All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.
First, I agree with most posters. It's true, this does happen.
I would say that we tend to not pay attention to the positive experiences because what u mentioned about ur friends overseas happens to me everyday in America and I'm black. Dark skinned. 4a/b hair. Thick. I see the light skin vs dark skin problems, but I don't embody them. I also see the tons of stares, recognize the compliments, the flirting, it may not come from who u want or expect ALL the time, but it happens. Remember the little old lady who loved ur hair or the man at the grocery store who smiled when u made eye contact. Be confident. Exude happiness and make ur own self worth. These peoples compliments or ideas off trivial things. When u look like someone who knows that ur the sh*t, people automatically fall in line. Not everyone finds ONLY light skin or ONLY dark skin girls. It's 300 million people in the us. All of whom have different preferences. Hell, some people prefer midgets. Do u only eat one kind of ice team because that's the one u prefer? No, sometimes other favors call ur name. Same thing with people. Buck up kid! If ur personality is what people like, u can add that into ur walk, ur wardrobe, ur makeup, anything. Personality is truly what matters anyway and if you've already got it? Ur good! So ur friends may get attention, but you can keep attention. Trust me ur only 20, it gets better.
I think when you live in the same country as your slavemaster, having to fight and struggle with them for basic human rights, then still always having to stretch out your hand out to them for your bread and butter, yes there is bound to be a very unique mental process happening over time with the generations.
We as black people are not as independent enough in this society. We need to keep building! Action is the greatest restorer of confidence. (I see this being the issue in my nativr country as well)
Especially so in Canada, where I live now. There are far less black people with financial power, and even less doig anything to build the black community.
aww your daddy is why you love to write letters to your SO. so beautiful
i do believe in the importance of men in our community and on young girls. even women my age need their fathers to reinforce their beauty.
i got my hair done and i asked my daddy "daddy do i look nice?" he goes "you look beautiful and should keep your hair like that." me "i'll keep my hair like this if you tell me i look pretty." him "i'll give you a million compliments a day."
it's not as simple as fathers being around of course but i think self-esteem can be built so that outside influences dont effect our young girls as much. sure, i had my moments of self-doubt and insecurity but it never gets drastic and i think it's bc of my parents.
We are "insanely negative" because we are 'insanely judged' by everyone; therefore, we tend to critique each other fiercely when we know that the eyes of OTHERS are watching for fear that THEY will see our flaws first. It's a bit of self-hatred mixed in there too. We are so harsh on ourselves and each other because we feel we deserve it
It's that Double Consciousness W.E.B. DuBois referred too. We have this ability to look at ourselves through the prism of our own consciousness and yet, we also have this need to look at ourselves in the same way that everyone else does
modelbusiness82 wrote:
I would agree that the AA community is an insanely negative one at times. Very quick to look for flaws whether it's "weave checking" to the clothes, etc. Yes, everyone does it regardless of race (weave checking probably not so much!) but we seem to make it a national pass time.
I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....
I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo
In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)
Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.
Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?
None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that
We need a better plan to rid this issue
I completely agree with this. And i'd like to add on to it. Growing up, i loved my mother. I still do. My mother is the best and everyday I am thankful for the woman she has taught me to be. However, the feeling I felt inside when my father kissed me, rocked me, took me on dates is like I was bursting inside. I had been going on dates a few times a week with my father from the time I could eat solid food because when i was born, in the hospital he told my mom that he can't wait to take me for hamburgers and milkshakes. My mom gave him the side eye because I was about..3 hours old.
