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My boyfriend still loves his wife... *mini update

 
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Printer_Ink View Drop Down
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Originally posted by preciousone86 preciousone86 wrote:

Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

Well, you had to learn what the rest of us already know which is that .. getting involved with a married man (for ANY reason) is a bad idea. BAD. Now you have a child that is the product of this mess that has to live rest of her/his life knowing this ... which will help enable her/him to repeat the same pattern.
Not beating you up ... because you have learned your (difficult) lesson which does comes from low self-esteem which the rest of us know too.. whether you want to admit it or not.
 
Cautionary tale to others:
 
Stats: More than 50% of marriages ... fail. This is mainly because people hook up and hit the sack too fast so they get committed before they find out if they are really compatable.
 
However, if you get married to someone where the relationship originated in INFIDELITY ... guess what the divorce rate is? GUESS? It's 2%!!!!!!!
 
Why? Well there are many reasons but no matter how you cut it ... YOU KNOW that the guy is AT LEAST not trustworthy .. because he CHEATED to get with you! DUH! And he knows that somethingf is off with you if you will go with a married man - even if that marrided man whas him!
 
All this crap about him not being in love with the wife etc .. blah, blah, blah means nothing. You can nevvvver get involved with a man that is married. Period.
 

While I wouldn't ever be involved with someone who is separated again. Your whole above post actually wasn't what happened OR how to turned out. 

He was married for a few weeks to someone that he met a few months prior and then he was separated for two years before we came back in contact with each other. Initially I didn't even know that he was separated because he lied and said that he was divorced until we ran into her at a club and he then later told me that they were actually separated. Although this WAS a case of me stupidly staying. It was not a case where I was sleeping around/messing around with someone who was at home with his wife. It was stupid all around, but not in the way that you mentioned. I also doubt that my daughter will even know about it unless she inquires since they are now divorced and she has since had a child and is about to be remarried. 

That's neither here nor there though.  
 
Nothing else you say makes any difference. He was married ... and I don't care if he knew her 1 day or 1 year and whether the married 1 day or 1 year. Confused
 
It makes no difference. You were involved with a man ... that had taken an OATH to another woman.
 
Yes, men lie. The minute you figured out he was married (and that wouldn't have taken very long!) you should have dumped him. Any other choice was on you.
 
You need to GET IT and not keep trying to unspeak the truth because you are deluding yourself and if you truely believe this LIE then you are setting yourself up to get involved with yet another man that is ...'unavailable'.
 
Maybe he will be married and run some stupid line on you or he will be single but he is EMOTIONALLY unavailable - you will fool yourself into yet ANOTHER deadend situation!
 
Worse - your CHILD will pick this up in the most delicate ways .. and mimic your behavior so if the child is a boy .. he will grow up and have affair(s) while married so he can mess up other folks lives and if the child is a girl .. she will SURELY find herself drawn toward an unavailable guy ... who will likely get her knocked up too.
 
CHILDREN FIGURE THINGS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe they find themselves making self-destructive choices and not knowing why and then at  ummm age 17 they find out through some odd way .. the origin of their birth and WHAM now they see WHY they always do these screwy things. She will look TO YOU for answers and God-forbid if you are currently hooked up with another guy that is .. unavailable or you hand her this garbage load of excuses.
 
You have got to require MORE of yourself than ... someone else's man.

Stop making excuses.
 


Edited by Printer_Ink - Mar 14 2013 at 3:10am
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katakana89 View Drop Down
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There was a Dr Phil episode a couple months ago about a woman who is pregnant by a married man, and just didn't understand the potential issues she was putting her unborn to. They had a guest speak to her. This guest was the product of adultery and is the exact situation here, no matter how much one sugar coats it. A married man stringing along his in denial mistress who got pregnant. The child lived a hard life, couldn't get over the fact that her mother was selfish and in denial about the situation of her side piece-ness. It was a sad episode.

