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Trust Issues

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Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Talk, Talk, and More Talk
Forum Description: In this Forum, the talk is about everything that can be talked about.
URL: http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=351403
Printed Date: Aug 17 2018 at 1:46pm


Topic: Trust Issues
Posted By: _leah
Subject: Trust Issues
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:02pm
So I've been seeing this guy, we are not official, but we have made it clear to each other that we are not dating or engaging in any type of intimate relationship outside of our own.

He's currently out of town on a job interview (yes I'm positive he really is there for an interview), left yesterday comes back tomorrow. He tells me tonight that his friend is coming to pick him up, take him to town and then they are going to crash at his hotel so they can go to a beach early in the AM.

Now I didn't ask if this "friend" was male or female, and when he sensed my hesitation he assures me that I have nothing to worry about and he is not and will not do anything to betray my trust while he's away, he went as far as to offer to get me a ticket there earlier today and asked me to call out of work so I could spend the day with him there.

The fact that I am still concerned about him and this "friend" does that mean I have trust issues?

Now he has NEVER given me a reason not to trust him, when we are together he pretty much gives me his undivided attention, he doesn't really get random texts, he doesn't get calls late at night. But still Confused




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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.



Replies:
Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:05pm
why arent you together?
You're expecting too much from an uncommitted man


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[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/28mflg8.gif%5b/IMG]


Posted By: ImThatDiva
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:06pm
I think you should be forthcoming and ask whether or not their friend is a male or female. If it is a female you should voice your feelings about this outing with him. It's best to be honest then to hold it in because this will only cause more issues further down the line when you become more serious. Learn to open up to each other now rather than later.

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Mrs.ImThatModdlessDiva
TWERKIN' MY WAY DOWNTOWN
CARS DRIVE PAST
DRIVERS CRASH AND I'M LOWDOWN
-Midna


Posted By: ImThatDiva
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:07pm
Also, you have to be clear on what your status is. Are you to exclusively dating? In a relationship? Just friends?

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Mrs.ImThatModdlessDiva
TWERKIN' MY WAY DOWNTOWN
CARS DRIVE PAST
DRIVERS CRASH AND I'M LOWDOWN
-Midna


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:08pm
We aren't "official" and I mean that in terms of "boyfriend/girlfriend" terminology only because we have both been pretty hurt in the past and I guess both afraid of ruining a good thing.

ETA: We are definitely exclusively dating, are we in a relationship. I don't think so.


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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: nala52808
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:08pm
Not really. If I was in the same situation, the thought of him cheating would still linger in my mind. But I wouldn't get too nervous about it unless he's a nicca that can't be trusted.


Posted By: jonesable
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:13pm
Idk.

My best friend goes on trips with me and my two male cousins.
One of which she has a history with, but they are just friends now.But sometimes things get flirty.

We went on a trip this summer and her boyfriend got mad bc he thought something would happen.
It didn't but it made him uncomfortable that she was staying the weekend with two male friends.


I don't think it's necessarily trust issues though

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Never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee
Donne

Havmercy Dez Bryant


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:17pm
Originally posted by _leah _leah wrote:

We aren't "official" and I mean that in terms of "boyfriend/girlfriend" terminology only because we have both been pretty hurt in the past and I guess both afraid of ruining a good thing.

ETA: We are definitely exclusively dating, are we in a relationship. I don't think so.

I feel like this is an oxymoron...
and titles are just that...if you have feelings invested you run the risk of getting hurt, lables or not


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[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/28mflg8.gif%5b/IMG]


Posted By: EPITOME
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:18pm
i dont see it as trust issues per se. you don't know the man. you earn trust over time. it is not freely given bc of a title.

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I'm from The Wishanicca Woods boo-Dreamz

If you are or have ever been a member of BHM, you are inherently a hoodrat.B


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:19pm
I mean I don't know what to call us then. Like if someone asked me if I was single I would say no I'm seeing someone but I wouldn't say I had a boyfriend. 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:22pm
that makes sense. As for your situation, you shouldnt worry too much about it. Do YOU think you have trust issues? Have you had trust issues with men in the past?

