn't the only thing that's "hot & popping" and this is coming from a skinny chick!! I think a lot of your misgivings come from constantly surrounding yourself with people who are for better or worse, your exact opposite. Which makes it only natural that you're going to constantly continue to compare yourself to them and make the assumption that you're coming up short. 

-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: Limalady
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:59am
I think beautiful people get things more easily, but I don't think beauty dictates who is fulfilled, who finds love, or who is successful.


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:03am
I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....


I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo

In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)

Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.

Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?

None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that

We need a better plan to rid this issue


Posted By: noneyons
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:16am
I vote for a Love Yourself BHM style campaign. Somebody do a thread tomorrow pretty please. I have a lot to say on this topic as well. 

-------------
As a species,human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from.
-Agent Smith


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:22am
I think it is a society at large issue, in that society tends to be quite hypocritical. On one hand, we tell children to be themselves as it relates to not succumbing to peer pressure for drugs, alcohol or sexual activity. However, we want kids to fit in with their peers, sometimes at all costs, and our kids notice this and project it onto others. Different = the unknown = scary for so many people. And something that is different from themselves is automatically perceived as a threat. And to prevent the threat, we bully and tear down the person who acts differently so as to make them like ourselves and hence, non threatening.

I definitely remember growing up getting flack from my peers for not fitting in because either I didn't look or sound a certain way. It's shameful that yes this definitely happens a lot in the black community, but IMO, it happens across the board. People are always being told not to do this and to go for what's safe rather than truly expressing themselves, and it's sad.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: Harmonii
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 3:56am
Originally posted by solo solo wrote:

Umm...yes. Absolutely, without a doubt. It's a fact.



Yup..I've always gotten treated better than my cousin. Of course she can have a awful attitude at times.


Posted By: MizzAmirah
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 7:49am
Yes people do generally get treated differently based on looks. I the typical west african features and have never been considered ugly. I know I have received many "favors"based on my looks, without a doubt. You have to also change you're perspective on beauty. Yes, people generally see the beyonces as beautiful, but don't forget there are many brown and dark skinned beauties out there too. work with your looks and personality and move on with your life. I don't know how you look, but u do.

-------------


Posted By: babyk94
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 9:11am
Originally posted by Elohim_is_Love Elohim_is_Love wrote:

Beauty is subjective  and also ingrained in our minds what beauty should truly be and thus I feel like no one knows what they are actually truly attracted to IMHO. We are so ingrained that lightskin women or these very special brown and dark skin women are the rare types that are considered attractive. I see light skin women who aren't really attractive appear to be because we are taught lighter is better and thus people think an average or below average one is attractive. I see more beautiful dark skin sisters overlooked because they are dark, but they look better than the ones these guys are hurting themselves over because of certain features.



I see it happen so often. For me pretty is just pretty it has nothing to do with skin color but, some people out here think everything that's light skin is attractive and it's just not true.


Posted By: MizzAmirah
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 10:33am
Originally posted by babyk94 babyk94 wrote:

Originally posted by Elohim_is_Love Elohim_is_Love wrote:

Beauty is subjective  and also ingrained in our minds what beauty should truly be and thus I feel like no one knows what they are actually truly attracted to IMHO. We are so ingrained that lightskin women or these very special brown and dark skin women are the rare types that are considered attractive. I see light skin women who aren't really attractive appear to be because we are taught lighter is better and thus people think an average or below average one is attractive. I see more beautiful dark skin sisters overlooked because they are dark, but they look better than the ones these guys are hurting themselves over because of certain features.



I see it happen so often. For me pretty is just pretty it has nothing to do with skin color but, some people out here think everything that's light skin is attractive and it's just not true.

I co sign baby_94
I think we (esp bhm) gives too much credit to colorism at times.

-------------


Posted By: honeyb87
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:00am
I've seen sooooo many beautiful brown and dark skinned women that it's crazy! I often find myself thinking, "so why is light skinned considered the most favorable again??"

I greatly encourage black women to start traveling and get outside the U.S...you would be surprised how many cultures find black women gorgeous!


-------------
Going through a quarter life crisis. Judge me if you will. No fcks will be given though.

Don't call a b*tch a b*tch unless you like the b*tch


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:36am
Originally posted by honeyb87 honeyb87 wrote:

I've seen sooooo many beautiful brown and dark skinned women that it's crazy! I often find myself thinking, "so why is light skinned considered the most favorable again??"

I greatly encourage black women to start traveling and get outside the U.S...you would be surprised how many cultures find black women gorgeous!


TRUTH! Not that I get dogged in the US, but when I leave the country, I never have people try to assume that I must be mixed with something and that's why I'm beautiful. But I hear that ALL the time here. Ouch


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:39am
Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:


I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....


I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo

In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)

Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.

Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?

None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that

We need a better plan to rid this issue




I completely agree with this. And i'd like to add on to it.
Growing up, i loved my mother. I still do. My mother is the best and everyday I am thankful for the woman she has taught me to be. However, the feeling I felt inside when my father kissed me, rocked me, took me on dates is like I was bursting inside. I had been going on dates a few times a week with my father from the time I could eat solid food because when i was born, in the hospital he told my mom that he can't wait to take me for hamburgers and milkshakes. My mom gave him the side eye because I was about..3 hours old.

He really couldn't wait and as soon and I was able to eat meals like that, that man took me on our dates. I remember them vividly even now. He liked mints a lot, a special kind of mint that sells in Guyana. I was so small so his breath came down onto my face. The mints are black and smell like licorice and I eat them sometimes when I miss my father.
I was falling in love with my father. He paid me attention, he told me I was beautiful, he hugged and kisses me. He was gentle with me and took his time while driving, stopping to check me and pinch my cheeks or kiss my ear. He loved to kiss my ears. He looked me in the eyes and said I love you honey, you are my special baby Derri. I have lots of love letters from my father professing his love to me. I write him as well. What i'm getting at is, my father's love made me confident. When I started to mature, I expected certain things from men. i held them to the standard of my father. I knew what kind of love to look for. One that professes love to me always, is gentle, giving, and unafraid to show it.
As a woman, I got my life values from my mother, but my confidence from my father. As a teen, he wrote me love letters telling me that my acne didn't make me any less of the person. Omg young and dumb with blackgirlproblems i even vented about my nappy hair to him. He comforted me in letters about that as well.

Our fathers are sooo important for our self esteem.
Not knowing if OP has her father or not, (and my father and I have a very complicated relationship) but I was inspired to share based on what alias_avi wrote. The world is effed up, but our parents and family can do their part in strengthening and thereby preparing us for it. And our little black baby boys and girls need it the most.


Posted By: babyk94
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:40am
Originally posted by honeyb87 honeyb87 wrote:

I've seen sooooo many beautiful brown and dark skinned women that it's crazy! I often find myself thinking, "so why is light skinned considered the most favorable again??"

I greatly encourage black women to start traveling and get outside the U.S...you would be surprised how many cultures find black women gorgeous!


While this maybe true a lot of countries are having the same problems.


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:50am
Although xenophobia is alive and well in any country that was touched by European colonization, it's also a truth that outside of the US, being darker skinned doesn't immediately get the negative reaction that you would automatically assume. I go to Asia a lot, and that's a region that is purported to be very anti dark skin - even within their own community. And I've never received anything but kindness.

I say that to say, yes, pretty much most cultures of color are color struck due to historical circumstances, but the constant need to specifically put down women of color (specifically African American women) seems to be something that is "peculiar" to the US specifically.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: honeyb87
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:55am
All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.



-------------
Going through a quarter life crisis. Judge me if you will. No fcks will be given though.

Don't call a b*tch a b*tch unless you like the b*tch


Posted By: Limalady
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 11:57am
 
Originally posted by honeyb87 honeyb87 wrote:

All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.

 
You don't have to go that far to find people that will treat you well. Wink There are people right here in the USA that will treat you like a princess.


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:00pm
I think when you live in the same country as your slavemaster, having to fight and struggle with them for basic human rights, then still always having to stretch out your hand out to them for your bread and butter, yes there is bound to be a very unique mental process happening over time with the generations.

We as black people are not as independent enough in this society. We need to keep building! Action is the greatest restorer of confidence. (I see this being the issue in my nativr country as well)

Especially so in Canada, where I live now. There are far less black people with financial power, and even less doig anything to build the black community.


Posted By: honeyb87
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:03pm
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:


I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....


I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo

In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)

Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.

Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?

None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that

We need a better plan to rid this issue




I completely agree with this. And i'd like to add on to it.
Growing up, i loved my mother. I still do. My mother is the best and everyday I am thankful for the woman she has taught me to be. However, the feeling I felt inside when my father kissed me, rocked me, took me on dates is like I was bursting inside. I had been going on dates a few times a week with my father from the time I could eat solid food because when i was born, in the hospital he told my mom that he can't wait to take me for hamburgers and milkshakes. My mom gave him the side eye because I was about..3 hours old.

He really couldn't wait and as soon and I was able to eat meals like that, that man took me on our dates. I remember them vividly even now. He liked mints a lot, a special kind of mint that sells in Guyana. I was so small so his breath came down onto my face. The mints are black and smell like licorice and I eat them sometimes when I miss my father.
I was falling in love with my father. He paid me attention, he told me I was beautiful, he hugged and kisses me. He was gentle with me and took his time while driving, stopping to check me and pinch my cheeks or kiss my ear. He loved to kiss my ears. He looked me in the eyes and said I love you honey, you are my special baby Derri. I have lots of love letters from my father professing his love to me. I write him as well. What i'm getting at is, my father's love made me confident. When I started to mature, I expected certain things from men. i held them to the standard of my father. I knew what kind of love to look for. One that professes love to me always, is gentle, giving, and unafraid to show it.
As a woman, I got my life values from my mother, but my confidence from my father. As a teen, he wrote me love letters telling me that my acne didn't make me any less of the person. Omg young and dumb with blackgirlproblems i even vented about my nappy hair to him. He comforted me in letters about that as well.

