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How do you make it work?

 
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maysay1 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maysay1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:22am
Originally posted by **Sk!TtLeS B** **Sk!TtLeS B** wrote:

Originally posted by rickysrose rickysrose wrote:



as an affectionate person I can't imagine a hug, kiss, smile, encouraging words, etc being hard or taxing

I think that may have been his issue ... not realizing that it is much deeper than that for some people

I think people just assume there's a power play or mean spiritedness involved

can someone explain the other side ... how/why it's hard to be affectionate?  



It just is. 
Some people just arent affectionate. That doesnt mean that anything is wrong with them, nor does it mean that they have some unresolved childhood trauma. Some people are just receivers while others are givers. 


Yup.

You know how some couples, if they're in a room together, they have to be touching or in close proximity. And other couples you might never see them touch at all. Both styles work for those couples. But if you took one from the touchy couple and put them with one from the non-touchy couple, it wouldn't work. Neither of them needs to change...they just need to be with the right partner.


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EPITOME View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote EPITOME Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:55am
Originally posted by creole booty creole booty wrote:

Kind of sounds like she's just not that into him. He was the safe option.

now that is a thread. make it girlBig smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:17am
my unresolved childhood trauma comment was in regards to the husband.
He has some issues with his mother, and took it into his marriage.


Edited by Derri - Jan 14 2013 at 2:20am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:19am
Originally posted by maysay1 maysay1 wrote:

Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

Originally posted by BBpants BBpants wrote:

I love a man that shows me lots of attention and affection. He can marry me. Smile

Me too.
Every night my SO and I cuddle. I sleep in his arms. He comes into the kitchen when I'm cooking and kiss me up. Couldn't be with a man who wasn't affectionate.




And you couldn't just change from being the type of person who wants affection shown often to being the type of person who wants it rarely, if at all. It's just who you are.

I think it's unfair (and ridiculous) to expect either one of these people to change their natures. In this case, the mistake is his because he went into thinking she was going to change a fundamental part of herself.



Totally agree.
If I were her, I'd try (as compromise to acknowledge my husband's needs and to try to make him happier)  but there is no guarantee that I could keep it up forever.


Edited by Derri - Jan 14 2013 at 2:21am
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**Sk!TtLeS B** View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote **Sk!TtLeS B** Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:22am
Originally posted by Derri Derri wrote:

my unresolved childhood trauma comment was in regards to the husband.


I know. 

Ricky didnt understand how people couldnt be naturally affectionate. I took it as her thinking there's something wrong with these people, instead of them just being different.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jonesable Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:27am
I'm sure the problem didnt just show up overnight.
It's probably something he complained about constantly or it caused a rift before so I don't really blame him.
He proposed knowing it was an issue and she accepted his hand and marriage knowing they weren't compatible in that way but loved each other anyway.

Ok but the problem is still here and it's not an easy problem to fix.
Compromise do it bc he likes kisses and hugs and he has to calm down and try to not be clingy.
Nope it's not easy but I don't see any other fix to a forced match except divorce.

So suck it up I guess
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote afrokock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:35am
probably has her own play thing

you're right jonsie people just dont shut down overnight
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote EPITOME Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:38am
damn---id be embarrassed to say im getting divorced bc i wont hug my dh. 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Prazol60 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:53am
It can work if both can learn to work together to each other what they want. Ok, he gained weight so if the two of them can find some time then work out together or do a sport like tennis. This way they are spending time together and he might then get that extra affectation he desires. Working out will release some hormonse that will make her feel more loving to him.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote afrokock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:54am
Originally posted by **Sk!TtLeS B** **Sk!TtLeS B** wrote:



Originally posted by rickysrose rickysrose wrote:





it should be okay to be clingy with spouse ... who else would you cling to?

recoiling at a loved one's touch (she does say she loves him) ... seems like she either doesn't love him or has some post traumatic stress syndrome symptoms

I think I have some ptsd symptoms as well ... I'm very jumpy and I startle easily


Some people dont like clingy, because clingy can go from cute to annoying real quick. But like Gkisses said, the alternative isnt to ignore them. 

Of course I would want affection, but a clingy SO would drive me insane. If he's up under her 24/7, when he wants to have sex with her she's probably already burnt out and annoyed.

His mistake was marrying someone who wasnt as affectionate as he'd like and hoping she would change. Her mistake was marrying someone who was more affectionate than she'd like and (Im assuming) hoping it would lessen over time. I think they can make it work, if they're both willing to compromise and come to a healthy medium. 



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