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Do second chances work?

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Category: Lets Talk
Forum Name: Relationships
Forum Description: Single, Married, Dating, or Other, Lets Talk About It.
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Printed Date: Oct 18 2017 at 9:07pm


Topic: Do second chances work?
Posted By: losingcomposure
Subject: Do second chances work?
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 12:34am
I got cheated on and haven't let go yet.
I keep thinking about it. One minute I say I can move on, the next I want to give him another chance.
But I dont know how or if I even should..

We still talk.. Everyday.
Some days I back off & he does notice.
It's messing with my head so much. I dont know whether to leave him alone or
try again.


Has anyone been in this situation? Did u give it another try? Did it work out or no?



Replies:
Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 12:48am
You asking someone besides yourself means you already know the answer is NO!

Hon, all we can do is confirm what you already know. Plus that bastard did YOU dirty.

So why are YOU gonna give him a second chance? All that's gonna show is he can play you but you'll be back. Be stronger than that; you deserve better.

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Posted By: Midna
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 12:49am
And please leave that man until you are sure you're over him.

You are hurting; you are emotionally weak because if his betrayal. Cut him off and heal your wounds.

Let time heal you. The person who harmed you can't heal you, hun.

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Posted By: Lady ICE
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 4:30am
the answer is no. dont even think about giving him another chance. there is a good chance he'll be like "oooooh yeaaah i got away with it" and could still be doing the same thing the next day.

be strong. let him go. move on with your life. you deserve better. anyone who cheats on you, lets you know...that person is not meant for you.




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Posted By: khivey
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 7:57am
Yes, if he is attached to your hip every day, all day with the exception of work. But do you seriously want to have to babysit a nucca just to be sure he won't cheat again?

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Hair Type:3c/4a
Hair Length:SBL
“The approval of others often forms an essential part of our capacity to think we are right.”


Posted By: bubblyboo
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 4:43pm
I'm going to go against the masses and say yes people do deserve a second chance. HOWEVER, and I must stress this... You should only approach this is you are engaged or married or unless he is the one. If hes just some random boyfriend that you've been with for a short time then please do not put yourself through all that. Its not worth it. Only relationships of substance are worth the effort and emotional wreck that ensues after an affair. I mean every persons circumstances are different so its really hard to say. If he cheated on you multiple times then no, you should let it go. However, if it was truly (i mean truly without a doubt) just a one time thing, then yes may deserve a second chance. I don't believe that crap about once a cheater always a cheater. We are human. Its not in our nature to be perfect and yes people do make mistakes. Only you know the detail of the cheating and you will only be able to decide. 

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Cry me a river d*@kface you just got yourself another one!


Posted By: VanessaMB
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 9:14pm
I agree with bubbly 100%


Posted By: GLAMAFROMNY
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 9:48pm
Leave, your mind will never be at peace while in a relationship with a cheater!

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GOD 1st!


Posted By: nw45
Date Posted: Nov 23 2012 at 10:35pm
hell no


Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Nov 24 2012 at 2:33am
In my experience though .. once a cheater .. always a cheater.
 
It doesn't matter if it's a short or a long term relationship .. you will go through years and years of hell trying to get him to act right (the mistrust, the jealously, the insecurity etc.) .. and in the end, it doesn't work out anyway - so what was the point? You could have left 10 years earlier and spent the last 9 years in a happy relationship ... with someone  else!
 
If not with someone else .. you could have spent that time investing in yourself - physically and emotionally so that you can be confident and happy standing on your own two feet!
 
I get sooooo sick of these weak women trapped in these dysfunctional relationships like THAT guy is the last guy on earth and if it does not work out ... they will never be will another guy and gosh they can't live if they are NOT in a relationship.
 
Move on.
 
Plenty of decent guys out there - why are you spinning your wheels with  this one guy?


Posted By: Emily Loretta
Date Posted: Nov 25 2012 at 7:31am
Yes! Second chances can work out, just got to give the to the right people...you might be pleasantly surprise. And if your asking here then you're already thinking of taking that step. Good luck...Big smile


Posted By: Spokenword
Date Posted: Nov 25 2012 at 1:20pm
second chances could (but very rarely) work but at least make the man WORK to earn your trust.  if he cheated, he should know that he does not get the opportunity to talk to you everyday. Are you guys having sex? did he say he wants you back? how long were you two together?
 
i want to tell you to move on, but it sounds like you may be giving him a chance. so if you do, i think that its important that you at least let him know that cheating was not ok by falling back. Even if you do decide to give him another chance you should really allow him to sweat a little and work to earn you back. if he does not put in the work....then that should tell you what you need to know.
 
you always take chances in going back to exes, especially if they cheated so be careful and good luck with whatever you decide.  i don't know if i could feel comfortable and trust a man who cheated on me. i don't like the feeling of uncertainty. and for this, wouldn't be able to look at him the same. but each person is different, do what is best for you. take it as a learning lesson whichever way you go.
 


Posted By: Spokenword
Date Posted: Nov 25 2012 at 1:38pm
meant to ask, why do you want to give him another chance? what do you think will change? what has he done to show you that things will be different this time?


Posted By: Twisted_Angel
Date Posted: Nov 27 2012 at 11:30pm
There are exceptions

but cheating..

NONONONONO please!! No

no sweetie let him go your only torturing yourself

once a person shows your their true colors.....like cheating.....let them be because if you go back to him he's just going to show you his true colors again.

sweetheart if a person cheats on you, they never cared about you.

just you speaking to him everyday, in his mind hes like...wow i f**** another chick and i got away with it, and so in his  mind is okay to continue with it because your accepting it.

A relationship is nothing without trust and I tried staying with somebody that cheated on me, but is not worth it, as soon as they walk out the door, answer the phone, email etc, in the back of your mind you will always wonder if they are up to something. Its going to drive you insane.

You don't want to be with someone you can't trust you don't want that stress in your life.

let him go...





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Posted By: missdeeluxe
Date Posted: Nov 28 2012 at 8:50pm
Yes!
I'm a firm believer that people CAN change, if they choose to.

My boyfriend and I split the first time because things had started to go south and I started talking to an ex of mine briefly (liked the attention, didn't get it from the bf, was purely emotional) things ended and we spent some time a part but we ended up back together.
I've been together almost a year and a half now after everything and we're better than ever.

That trust needs to be earned back and that takes time.
Both parties need to be willing to try their hardest.

Good luck!


Posted By: ariahoney
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 2:29pm
Yes, Yes and YES!!! to all those who believe in the statement.."I'm a firm believer that people CAN change" Listen my ladies and gents if you are listening, so long as you have a heart and sometimes make or have made mistakes yourself in your relationship, whether it is or was plutonic or even intimate, and remember that there is such a thing called Karma. Just as missdeeluxe said, if both parties are willing to work their damn hardest to make it work, believe me it never fails to work. The problem is that either one or both party feels so much hurt and pain that he or she is just not willing to to give any thought of working things out.



Posted By: ariahoney
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 2:30pm
Here's my thing, if you know in your heart that this person can, is committed and willing to change for the better, DO NOT LOOK THE OTHER WAY HONEY! We can all babble and ramble on about our respective opinions but do not let your heart and the experience you have had with this person be cast aside because you decided to take up some advise from your trusted BHM Members. Some of us are currently in relationships too and some of us are not for  reasons that could very welll be our own doing. You have to trust not only your heart but most importantly, will he or she change to make you happy, love you and live with you happily ever after, if thats where you intend your relationship to go.



Posted By: ariahoney
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 2:31pm
If the person is builder or a coaster, just remember that builders can make mistakes too, they are not perfect, they are human just like you and I. I have learned and read that in practically most relationships, when one party says 'that's it I've had enough, I cannot do this anymore' is when often most men and less of ladies, decide to take that relationship 'Seriously'. So Honey, you can now be in the driving seat and literally guide your ship from port to port, docks to docks, and around the World if that's your desire. All those that said 'Hell No!' are telling you from their respective experiences so, would it really be fair for you to judge your relationship based on other people's failed relationship and experiences? absolutely not!!!!



