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My dumb friend....

 
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Printer_Ink View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 9:43am
Well, I will continue to call this woman – stupid.

I am the one who said she probably learned this crap from her family etc so thinks it’s normal to be in deadend ‘relationships’ like this. White women have the exact same problem btw … so it’s not that AA women are to be so pitied because they have the low self-esteem problems because of ‘the system’. 

AAs can’t keep playing that card for every daggone thing that goes wrong on their lives .. forever.

What? Are we all so stupid that we can’t figure it out? We all have to take responsibly for our choices or else we are the same as the slaves our ancestors used to be. AAs can go for therapy .. read books etc… they have what is termed ‘free will’.

They all have to pull up their big girl panties like big girls and get a GRIP. Otherwise they will bred another generation of AA women that stay with abusive men .. who will ALSO blame their Féd up situation on ‘the system’ So then generation after generation this will go on … and no one ever has to take RESPONSIBILTY for their choices. This would be a helpless slave mentality IMO where AA woman no choice.

Sorry but AA women need to be encouraged to snap the heck out if it and stop ‘using’ the fact that they are Black and have low self-esteem issues to explain why they are doing these self destructive things.

Second 'the system' is absolutely NEVER gonna change to Black folks that sitting around waiting for the White man to fix the system so that they can be okay ... are spinning their wheel.You have to help yourself in this world.

(And btw I am AA and I don’t have these self-esteem issues – and neither do a lot of my friends so yes, this stuff sound pitiful.)

The OP says she HAS tried to help her, support her etc .. but nothing works so in the end is dumb or stupid or any terms you want to use but hey, how can it be HER job to help resolve these self-esteem issues that her friend is carrying around?

Everybody’s got to carry their OWN ba ge.

Her friend needs a Therapist ... not someone to tell her .. it’s not her fault – it ‘the system’ that’s caused her to layup with that loser.

STUPID.


Edited by Printer_Ink - Apr 23 2014 at 9:47am
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Derri View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:01am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:08am
Some people choose to keep love to themselves, some choose to share. The freedom to act upon desire is the gift of life itself. Do as thou may.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:16am
@Derri, the OP tried to be friends with her but she actually got tired of the whole convo about the guy. Her friend did let go of the guy but went back to him. They are friends for years, but her friend just wants to discuss the guy, that's what their friendship has become, which sounds quite boring.

But I get what you saying about being conditioned... her friend hasn't learned to love herself first.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:29am
Yes, I read and understood the entire previous 5 pages.

Did trigger words upset some ppl? Trigger words being system, poison, etc?
Hey, get mad at the facts, then.

But was my humble opinion (as in, i wasn't really asking for an opinion on my opinion) read and understood?

i mentioned taking a different approach. That's what the skinning a cat reference was about. I also mentioned taking a back seat for her own emotional sanity if she needed. Hell, the OP could stop being friends with her friend all she wants.



By the way, i am not an African American. Guess what? That system of physical and mental slavery for the purpose of resource/economic control didn't just happen in America.

Anyway, my suggestion was to stop kicking a victim of (multiple kinds of) conditioning. Where did we lose our tradition of womanhood? Or should I say YOU AA?? That would be low and weird, wouldn't it?
But based on this all man for himself ideology, it seems that would be best (Sarcasm because I know better).

My only suggestion was to stop tearing this woman's self esteem down further, and to be willing to love her when she is ready for a change. Next time i'll make sure to skip over threads like these. Goodbye cruel board.


Lol it sucks having to put a disclaimer on sarcasm.




Edited by Derri - Apr 23 2014 at 10:35am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 10:42am

I miss life everytime I try to convince someone to think like me.
Variety is the spice of life, and I offered another option to the OP. If something that I said stands out to her because she finds it helpful then that's fine, but if not then it is just as fine. No sweat off either of our backs.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 1:40pm
Derri, what do you suggest to help a woman in a situation like the OP's friend?
It's hard to help someone who doesn't want be helped or doesn't seem anything wrong with their situation.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 23 2014 at 4:29pm
sexyandfamous, I have a very close friend who is basically my sister; we've been through so much together.
She met someone who right from the start I could tell was all about mind games. I mean this person was everything a manipulative, destructive and toxic person could be. This person did not like me very much, but I was their target first, but they failed to manipulate me. I peeped the game very early and I don't have the right personality type. This person is the type to carry around The Art of Seduction with them.

