I was at a coffee shop in Park Slope. You were sitting next to me, talking to your friend about how you’re a vegan but you secretly eat eggs. I really wish I had said something to you. Your voice was loud and distracted me from my work.
You: sitting next to your backpack on the Brooklyn-bound L train last night.
Me: super tired, holding onto the rail, standing up.
I asked you to move your backpack so I could sit down. You said you were getting off in “only one more stop.” I just nodded and looked away. I don’t know if you will ever see this, but if you do I’d love to meet up. Manners are sort of my thing, and I’d love to teach you some.
You were in front of me in line at the Chipotle in Queens. You ordered a carnitas burrito with “no beans, add guac.” I still remember this because it took you almost ten minutes to order. You had all the time in the world while we were in line. What were you doing then? How could it take you so long to decide not to have beans? Either you want beans or you don’t want beans. It’s not that hard. Please e-mail me. I need to understand this.
At the gym parking lot today. You were the hot guy with the soul patch in the Kia Forte. You took my spot. I was waiting for that spot, and you just swooped in and took it. I wish you could have heard me honking at you. Our eyes connected but you just kept walking. If I had the chance to see you one more time, I would roll down my windows and call you a dick.
We made small talk in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s. You said that you literally could not live without the salsa you were buying. I wish we could talk again. You used “literally” incorrectly. It really pissed me off. I wish you could literally not live without that salsa, because then I’d take it from you.
Hi. I saw you at the dog park. You had the German shepherd and I had the terrier. If this is you, please message me the name of the park and your address. Your dog was not well attended and I’d like to report you to the proper officials.
Gramercy Park yesterday afternoon. You were wearing a scarf, a T-shirt, thick-rimmed glasses, and cowboy boots. I think that if we met I would find you insufferable.
At a bar celebrating my friend’s birthday in midtown. You were wearing Google Glass. I tried to mouth, “You look like a moron.” Did you record that?
You were sitting right next to me at an airplane terminal and we were both on our laptops. You were totally hogging the armrest. But when you moved your hand to cough, I took the armrest. You glanced at me angrily. This just happened. Now I can see you writing a post about me online. So I’m doing the same thing. You’re still writing. Me too. We can both see each other’s laptops as we write. I wish we could just talk in person so I could tell you not to be so passive-aggressive out loud.
Photograph by Tony Gale/Getty.