Posted By: ariahoney
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 2:32pm
If a microscopic part of you still loves that person and you know in your heart that this person can and will change "Let There Be Love Honey" because life is too short and this is human nature. Honey, I would say that you should not allow your hurt and pain turn into distraction where you potentially turn away from someone who might actually be the ONE!Trust me Honey, there are sooooooo many out there who let that potential person go and BELIEVE Me they live and continue to regret it...The ONE doesn't fall on your lap Honey, the ONE is that person willing to fight to let you know that YOU! are the ONE. And sometimes, that 2ND Chance is often what always ignites that turbo engine, and you guys will be jetting off to Venus, Mars, Pluto, Real Talk Honey.Description: Thumbs Up



Posted By: ariahoney
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 2:32pm

I am a firm believer in 2ND Chances, even if your partner does not believe in it, someone has to be the bigger person in ANY relationship Honey, because without it, that relationship is definitely doom to go the same route as the Titanic. I am not saying be the fool, OH HA HEEEELLL NO! Lay down some ground rules, some considerate ones and a few seriously outrageous ones just to test this person's willingness and commitment to YOU. You do not have to implement the outrageous ones, it is just to let the person know that you are taking charge of certain aspects of your relationship. If the person accepts your terms, Honey, let there be a 2ND Chance. As women, all too often we allow so much our emotions to dictate a lot of our decisions. And too many damn times relationships, what we are looking for is usually right in front of us or beside us but, when you are blinded by heart breaks, heart aches and the constant thought of it, well, the combination becomes a bad recipe for any kitchen....Real Talk! So, basically what I am trying to say is...look at him or her, pity him or her, and give that 2ND Chance to show that you heart is bigger and Larger than LIFE itself...and you will most likely not regret it tooDescription: Hug



Posted By: losingcomposure
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 3:58pm
Damn aria.


Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 4:49pm
Originally posted by missdeeluxe missdeeluxe wrote:

Yes!
I'm a firm believer that people CAN change, if they choose to.

My boyfriend and I split the first time because things had started to go south and I started talking to an ex of mine briefly (liked the attention, didn't get it from the bf, was purely emotional) things ended and we spent some time a part but we ended up back together.
I've been together almost a year and a half now after everything and we're better than ever.

That trust needs to be earned back and that takes time.
Both parties need to be willing to try their hardest.

Good luck!
Ummm sorry but a year and a half back with a guy that cheated on you .. does not mean that it 'worked out'. Exclamation
 
'Worked out' means it has been good for at least 20 years.
 
But I reiterate - once a cheater.. always a cheater - I would never take a cheater back into my life. What would be his motivation to stop this behaviour if he knows that in the end ... he will get you back?
 
Aria.. that is overboard. Wacko Cheating has nothing to do with karma and being the bigger person and working together on the relationship or any of those other things you mentioned. Those kinds of things apply when the relationship falls apart for other reasons.
 
But .. if your man can't keep it in his pants .. if he's lying and cheating ... well you've just got a dog on your hands (that's likely to give you an STD). Get real.Shocked


Posted By: ariahoney
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 5:48pm
Once a cheater - always a cheater? That is just not true. Please do not take a few lines here and a quote there out of my post to justify your opinion, not cool - not right. Anyone, Hell Anybody, can change, if they want to and make a conscious choice to do so. Because someone cheated does not mean they cannot change, ah Hell No. I am not justifying a cheater's actions, do not misunderstand that Fact! Read my post in its entirety and those who recognize and understand it as it has been simplified for all y'all viewing, will clap and say..Preach Sister!! Tell! the congregation now..going naH! Hate it or Love it but Honey it is factual and actual. I very much recognize the dangers of STDs, that Honey you are soooo on the money, but I just wanted to layeth the smaketh down on the whole 2ND Chance thang. So SISTERS! if your man cheated on you now or in the future, I am saying think, review, rewind and determine if there is a future for the both of you. Look if you are between the age of 18 - 25yrs and your man cheated, it ain't impossible that he would not do it again and it is equally not impossible that he or she cannot change if that person feels that you are worth the change. However, if you and your other half are above 25yrs, Honey, you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally need to think extra hard because neither of you are getting younger. There might be plenty of fishes in the sea as they say, BUT if the DEVIL you know can TRUELY Change, for Gods sake give em a 2ND Chance bcos, more often than most, that relationship eventually last a test of time, bcos you know one another's weaknesses and strengths and can then use that to completely rebuild and evolutionize your relationship. Reeeeeeeeal Talk.
Hey Honey, if it did not work for you, do not hate on others for whom it works for. Again...Congre - ga - tion, Real Talk