Our fathers are sooo important for our self esteem.
Not knowing if OP has her father or not, (and my father and I have a very complicated relationship) but I was inspired to share based on what alias_avi wrote. The world is effed up, but our parents and family can do their part in strengthening and thereby preparing us for it. And our little black baby boys and girls need it the most.


Why did this have me on the verge of tears?? Heart Cry
Thanks for sharing! I want to go hug my parents.


-------------
Going through a quarter life crisis. Judge me if you will. No fcks will be given though.

Don't call a b*tch a b*tch unless you like the b*tch


Posted By: honeyb87
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:04pm
Originally posted by Limalady Limalady wrote:

 
Originally posted by honeyb87 honeyb87 wrote:

All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.

 
You don't have to go that far to find people that will treat you well. Wink There are people right here in the USA that will treat you like a princess.


Trust, I know Wink


-------------
Going through a quarter life crisis. Judge me if you will. No fcks will be given though.

Don't call a b*tch a b*tch unless you like the b*tch


Posted By: Limalady
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:08pm
There may be the exotic factor in Europe, but many get the same reception here, "Your skin is so beautiful. You are so pretty." We don't really say that to one another in our own community, which may be why people search for validation in other communities.


Posted By: BrownQtee
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:10pm
Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:

Although xenophobia is alive and well in any country that was touched by European colonization, it's also a truth that outside of the US, being darker skinned doesn't immediately get the negative reaction that you would automatically assume. I go to Asia a lot, and that's a region that is purported to be very anti dark skin - even within their own community. And I've never received anything but kindness.

I say that to say, yes, pretty much most cultures of color are color struck due to historical circumstances, but the constant need to specifically put down women of color (specifically African American women) seems to be something that is "peculiar" to the US specifically.
 
And unfortunately, usually by our own people. smdh.


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:12pm
I would agree that the AA community is an insanely negative one at times. Very quick to look for flaws whether it's "weave checking" to the clothes, etc. Yes, everyone does it regardless of race (weave checking probably not so much!) but we seem to make it a national pass time. 

-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: Limalady
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:16pm
Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:

I would agree that the AA community is an insanely negative one at times. Very quick to look for flaws whether it's "weave checking" to the clothes, etc. Yes, everyone does it regardless of race (weave checking probably not so much!) but we seem to make it a national pass time. 
 
True. Ouch This makes me sad honestly.


Posted By: creole booty
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:18pm
Originally posted by honeyb87 honeyb87 wrote:

All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.





First, I agree with most posters. It's true, this does happen.

I would say that we tend to not pay attention to the positive experiences because what u mentioned about ur friends overseas happens to me everyday in America and I'm black. Dark skinned. 4a/b hair. Thick. I see the light skin vs dark skin problems, but I don't embody them. I also see the tons of stares, recognize the compliments, the flirting, it may not come from who u want or expect ALL the time, but it happens. Remember the little old lady who loved ur hair or the man at the grocery store who smiled when u made eye contact. Be confident. Exude happiness and make ur own self worth. These peoples compliments or ideas off trivial things. When u look like someone who knows that ur the sh*t, people automatically fall in line. Not everyone finds ONLY light skin or ONLY dark skin girls. It's 300 million people in the us. All of whom have different preferences. Hell, some people prefer midgets. Do u only eat one kind of ice team because that's the one u prefer? No, sometimes other favors call ur name. Same thing with people. Buck up kid! If ur personality is what people like, u can add that into ur walk, ur wardrobe, ur makeup, anything. Personality is truly what matters anyway and if you've already got it? Ur good! So ur friends may get attention, but you can keep attention. Trust me ur only 20, it gets better.

-------------
i lost all my baby weight: )


Posted By: EPITOME
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:20pm
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

I think when you live in the same country as your slavemaster, having to fight and struggle with them for basic human rights, then still always having to stretch out your hand out to them for your bread and butter, yes there is bound to be a very unique mental process happening over time with the generations.

We as black people are not as independent enough in this society. We need to keep building! Action is the greatest restorer of confidence. (I see this being the issue in my nativr country as well)

Especially so in Canada, where I live now. There are far less black people with financial power, and even less doig anything to build the black community.

aww your daddy is why you love to write letters to your SO. so beautifulEmbarrassed

i do believe in the importance of men in our community and on young girls.  even women my age need their fathers to reinforce their beauty. 

i got my hair done and i asked my daddy "daddy do i look nice?" he goes "you look beautiful and should keep your hair like that." me "i'll keep my hair like this if you tell me i look pretty."  him "i'll give you a million compliments a day."Embarrassed

it's not as simple as fathers being around of course but i think self-esteem can be built so that outside influences dont effect our young girls as much. sure, i had my moments of self-doubt and insecurity but it never gets drastic and i think it's bc of my parents.


