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How to make friends?

 
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_ConcreteRose_ View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (10) Thanks(10)   Quote _ConcreteRose_ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 9:16pm
Originally posted by sexyandfamous sexyandfamous wrote:



Actually, most black women don't like me. When I first started my college, which has a high rate of blacks, black girls would stare at my hair in the elevator, double check my head if I was going upstairs on a floor beneath them, maybe to figure out if my hair was real or not. And I guess once they realized it was real, they didn't want to talk to meCry

I have complimented many girls on their clothes or acessories, especially because when I do I always want to know where they got it, but maybe I catch them at the wrong time because the convo doesn't evolve from that. Or they were unfriendly. Or they thought I was hitting on themOuch
SF, you kind of remind me of my friend. She has a hard time making friends as well. I've been the girl with no friends and the girl with a lot of friends so Imma thow in my .02 and you can take it how you will.

I think what you mentioned above is actualy a case of the spotlight effect (and it's common, most people are like this to some extent). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect It's basically the tendency to overestimate how much surrounding others notice your appearance or behavior. It makes people belive that they are being judged for whatever, when in actuality people aren't paying you any attention. They are too wrapped up in their own worries to care. You said you have "bitch face". People probably think you're judging them just as you think they're judging you.

So here's my advice. Get out of your head. You're thinking too much and overanalyzing people's actions. Chances are most women don't care if you hair is real or not. And chances of that being indicative of if they want to be your friend or not is even smaller. And even if they are, so what? Those aren't people that deserve your friendship.

I see you give complements and thats actually a good step. But if people say thanks and move along, don't take it as a diss. They might have something to do or don't have time to chat. Just be happy in the fact that you were being a nice person and possibly made them happy for a sec. Trust me, if you are friendly, people will be friendly back.. including black women. Join clubs, sports, groups and make an effort to actually be active in them. Ask people questions about themselves and be genuinely interested in the answer. 

An example from my life would be I joined a new club this year. Didn't know anyone in the club. And even though I was a bit shy,  I voluneered, went to events and was an active member of the club even though I was the only one there who didn't know anyone else.  Of course that didn't last long. One of the members is ripped. Like you can tell she works hard in the gym. So I asked her if she lifted weights? She said yeah and I told her I wanted to learn but don't know the correct form. BAM now I have a gym buddy. (These are all black people btw)

Another example: I said you reminded me of my friend because she takes people looking at her as a diss as well. We're friends because I literally walked up to her and said, "Hey! are you headed to that party tonight?" and ended with "mind if I tag along with you?" She's a very friendly person, but no one would know, unless they're making it super obvious that they aren't percieving her in a negative light, because she's alway on the defensive about percieved judging.

Last example, Theres this guy I have a crush on, and I can barely make eyecontact with him. Much less be friendly because Im so worried about if my hair looks bad, what if he thinks Im weird, what if I embarrass myself when I talk. Also, I sometimes think about if he's jealous Im in a higher class even though we stared out in the same classes. Needless to say, this friendship is going nowhere. Im all up inside my head. 

Ok this was long. Anyway, this is def something I have struggled with in the past, and someone tellin me this was needed. Just my .02. Sorry for the typos.
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ModelessDiva View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (5) Thanks(5)   Quote ModelessDiva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 9:25pm
Originally posted by sexyandfamous sexyandfamous wrote:



Actually, most black women don't like me. When I first started my college, which has a high rate of blacks, black girls would stare at my hair in the elevator, double check my head if I was going upstairs on a floor beneath them, maybe to figure out if my hair was real or not. And I guess once they realized it was real, they didn't want to talk to meCry

I have complimented many girls on their clothes or acessories, especially because when I do I always want to know where they got it, but maybe I catch them at the wrong time because the convo doesn't evolve from that. Or they were unfriendly. Or they thought I was hitting on themOuch



I know you not serious Confused





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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ModelessDiva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 9:27pm

i wanna see this exotical hurr 

Embarrassed






Edited by ModelessDiva - Dec 08 2013 at 9:34pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rickysrose Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 9:51pm
ahhh I hope you make friends OP

Maybe something interactive like a book club or volunteer work?


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (6) Thanks(6)   Quote ThatGurlD Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 10:08pm
I will tell you this, be careful who you allow to be your friend.  Don't be so lonely or desperate that the first woman who has three things in common with you is the new BFF.  Friendships take time to develop but they are worth it.  

If you have a workout buddy, invite her for coffee or pedicures on a rest day.  If you have a coworker you get along with at work, invite her for appetizers before checking out a new movie.  You have to put forth some effort and then you have to follow up.  Call every few days to chit chat.  A lot of people hate talking on the phone but it's one of those things that if you want to make a friend, you have to be a friend.

Lastly, don't gossip.  It's tempting but it's really off-putting.  It makes women look stuck up and catty.  Resist the urge.  No one wants to be friends with the gossiper.  

Hope that's helpful.  Good luck OP!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Spokenword Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 10:29pm
i think once you start being more optimistic and inviting and genuine, you will meet friends.  
i always find it interesting when women say they don't have female friends or friends at all.

i think that what you put out, you get in return. so maybe evaluating yourself and what vibes you put out in the air will help you as well.

Concreterose gave some helpful advice as well!


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote kerysdream7 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 10:32pm
Originally posted by ms_wonderland ms_wonderland wrote:

I really hate asking ppl for money, it's one of my hang ups...I have because it's necessary but I always feel like money exchange should be this unspoken thing. And gas money shouldn't be expected among friends unless it's an all the time thing.

Same here.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BBpants Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 10:38pm
Originally posted by ThatGurlD ThatGurlD wrote:

I will tell you this, be careful who you allow to be your friend.  Don't be so lonely or desperate that the first woman who has three things in common with you is the new BFF.  Friendships take time to develop but they are worth it.  

If you have a workout buddy, invite her for coffee or pedicures on a rest day.  If you have a coworker you get along with at work, invite her for appetizers before checking out a new movie.  You have to put forth some effort and then you have to follow up.  Call every few days to chit chat.  A lot of people hate talking on the phone but it's one of those things that if you want to make a friend, you have to be a friend.

Lastly, don't gossip.  It's tempting but it's really off-putting.  It makes women look stuck up and catty.  Resist the urge.  No one wants to be friends with the gossiper.  

Hope that's helpful.  Good luck OP!


Another reason why I need new friends. I can't stand talking on the phone. My friends already know to call me only if it's an emergency or change of plans LOL And the convo has to be under 5 mins.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote HaitianDiva64 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 08 2013 at 10:46pm
Great advice in this thread.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 09 2013 at 12:23pm
Originally posted by ModelessDiva ModelessDiva wrote:


i wanna see this exotical hurr 

Embarrassed






haha! as ConcreteRose said, I was probably tripping and no one was giving a damn, but I did see many girls staring at my head and I was not wearing anything on my head so that's why I concluded they were staring at my hair. I have a caramel colored complexion and my hair is I guess is something between 1c-2c (on winter it looks straighter for some reason)? dunno, so that's why I concluded that they were staring because they didn't believe it was real.


Edited by sexyandfamous - Dec 09 2013 at 12:25pm
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