Posted By: Majesty02
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 6:01pm
Sometimes second chances do work........ But in your situation, I think you should move on. I know it'll be hard at first, but you have to cease contact with him. How do you expect to get over him if you talk to each other every day?

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Proud West Indian ! Caribbean posse!


Posted By: cvzx
Date Posted: Dec 01 2012 at 7:00pm
I like this topic, there's a lot of opinions.



Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 9:32am
Originally posted by ariahoney ariahoney wrote:

Once a cheater - always a cheater? That is just not true. Please do not take a few lines here and a quote there out of my post to justify your opinion, not cool - not right. Anyone, Hell Anybody, can change, if they want to and make a conscious choice to do so. Because someone cheated does not mean they cannot change, ah Hell No. I am not justifying a cheater's actions, do not misunderstand that Fact! Read my post in its entirety and those who recognize and understand it as it has been simplified for all y'all viewing, will clap and say..Preach Sister!! Tell! the congregation now..going naH! Hate it or Love it but Honey it is factual and actual. I very much recognize the dangers of STDs, that Honey you are soooo on the money, but I just wanted to layeth the smaketh down on the whole 2ND Chance thang. So SISTERS! if your man cheated on you now or in the future, I am saying think, review, rewind and determine if there is a future for the both of you. Look if you are between the age of 18 - 25yrs and your man cheated, it ain't impossible that he would not do it again and it is equally not impossible that he or she cannot change if that person feels that you are worth the change. However, if you and your other half are above 25yrs, Honey, you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally need to think extra hard because neither of you are getting younger. There might be plenty of fishes in the sea as they say, BUT if the DEVIL you know can TRUELY Change, for Gods sake give em a 2ND Chance bcos, more often than most, that relationship eventually last a test of time, bcos you know one another's weaknesses and strengths and can then use that to completely rebuild and evolutionize your relationship. Reeeeeeeeal Talk.
Hey Honey, if it did not work for you, do not hate on others for whom it works for. Again...Congre - ga - tion, Real Talk
Aria you sound very .. young.
 
People CAN change if they want to ... except cheaters. If you take a cheater back - again, what is his motivation to ever change? He has none. He gets to have his cake .. and eat it too.
 
You don't get it. It's not about YOU and it's not about if he feels YOU are worth it - it's about him.  DUH! Confused
 
Well, like they say .. 'it's a shame that youth is so wasted on the young'. Confused
 
Good luck with that.


Posted By: BoutThatLife
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 12:34pm
The thing about cheaters is that they won't change, at least not with the person they cheated on.

I say this as someone who's been cheated on and someone who's cheated herself. Once you've gotten away with it, you keep doing it till you get caught. And if you get caught, forgiven and taken back by your foolishly in love doormat of a partner, you keep creeping, just get sneakier about it. Why would you stop doing something you wanna do? You already dgaf about how your man/woman feels and you know they're weak enough to take you back anyway.

You loose respect for the person who takes you back, you almost look at the person like their a punk.

Sorry but if you take your man back after cheating he's not gonna stop. You can believe whatever you want to make yourself feel okay with the situation but a cheater gon cheat.

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I AM THE AUTHOR OF MY OWN SCRIPT AND I PLAY BY MY RULES.

POSITIVITY + LOVE AND ALL GOOD THINGS SURROUND ME


Posted By: sexyandfamous
Date Posted: Dec 02 2012 at 1:37pm
I don't think in his case there's a change. He cheated and now talks to you everyday...he just wants to know if he's still in your mind.
You should take a break from this everyday chat with him and see what how you really feel about him. Maybe you're just nostalgic. Maybe you're needy, maybe you do miss him, which is normal since you were dating him but you need time for yourself to reevaluate everything.


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hip measured is from fullest part on butt:
start: 32C-24-35

http://24.media.tumblr.com/9bbbc000b1aa15d0337a651ec6e3f36c/tumblr_n1g94wvCbW1rk74v1o1_400.gif

http://i63.tinypic.com/2hn7ui0.jpg


Posted By: Becky
Date Posted: Dec 03 2012 at 9:12am
Originally posted by BoutThatLife BoutThatLife wrote:

The thing about cheaters is that they won't change, at least not with the person they cheated on.

I say this as someone who's been cheated on and someone who's cheated herself. Once you've gotten away with it, you keep doing it till you get caught. And if you get caught, forgiven and taken back by your foolishly in love doormat of a partner, you keep creeping, just get sneakier about it. Why would you stop doing something you wanna do? You already dgaf about how your man/woman feels and you know they're weak enough to take you back anyway.

You loose respect for the person who takes you back, you almost look at the person like their a punk.

Sorry but if you take your man back after cheating he's not gonna stop. You can believe whatever you want to make yourself feel okay with the situation but a cheater gon cheat.
 
 
Agreed.
 
You TEACH people how to treat you so ... what you are teaching this guy about how he can treat you?
 
Two things:
 
He has to have respect for you and more importantly ... you have to have respect FOR YOURSELF! DUH!


Posted By: ifeyini
Date Posted: Dec 16 2012 at 3:16pm
Second chances dont work

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Tweet me @netteo81 and check out my weightloss blog at http://ifeyini.blogspot.com


Posted By: Beautiful_One
Date Posted: Dec 18 2012 at 9:02pm
Nope doesnt work!


Posted By: missdeeluxe
Date Posted: Dec 19 2012 at 9:43am
Originally posted by Becky Becky wrote:

Originally posted by missdeeluxe missdeeluxe wrote:

Yes!
I'm a firm believer that people CAN change, if they choose to.

My boyfriend and I split the first time because things had started to go south and I started talking to an ex of mine briefly (liked the attention, didn't get it from the bf, was purely emotional) things ended and we spent some time a part but we ended up back together.
We've been together almost a year and a half now after everything and we're better than ever.

That trust needs to be earned back and that takes time.
Both parties need to be willing to try their hardest.

Good luck!
Ummm sorry but a year and a half back with a guy that cheated on you .. does not mean that it 'worked out'. Exclamation
 
'Worked out' means it has been good for at least 20 years.

He never cheated.

Maybe it'll be 20 years, maybe it won't.
I have no way of knowing.
But we've been solid at one and a half thus far.

I'm just putting a positive spin on the topic.


Posted By: Over_all
Date Posted: Dec 19 2012 at 2:30pm
It can work but the person that's been cheated has to know you mean buisness.. The cheater has to be truly regretful and things will have to move forward... You can't keep harping on or thinking about it or making excuses for this person that cheated to be that bad guy that you've painted them to be.. It's either you can live with it or you can't.. And if you can't leave.. People cheat for different reasons & it's not always because men are dogs and or women are whores.. 


Posted By: mamalicious
Date Posted: Dec 21 2012 at 10:00am
Yes, but he have to be remorseful for what he did. My husband of 8 years cheated on me( I didn't see but my feelings and his actions brought me to that conclusion) I packed up my stuff took my kids and left. He kept on calling and crying for forgiveness, so I came back 3 months later. I told him I'm not his doormat. Next time will be for good


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Start 103-27-34
Current 130-28-40
Goal 150-25-40+


Posted By: naturalhaitian
Date Posted: Jan 08 2013 at 11:29am
Dont do it to yourself, It doesnt work, the trust is gone, but the best way to move on is to find another. Go with bubbly answer.