Longggggggg painful story short, my friend ended up in a three yr romantic relationship with this person. Our friendship grew and was wonderful because my friend is a very loving and kind person, but I was so sick of her calling me crying her eyes out. For example, I remember like it was yesterday, it was a beautiful summer day and they went out at the park with friends. I too went out that day to enjoy the weather, and she calls me like she is having a heart attack. Her SO tells her she is fat and getting ugly. Mind you, my friend is slim and sexy. The tactic was to break her self esteem and such, you know? This went on for the entire relationship. The person did have some seemingly attractive qualities like a very compelling personality, a social butterfly, just a straight charmer...and arguably one of the most popular young people in my city today!

Anyhow, one night she called me with the usual sob story. No matter how much good advice I gave her, my shoulder, my blouse to wipe her tears, she still stuck around in this relationship. I was fed up that night, I told her that if she wants to be this person's wet rag that they mop up the floor with then it is her choice, but I was through hearing about it!

I didn't know it at the time (because I was too in my own feelings to notice) that this hurt my friend deeply. I was very unconscious back then about just how my words and actions affect the people around me. I figured, she's just my friend and knows that I'm the tough love kind of chic, you know?

She rarely mentioned the abusive relationship after that, and she still went on being an amazing sister-friend to me. And I did love her deeply, I just was more of the victim than she, apparently.
She was still being hurt in this relationship, only now she had no one to tell. Her family was VERY against this relationship and pretty much said, do you boo, and she couldn't tell anyone else all of the details of this relationship due to other complicated reasons.

I regret the cold way I spoke to her about her relationship. We've talked about it and she jokes that I could be such a jackass. Well, I was. I've grown a lot since. I am way more sensitive to other peoples' pain, as I've had lots of my own since.

If I could rewind time and live that night over again, I'd be honest with my friend. I'd tell her that her pain hurts me so deeply. That I hate that she is wasting her time with such a POS while we could be enjoying our youth, or meeting someone truly special, but that I know pain and learning oftentimes go hand in hand. That I recognize and understand that she needs to experience life on her terms, do things her way, even if it may be a choice she regrets. It's her choice and I know how much she likes to exercise her freedom to choose, and that freedom of choice is the gift of life! I should never try to impose on someone's freedom to choose a certain experience for them.

What I've learned over the years is that freedom to choose is imperative for life. Especially her and I, we HATE being controlled. In hindsight, perhaps the more people told her to leave that relationship is the more she held on partially because she was being told what to do. (We were teens and younger adults at the time so this is important to note. However, many people struggle with this issue well into adulthood due to unresolved childhood issues etc.)

Well anyhow, she continued that relationship (and I continued to SMH every time she mentioned it in passing that they went here or there, or when I saw them together) and it was so awkward in person when I bumped into them because we were really close, while her SO would say things like ' I really don't like that chic, Derri'

One day, she told me she left the relationship. That she'd had enough and didn't want it anymore because it is not good for her.  That moment, a light bulb went off for me. This chic just didn't WANT to. That became a theme in my life ever since. More and more, I realized that everyone does what they want to do. People rarely do the things they do not want to do because seeking pleasure is a big part of the society we live in.
 I have to make a conscious effort to do the things that are necessary but bring me zero pleasure. That's the major problem, I've found. We are attached to pleasure. We seek our identity in pleasure, even.

Anyhow, it was that simple. When she wanted to leave she left. Many things cause people to want change. It usually happens when the pleasure no longer outweighs the pain, and for everyone this threshold is different. People think differently, and that is what makes the world go round.

I was there when my friend was ready to move on. I was the first one inviting her out to celebrate HER choices, HER  freedom--not mine. This was HER emancipation.

(I've since had my own and of course, like a true friend, she was right there with me, cheering me on!!!)

That situation brought us even closer. I saw her at her worst, and got to witness someone rise from the ashes and say, yo! I'm in this life and I want to experience something else! I saw her transform. I saw her come out of her awkward teens and into the confident and beautiful woman she is today. My sister, my friend.