He really couldn't wait and as soon and I was able to eat meals like that, that man took me on our dates. I remember them vividly even now. He liked mints a lot, a special kind of mint that sells in Guyana. I was so small so his breath came down onto my face. The mints are black and smell like licorice and I eat them sometimes when I miss my father. I was falling in love with my father. He paid me attention, he told me I was beautiful, he hugged and kisses me. He was gentle with me and took his time while driving, stopping to check me and pinch my cheeks or kiss my ear. He loved to kiss my ears. He looked me in the eyes and said I love you honey, you are my special baby Derri. I have lots of love letters from my father professing his love to me. I write him as well. What i'm getting at is, my father's love made me confident. When I started to mature, I expected certain things from men. i held them to the standard of my father. I knew what kind of love to look for. One that professes love to me always, is gentle, giving, and unafraid to show it. As a woman, I got my life values from my mother, but my confidence from my father. As a teen, he wrote me love letters telling me that my acne didn't make me any less of the person. Omg young and dumb with blackgirlproblems i even vented about my nappy hair to him. He comforted me in letters about that as well.
Our fathers are sooo important for our self esteem. Not knowing if OP has her father or not, (and my father and I have a very complicated relationship) but I was inspired to share based on what alias_avi wrote. The world is effed up, but our parents and family can do their part in strengthening and thereby preparing us for it. And our little black baby boys and girls need it the most.
You have a very good father. A father worth mimicking.
All the black women I know who went overseas (especially Italy, Japan, Belgium, Ireland, Switzerland) they said they were either treated like royalty, or they got a lot of compliments and (good) stares because of their hair and skin. I know not everyone has this experience, but it goes to show you that everyone is attractive to someone.
First, I agree with most posters. It's true, this does happen.
I would say that we tend to not pay attention to the positive experiences because what u mentioned about ur friends overseas happens to me everyday in America and I'm black. Dark skinned. 4a/b hair. Thick. I see the light skin vs dark skin problems, but I don't embody them. I also see the tons of stares, recognize the compliments, the flirting, it may not come from who u want or expect ALL the time, but it happens. Remember the little old lady who loved ur hair or the man at the grocery store who smiled when u made eye contact. Be confident. Exude happiness and make ur own self worth. These peoples compliments or ideas off trivial things. When u look like someone who knows that ur the sh*t, people automatically fall in line. Not everyone finds ONLY light skin or ONLY dark skin girls. It's 300 million people in the us. All of whom have different preferences. Hell, some people prefer midgets. Do u only eat one kind of ice team because that's the one u prefer? No, sometimes other favors call ur name. Same thing with people. Buck up kid! If ur personality is what people like, u can add that into ur walk, ur wardrobe, ur makeup, anything. Personality is truly what matters anyway and if you've already got it? Ur good! So ur friends may get attention, but you can keep attention. Trust me ur only 20, it gets better.
I grew up with low self esteem (outside the family) but I flourished after I graduated high school. I became my own person; I became more sassy and outspoken, and put more effort into my style, and was more open to attention as opposed to intimidated.
Also, I always noticed that PERSONALITY and ATTITUDE is what keeps people interested in you. Like someone mentioned before, a lot of people do not know what they really want and images of what they should want are programmed into their heads.
I remember my good friend from college (an HBCU in Atlanta btw) who had beautiful dark skin, high cheekbones, average height and weight, banging style. Makeup and hair always on point, beautiful smile and personality- BLACK men FLOCKED to her. F-L-O-C-K-E-D. I was secretly taking notes
You can't deny a good personality, but in the end everyone has their preferences. It is impossible to please everyone.
We have harsher beauty standards for ourselves than the "Destroyers of Civilization" have for us.
And who caused that? You have to look at the cause and the effect. We didn't start this out of the blue, take back your own culture and make up the rules you have for it. Why would I deny myself cause of anything that I was born with because some twit doesn't like it, it's not rational nor logical. He doesn't have anything special that makes him better, its just there are more of his people here. But still he cannot rule my mind if I don't allow him to.
I think it's time we stop giving ourselves, investing in, and supporting others while leaving our asses wide open. In every aspect of life, the majority of us invest more time, effort, and money elsewhere instead of our own backyards. We need help...from us.
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honeyb87 wrote:
