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Topic ClosedLight Humor for the day.....

 
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branskye View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Topic: Light Humor for the day.....
    Posted: Oct 29 2009 at 3:08pm
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.



I no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline
without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper
since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran Wrap
in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target
since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .




Oh, by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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hennypenny View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Oct 29 2009 at 3:23pm
LOL

My dad and my aunt flood my email with all kinds of junk. Its to the point, that I don't even open their emails anymore.
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Creole_honey View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Oct 29 2009 at 3:29pm
LOL...
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Roro View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Oct 29 2009 at 4:16pm
that was good
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MissCassC View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Oct 29 2009 at 4:22pm
hehe.  I should send this to my grandmother.
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JaneLane View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Oct 29 2009 at 4:46pm
but...i needed the mouse to scroll...Unhappy
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RandRLove View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Nov 01 2009 at 10:17am
Man... my hand was on the mouse...Ouch
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starfox View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Nov 01 2009 at 10:33am
LOL
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zolloh View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Nov 01 2009 at 10:52am
"THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes"

this is the one that annoys me the most. im like "really? 'ill get a financial blessing tomorrow?' but payday aint till the 15th.'and tomorrow the man of my dreams who secretly loves me will call and tell me so?' but i live like a hermit" LOL
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india100 View Drop Down
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Direct Link To This Post Posted: Nov 01 2009 at 10:54am
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