You probably already know that the Bible you have on your lap
as you fact-check Cracked articles has been heavily edited. That's not
necessarily a bad thing, it's just that, as you can imagine, over the
centuries lots of people have tried adding their own books to it, to
advance an agenda or because they thought it would spice things up.
The point is, there are whole other books that used to be part of the
Bible, until someone took a hard look and said, "No way." And it's too
bad, because some of the miracles performed in these apocryphal texts
are freaking amazing.
#5. John: Commander of Bed Bugs
Early Christians considered The Acts of John
to be the gospel truth, just like the Four Gospels and the fact that
it's going to rain right after you get your car washed. That is, until
church officials took a harder look at the stories in the book in 325. Not only was The Acts of John
bounced out of the Bible, but the church burned all known copies.
That's how bananas it was. Keep that in mind as you read further.
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"And it came to pass that the LORD did a sick-ass back flip, and the panties did fly with the wings of a dove."
So, John is traveling around to spread the gospel as far as he can
and has amassed a decent following. The group he is traveling with comes
to an abandoned inn, and they decide to rest for the night. Too bad
there's only one bed, which obviously goes to John. Double too bad that
the bed is full of bed bugs. How do the apostles know? Because John
talks to them. Not the friends, the bugs:
I say unto you, O bugs, behave yourselves, one and all, and leave
your abode for this night and remain quiet in one place, and keep your
distance from the servants of God.
"Behave yourselves," he says, like he's talking to a pre-K room of humans or characters in an Austin Powers
movie. The next morning, when the group wakes up, they see a brigade of
bed bugs standing patiently outside the door of the inn, waiting:
"Since ye have well behaved yourselves in hearkening to my rebuke, come unto your place."
"But wipe your damn feet, I just mopped!"
John invites the bed bugs back into the house, and they immediately
crawl back into the bed and disappear into the crevices. Win-win for
#4. Peter, the Talking Dog and the Resurrected Fish
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If The Acts of Peter
are to be believed, Peter was like that kid who would eat hot sauce
laced with dirt if you just dared him hard enough. He'd do anything to
convince unbelievers he was a true representative of God, which kind of
makes sense if you remember that Peter was the guy who denied even
knowing Jesus three times the night before the Crucifixion. He had a lot
of making up to do.
"We don't even have a number for how many Hail Marys that is. Just keep praying till I tell you to stop."
Now, we're going to go more into this in a minute, but Peter had a
bizarre grudge against a Jewish magician named Simon. Simon, according
to Peter, was leading people astray and sullying God's name. In Peter's
head, the whole Simon thing could be solved with a few miracles. Miracle
One: Give a dog the voice of a man to send a warning.
And Peter, seeing a great dog bound with a strong chain, went to
him and loosed him, and when he was loosed the dog received a man's
voice and said unto Peter: What dost thou bid me to do, thou servant of
the unspeakable and living God? Peter said unto him: Go in and say unto
Simon in the midst of his company: Peter saith unto thee, Come forth
abroad, for thy sake am I come to Rome, thou wicked one and deceiver of
Oh, shiiiiit. Peter just summoned Simon via dog. VIA DOG. And check this out.
And immediately the dog ran and entered in, and rushed into the
midst of them that were with Simon, and lifted up his forefeet and in a
loud voice said ...
What he said was not important. He said what Peter told him to say,
which, P.S., isn't too crazy in the Bible world since a donkey got the power of speech in the Old Testament. What's crazy is that this dog stands up
to deliver the message. He stood up like people. This dog becomes the
star of the show, which kind of plays out like a low-rent soap opera.
But Simon saith to the dog: Say that I am not here.
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"Just be cool and cover for me, dude."
To which Dog replies:
Hast thou taken thought so long, to say at last: 'Tell him that I
am not within?' Art thou not ashamed to utter thy feeble and useless
words against Peter the minister and apostle of Christ.
Simon gets shamed by a walking, shockingly eloquent dog. Eventually Dog reports back to Peter.
And when the dog had said this he fell down at the apostle Peter's feet and gave up the ghost.
He died. The dog died. And still the people weren't totally convinced
Peter was the real deal. Maybe because HE KILLED A DOG to prove a
point. So Peter, Jesus' favorite *&%^$#@Eup, makes things right with another
miracle. He looks around the room and, completely overlooking the fact
that the greatest dog that has ever lived is lying dead right in front
of him, notices a smoked herring (or sardine, depending on the
translation) in the window and asks the crowd if he should resurrect it:
If ye now see this swimming in the water like a fish, will ye be able to believe in him whom I preach?
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Only if it sings "Putting on the Ritz."
"Pleeeeeease?" (We're imagining he was kind of whiney about it.) The
crowd agrees that seeing a dead fish swim would be enough of a sign for
them to believe Peter. So Peter steps over the dead dog, grabs the fish,
and throws what is undoubtedly someone's supper into a bath. It
immediately starts swimming. The next thing you know ...
And seeing this, many followed Peter and believed in the Lord.
Talking, walking dog, not so much. A resurrected fish? Truly your God is the one and only true God.
#3. Jesus Returns as a Giant
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Most of us have seen enough church to know the story of Jesus'
resurrection from the dead. He's buried in a tomb, which is kind of like
a cave with a big rock in front of it. Three days after his death,
there's a great commotion, and one or two angels come down from heaven
to roll away the stone blocking the tomb. Jesus emerges and proceeds to
rock history with his message.
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Complete with a 20-minute guitar solo.
But when fragments of The Gospel of Peter
were found buried in Egypt in 1886, the details of the resurrection
story were a little different. The first to get on the scene on Easter
Sunday see this:
... they saw again three men come out of the sepulchre, and two
of them sustaining the other, and a cross following, after them. And of
the two they saw that their heads reached unto heaven, but of him that
was led by them that it overpassed the heavens. And they heard a voice
out of the heavens saying: "Hast thou (or Thou hast) preached unto them
that sleep?" And an answer was heard from the cross, saying: "Yea."
"Would you mind taking him down? He's starting to get a little heavy."
When the angels and Jesus get out of the tomb where Jesus used to be
dead, they turn into giants. The angels' heads reach up to the clouds
and Jesus' noggin went up even further so that he can have some
one-on-one time with God. Then God says,
"DID YOU GO TALK TO THE UNDEAD YET?"
"YEAH," said the cross.
"Yes," the cross answered. We don't even know if the cross was
walking along on its own legs or bouncing behind them like a pogo stick.
Maybe it had a mouth. The writer didn't specify. Honestly, if you've
got a choice between staring at giant Jesus and an anthropomorphic
cross, where are you going to look? It's no wonder he didn't get all the
#2. Jesus is a Talking Star
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The Revelation of the Magi
is a newly translated tale of the Christmas story from the perspective
of the wise men (Magi) who brought gifts to the baby Jesus. It starts
off as most Christmas stories do, with a tight-fisted old grump learning
the meaning of the season and Santa secretly being real all along.
Also, the birth of baby Jesus triggers an astronomical anomaly that
lures curious well-wishers.
Sadly, the only record is text since it happened before the invention of Russia and dash cams.
Now, in the version you know, the star was just a bright spot in the
night sky, gently guiding the Magi to a stable in Bethlehem. In this
apocryphal version, the star descends from the desert sky, hangs out in a
"Cave of Treasures of Hidden Mysteries" and has baby arms that beckon
the wise men to him.
And (something) like the hand of a small person drew near in our
eyes from the pillar and the star â�¦ and we saw the star enter the Cave
of Treasures and Hidden Mysteries and the cave shone beyond measure.
"And within the cave we found a blue genie who would not shut the hell up."
So the star is a little person. That person is Jesus the Pre-Born
Star Child. Star Jesus tells the Wise Men his whole future -- all of it.
Starting with how he's going to get born at any second now.
I will be born like a human being. And again, worship me there: Even now, as I am speaking with you, I am also there.
So even as Mary is pushing through her contractions, Star Child Jesus
is off in the desert in a cave, chilling with some exotic foreigners.
And can you blame him? If you were all-knowing while getting birthed,
wouldn't you want to get the hell out of town?
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"Call me when you're ready for the circumcision!"
Jesus goes on to explain, like, how he's going to eventually die on a
cross and tells them to take all the treasures in the cave and bring
them to come meet ... himself ... again, presumably so they can to turn
them over to baby Jesus when they get to Bethlehem. In this version of
the Nativity, Jesus is both a star and a hustler.
The Magi then set off on their journey as the Jesustar leads them,
but the star doesn't just stay in the sky in the direction that the Magi
should follow. The star is literally leading them along. The star gives
them food and makes it so they don't tire out. They can walk day and
night because the star outshines even the sun. The star levels
mountains, allows the Magi to walk on water, and ...
when we crossed into the places [of beasts and vicious snakes], we trampled them with our feet.
... walk on animals, before finally reaching their destination.
#1. Peter the Wizard-Slayer
So you're hanging out in Rome when word gets out that there's going
to be a wizard battle: The forces of good are challenging the forces of
evil. "Sweet!" you say, before discretely dropping a Horcrux. Before you
know it the Bad Wizard proves his superior powers by flying above the
city. If any of this sounds familiar, you're probably thinking of
Voldemort and Dumbledore/Harry Potter, except things didn't end up
nearly as awful for He Who Must Have Apnea Because He Doesn't Have a
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It's hard to take a supervillain seriously when they sound like they have a perpetual sinus cold.
Now, to pick up where we left off with Peter and Simon the magician
... Peter's given a dog a voice and resurrected a fish, so Simon knows
he's got to do something huge to win back his followers. Good thing HE
KNOWS HOW TO FLY. For real, Simon goes up to a high place and begins flying over Rome.
... Peter seeing the strangeness of the sight cried unto the Lord
Jesus Christ: If thou suffer this man to accomplish that which he hath
set about, now will all they that have believed on thee be offended, and
the signs and wonders which thou hast given them through me will not be
believed: Hasten thy grace, O Lord, and let him fall from the height
and be disabled; and let him not die but be brought to nought, and break
his leg in three places. And he fell from the height and broke his leg
in three places.
Tsu Dho Nimh
And in three places his leg did break.
What the hell? First up, the guy that's not on God's side
can fly. Peter can't fly, but the allegedly dark lord of magic who's
leading believers astray can fly. Second up, fresh off the wisdom of "Do
unto others as you'd have done to you" and "Turn the other cheek,"
Peter, the foundation of the Christian Church and the first pope, asks
God to make this man fall to the ground and break his leg in three
places. And because God is petty, he does exactly what Peter asks -- and
No sooner had Simon fallen to the ground and shattered his leg, than
... every man cast stones at him and went away home.
Worst flash mob ever.
That's right, Simon is writhing around on the ground in pain with a
broken leg, and the crowd stones him. Simon later dies while having his
leg operated on. So instead of praying for Simon to have a quick and
painless death, he ends up putting Simon through the worst physical and
emotional pain imaginable, which eventually leads to his death.
Apparently God works prayers on genie wish rules. Peter appears to want
to show Simon some mercy, and we can just picture God saying, "As you
wish. Wink." Yes, we picture God as the type of person who says "Wink"
when they wink.
So you can probably see why this torture PICS of a gospel didn't make it into the canon.