I've been struggling with some personal... idk issues, and just need advice. I always find my friends give the same predictable generic advice about any guy regardless of circumstance.... chuck him!! single life!! die alone!! But anyways this is long so bear with me.
Anyways so I've been with my bf for almost a year and a half, and we've been through a lot but really are pretty strong as a couple. He moved away 6 months ago for med school and I'm moving in a few weeks for pharmacy school so it's been hard. I'm supposed to meet his parents for the first time when he comes to help me move in like a week, and in his culture that is basically almost a declaration of marriage. I love him and he's everything I've ever wanted but part of me has started feeling like I haven't had an opportunity to sow my wild oats, and damn forever is a long as hell time. I know he's what I want but I wish I had met him later in life when I was ready to settle down. But I don't think I could ever find anyone like him again so idk what to do about that.
Then also to add to my emotional turmoil, I think I posted here years ago about my ex... that I broke up with after finding out he'd been cheating on me the entire relationship, while I overextended myself to make the relationship work. I forgave him, because it cost me too much to hate him, but I realized I couldn't be friends and just stay in touch with him because the feelings of hurt were too great. Because of him I couldn't even talk to a guy for two years, because I felt all of them were dogs... which again contributes to what I feel is my limited dating experience. Anyways about 3 months ago he texted me out of nowhere, and I responded because I always have wanted to talk to him... I just knew it was not good for me. At some point he basically told me he'd been battling cancer.
I was supposed to go see him maybe a few weeks after that but with all my classes and applying for grad school, I couldn't manage to because I would have to drive there and back in a day. I also didn't know how to tell my bf I wanted to visit my ex. So the day I was supposed to go, I put it in my gps and it was 2 hours away.... I knew there was no way I would drive 4-5 hours in a day and not fall asleep, so I asked him if he could maybe drive 30 minutes out of his way so it's a little closer to me. He was like oh I can't think of anywhere, we can just do it some other time... which to me gave me the impression he could care less so I was just like meh.... I've indicated to him however that I want to see him one last time before I move and if he's ever driving through Orlando to stop by. This is a guy who has texted me and messaged me over the years though I never responded, and who begged my forgiveness after everything happened. So I don't get if the ambivalence was a result of me indicating I've been in a relationship for a long time.... and he also mentioned he had a gf but didn't really go into all of that. In the past few months he's made reference about me stopping by Tampa, but really it's 2 hours out of my way and if I felt it was important to him I would have immediately but he never acts like it is. I figured maybe it's due to his being sick or something so he doesn't drive too often... but in talking to him he'd mention playing soccer... and driving from Tampa to Daytona often.... bypassing Orlando and never mentioned any indication that he wanted to stop by or anything.
His personality... which is what I fell in love with has drastically changed since he was diagnosed. I don't really know what I truly feel about him... I feel over it in that it doesn't break my heart contemplating his ambivalence but it makes me a little upset. I also know that I love my bf and would pick him hands down regardless. I've never asked my ex questions like oh why didn't you stop by or anything I just am like oh cool, when he mentions that. I spent my time driving to see him our entire relationship and now after chasing my friendship for years he acts like it doesn't matter. I mostly talk to him to make sure he's okay, but for a minute when I didn't initiate the conversation he didn't bother initiating for 3 weeks. I had resolved until he did never to bother texting him again. Part of me feels if I leave without seeing him I might never see him again... he might move before I ever come back or who knows. But if that even matters to him and if it should even matter to me.
Before my bf left I was happy and content... now that I know we have years of a long distance relationship, and that I can never even cuddle with another guy FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE... I don't really know what I feel or how I think. I know if I break up with him I'll be devastated and upset. And this is a guy that is taking a leave from school for two weeks to help me move. But part of me feels I'll never get to have anymore life experience. If I feel this way at 24... how will I feel at 34?? I dunno if it's distance that's making me have these feelings. And regarding my ex... I know I would never have stayed in contact with him if he hadn't told me he had cancer. But maybe I should have prayed for him and continued not being in touch with him? I don't get him at all anymore. And I don't know what I want anymore. Should I put my pride to the side and go visit him without his prompting? He was the one who cheated on me .... Should I stay with the guy of my dreams? Feeling alone in a new city wondering how it feels to be just a little bit bad? I dunno. help please. :(.