-------------
I'm from The Wishanicca Woods boo-Dreamz

If you are or have ever been a member of BHM, you are inherently a hoodrat.B


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:22pm
It stems from fear

We are "insanely negative" because we are 'insanely judged' by everyone; therefore, we tend to critique each other fiercely when we know that the eyes of OTHERS are watching for fear that THEY will see our flaws first. It's a bit of self-hatred mixed in there too. We are so harsh on ourselves and each other because we feel we deserve it

It's that Double Consciousness W.E.B. DuBois referred too. We have this ability to look at ourselves through the prism of our own consciousness and yet, we also have this need to look at ourselves in the same way that everyone else does

Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:

I would agree that the AA community is an insanely negative one at times. Very quick to look for flaws whether it's "weave checking" to the clothes, etc. Yes, everyone does it regardless of race (weave checking probably not so much!) but we seem to make it a national pass time. 


Posted By: Chyna_Li
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:25pm
Originally posted by Elohim_is_Love Elohim_is_Love wrote:

Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:


I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....


I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo

In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)

Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.

Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?

None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that

We need a better plan to rid this issue




I completely agree with this. And i'd like to add on to it.
Growing up, i loved my mother. I still do. My mother is the best and everyday I am thankful for the woman she has taught me to be. However, the feeling I felt inside when my father kissed me, rocked me, took me on dates is like I was bursting inside. I had been going on dates a few times a week with my father from the time I could eat solid food because when i was born, in the hospital he told my mom that he can't wait to take me for hamburgers and milkshakes. My mom gave him the side eye because I was about..3 hours old.

He really couldn't wait and as soon and I was able to eat meals like that, that man took me on our dates. I remember them vividly even now. He liked mints a lot, a special kind of mint that sells in Guyana. I was so small so his breath came down onto my face. The mints are black and smell like licorice and I eat them sometimes when I miss my father.
I was falling in love with my father. He paid me attention, he told me I was beautiful, he hugged and kisses me. He was gentle with me and took his time while driving, stopping to check me and pinch my cheeks or kiss my ear. He loved to kiss my ears. He looked me in the eyes and said I love you honey, you are my special baby Derri. I have lots of love letters from my father professing his love to me. I write him as well. What i'm getting at is, my father's love made me confident. When I started to mature, I expected certain things from men. i held them to the standard of my father. I knew what kind of love to look for. One that professes love to me always, is gentle, giving, and unafraid to show it.
As a woman, I got my life values from my mother, but my confidence from my father. As a teen, he wrote me love letters telling me that my acne didn't make me any less of the person. Omg young and dumb with blackgirlproblems i even vented about my nappy hair to him. He comforted me in letters about that as well.

Our fathers are sooo important for our self esteem.
Not knowing if OP has her father or not, (and my father and I have a very complicated relationship) but I was inspired to share based on what alias_avi wrote. The world is effed up, but our parents and family can do their part in strengthening and thereby preparing us for it. And our little black baby boys and girls need it the most.
You have a very good father. A father worth mimicking. Clap


Posted By: Limalady
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:34pm
We have harsher beauty standards for ourselves than the "Destroyers of Civilization" have for us.


Posted By: honeyb87
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:36pm
Originally posted by creole booty creole booty wrote:

Originally posted by honeyb87 honeyb87 wrote:

All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.





First, I agree with most posters. It's true, this does happen.

I would say that we tend to not pay attention to the positive experiences because what u mentioned about ur friends overseas happens to me everyday in America and I'm black. Dark skinned. 4a/b hair. Thick. I see the light skin vs dark skin problems, but I don't embody them. I also see the tons of stares, recognize the compliments, the flirting, it may not come from who u want or expect ALL the time, but it happens. Remember the little old lady who loved ur hair or the man at the grocery store who smiled when u made eye contact. Be confident. Exude happiness and make ur own self worth. These peoples compliments or ideas off trivial things. When u look like someone who knows that ur the sh*t, people automatically fall in line. Not everyone finds ONLY light skin or ONLY dark skin girls. It's 300 million people in the us. All of whom have different preferences. Hell, some people prefer midgets. Do u only eat one kind of ice team because that's the one u prefer? No, sometimes other favors call ur name. Same thing with people. Buck up kid! If ur personality is what people like, u can add that into ur walk, ur wardrobe, ur makeup, anything. Personality is truly what matters anyway and if you've already got it? Ur good! So ur friends may get attention, but you can keep attention. Trust me ur only 20, it gets better.


ClapClap
I grew up with low self esteem (outside the family) but I flourished after I graduated high school. I became my own person; I became more sassy and outspoken, and put more effort into my style, and was more open to attention as opposed to intimidated.

Also, I always noticed that PERSONALITY and ATTITUDE is what keeps people interested in you.
Like someone mentioned before, a lot of people do not know what they really want and images of what they should want are programmed into their heads.

I remember my good friend from college (an HBCU in Atlanta btw) who had beautiful dark skin, high cheekbones, average height and weight, banging style. Makeup and hair always on point, beautiful smile and personality- BLACK men FLOCKED to her. F-L-O-C-K-E-D. I was secretly taking notes LOL

You can't deny a good personality, but in the end everyone has their preferences. It is impossible to please everyone.


-------------
Going through a quarter life crisis. Judge me if you will. No fcks will be given though.

Don't call a b*tch a b*tch unless you like the b*tch


Posted By: Limalady
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:41pm
Originally posted by Elohim_is_Love Elohim_is_Love wrote:

Originally posted by Limalady Limalady wrote:

We have harsher beauty standards for ourselves than the "Destroyers of Civilization" have for us.
And who caused that? You have to look at the cause and the effect. We didn't start this out of the blue, take back your own culture and make up the rules you have for it. Why would I deny myself cause of anything that I was born with because some twit doesn't like it, it's not rational nor logical. He doesn't have anything special that makes him better, its just there are more of his people here. But still he cannot rule my mind if I don't allow him to.
 
You make a valid point.


Posted By: rickysrose
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:43pm
After awhile, even the very beautiful have to bring something else to the table.  


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:46pm
Aww pity




And i agree with alias_avi again


Posted By: Derri
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:52pm
I think it's time we stop giving ourselves, investing in, and supporting others while leaving our asses wide open.
In every aspect of life, the majority of us invest more time, effort, and money elsewhere instead of our own backyards.
We need help...from us.


Posted By: rickysrose
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 12:58pm
I had only read the title, but after seeing a few posts,

I've always thought it would go a very long way in healing the effects of racism

if we got a detailed, comprehensive account of the tactics that were put into place to enslave us ... Psychologically, socially, economically, legally, etc

Right now it's so grey and vague, by design, that we can't focus or grasp the "why" of the very deeply held beliefs that still enslave us.  It will be impossible to create real full scale solutions, change without this understanding, imo.





Posted By: babyk94
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:06pm
Oh I'm sure people have great experiences in other countries & while they maybe nice to our faces I'm sure they wouldn't want their son or daughter marrying a black person. Just putting that out there.


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:18pm
I don't think that's necessary at all

Imo, it doesn't really matter how the problem started as much as it matters how it's being perpetuated

We know that the current effects of long-term racism are being perpetuated by modern day institutionalized racism, privilege and entitlement. Also, this country pretty much blames the state of the Black community on Black people themselves.

We're not completely absolved from any responsibility from what we've done (or haven't done) with ourselves but it's more than dishonest to capture and enslave a group of people for hundreds of years, set them free and create laws that keep them from mobilizing upward and then seemingly get rid of those laws (but really they go covert) and then expect them to help themselves

White people did not get to the "top" by helping themselves. They only got there because they blocked the success of other groups of centuries


But I digress...

We are too hard on ourselves sometimes

Originally posted by rickysrose rickysrose wrote:

I had only read the title, but after seeing a few posts,

I've always thought it would go a very long way in healing the effects of racism

if we got a detailed, comprehensive account of the tactics that were put into place to enslave us ... Psychologically, socially, economically, legally, etc

Right now it's so grey and vague, by design, that we can't focus or grasp the "why" of the very deeply held beliefs that still enslave us.  It will be impossible to create real full scale solutions, change without this understanding, imo.





Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:35pm
Originally posted by babyk94 babyk94 wrote:

Oh I'm sure people have great experiences in other countries & while they maybe nice to our faces I'm sure they wouldn't want their son or daughter marrying a black person. Just putting that out there.


So, would it be better if it was a black person talking smack about another black person behind their backs? Or saying, don't marry someone dark so your kids come out prettier? Or I hope you don't get that slave hair like (insert relative) has? Because I hear comments like that coming from members of the black community all the time - thankfully not from anyone I'm related to or spend any real time around.

I don't understand that reasoning. You can find a bigot anywhere, that's not very hard. The point those of us who brought up the international community are making is that often times, being an AA in the US makes you assume that the rest of the world is 100% against you and hating on you just because you're black, or darker than the perceived ideal. Within the US and specifically within the black community, we feed on a perpetual belief that everyone hates us because they (being white people) have painted and pushed us into a corner to be second class citizens. So, ignorantly, instead of working hard to uplift each other, we decide to tear each other down first before yt can do it to you - which is insanely backwards thinking.

But, often times, when you leave the shores of this country, you find that a lot of the assumptions that you'll be instantly ostracized for your race in foreign lands is a perpetuated myth. I work in international markets all the time. Sure, part of the reason I have those clients is because I'm good at what I do, but what's stopping someone from thinking, no I don't want this balck chick representing me, I'd feel more comfortable if the virtual face of my company/client/brand in the US was a white person rather than a black woman.