And reading this thread made me very sad when I learned OP had a child from this. I hope you've learned and grown from this situation, but reading your 2013 update doesn't looks like you have with all these excuses you keep trying to convince us strangers. I hope there are no repeats and I wish you luck. It's 2013 now, you have a child and should do better.
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Originally posted by katakana89 katakana89 wrote:

There was a Dr Phil episode a couple months ago about a woman who is pregnant by a married man, and just didn't understand the potential issues she was putting her unborn to. They had a guest speak to her. This guest was the product of adultery and is the exact situation here, no matter how much one sugar coats it. A married man stringing along his in denial mistress who got pregnant. The child lived a hard life, couldn't get over the fact that her mother was selfish and in denial about the situation of her side piece-ness. It was a sad episode.

And reading this thread made me very sad when I learned OP had a child from this. I hope you've learned and grown from this situation, but reading your 2013 update doesn't looks like you have with all these excuses you keep trying to convince us strangers. I hope there are no repeats and I wish you luck. It's 2013 now, you have a child and should do better.

You're right, I'm not going to try to convince strangers of anything. However, as I stated it was a naive mistake that that I made when I was fresh out of college and a little stupid. It was the case of me being with a separated man that I should have never been with who is now single (although I am still not with him). I'm not making excuses, I am clarifying facts. The fact was that he was married, although separated and I shouldn't have been with him. As I stated. However, like I said, it wasn't a "wife at home, sneaking around situation". I recognize that it could look that way just based on on one here knowing the situation but that's neither here nor there. 

What my child will see when she gets older is a mother that is college educated, gainfully employed woman who raised her with love and caring. She will see a mother that took care of her without the help of welfare, child care support or any other govt assistance. She will see a mother who did whatever she could so that her child could be sent to private school and given the best ever chance at life that she could give her. 

She will see a mother who rededicated her life to Christ and is celibate and will remain celibate until she is married. She will see a mother that is living her life for God and a mom who raised her to know that she is a child of God, no matter what the circumstances. 

The truth of the matter is that I should have never updated a situation that occurred years ago because now I am getting bashed for something that I stated that I should have never done as if I am saying, "I'm glad that happened". My problem is that I continue to try to explain things because I am too worried about what others think of me.

However, I am a blood-washed child of God's kingdom and if the Lord has washed me, then it doesn't matter what anyone of this world thinks of me.
  

Sigh. Have a good day. 
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katakana89 View Drop Down
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I agree, leave it in the dust. It is over now and you are doing so much better Smile
Ps, I'm not bashing you and if it came off that way I apologize. Just wanted to make sure that you can grow without having repeats of the same situation. You are a stranger to me but hearing stories like these make me want to speak up. I have never experienced this, but have seen it enough to be tired of it. I only wish you luck, blessings, and joy Star


Originally posted by preciousone86 preciousone86 wrote:

Originally posted by katakana89 katakana89 wrote:

There was a Dr Phil episode a couple months ago about a woman who is pregnant by a married man, and just didn't understand the potential issues she was putting her unborn to. They had a guest speak to her. This guest was the product of adultery and is the exact situation here, no matter how much one sugar coats it. A married man stringing along his in denial mistress who got pregnant. The child lived a hard life, couldn't get over the fact that her mother was selfish and in denial about the situation of her side piece-ness. It was a sad episode.

And reading this thread made me very sad when I learned OP had a child from this. I hope you've learned and grown from this situation, but reading your 2013 update doesn't looks like you have with all these excuses you keep trying to convince us strangers. I hope there are no repeats and I wish you luck. It's 2013 now, you have a child and should do better.

You're right, I'm not going to try to convince strangers of anything. However, as I stated it was a naive mistake that that I made when I was fresh out of college and a little stupid. It was the case of me being with a separated man that I should have never been with who is now single (although I am still not with him). I'm not making excuses, I am clarifying facts. The fact was that he was married, although separated and I shouldn't have been with him. As I stated. However, like I said, it wasn't a "wife at home, sneaking around situation". I recognize that it could look that way just based on on one here knowing the situation but that's neither here nor there. 

What my child will see when she gets older is a mother that is college educated, gainfully employed woman who raised her with love and caring. She will see a mother that took care of her without the help of welfare, child care support or any other govt assistance. She will see a mother who did whatever she could so that her child could be sent to private school and given the best ever chance at life that she could give her. 