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[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/28mflg8.gif%5b/IMG]


Posted By: Nijjah25
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:23pm
relax hun...it's not even that serious..if you already feel like you have trust issues with him..then yall don't even need to be together..


I think you have some insecurities to work on luv


How long have yall been talkin??


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BIG NOSE .... BIG LIPS....
BUDDA BUP BUP BUHHHHH IM LOVING IT



Posted By: BoutThatLife
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:26pm
You don't have trust issues, you're just not a dumbass.

You have the right to feel however you want, however, you're not official so he can really do what he wants.


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I AM THE AUTHOR OF MY OWN SCRIPT AND I PLAY BY MY RULES.

POSITIVITY + LOVE AND ALL GOOD THINGS SURROUND ME


Posted By: tropical-punch
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:33pm
Make him your man and get rid of these issues. 


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 10:41pm
We've been dealing for about a month and a half. It's still relatively new. No I haven't really had trust issues, I have gotten hurt before but it hasn't really affected the way I interact with the males in my life. This is the first time I've ever felt this way. 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: Jr1127
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 11:06pm
Originally posted by _leah _leah wrote:

I mean I don't know what to call us then. Like if someone asked me if I was single I would say no I'm seeing someone but I wouldn't say I had a boyfriend. 
So the issue is that you don't know were you stand in the relationship?


Posted By: jonesable
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 11:11pm
Just bc it's not official doesn't mean they can't be exclusive.
They agreed on thst

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Never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee
Donne

Havmercy Dez Bryant


Posted By: carolina cutie
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 11:22pm
He didn't use any gender specific pronouns? I know I don't when I know it will bother a bf or treat du jour and create a problem I don't feel like dealing with. I shouldn't do that but it's just easier at the moment.

Anywho, I think you should just ask him so you can stop guessing. Hope it all works out well for the both of you!


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<--Classy & Educated O.

"You're telling us your beefing with your bf's mother over $1 ice cream like it was blood diamonds." RickyR



Posted By: modelbusiness82
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 11:45pm
Originally posted by carolina cutie carolina cutie wrote:

He didn't use any gender specific pronouns? I know I don't when I know it will bother a bf or treat du jour and create a problem I don't feel like dealing with. I shouldn't do that but it's just easier at the moment.

Anywho, I think you should just ask him so you can stop guessing. Hope it all works out well for the both of you!


Agreed, I have done that in the past when I know my guy would get pissed if he thought I was hanging with a random guy that he doesn't know about. Having said that though, you might as well just ask. And then if you get a response you're satisfied with, it's time to take it to the next level and make your thing official. Because you're catching feelings as if you are official, but neither of you seems to want to make the statement that you're really dating 100%.

As long as you leave yourself in relationship purgatory, you leave yourself more open to miscommunications and issues like this.


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digital entertainment marketer -
BASM Blog: www.bigapplestyle.com


Posted By: khivey
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 5:26am
Originally posted by _leah _leah wrote:

We've been dealing for about a month and a half. It's still relatively new. No I haven't really had trust issues, I have gotten hurt before but it hasn't really affected the way I interact with the males in my life. This is the first time I've ever felt this way. 


Was it his idea or mutual to not be official? I ask because a month and a half is so soon to make things exclusive and ya'll aren't even in a relationship. I mean..why does he need to make it official now if he knows he got you on lock without being in one?

Also, I don't think he would bring it up to you if it was anything serious or a female. He could have been testing you by telling you that piece of info to see how you would react as well...or he the friend could have been more and he sensed your hesitation...the fact that he offered to buy you a ticket is one of the oldest tricks in the books..he needs to stop..knowing you aren't going to do all of that hahaha..

I don't know what to tell you at this point..he's already told you it wasn't like that, so I wouldn't bring it up again..I would however rethink this whole exclusive but not in a relationship situation you are in..don't let these dudes have it like that out here. It is okay to backtrack and if he is really feeling you he will step up and make it official, because it sounds like you want to be official, but maybe something was put out there to make you think that a dating situation like this is cool.


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Hair Type:3c/4a
Hair Length:SBL
“The approval of others often forms an essential part of our capacity to think we are right.”