Sure, you're always going to have someone who's uncomfortable with black people, but then you'd have that in the States as well and we have that in our own communities too.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: zsazsa
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:39pm
Really interesting subject. I used to see how people would fawn over my light skin niece but ignore her darker younger sibling (they look very much alike) extremely hurtful. I found myself overcompensating on dashing out compliments to the little one a lot more often. I fawn over both of them but went the extra mile with her. It's like people don't even see the features - just colour. How dumb. 

I have even seen it on here. People are so quick to let you know their skin tone is light in a post for no reason. Cringe-O-Meter. 

I remember when I was expecting my son and a friend was like 'OMG he is going to be SO light'. My son is actually darker than both his father and I. What a frikking stupid thing to say in the first place? and she wasn't alone. From the minute he was born, people kept telling me he was dark - like how come he didn't get our skin tone? ask god. People are so DUMB. 

Colourism is a disease that needs to be stomped out. It's such a desperate sad way to live. 


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:44pm
Yeah my dad is lighter than my mom and when I was born for whatever reason I came out super light and then gradually got to my current shade. My maternal grandmother has serious colorism issues and couldn't stop going on and on apparently about my color when I was first born.

*eye roll*

Even at 90yrs old, she's real quick to tell ppl she has good hair because she's half Cherokee. And although it's true she's half Cherokee, I find that mess obnoxious.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: babyk94
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 1:53pm
Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:


Originally posted by babyk94 babyk94 wrote:

Oh I'm sure people have great experiences in other
countries & while they maybe nice to our faces I'm sure they
wouldn't want their son or daughter marrying a black person. Just
putting that out there.


So, would it be better if it was
a black person talking smack about another black person behind their
backs? Or saying, don't marry someone dark so your kids come out
prettier? Or I hope you don't get that slave hair like (insert relative)
has? Because I hear comments like that coming from members of the black
community all the time - thankfully not from anyone I'm related to or
spend any real time around.

I don't understand that reasoning.
You can find a bigot anywhere, that's not very hard. The point those of
us who brought up the international community are making is that often
times, being an AA in the US makes you assume that the rest of the world
is 100% against you and hating on you just because you're black, or
darker than the perceived ideal. Within the US and specifically within
the black community, we feed on a perpetual belief that everyone hates
us because they (being white people) have painted and pushed us into a
corner to be second class citizens. So, ignorantly, instead of working
hard to uplift each other, we decide to tear each other down first
before yt can do it to you - which is insanely backwards thinking.

But,
often times, when you leave the shores of this country, you find that a
lot of the assumptions that you'll be instantly ostracized for your
race in foreign lands is a perpetuated myth. I work in international
markets all the time. Sure, part of the reason I have those clients is
because I'm good at what I do, but what's stopping someone from
thinking, no I don't want this balck chick representing me, I'd feel
more comfortable if the virtual face of my company/client/brand in the
US was a white person rather than a black woman.

Sure, you're
always going to have someone who's uncomfortable with black people, but
then you'd have that in the States as well and we have that in our own
communities too.


I see your point


Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:01pm
Originally posted by discreet. discreet. wrote:

Originally posted by solo solo wrote:

Reading over this kind of made me sad. Looks are something we all worry about because it's the first thing people see when they look at us. They don't know if we're smart, funny, saved orphans from burning buildings, rapists. murders etc. But they look at our faces and form opinions about us based on how we look.

The bad thing is you can't change that. And the good thing is, you can't change that. You're 20...it will get better. As you get older you will grow more comfortable in yourself and learn that there are way more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or nice hair.

Oh absolutely. I would say I'm not the most confident young woman in the world, but I do for sure believe there are more ways to be attractive than just having a pretty face or certain type of hair. 

I just wonder and sometimes digress in these things because I know growing up and even now a lot of times it hurts me in the back of my mind that people have an outlook this way. It's ultimately okay, because they are beautiful women regardless, and maybe even lovely people. But I just like to know why is that the only beauty people see?

What about that makes someone more deserving of anyone else? It's just the questions that have lingered through my head while growing up and now a lot is all. 
 
To answer your question - it's human nature to be attracted to what is currently known as 'beautiful'.
 
This is a fact of life and has nothing to do with race. Lots of White, Asian and Indian girls do not have a look that is considered 'beautiful'. You just have to live with it and do the best you can with what you have.
 
I say this because sometimes I have seen that when a girl thinks she's 'not pretty' ... she just gives up on herself.
 
- does not do anything about her skin, teeth, hair, clothes, figure - does nothing and then sits around being bitter because she get passed over.
 
Then then are other girls that really are not considered 'pretty' either, BUT they take care of themselves as best they can on the outside AND they get help them develop some healthy self esteem and confidence which leads to happiness and a good outlook on life and before you know it .. people are indeed 'attracted' to that person.
 
I think this is the course you should follow instead of lamenting the fact that people don't consider you 'beautiful'.
 
Not to say that if you stood next to Halle Berry or Beyonce the men would ignore them ... but most most women do not look like 'stars'.
 
