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I'm just confused.

 
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MaPetite View Drop Down
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    Posted: Jul 17 2013 at 6:43am
I've been struggling with some personal... idk issues, and just need advice. I always find my friends give the same predictable generic advice about any guy regardless of circumstance.... chuck him!! single life!! die alone!! But anyways this is long so bear with me.

Anyways so I've been with my bf for almost a year and a half, and we've been through a lot but really are pretty strong as a couple. He moved away 6 months ago for med school and I'm moving in a few weeks for pharmacy school so it's been hard. I'm supposed to meet his parents for the first time when he comes to help me move in like a week, and in his culture that is basically almost a declaration of marriage. I love him and he's everything I've ever wanted but part of me has started feeling like I haven't had an opportunity to sow my wild oats, and damn forever is a long as hell time. I know he's what I want but I wish I had met him later in life when I was ready to settle down. But I don't think I could ever find anyone like him again so idk what to do about that.

Then also to add to my emotional turmoil, I think I posted here years ago about my ex... that I broke up with after finding out he'd been cheating on me the entire relationship, while I overextended myself to make the relationship work. I forgave him, because it cost me too much to hate him, but I realized I couldn't be friends and just stay in touch with him because the feelings of hurt were too great. Because of him I couldn't even talk to a guy for two years, because I felt all of them were dogs... which again contributes to what I feel is my limited dating experience. Anyways about 3 months ago he texted me out of nowhere, and I responded because I always have wanted to talk to him... I just knew it was not good for me. At some point he basically told me he'd been battling cancer. 

I was supposed to go see him maybe a few weeks after that but with all my classes and applying for grad school, I couldn't manage to because I would have to drive there and back in a day. I also didn't know how to tell my bf I wanted to visit my ex. So the day I was supposed to go, I put it in my gps and it was 2 hours away.... I knew there was no way I would drive 4-5 hours in a day and not fall asleep, so I asked him if he could maybe drive 30 minutes out of his way so it's a little closer to me. He was like oh I can't think of anywhere, we can just do it some other time... which to me gave me the impression he could care less so I was just like meh.... I've indicated to him however that I want to see him one last time before I move and if he's ever driving through Orlando to stop by. This is a guy who has texted me and messaged me over the years though I never responded, and who begged my forgiveness after everything happened. So I don't get if the ambivalence was a result of me indicating I've been in a relationship for a long time.... and he also mentioned he had a gf but didn't really go into all of that. In the past few months he's made reference about me stopping by Tampa, but really it's 2 hours out of my way and if I felt it was important to him I would have immediately but he never acts like it is. I figured maybe it's due to his being sick or something so he doesn't drive too often... but in talking to him he'd mention playing soccer... and driving from Tampa to Daytona often.... bypassing Orlando and never mentioned any indication that he wanted to stop by or anything. 

His personality... which is what I fell in love with has drastically changed since he was diagnosed. I don't really know what I truly feel about him... I feel over it in that it doesn't break my heart contemplating his ambivalence but it makes me a little upset. I also know that I love my bf and would pick him hands down regardless. I've never asked my ex questions like oh why didn't you stop by or anything I just am like oh cool, when he mentions that. I spent my time driving to see him our entire relationship and now after chasing my friendship for years he acts like it doesn't matter. I mostly talk to him to make sure he's okay, but for a minute when I didn't initiate the conversation he didn't bother initiating for 3 weeks. I had resolved until he did never to bother texting him again. Part of me feels if I leave without seeing him I might never see him again... he might move before I ever come back or who knows. But if that even matters to him and if it should even matter to me. 

Before my bf left I was happy and content... now that I know we have years of a long distance relationship, and that I can never even cuddle with another guy FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE... I don't really know what I feel or how I think. I know if I break up with him I'll be devastated and upset. And this is a guy that is taking a leave from school for two weeks to help me move. But part of me feels I'll never get to have anymore life experience. If I feel this way at 24... how will I feel at 34?? I dunno if it's distance that's making me have these feelings. And regarding my ex... I know I would never have stayed in contact with him if he hadn't told me he had cancer. But maybe I should have prayed for him and continued not being in touch with him? I don't get him at all anymore. And I don't know what I want anymore. Should I put my pride to the side and go visit him without his prompting? He was the one who cheated on me .... Should I stay with the guy of my dreams? Feeling alone in a new city wondering how it feels to be just a little bit bad? I dunno. help please. :(.
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Beauty620 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Beauty620 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 17 2013 at 10:41am
You have alot going on....I mean you just skipped on to many diff topics, you lost me in like the 3rd paragraph so I gave up reading the rest. 

Good luck with you sitcho.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 17 2013 at 11:02am
I can make it simple.
 