We look back on that situation sometimes and we say, yo that was a dark time for everyone. Then we have a toast to growth and to life. The truth is, that relationship was the catalyst for her personal development and love for herself. It forced her to face some issues she probably was not even aware she had, and most importantly, it set in motion the life she has and person she is now. Which is just awesome.

But that is to be expected (in hindsight). Life gives us circumstances where we get a chance to either develop our weakness and turn them into strengths, or to use our gifts and talents to serve others.


(Every situation is not the same. If my friend was being physically abused I'd never have sat back and said nothing after a while.

But it was more emotional and verbal abuse that I essentially could not do much about. )

All I can say is, no man is an island. I'm happy that I never abandoned my friend, though I said some jerk things to her when I was too in my feelings about HER experiences.

Anyhow, I didn't judge too much. I tried not to anyway. And We've got each others back no matter what! That's my roadie and I could never throw a real friend and sister away.






Edited by Derri - Apr 23 2014 at 4:48pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beauty620 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 8:38am
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

sexyandfamous,




If I could rewind time and live that night over again, I'd be honest with my friend. I'd tell her that her pain hurts me so deeply. That I hate that she is wasting her time with such a POS while we could be enjoying our youth, or meeting someone truly special, but that I know pain and learning oftentimes go hand in hand. That I recognize and understand that she needs to experience life on her terms, do things her way, even if it may be a choice she regrets. It's her choice and I know how much she likes to exercise her freedom to choose, and that freedom of choice is the gift of life! I should never try to impose on someone's freedom to choose a certain experience for them.

What I've learned over the years is that freedom to choose is imperative for life. Especially her and I, we HATE being controlled. In hindsight, perhaps the more people told her to leave that relationship is the more she held on partially because she was being told what to do. (We were teens and younger adults at the time so this is important to note. However, many people struggle with this issue well into adulthood due to unresolved childhood issues etc.)


All I can say is, no man is an island. I'm happy that I never abandoned my friend, though I said some jerk things to her when I was too in my feelings about HER experiences.

Anyhow, I didn't judge too much. I tried not to anyway. And We've got each others back no matter what! That's my roadie and I could never throw a real friend and sister away.





Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.....however I have tried many many times to talk to my friend....but she is in love and blind. In the past I was on her team for a long time, but after awhile (YEARS) you get fed up of listening to this mess, it has become a cycle. I've been by her side this whole time....was her listening ear, advice giver, when she cried I was there to comfort her and made her feel better about her situations. 

UPDATE:!!!!!  I even called her yesterday just to see how she was because we really haven't been talking like that......And she went on bragging about how she told him she's not waiting anymore and he will need to make a decision (which she has said to him numerous times) so he then went on to tell her he is leaving his bm to be with her, he's going to come live with her, and they will get married as soon as he come back..im assuming within the next two weeks. I told her like look, this is a cycle and I asked her what is she going to do when he packs up once again and goes to be with the mother of his children....she said then she'll be done. But i've heard this same story over and over again ain't a damn thing changed. Confused

....SO ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.....I will no longer be there to listen to the BS anymore, NOT ON IT.....SHE'LL HAVE TO GET THRU THIS ON HER OWN, AND IF YOU LOOK AT IT AS I'M BEING MEAN OR I'M NOT A TRUE FRIEND THEN SO BE IT. She is about to be 33 years old, she should know better. I'm not about to hold her hand along the way that woman is grown, she can make her own decisions of course, but not everyone will tolerate the bs or even want to continue to hear about that sad case period. I've heard enough, I have my own problems to deal with. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beauty620 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Apr 24 2014 at 8:52am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:



The OP says she HAS tried to help her, support her etc .. but nothing works so in the end is dumb or stupid or any terms you want to use but hey, how can it be HER job to help resolve these self-esteem issues that her friend is carrying around?

Everybody’s got to carry their OWN ba ge.

Her friend needs a Therapist ... not someone to tell her .. it’s not her fault – it ‘the system’ that’s caused her to layup with that loser.

STUPID.

ClapClapClapClapClap My point exactly!  Thumbs UpApprove
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