You pretty much have to become beautiful to yourself and .. then other folks will  follow.
 
Oh .. and you need to get away from The States too with the F*** up  dark skinned/light skinned mentality. That's poison!!
 


Posted By: teendiva
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:11pm
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:


I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....


I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo

In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)

Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.

Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?

None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that

We need a better plan to rid this issue




I completely agree with this. And i'd like to add on to it.
Growing up, i loved my mother. I still do. My mother is the best and everyday I am thankful for the woman she has taught me to be. However, the feeling I felt inside when my father kissed me, rocked me, took me on dates is like I was bursting inside. I had been going on dates a few times a week with my father from the time I could eat solid food because when i was born, in the hospital he told my mom that he can't wait to take me for hamburgers and milkshakes. My mom gave him the side eye because I was about..3 hours old.

He really couldn't wait and as soon and I was able to eat meals like that, that man took me on our dates. I remember them vividly even now. He liked mints a lot, a special kind of mint that sells in Guyana. I was so small so his breath came down onto my face. The mints are black and smell like licorice and I eat them sometimes when I miss my father.
I was falling in love with my father. He paid me attention, he told me I was beautiful, he hugged and kisses me. He was gentle with me and took his time while driving, stopping to check me and pinch my cheeks or kiss my ear. He loved to kiss my ears. He looked me in the eyes and said I love you honey, you are my special baby Derri. I have lots of love letters from my father professing his love to me. I write him as well. What i'm getting at is, my father's love made me confident. When I started to mature, I expected certain things from men. i held them to the standard of my father. I knew what kind of love to look for. One that professes love to me always, is gentle, giving, and unafraid to show it.
As a woman, I got my life values from my mother, but my confidence from my father. As a teen, he wrote me love letters telling me that my acne didn't make me any less of the person. Omg young and dumb with blackgirlproblems i even vented about my nappy hair to him. He comforted me in letters about that as well.

Our fathers are sooo important for our self esteem.
Not knowing if OP has her father or not, (and my father and I have a very complicated relationship) but I was inspired to share based on what alias_avi wrote. The world is effed up, but our parents and family can do their part in strengthening and thereby preparing us for it. And our little black baby boys and girls need it the most.

That was beautiful

-------------
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment.
-My dude Emerson


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:13pm
Colorism is definitely alive and well... But don't assume that this is everyone's experience just because they are ls.

I have two lil cousins, ages 4 and 2. The 4 year old is deep brown in complexion (like her father) and 2 year old is light yellow (like her mother except a lil lighter). However, the 4 year old has loose wavy hair (like Halle Berry's daughter) and the 2 year old has extremely tiny, tight coils (aka "naps")

The mother (a light woman btw) said one day referring to the 4 year old... "Oh, my baby got hair like her great-grandma! How did that happen!?!"

She looks at her 2 year old and says "WTF is this sh*t!?" Ouch ... I was shocked (still mad at myself for not saying anything) but thankfully the lil girl was only 1 at the time

However, I don't doubt for a second that the 2 year old is gonna grow up with a complex about her hair despite her being so beautiful (both lil girls are cuter than average in my humble opinion)

Her mother is gonna transmit, what I call an STD, to her... Spiritually Transmitted Disease

A parent does not have to explicitly state their bias against their children in order for their children understand their parent feels that something isn't right with them

It will be bad enough for her to grow up watching her older sister being complimented by random people off the street because she's "really cute" with her 2c - 3b category curls (it's already happened) but people will probably assume that she gets treated better because she's really light complected (not to say she won't, in relation to other kids but most of us tend to attribute our most memorable experiences to our upbringing). Our childhood experiences is when we learn how to measure ourselves



Originally posted by zsazsa zsazsa wrote:

Really interesting subject. I used to see how people would fawn over my light skin niece but ignore her darker younger sibling (they look very much alike) extremely hurtful. I found myself overcompensating on dashing out compliments to the little one a lot more often. I fawn over both of them but went the extra mile with her. It's like people don't even see the features - just colour. How dumb. 

I have even seen it on here. People are so quick to let you know their skin tone is light in a post for no reason. Cringe-O-Meter. 

I remember when I was expecting my son and a friend was like 'OMG he is going to be SO light'. My son is actually darker than both his father and I. What a frikking stupid thing to say in the first place? and she wasn't alone. From the minute he was born, people kept telling me he was dark - like how come he didn't get our skin tone? ask god. People are so DUMB. 

Colourism is a disease that needs to be stomped out. It's such a desperate sad way to live. 


Posted By: _ConcreteRose_
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:21pm
I just wanted to say, this thread turned out way better than expected. I read every post, good discussionClap


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:24pm
Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

Colorism is definitely alive and well... But don't assume that this is everyone's experience just because they are ls.