She will see a mother who rededicated her life to Christ and is celibate and will remain celibate until she is married. She will see a mother that is living her life for God and a mom who raised her to know that she is a child of God, no matter what the circumstances. 

The truth of the matter is that I should have never updated a situation that occurred years ago because now I am getting bashed for something that I stated that I should have never done as if I am saying, "I'm glad that happened". My problem is that I continue to try to explain things because I am too worried about what others think of me.

However, I am a blood-washed child of God's kingdom and if the Lord has washed me, then it doesn't matter what anyone of this world thinks of me.
  

Sigh. Have a good day. 
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Sorry but I don't see how religion has anything to do with this situation. Confused
 
(I have watched sooo many women living in terrible situations and then turning around trying to pray it all away. Useless - nothing ever changed. To me .. religion is for the weak and in particular it is a blight on the Black community because people lean on it for answers instead of drawing on their own internal resources - like using COMMON SENSE.)
 
Don't get me started. But I digress.Ermm
 
And no, you should not have updated this post if you were not prepared to receive feedback on this situation.
 
Bottom line - you still don't get it and you are still making excuses. I know this because you are still referring to that man as being 'separated'. Being separated means he was married but I think you think being separated makes some sort of difference. It doesn't so you need to take that word out of your vocabulary. That is an 'excuse' word. Also when you say it wasn't a 'wife at home 'cheating situation. Well, his wife's lifestyle has nothing to do with this situation! DUH! And then you again mention how young you were. Come on now .. you are repeating the same excuses.
 
Because geesh we were all young once ... but we all knew what it was to be with a married man. 54 year old women cheat too so age has nothing to do with it - it's an excuse.
 
The only thing you can say is:
 
 'I made a mistake by getting involved with a married man and I compounded that mistake by bringing an innocent child into the world from that union and ... now I have to live with it'. Period
 
This is called ... taking responsibilty for your own actions. Anything else you have to say is like so much smoke up the chimney ... means absolutely nothing.
 
For your child, what you said above sounds good but ... you also need to leran to avoid these deadend situations with men and you need to prepare yourself for what you are going to tell this precious child about the circumstances of her parentage - because certainly this story will damage her self-esteem.
 
Certainly .... because children want to think that they were wanted and were the product of a real, loving, legitimate relationship (even in this day in age).  But no child wants to know that she is the product of a deceptive union where her mother just laid up with a married man and got knocked up. DisapproveNoooo this will make her feel bad about herself - like she was a .. mistake. This is major so you need to get your head around this issue.
 
Okay, you can ignore this post if I am telling you something you don't want to hear but this is YOUR child .. not mine.


Edited by Printer_Ink - Mar 15 2013 at 3:12am
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khivey View Drop Down
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Printer_Ink. It is over and done with. The girl had a baby who is now 3 years old. What is done is done. OP must live with this every day of her life. Ya'll can stop kicking the girl now. Depending on how OP raises her daughter and sets examples that her daughter can see..her daughter may just turn out unaffected by the situation. 
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Okay, you are right - it's over and done with.
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Originally posted by khivey khivey wrote:

Printer_Ink. It is over and done with. The girl had a baby who is now 3 years old. What is done is done. OP must live with this every day of her life. Ya'll can stop kicking the girl now. Depending on how OP raises her daughter and sets examples that her daughter can see..her daughter may just turn out unaffected by the situation. 

thank you.



Edited by Spokenword - Mar 15 2013 at 10:32pm
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Though, after reading this thread I see why you wanted to take it there Printer.

Precious the fact that you pulled this thread up after three years just to clarify a PM speaks volumes. Stop worrying about what people say/think about you....sometimes you just have to let stuff roll off your back.  i think you felt bad and saw your lapse in judgment but its out there.....and this really could have been swept under the carpet if you know what i mean. everyone makes mistakes, its OK to acknowledge those mistakes in private. you dont have to respond to everyone's opinions.

Good luck to you and your baby!



Edited by Spokenword - Mar 15 2013 at 10:39pm
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