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Letting Go Of A Relationship (You Never Had)

 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 11:59pm
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Merry Christmas, ladies!

Do any of you believe in fate or destiny?  I ask this question because of a specific "relationship."  I met this guy when I was 14, a freshman in high school.  He was the popular senior and I was the super new freshman (I transferred in a month after everyone started).  A girl I went to school with would always talk about this guy and I had no idea who he was.  One day our paths crossed and I swear I've been in love with him ever since.  I think the feeling was mutual ... not by what he said, but his actions ... That's how I know that it was real.  

He helped me through a dark time in my life without even knowing it.  I couldn't have been anything to him (then) because I was no good for anyone. 

So, here's my problem.  For years I've tried to get over this guy.  I figured that the easiest way to get over someone is to move to a new place ... that way I don't have to see them again.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Y'know?  Anyway, while in college, he not only comes to the city (NYC), but he comes TO MY SCHOOL.  I come home, here's here.  I go to graduate school in a new city, he frequents the area.  I've come up with places where I want to move to post-graduate school and all of them are places he frequents.  (He's a pretty popular dude).  It just seems like no matter how hard I try, I can't get away from him to forget him so that I can move the hell on.

I started wondering ... maybe there's a reason why our paths always or almost always cross.  Maybe we're meant to have some relationship even if it's strictly a friendship.  What do you ladies think?  Coincidence?  Is it all in my mind and my subconscious mind preventing me from really letting him go?  
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 25 2013 at 9:44am
Oksy .. um big question.

In all of these years, has he ever walked up to you and said something to the effect of ... 'Hey, we keep running into each other, (smile)why don't we have a drink sometime?'

If he has NEVER done anything like this .. this popular guy probably thinks you are nice looking and a nice girl an all ... but he is not actually interested in dating you. I mean if you keep seeimg hgim .. that means he kees seeing you around right? Otherwise, he would have asked you out yearrrrrs ago. It's not that hard for a guy.

I think you should stop holding a candle for this guy all these years and move on.

(Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. :( )
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dOLLish. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 25 2013 at 11:08am
He has, but he hasn't.  He may think it's coincidental or may not pay any attention to it. I've actually run into him a few times since he graduated and each time he attempts to extend himself and/or initiate conversation.  I've just always tried to avoid him because of how I felt about myself - not anything he's done.  I think if I would've been receptive and followed through, we could have made it to that point .... but alas, here we are.

The reason he didn't ask me out in high school was because of my age.  I was 14 and he was damn near 18 (if not, 18).  He expressed to me that he did have feelings for me, but that he didn't feel right about it because I was so young ... but, he also said that when I got older he would come back for me.  And in so many ways, he did.  He randomly came into my job one day, looked at me like he knew me, and kind of walked out.  I later found out that he stopped one of my co-workers, asked my name and told her to pass his number along.  

But again, that wasn't a good time for me.  I saw him a few times since then and each time hasn't been a good time.  The last time I was downright rude ... I wanted to (and still want to) move past this dude.  It's hard having to see him because every time I see him those old feelings come back.  I feel that in order to move on, I can't see him.  I can't move past him I feel those same butterflies in my stomach that I felt at 14 at 24. 

Like I said, it's hard for me because he was special to me.  Not just because I had a crush on him, because all guys I've liked/talked to weren't special.  He was the only guy that really cared for me.  During that dark time, he was the only person that gave me hope.  I came to school to see him because I knew he could make me feel better, just by showing that he cared.  Even if it was a hug in the hallway ... He didn't want anything from me, or else he would've tried it.  I was young, vulnerable, and impressionable ... hell, I would've done anything he asked me to.  But he didn't.  He schooled me on some things and I'll forever be grateful for that.

Maybe that's why I'm holding on?  Because I feel I owe him something, because he looked out for me or helped me during a rough time?  I don't know?  It could just be me.  But I don't run into other guys from my past ... just him and he's the only guy I've ever truly cared about. 

I do feel kinda crazy having these same feelings a decade later.  Like, when is enough enough?  When is it time to let go?  (Just thinking aloud).


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 25 2013 at 1:50pm

Umm so you are saying that for the last 10 years (from age 14 to age 24) he has tried to reach out to you in a romantic way .. but you didn't feel good enough about yourself to accept his advances?

Now that's a new one on me.

I don't understand what you are asking.

-     Are you saying you WANT to date him? Your first post gave the impression that you felt you were meant to be together – because you kept running into him
-     Or are you saying that you just want to MOVE ON and forget him. (I don't understand why he had to ask one of your co-workers your name ... if he already knew you?)

You say he has tried to approach you romantically several times over these past 10 years and you rebuffed him each time? The last time you were downright rude … because yet again, it was the wrong time? Wow. IMO getting together with a guy that you like and has expressed an interest in you ... ain't THAT dag gone hard, no matter how you feel about yourself.

Sorry but if you are not clear in your own mind whether or not you want to date him .. what do you think HE is thinking about your brushoffs? I mean you can only play hard to get but for so long .. before the poor guy gives up. He can't be waiting around for the NEXT 10 years trying to approach you on the off chance that the next time ... is finally the RIGHT time for you.

If you don’t want him ... it is entirely within your own power to move on and forget about him because you do not have any control over where he decides to turn up. It’s a free world. :)

I think you need to get out of your own way to tell the truth.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote dOLLish. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 25 2013 at 9:11pm
More or less.  I can't say that each chance has been "romantic," because I don't know that.  It may not make sense to anyone other than myself, and frankly it doesn't have to. However, getting involved in a relationship where you can't give 80-100% to your partner isn't fair.  

I thought that I was pretty clear with initial and follow-up post.  I wanted to be able to move past this "relationship."  Our frequent run-ins indicated (to me, of course) thatmaybe we're meant to be something - even if that something is strictly friends.  I don't want to feel like that 14 year-old girl every time I see him because that's unhealthy.  Hence my wanting to move on.  

Again, I never said that he tried to approach me romantically each time.  I don't think that it has to be so black or white (e.g., either he asks me on a date or he doesn't - as I gathered from your response).  He attempts to approach me and re-connect.  He could easily walk by me as I don't exist, but for some reason he doesn't.  Whether or not it's romantic, I can't say and it doesn't matter.  

Oh, and he came into my store 4 years after he graduated high school.  Not only hadn't we kept in contact, but as quickly as he came in the store, he left.  He ran into my co-worker outside of our job and stopped her then.  I didn't want you to think that he sat in the store, stared at me wearing my name tag and then asked my co-worker for my name Wink

Riddle me this:  If you have your own personal issues that you need to work through, thus preventing you from fully opening up and allowing yourself to love and be loved, why would you even attempt to have an intimate relationship with anyone?  It's deeper than "oh, my outfit doesn't look cute today" or "my hair isn't done."  To me, it would be grounds for disaster ... and above everything it's selfish.  If you've never experienced it, then of course it doesn't seem "that hard."  (And I'm not coming for you, I'm just saying).  But everyone's situation isn't so easy to dissect  ... especially without sufficient background information on the person(s).  When it's all said and done, though, I'd rather be nothing to him/have nothing with him, than to hurt him.  

I appreciate your response(s); however, I'm getting the feeling that you've either read too much into my posts or have misread.  How am I playing hard to get?  Because I want to get to a point to where I love myself before allowing someone else to love me?  I thought that was good thing? I don't recall saying that I wanted him to wait for me.  I know he hasn't, and I wouldn't ask him to.  He hasn't asked me to.  It's unfair. 

I guess my initial post wasn't as clear as I thought.  I've been unable to let go of this "relationship."  For me, severing ties doesn't help - I need to get away from the person.  Despite the attempts to get away and move on, our paths continue to cross.  Thus, the question of fate/destiny is raised.

How am I in my own way?  And what truth do I need to tell? 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 26 2013 at 5:19am
Originally posted by dOLLish. dOLLish. wrote:

<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;">More or less.  I can't say that</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;"> </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;">each <span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 1.4;">chance has been "romantic," because I don't know that.  It may not make sense to anyone other than myself, and frankly it doesn't have to. However, getting involved in a relationship where you can't give 80-100% to your partner isn't fair.  </span>
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">I thought that I was pretty clear with initial and follow-up post.  I wanted to be able to move past this "relationship."  Our frequent run-ins indicated (to me, of course) thatmaybe we're meant to be something - even if that something is strictly friends.  I don't want to feel like that 14 year-old girl every time I see him because that's unhealthy.  Hence my wanting to move on.  
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Again, I never said that he tried to approach me romantically each time.  I don't think that it has to be so black or white (e.g., either he asks me on a date or he doesn't - as I gathered from your response).  He attempts to approach me and re-connect.  He could easily walk by me as I don't exist, but for some reason he doesn't.  Whether or not it's romantic, I can't say and it doesn't matter.  
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Oh, and he came into my store 4 years after he graduated high school.  Not only hadn't we kept in contact, but as quickly as he came in the store, he left.  He ran into my co-worker outside of our job and stopped her then.  I didn't want you to think that he sat in the store, stared at me wearing my name tag and then asked my co-worker for my name Wink
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">Riddle me this:  If you have your own personal issues that you need to work through, thus preventing you from fully opening up and allowing yourself to love and be loved, why would you even attempt to have an intimate relationship with anyone?  It's deeper than "oh, my outfit doesn't look cute today" or "my hair isn't done."  To me, it would be grounds for disaster ... and above everything it's selfish.  If you've never experienced it, then of course it doesn't seem "that hard."  (And I'm not coming for you, I'm just saying).  But everyone's situation isn't so easy to dissect  ... especially without sufficient background information on the person(s).  When it's all said and done, though, I'd rather be nothing to him/have nothing with him, than to hurt him.  
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">I appreciate your response(s); however, I'm getting the feeling that you've either read too much into my posts or have misread.  How am I playing hard to get?  Because I want to get to a point to where I love myself before allowing someone else to love me?  I thought that was good thing? I don't recall saying that I wanted him to wait for me.  I know he hasn't, and I wouldn't ask him to.  He hasn't asked me to.  It's unfair. 
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">
<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" size="3">I guess my initial post wasn't as clear as I thought.  I've been unable to let go of this "relationship."  For me, severing ties doesn't help - I need to get away from the person.  Despite the attempts to get away and move on, our paths continue to cross.  Thus, the question of fate/destiny is raised.
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 22px;">
</span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 22px;">How am I in my own way?  And what truth do I need to tell? </span>




Okay, I see what you are saying now. You really do want to move on and get away from him but he keeps turning up.

Umm sorry but you can control your movements but you cannot control HIS movements . He can move wherever he wants. I don’t believe in some celestial ‘meaning’ to his showing in your space over the years.  I think if he’s coincidentally showing up wherever you move – either you have to move so far away that you cannot possibly run into him or (more likely) you are just going to have to deal with his company. There is nothing else you can do about that situation. There is no answer. That is the truth of your situation ... IMO.

What I mean by ‘playing hard to get‘ is that I think (maybe) you are giving off vibes to this guy that you LIKE him, so that is (maybe) why he was been trying to connect with you. But then you evade him so (predictably) this triggers his instinct to pursue you .. but then you were outright rude to him. So then he is scratching his head thinking ‘I don’t understand women’. Hey, He did the right thing, he chased you but then it never comes to anything.

(I say ‘maybe’ because as you say ... you are not SURE if he is really trying to connect with you. So this is all conjecture.)

You are saying you don’t want to get involved with him because you have each personal issues so you can’t give 100%. Ummm babygirl EVERYONE has personal issues and NO ONE can give 100% of themselves ... but we stumble along anyway ... trying to connect with each other. :) I am not trying to make light of your personal issues .. but really A LOT of people are like this.

In fact, A GREAT NUMBER of people are completely messed up in the head but (shrugs) yeah, they have relationships with other people – some good, some bad. Another great number of people are completely level-headed and together and they are also in relationships, again some good, some bad. Some issues are worse than others ... but ‘everyone has got a little pain’ in their lives.

However, you can’t block yourself off from love/ relationships until you finally get together. Oh nooo. It’s been 10 years lost to you as it is. I think you are making your personal issues too important if they are maybe crippling your live life like this.

Riddle ME this: What if in the meeting of someone that you could really care about (and vice versa) you share these personal issues and in that sharing, that guy begins to understand you better and get closer and support you and amazingly .. takes some of the BURDEN if whatever you are carrying OFF your back? What if this was the outcome? This would be one of the things that spark the love between the two of you and ... a kind of healing takes place.

Believe it or not – probably he is carrying some burdens too .... and maybe he would be able to share some of his stuff with you?

For this guy – who knows? Like you said, you are not sure he has been making attempts to connect – but if not this guy .. then probably you are not opening up yourself to any men - so that is going to be a lonely life baby girl. Don't you deserve some comfort in your life?

Now, if your personal issues would place a guy in DANGER – no, do not get involved with him!