I have two lil cousins, ages 4 and 2. The 4 year old is deep brown in complexion (like her father) and 2 year old is light yellow (like her mother except a lil lighter). However, the 4 year old has loose wavy hair (like Halle Berry's daughter) and the 2 year old has extremely tiny, tight coils (aka "naps")

The mother (a light woman btw) said one day referring to the 4 year old... "Oh, my baby got hair like her great-grandma! How did that happen!?!"

She looks at her 2 year old and says "WTF is this sh*t!?" Ouch ... I was shocked (still mad at myself for not saying anything) but thankfully the lil girl was only 1 at the time

However, I don't doubt for a second that the 2 year old is gonna grow up with a complex about her hair despite her being so beautiful (both lil girls are cuter than average in my humble opinion)

Her mother is gonna transmit, what I call an STD, to her... Spiritually Transmitted Disease

A parent does not have to explicitly state their bias against their children in order for their children understand their parent feels that something isn't right with them

It will be bad enough for her to grow up watching her older sister being complimented by random people off the street because she's "really cute" with her 2c - 3b category curls (it's already happened) but people will probably assume that she gets treated better because she's really light complected (not to say she won't, in relation to other kids but most of us tend to attribute our most memorable experiences to our upbringing). Our childhood experiences is when we learn how to measure ourselves

 


This makes me glad that I've embraced my natural hair and that I have a fiance who loves my hair whether I'm wearing it in a natural curl pattern, flat ironed or wigged up to the max. I don't want to push those negative stereotypes of black hair onto my children.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: Eden.
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:25pm
omg derri


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:31pm
modelbusiness, the crazy thing is the mother is natural herself Ermm

She has short cropped natural hair (she's even had locs at one point)


It's amazing how ignorant she is


Posted By: Eden.
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:31pm
Originally posted by rickysrose rickysrose wrote:

I had only read the title, but after seeing a few posts,

I've always thought it would go a very long way in healing the effects of racism

if we got a detailed, comprehensive account of the tactics that were put into place to enslave us ... Psychologically, socially, economically, legally, etc

Right now it's so grey and vague, by design, that we can't focus or grasp the "why" of the very deeply held beliefs that still enslave us.  It will be impossible to create real full scale solutions, change without this understanding, imo.





i've always wanted this. i remember when i first heard the willy lynch letter and thought it was real. i remember feeling so relieved, realizing this way that black people thought wasn't normal or natural. that it was taught.

i really do believe this would help too.



Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:32pm
Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

modelbusiness, the crazy thing is the mother is natural herself Ermm

She has short cropped natural hair (she's even had locs at one point)


It's amazing how ignorant she is


Let me guess, she has those 3c curls? Unhappy


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:34pm
Originally posted by Eden. Eden. wrote:

Originally posted by rickysrose rickysrose wrote:

I had only read the title, but after seeing a few posts,

I've always thought it would go a very long way in healing the effects of racism

if we got a detailed, comprehensive account of the tactics that were put into place to enslave us ... Psychologically, socially, economically, legally, etc

Right now it's so grey and vague, by design, that we can't focus or grasp the "why" of the very deeply held beliefs that still enslave us.  It will be impossible to create real full scale solutions, change without this understanding, imo.





i've always wanted this. i remember when i first heard the willy lynch letter and thought it was real. i remember feeling so relieved, realizing this way that black people thought wasn't normal or natural. that it was taught.

i really do believe this would help too.



It's definitely taught...there are transcripts of things said on the floor of Congress in the 1700 - 1800s in relations to Black Codes & such that would make your head spin. But at this point, we already know the initial cause and the continued destruction caused by it. At this point, the focus should really be about building up our community rather than to constantly hold on to pains inflicted on us from centuries ago.


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: teendiva
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:35pm
Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

modelbusiness, the crazy thing is the mother is natural herself Ermm

She has short cropped natural hair (she's even had locs at one point)


It's amazing how ignorant she is



I've always said that a lot of naturals are not accepting of ALL black hair types. Nappy "4c" hair is all but shunned. Don't even try to say your hair isn't curly, folks will take it personal, as if we're ruining the natural hair reputation. /rant Carry on.

-------------
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else, is the greatest accomplishment.
-My dude Emerson


Posted By: Alias_Avi
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:36pm
Nope! 4a/b Sleepy

Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:

Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

modelbusiness, the crazy thing is the mother is natural herself Ermm

She has short cropped natural hair (she's even had locs at one point)


It's amazing how ignorant she is


Let me guess, she has those 3c curls? Unhappy


Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 29 2012 at 2:38pm
Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

Nope! 4a/b Sleepy

Originally posted by modelbusiness82 modelbusiness82 wrote:

Originally posted by Alias_Avi Alias_Avi wrote:

modelbusiness, the crazy thing is the mother is natural herself Ermm

She has short cropped natural hair (she's even had locs at one point)


It's amazing how ignorant she is


Let me guess, she has those 3c curls? Unhappy


Lol...pot meet kettle with that! I'm 4a/b and I Heart my hair!


-------------
digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com



Print Page | Close Window