1) the ex bf that's got you lying to your current boyfriend, keeping secrets and basically is treating his girlfriend the way he treated you - he cheated on you .. is MANIPULATING you. All this back and forth crap but he can't figure out a way to come to your house? Nooo. I am sorry he has cancer and all but this is rediculous. You should sit down write him a long goodbye letter for closure on this relationship, wish him well and move on. Stop letting this guy lead you around by your nose! That's all the energy I will to waste on that one.
 
2) the current bf .. umm at 24 that is pretty darn young to settle down with one the rest of your life. 1 am 58 and I don't know anyone that got married that young and is stilll (happily) married. But it is possible.
 
If you are having doubts though DON'T get married/meet his familiy and all that at this point! That would be unfair him. And just because he is helping you move that does not mean you owe him a commitment for life.
 
If I were you, I would find someone else to help you move or delay the move or whatever. Then sit down and tell him how yow feel. That you love him but feel trapped that you feel like you are too young.
 
Gve it some time. Say for the next year you both go and do your own things. You in Pharm school and him in Med school and after a year so ... see how you feel. If it's real .. it will still be there.
 
Now DO NOT spend the whole time 'saving yourself' for this guy! GET OUT THERE and have fun, meet new people and live. For all your know - he is feeling the exact same way.
 
Talk to him.


Edited by Printer_Ink - Jul 17 2013 at 11:06am
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MaPetite View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MaPetite Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 18 2013 at 3:22am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

I can make it simple.
 
1) the ex bf that's got you lying to your current boyfriend, keeping secrets and basically is treating his girlfriend the way he treated you - he cheated on you .. is MANIPULATING you. All this back and forth crap but he can't figure out a way to come to your house? Nooo. I am sorry he has cancer and all but this is rediculous. You should sit down write him a long goodbye letter for closure on this relationship, wish him well and move on. Stop letting this guy lead you around by your nose! That's all the energy I will to waste on that one.
 
2) the current bf .. umm at 24 that is pretty darn young to settle down with one the rest of your life. 1 am 58 and I don't know anyone that got married that young and is stilll (happily) married. But it is possible.
 
If you are having doubts though DON'T get married/meet his familiy and all that at this point! That would be unfair him. And just because he is helping you move that does not mean you owe him a commitment for life.
 
If I were you, I would find someone else to help you move or delay the move or whatever. Then sit down and tell him how yow feel. That you love him but feel trapped that you feel like you are too young.
 
Gve it some time. Say for the next year you both go and do your own things. You in Pharm school and him in Med school and after a year so ... see how you feel. If it's real .. it will still be there.
 
Now DO NOT spend the whole time 'saving yourself' for this guy! GET OUT THERE and have fun, meet new people and live. For all your know - he is feeling the exact same way.
 
Talk to him.


Thanks very much for the detailed response. I haven't lied to my bf regarding my ex... I did tell him we speak and why, I just didn't know how to bring up that I wanted to go see him. I've never really understood my ex at all, he acts like he cares then acts like doesn't, and back and forth. I just worry about him because he's sick and wanted to go reassure myself that he's okay, but you're definite right in that he couldn't even make his way to my house.

I've spoken to my bf about feeling too young, since he's had the chance to have many multiple relationships in the past but he takes it to mean I need to try new dick before I know I'm content, which isn't what it's about at all. Forever is just sounding like forever, and I don't want him to plan his life around me, because then I would feel horrible to even ask for some time to reflect. I've never been the type to get out and have fun, even I was single, but I feel like I'm living like I'm 30 at age 24. I appreciate the advice however.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 18 2013 at 3:26pm
1) former bf is .. playing you. Again I am sorry and you can also be sorry he has cancer .. but this back and forth crap ... even while is he sick - speaks volumes. I would think that if he felt bad about the way things ended he would contact you,  make his peace with you and then move on to make his peace with whoever else he messed over. This is what people do when they have cancer and they ate worried they may not make it. They want to 'get their house in order'. As adverse to this fella that knows you still care for him so he's jerking youy chain every which a way .. while using his cancer to make you feel sorry for him.
Write a nice good bye letter and F him. (you've gotta learn how to cut these loser loose early on in life.)
 
2) current guy .. um if his is saying that he is worried that you need to try new dick .., I would be careful. Sound insecure/jealopus amd CONTROLLING and you don't want to marry a controlling guy!
 
In truth .. he has tried all sorts of P in his life .. but he does not want to let you have the same options? Ummm. Even if you don't want to try different dick ... you should have the option of trying different relationships with different guys. This is normal and helps you figure out what guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. That's called ... dating.
 
You do sound like you have thrown in the towel .. at the tender age of 24. (shrugs) You will get married to this guy and then what? Spend the rest of your life wondering what you missed?
 
Not fair. I think your bf is trying to lock you in - but follow your heart - do what you want because... forever is a long time.
 
I think if you KNEW he was the one ... you would not be feeling this way.


Edited by Printer_Ink - Jul 18 2013 at 3:38pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote cece1987 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 19 2013 at 1:14am
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