Posted By: afrokock
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 6:38am
Originally posted by EPITOME EPITOME wrote:

i dont see it as trust issues per se. you don't know the man. you earn trust over time. it is not freely given bc of a title.
im the opposite,

i give you trust, and over time you either keep it or lose it

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I just can't stand the negro british midget. He brings out the worst in me.....

...
I sometimes think AfroK is gay and either doesn't know it or won't admit to it..


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 6:49am
Originally posted by afrokock afrokock wrote:

Originally posted by EPITOME EPITOME wrote:

i dont see it as trust issues per se. you don't know the man. you earn trust over time. it is not freely given bc of a title.
im the opposite,

i give you trust, and over time you either keep it or lose it

i think this is so backwards. How much trust can you really give someone you dont know that well. part of getting to know someone is trying to see if they are trust worthy.


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[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/28mflg8.gif%5b/IMG]


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 7:02am
Originally posted by khivey khivey wrote:

Originally posted by _leah _leah wrote:

We've been dealing for about a month and a half. It's still relatively new. No I haven't really had trust issues, I have gotten hurt before but it hasn't really affected the way I interact with the males in my life. This is the first time I've ever felt this way. 


Was it his idea or mutual to not be official? I ask because a month and a half is so soon to make things exclusive and ya'll aren't even in a relationship. I mean..why does he need to make it official now if he knows he got you on lock without being in one?

Also, I don't think he would bring it up to you if it was anything serious or a female. He could have been testing you by telling you that piece of info to see how you would react as well...or he the friend could have been more and he sensed your hesitation...the fact that he offered to buy you a ticket is one of the oldest tricks in the books..he needs to stop..knowing you aren't going to do all of that hahaha..

I don't know what to tell you at this point..he's already told you it wasn't like that, so I wouldn't bring it up again..I would however rethink this whole exclusive but not in a relationship situation you are in..don't let these dudes have it like that out here. It is okay to backtrack and if he is really feeling you he will step up and make it official, because it sounds like you want to be official, but maybe something was put out there to make you think that a dating situation like this is cool.

It was his idea to be official. The conversation went something like

Him: do you think it would be a lot to ask if we didn't have sex or date other people. 

Me: I'd already done that

Him: I'm glad we are on the same page, I really like you blah blah blah

Now I'm really not hung up on not having a title I'm not that girl & I don't think every man is like that I take it as we are making a decision to exclusively date one another to see if we could be serious later on. 


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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 8:42am
After talking to him this morning I think you're right ^^^ eh, you win some you lose some. 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: Tbaby
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 8:51am
But if you 2 are mutually exclusive and agreed to it, that IMO means you are serious already.  I get not being caught up on labels, but it does kind of sound like relationship purgatory as the other poster said.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.   Voice your concerns/uneasiness again--but based on your OP it sounds as if he knows you are uneasy about this and tried to work out a soln to help you.  That's very considerate of him.



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Everyone has a role in life. We all can't be CEO's somebody gotta take the orders at Mickey D's & the KFC's -Jewelsync


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 8:56am
yes OP drop him while there isnt any solid feeling invested. You will thank us later. And DONT let him sucker you back in. just let it go.

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[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/28mflg8.gif%5b/IMG]


Posted By: EasterBell
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 8:58am
Originally posted by Tbaby Tbaby wrote:

But if you 2 are mutually exclusive and agreed to it, that IMO means you are serious already.  I get not being caught up on labels, but it does kind of sound like relationship purgatory as the other poster said.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.   Voice your concerns/uneasiness again--but based on your OP it sounds as if he knows you are uneasy about this and tried to work out a soln to help you.  That's very considerate of him.

This is what I am thinking to.. You all are already BF/GF just without saying it because if you are just dating, he wouldn't say he wanted to be only with you.. You both would be free to do as you feel.. You all are exclusive, which means, in a way, you are serious and you are just hung up on that BF/GF label.. To me, to go exclusive with one means they are the one that you are going to be spending your time with and everybody else can just fall back..
 
I would say, the guy has told you what his plans are in detail. He is being upfront with you and letting you know that you can trust him or ,else, he wouldn't told you anything..
You may be a little insecure and it's kind of understandable due to your past. However, you should communicate with this guy and voice your concerns..