Posted By: mtownchick
Date Posted: Jan 27 2013 at 12:30am
You have to do what is best for you. If you want to give him a second chance, do it. If not, dont. If you live your life conforming to what others think of YOUR situation, then you are prone to self-destruction. Live your life for your own outcomes and testimonies.

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"Don't waste the pretty" -moi


Posted By: phattrabbit
Date Posted: Jan 29 2013 at 10:24am
Fall back from him for a while...6 months maybe. It is too soon for u to determine whether u want/need to give him another chance. In 6 mos. u may b totally over it and be ready to move on and start anew, whether single or with someone new.  But right now u still miss him and are feeling nostalgic. That is always how it is when u have been with someone everyday then all of a sudden they're out of your life.


Posted By: Beauty620
Date Posted: Jan 30 2013 at 12:58pm
I know i'm super late....but not knowing what to do...one minute your around him the next minute your distant could lead to mixed signals which means it really won't work out even if you try in the long run. 

So I say go with your heart, if you feel you should move on then hunni run, never second guess yourself because 9x outta 10 you were probably right. 

Good luck if you still going thru this dilemma.Wink


Posted By: scox89
Date Posted: Jan 31 2013 at 1:30pm
Originally posted by Becky Becky wrote:

Originally posted by ariahoney ariahoney wrote:

Once a cheater - always a cheater? That is just not true. Please do not take a few lines here and a quote there out of my post to justify your opinion, not cool - not right. Anyone, Hell Anybody, can change, if they want to and make a conscious choice to do so. Because someone cheated does not mean they cannot change, ah Hell No. I am not justifying a cheater's actions, do not misunderstand that Fact! Read my post in its entirety and those who recognize and understand it as it has been simplified for all y'all viewing, will clap and say..Preach Sister!! Tell! the congregation now..going naH! Hate it or Love it but Honey it is factual and actual. I very much recognize the dangers of STDs, that Honey you are soooo on the money, but I just wanted to layeth the smaketh down on the whole 2ND Chance thang. So SISTERS! if your man cheated on you now or in the future, I am saying think, review, rewind and determine if there is a future for the both of you. Look if you are between the age of 18 - 25yrs and your man cheated, it ain't impossible that he would not do it again and it is equally not impossible that he or she cannot change if that person feels that you are worth the change. However, if you and your other half are above 25yrs, Honey, you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally need to think extra hard because neither of you are getting younger. There might be plenty of fishes in the sea as they say, BUT if the DEVIL you know can TRUELY Change, for Gods sake give em a 2ND Chance bcos, more often than most, that relationship eventually last a test of time, bcos you know one another's weaknesses and strengths and can then use that to completely rebuild and evolutionize your relationship. Reeeeeeeeal Talk.
Hey Honey, if it did not work for you, do not hate on others for whom it works for. Again...Congre - ga - tion, Real Talk
Aria you sound very .. young.
 
People CAN change if they want to ... except cheaters. If you take a cheater back - again, what is his motivation to ever change? He has none. He gets to have his cake .. and eat it too.
 
You don't get it. It's not about YOU and it's not about if he feels YOU are worth it - it's about him.  DUH! Confused
 
Well, like they say .. 'it's a shame that youth is so wasted on the young'. Confused
 
Good luck with that.
That isn't true. Once the reason for repetitive cheating is recognized, a cheater can in FACT change their behavior. I was a chronic cheater. Every relationship. I mean EVERY relationship, even in my marriage, I cheated. It took for me to realize how much hurt i caused my spouse, and for me to ask myself WHY do i feel the need to do that, before I got myself together. Anyone can do anything if they want to, and if they keep their faith. I know i have. you can't just throw all cheaters into a box. that's like throwing all black people into a box and stating once on welfare, always on welfare. not true. when people realize how far they've fallen, most will do their best to get up and not fall down again



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