Other than that - when you open yourself up to a guy .. you always run the chance of hurting him or of being hurt yourself. But then you also have of good chance of loving someone and ... of being loved in return. This is called .. a Relationship. :) 

It can be a scary thing but again we fools (mankind) have been stumbling along somehow, bumping into each other and finding our way all these last 10,000 years or so just fine. :)

I think you should take yourself off the hook and open yourself up to men/relationships and see what happens.

Follow the rules though:
-     Do not chase men (HE has to call,text,email etc you … but you only REPLY to his attempts)
-     Do not sleep with him for 2 – 3 months (this gives you enough time to figure out if he is a rat you don’t even want. But if you sleep with him too soon (aside from the obvious) you are kind of bound to him a BEFORE you realize that he is not worthy.)
-     Do not build your world around a guy (carry on with your hobbies, job and interests etc.)
-     Let him pursue and ‘win’ you
-     Do not be weak with him - a doormat and reward bad behavior by staying in his company
-     You get the idea ...

Edited by Printer_Ink - Dec 26 2013 at 5:27am
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I guess..

Thanks.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 03 2014 at 1:15pm
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:


Follow the rules though:
-     Do not chase men (HE has to call,text,email etc you … but you only REPLY to his attempts)
-     Do not sleep with him for 2 – 3 months (this gives you enough time to figure out if he is a rat you don’t even want. But if you sleep with him too soon (aside from the obvious) you are kind of bound to him a BEFORE you realize that he is not worthy.)
-     Do not build your world around a guy (carry on with your hobbies, job and interests etc.)
-     Let him pursue and ‘win’ you
-     Do not be weak with him - a doormat and reward bad behavior by staying in his company
-     You get the idea ...


Great advice, Printer.
I think those tips can applied to girls in a relationship, once in a while.
My only problem is building my world around a guy.... since I don't have friends, it is hard to not be available all the time, and do things only with him.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 03 2014 at 2:09pm
Originally posted by sexyandfamous sexyandfamous wrote:

Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:


Follow the rules though:
-     Do not chase men (HE has to call,text,email etc you … but you only REPLY to his attempts)
-     Do not sleep with him for 2 – 3 months (this gives you enough time to figure out if he is a rat you don’t even want. But if you sleep with him too soon (aside from the obvious) you are kind of bound to him a BEFORE you realize that he is not worthy.)
-     Do not build your world around a guy (carry on with your hobbies, job and interests etc.)
-     Let him pursue and ‘win’ you
-     Do not be weak with him - a doormat and reward bad behavior by staying in his company
-     You get the idea ...


Great advice, Printer.
I think those tips can applied to girls in a relationship, once in a while.
My only problem is building my world around a guy.... since I don't have friends, it is hard to not be available all the time, and do things only with him.


Okay, then you need to be 'unavailable' .... just on GP (General Principle). :)

If he calls and asks you out DO NOT always agree to see him on the day and time. Add some 'tension' to the relationship because as soon as he feels HE KNOWS YOU and your business and that you will always be around .. he will get bored and move on to a girl that seems to be .... more of a challenge to him.

He's not doing this on purpose but it IS in his DNA to 'hunt and pursue' so you are kind of putting him out of a job if you just roll over, belly up and let him rub your tummy anytime he feels like it. :) So to speak.

If I were you (and I have done this) I would develop a solitary hobby that is important to me where I can fill my time and be 'busy'.

- You sew so sometimes you cannot make a date because you aew havibg trouble putting a zipper in a dress you want to wear at a nice function on X day. Will take all evening

- You are writing a book. Will take up a lot of your Saturdays

- Every Wednesday evening you are taking a class in Financial Planning it lasts from 6 - 9.

- You love to bake and are trying to start your own business. How? You bake up a special cake and visit small mom and pop restaurants in The Village and sell them your wares. They slice up the cakes and sell each piece. So you are building your clientele. (Actually, I know a girl that is doing this!)

Get the idea?

Think of something to fill your time with that does not require a girlfriend to be with you such that if your guy asks you out you can say 'ohh sorry, but I am busy that evening'. :)

IT WILL PEAK HIS INTEREST... because now he's gotta go back to chasing you again which subconsiously ... he what he wants to do anyway.

Do not be so 'available' to any guy .. as evemtually he will see you as not so desirable by other people ...

Edited by Printer_Ink - Jan 03 2014 at 2:22pm
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