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:01am


^ I sent the first message about 30 minutes before his response. 


Sorry I know I'm divulging a lot of information, but I really do like him and if I'm overreacting I want to know. 


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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: eanaj5
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:01am
How long have you known him for OP?

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[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/28mflg8.gif%5b/IMG]


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:03am
We've known each other for about 5-6 months now but like I don't know how to explain it's not like we talked all the time but one day we just hung out and basically really hit it off. 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: EasterBell
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:06am
Seems like you overthinking it and being insecure..You reading too much into them text. I didn't get the cheating vibe from them messages..LOL
 
Yeah, you need to have a chat with him and express your concerns. Can't really tell much from them text


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 9:50am
Easter you may be right, I've never suffered from insecurity but I can honestly say i feel that way around him because I like him so much it's annoying 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: tasty0619
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:03am
I think it's just you. I and my other gf's have strictly platonic relationships with guys, and would do things like this for each other. When in relationships though we do use non-gender specific words/phrases if we will be around them in a way that may make the SO uncomfortable. 

Honestly, what can you do? Biitch about it? I mean...that's his friend and if they've been friends for a while-you now put your relationship in jeopardy. Or roll with it, yet keep him at arms length and not get too involved until you are sure you can trust him wholeheartedly.

This may not help but...one of the men I grew up with said men would fucc their female friends if given the chance. It's up to the woman to establish that it'll never happen, or that it's a possibility.


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Visit my accessory store to view my handmade designs!! www.etsy.com/shop/modishness


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:19am


&& this was the conversation last night after he told me they were going to the beach early in this morning and the person was traveling about 2 hours to see him. 


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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: EasterBell
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:26am
Yeah, you found someone that, with time, you can truly fall for, which is probably why you are having those feelings.  Yeah, seems like, for now, he is being honest and trying to let you know you can trust him..
LOL @ you saying that you ain't worried but you on BHM posting about trust issues..LOL
 
Just communicate with him..


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:27am
okay good to know Lol thanks guys, this was going to drive me cray cray lol 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:28am
probably not, we live relatively far from each other so we really only see each other on weekends anyway. 

I know y'all I'm just bugging right now lol 


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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: EasterBell
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:28am
Originally posted by SamoneLenior SamoneLenior wrote:


you have trust issues with him

you say it stems from past relationships so I get that

that fact that you are posting texts (no shade) shows that you need to be reassured by others that all is on the up and up

if he wasn't away, would you still feel like this?

I mean say yall just didn't see each other for 4 days (still in the same city though)....would you think he was "cheating"
good points..


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:31am
but i completely agree with samone on your point about being reassured, its been a long time since i've really liked someone and I do want to be sure that im not wasting my time. 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:32am
yeah if 2-3 weekends went by id be like wtf son lol

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:34am
thanks hun!! Hug & everyone else for the advice as well.. 

Thread done lol 


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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.


Posted By: Tbaby
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 10:48am
Originally posted by _leah _leah wrote:

but i completely agree with samone on your point about being reassured, its been a long time since i've really liked someone and I do want to be sure that im not wasting my time. 


You can never be sure about anyone that you are dating if they are going to break your heart tomorrow vs 6 mos from now.  Love is risky, that's what makes it thrilling. LOL

You weigh the risks, and decide if this guy has proved to you that he's trustworthy or not.
 


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Everyone has a role in life. We all can't be CEO's somebody gotta take the orders at Mickey D's & the KFC's -Jewelsync


Posted By: tropical-punch
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 11:15am
If you really like this man, don't be afraid to ask him questions. Sounds like you are scared of the answer. Do you not want to become bf/gf in the future? Sounds like you're going to let things go without even really knowing everything.


Posted By: _leah
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 11:18am
tropical I am being a scaredy cat lol, i don't want to hear that his friend might be a girl. And I don't want to ask questions that are too invasive to the point of him thinking I don't trust him or I'm overly insecure for the fact that I DO want it to develop into something more in the future.. but I am very guilty of cutting things off if i get scared. 

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"lol thats not BABY hair , thats grown up hair , that moved out into a place of her own with childern ."

By the grace of God, I am a complete woman.



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