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How do you make it work?

 
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Gkisses View Drop Down
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    Posted: Jan 13 2013 at 4:50pm

Tracy 40 (Dentist)
Derrick 40 (Software Engineer)
Married: 15 years
2 Kids  (13 and 11)

BkGd:  For nearly their entire marriage, Derrick has wanted more affection, attention and intimacy from his wife. Tracy loves her husband but his neediness is suffocating her. Derrick isn't sure he can go on with the rejection anymore


Tracy POV:

-Ive never been an openly affectionate person
-He knew this before we got married
-Our marriage works we have enough money and we're good at keeping our HH and kids on schedule and organized
-We have sex at least once a week which is more that most
-I love him and tell him but thats not enough for him
-Always this pressure on me to give more and its suffocating
-I have a busy dental practice and after a long day of tending to other ppl I dont have enough energy to think about what Derrick wants.
-Having sex just feels like one more chore, but sometimes i still go through with it
-He gained weight and im not that attracted anymore
-When hes gone it gives me a chance to miss him, a chance to breath
-I feel like he attacks me when we talk


Derrick POV:
-I need a woman who doesn't recoil when I touch her
-I was hoping it would change when we got married, I thought there was something I could do that would make her more into me-or that i wasn't giving her what she needed
-She can be so cold and distant and makes it feel like its my fault
-I think the weight thing is an easy excuse. A couple years ago I trained for a marathon and got in good shape and she was just as affectionate.
-When Im away on business its confusing because she says sweet things over the phone but when I come home shes completely indifferent again
-When I bring it up she avoids the topic

(ETA)
Question:

Is it possible that this marriage can work?
Can ppl  who are not affectionate change or are they set in their ways?
Is he asking for to much?
What should be done ?


Edited by Gkisses - Jan 13 2013 at 4:58pm
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blaquefoxx View Drop Down
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Points: 63291 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (6) Thanks(6)   Quote blaquefoxx Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 13 2013 at 4:52pm
She needs to STFU and make it work before she loose himStern Smile
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zolloh View Drop Down
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They need to watch Dr. Berman's show (In the Bedroom?) on OWN, lots of those couples have these same issues
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EPITOME View Drop Down
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i dont understand the topic BUT this was his mistake

I was hoping it would change when we got married, I thought there was something I could do that would make her more into me-or that i wasn't giving her what she needed
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Points: 166791 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote ms_wonderland Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 13 2013 at 4:55pm
He should get a college mistress. She's not going to change and neither is he.
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divorce..

lol i keeed but they really need to learn to meet in the middle.

1 they need to talk it all out.
2. maybe if he lost some weight... she'd be more attracted to him and their would be more fawking and affection showed.
3. she needs to try and be there for him a little bit more.
4. he needs to learn to back up and give her some space.
5.have a threesome.. spice shyt up...lol 
6. possibly consider a therapist a less naked type of threesome. 
7. make a date night...once a week so they can just focus on each other
8.have a let them have a personal space day " where maybe she relaxes" " he watches sports or something" just a day when they aren't in each others hair all the fawkin time...and they get a chance to miss each other a little bit.


Edited by nycdiva357 - Jan 13 2013 at 4:58pm
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keelolo1 View Drop Down
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Points: 21556 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (6) Thanks(6)   Quote keelolo1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 13 2013 at 4:57pm
Originally posted by blaquefoxx blaquefoxx wrote:

<font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif">She needs to STFU and make it work before she loose himStern Smile



Pretty much sums that up. She has a husband that actually WANTS to be with her. Wonder what she would do if he gets affection from somewhere else.
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Addicted19034 View Drop Down
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Points: 81160 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote Addicted19034 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 13 2013 at 4:58pm
Sounds like she just doesn't like him anymore
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Is it possible that this marriage can work? Nope.

Can ppl  who are not affectionate change or are they set in their ways? Nope, they can't change who they are. And that's true for a lot of things...some people are highly sexual, some people are asexual...some people love and need to be touched all the time, some people need 5 ft of personal space all the time...that's not going to change no matter how much counseling they go to or quality time they spend together.

Is he asking for to much? No, he's just asking for it from the wrong person.

What should be done ? They should divorce and find people that are a better fit.
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jonesable View Drop Down
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Points: 203171 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jonesable Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jan 13 2013 at 5:14pm
I agree with mayday it's always gonna cause problems.
Either he or she do without it and just put what they have together before those personal needs or they go separate ways.

But changing aint gonna happen.
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