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Honest advice needed please!

 
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Cali naps View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Cali naps Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 07 2012 at 10:28pm
Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Op, what do you mean by "beat"? Do you means spanking or straight out violence? If he seriously physically abused you, I really don't think that you should contact him again or get too close to him. Unless, he comes to realize what he did was just plain evil. If you mean "beat" as in spanking than I don't think it really is that big of a deal and maybe he was just frustrated at the pressures of being a parent and having to sacrifice alot for his kids. As far as your mother is concerned, I think you should still keep her in your life because she is your mother no matter what. And no matter what if she is in need you need to be the bigger person and try to help when you can. But I don't think you should share intimate parts of your life with her and try to keep it civil. It's no good to be completely isolated from your family because I can see that if you are even asking this question you seem to love your family despite the issues you are having. When I found out that my father was spending all our money on prostitution and thats why we couldn't eat or do things I was soo angry and I wanted him to die. But I realize now that I have to be the bigger person because he can't be. Please PM me anytime you want. I know family drama hurts but one day you will get married, have friends of your own and live a satisfying life. As we get older we depend less and less on our parents anyway so it's not like you are forced to live with them 24/7, you will be fine. You just have to trust your gut.
He didn't spank me. He was either one extreme or the other. Either he wouldn't touch mr or he would choke me until and i blacked out or he'd slap and shake me.  Thanks so much. I think i might pm because I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get over this
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princesshoneybee View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote princesshoneybee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 07 2012 at 10:29pm
Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

NO! How does that seem like im trolling? My mom broke up with my dad after she got pregnant with me but she moved in with him when I was eight and thats when all this started happening. She wasn't always like this

How old are you cali?
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kaai View Drop Down
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live your life!
you cant fix them

 get you some space away from them.....


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Cali naps View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Cali naps Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 07 2012 at 10:30pm
Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

NO! How does that seem like im trolling? My mom broke up with my dad after she got pregnant with me but she moved in with him when I was eight and thats when all this started happening. She wasn't always like this

How old are you cali?
19
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All righty then. Well, good luck sweetie. Take care. Hug 
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Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Op, what do you mean by "beat"? Do you means spanking or straight out violence? If he seriously physically abused you, I really don't think that you should contact him again or get too close to him. Unless, he comes to realize what he did was just plain evil. If you mean "beat" as in spanking than I don't think it really is that big of a deal and maybe he was just frustrated at the pressures of being a parent and having to sacrifice alot for his kids. As far as your mother is concerned, I think you should still keep her in your life because she is your mother no matter what. And no matter what if she is in need you need to be the bigger person and try to help when you can. But I don't think you should share intimate parts of your life with her and try to keep it civil. It's no good to be completely isolated from your family because I can see that if you are even asking this question you seem to love your family despite the issues you are having. When I found out that my father was spending all our money on prostitution and thats why we couldn't eat or do things I was soo angry and I wanted him to die. But I realize now that I have to be the bigger person because he can't be. Please PM me anytime you want. I know family drama hurts but one day you will get married, have friends of your own and live a satisfying life. As we get older we depend less and less on our parents anyway so it's not like you are forced to live with them 24/7, you will be fine. You just have to trust your gut.
He didn't spank me. He was either one extreme or the other. Either he wouldn't touch mr or he would choke me until and i blacked out or he'd slap and shake me.  Thanks so much. I think i might pm because I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get over this
 

In that case, please avoid your father. Forgive him from your heart but please try not to get emotionally close to him or your mother for that matter. I think you should keep it civil as in if they call you, talk to them. But don't go out of your way. Have you ever confronted him about this abuse, now that your an adult? Did your mother ever attempt to get medical help for you or did she cover for him?
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princesshoneybee View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote princesshoneybee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 07 2012 at 10:33pm
Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

NO! How does that seem like im trolling? My mom broke up with my dad after she got pregnant with me but she moved in with him when I was eight and thats when all this started happening. She wasn't always like this

How old are you cali?
19
 

Yikes.Do you still live at home?
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Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

He didn't spank me. He was either one extreme or the other. Either he wouldn't touch mr or he would choke me until and i blacked out or he'd slap and shake me.  Thanks so much. I think i might pm because I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get over this

This is coming from someone who grew up with a mentally ill/absuive/addict mother who allowed other people to abuse me as well.

This is not something you just "get over". You are not overreacting and this will take TIME. I'm assuming you don't live with them anymore. That's the first hurdle because you are not physically or financially dependent upon them. If you are financially dependent in any way (like you need their tax info for school aid or you are on their health insurance)...do the bare minimum you need to do to keep a civil relationship until you are no longer dependent. That is going to mean a lot of pretending but do it if you have to.

At the same time, you need to take care of you. If you have access to counseling/therapy through school or a community program, get in it. If you don't, then start journaling and seeking out help from free sources (honestly really captainawkward has helped me a lot, especially with all the links to good books to read about relationships and dealing with these issues).

You have to recognize that you've experienced a lot of trauma. And the emotional scars from physical abuse plus the fact that your mother did not protect you are going to be deep and ugly and take a long time to heal. And each time you engage with her it's like reopening the wound. At the same time you have to allow yourself to grieve what you have lost (a loving, good parent-child relationship).

Like I said, this is not something to just "get over". It will take time, and work, and accepting that they will probably never change. You can only change you and heal yourself. And build your own family (friends, spouse, mentors, people who are totally 100% team you). 
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Cali naps View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Cali naps Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 07 2012 at 10:40pm
Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Op, what do you mean by "beat"? Do you means spanking or straight out violence? If he seriously physically abused you, I really don't think that you should contact him again or get too close to him. Unless, he comes to realize what he did was just plain evil. If you mean "beat" as in spanking than I don't think it really is that big of a deal and maybe he was just frustrated at the pressures of being a parent and having to sacrifice alot for his kids. As far as your mother is concerned, I think you should still keep her in your life because she is your mother no matter what. And no matter what if she is in need you need to be the bigger person and try to help when you can. But I don't think you should share intimate parts of your life with her and try to keep it civil. It's no good to be completely isolated from your family because I can see that if you are even asking this question you seem to love your family despite the issues you are having. When I found out that my father was spending all our money on prostitution and thats why we couldn't eat or do things I was soo angry and I wanted him to die. But I realize now that I have to be the bigger person because he can't be. Please PM me anytime you want. I know family drama hurts but one day you will get married, have friends of your own and live a satisfying life. As we get older we depend less and less on our parents anyway so it's not like you are forced to live with them 24/7, you will be fine. You just have to trust your gut.
He didn't spank me. He was either one extreme or the other. Either he wouldn't touch mr or he would choke me until and i blacked out or he'd slap and shake me.  Thanks so much. I think i might pm because I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get over this
 

In that case, please avoid your father. Forgive him from your heart but please try not to get emotionally close to him or your mother for that matter. I think you should keep it civil as in if they call you, talk to them. But don't go out of your way. Have you ever confronted him about this abuse, now that your an adult? Did your mother ever attempt to get medical help for you or did she cover for him?
No I just avoid him and she never took to the doctor or anything. Normally he would leave after he did something like that so she would make sure I was okay until he got back
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Cali naps View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Cali naps Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Dec 07 2012 at 10:42pm
Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

Originally posted by princesshoneybee princesshoneybee wrote:

Originally posted by Cali naps Cali naps wrote:

NO! How does that seem like im trolling? My mom broke up with my dad after she got pregnant with me but she moved in with him when I was eight and thats when all this started happening. She wasn't always like this

How old are you cali?
19
 

Yikes.Do you still live at home?
No. I left when I was 16
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