I do think that it would help to put more effort into your appearance. Maybe experiment with fashion and make-up. Just try it out for a little while and see what happens. I'm not sure what else to say, I tend to have trouble articulating my opinions. I guess all I can say is that I hope things get better for you I used to have very low self-esteem so I empathize greatly
Sadly everything you said rings true in society. If you are the brown/black one hanging around nothing but light & mixed girls then I completely get that you are treated this way. While you may have your own unique beauty, the people you're around are drawing those who are struck by their brand of beauty but when they get around you they're dismissive of yours. Have you considered branching out? Hanging with other dark skinned black girls? Sometimes it's best to clique up with women who are similar to you so there's none of that exclusion or hurt feelings. There is definetely a difference in the way we are treated based on skin color. IT's the same reason why people (men and women alike) will fawn over Kim K but look down on a similar black woman. Why a woman of Amber Rose's rep can get wifed and be seen as a trophy but a black woman doing the same is in the gutter of a hole in the wall strip club some where
When I was growing up people (boys, other girls, even adults) were a lot kinder and more accepting to the lighter and mixed girls. It was rare for a dark skinned black girl to be fawned after and seen as gf material and not just sexual. Certain looks get fawned over and valued more even though logically we know that they arent better, they just get that hype. Everyone unconsciously noticed it, but the girls who did say something about it were instantly labeled bitter, jealous, negative, and haters. It was like you were just supposed to accept "your place" in the background and not to question it.
Also I wanna know, what's your swag normally like? If you are considering trying to fit in, I understand that and wont knock you for it. We live in a highly visual society and in your 20s you wanna fit that mold and be considered top level. No one wants to feel like chopped liver. Some women gonna try to make you feel like you're wrong for that, but most women do want to attract a high number of men and be sought after. Who doesnt want that feeling?
You may want to consider tweaking things a little bit. If you dont have one already, consider a very good weave. Like how Aaliyah's hair used to be, that long thick full natural look. You'll have the edge of having the hair that's most fawned after in society. If you are not racially ambiguous and you want to fit the mainstream more, I wouldnt suggest being natural if your hair is coarser than a 3c at the most unless it is very long (mid back).
Wear makeup. Not a lot, dont do that tacky hood girl sh*t, just a light natural app. You can play with colors on your eyes and lips as long as you use quality brands but you never want to look cheap. We as black women cant afford to half step, we cant look cheap and skimp otherwise it gives off a low class low value vibe.
Dress cute, trendy yet sexy. a HINT of sexy, not too much. I've seen a lot of dark girls make this mistake and be penalized for it (unlike the lighter girls). If you got nice assets and really try to flaunt it to make up for the color bias, you will be seen as a sex symbol not the wife. But you dont want to go too far on the other end and look like a lame or grandma because you too scared to be cute. You know dress whats hot for your body shape, type and social group
Keep your weight down. Dont get any bigger than a "thick" and not a Deelishus booty thick because then you wont be taken seriously, you'll just be seen as a walking ass. Actually your best bet is to be in shape, be the size that you're healthy and confident at. dont worry about having curves just dont be trying to pump your ass up (not that u would just saying girls like that get treated like hoes off the rip)
You can either adjust and work with your looks to be as society beautiful as you can, or you can just accept it but know that when a 1/2 breed is around you're gonna be in the shadows. For some women, they will be like "Well I dont give a damn" but when you're in your 20s just coming out of your teens I certainly cant pretend like thats not something you're not allowed to want to
Lots of love to you queen. Many hugs. I don't want to fit into anything but myself. I'm not really trendy. I don't like the same things as my friends or certain young people do. (disregarding emotional/mental similarities) I do however, and would however, love to be attractive to men. It's not my dream in life, but as a young woman, when your peers are engaged in the beautiful world of relations and social outcomes, who would want to follow behind? We're this age once, and we're to seize each moment and make the most, but I do feel sometimes I don't get the same opportunities, at least the good ones, because I'm not this image. We all have a right to be who we are and I always do my best not to fully ostracize women who look like this or people in general who are "trendy" or style or whatever. I'd never want to hurt anyone's feelings, after all I am another human being trying to understand why we do the things that we do, when we can always choose.
I've also always struggled with my weight, so on top of everything that was another thing I had to deal with which is a separate issue. I've lost 62 pounds since last February, and I am learning to appreciate every curve and inch of my body, although if you catch me by myself I will say I hate my body. But it's such a mean thing to say and I wonder why I say it sometimes because I'm still a young girl who is hurting, and when I look in the mirror I still see that young girl/girl I am wanting to be loved and be beautiful. But I am trying to be patient. I'm 5'7 and now way 150. I'd like to lose some more weight as I have a lot I dislike about my body, but again I'm working on that. It's very hard to deal with.
I'm natural in terms of hair. I don't want to look ambiguous. As for weaves, I think they're funky and cool and all that but I just wouldn't be bothered, plus I like being free in the sense of nothing attached or to keep up with because besides being lazy the length of my hair doesn't bother me these days. I wear a beanie hat a lot.
Honestly I'm just me and I don't feel attached to these things. I'm just trying to be free. Effortless. (I mean by feeling) If I were to do all of these things I'd feel like I were pretending because that's not me. They are great options to change what I dislike about myself or the fact I'm not beautiful physically or just to feel better! But it's not who I am, where as my friends and many other women who have that look, are just that way naturally. (In terms of them liking to dress the way they do, wear make-up, hairstyles, etc)
Regardless, I am so glad you are honest and saying you understand where I'm coming from as a young woman because these are the years that we are to remember and enjoy and feel beautiful. Not sad, inept, or less/unworthy.
I knew I wasn't the most prettiful person in school. But I never got depressed about it. It is what is, you know? As a result, I created my own crazy personality that drew people to me. I honestly think that if I was drop dead gorgeous, I'd be so used to people coming to me, that my personality/self esteem would be underdeveloped, because I never had to put in work. Also, I'd like to say that there are good things about being ugly. For example, your facial expressions are always funnier. Check out Emmanuel Hudson if you think I'm lying.
You're very right, I have noticed this too. Its a sad reality but I guess not much can be done about it. The fact that this image is unapologetically pushed in media (mostly urban media) makes it even worse.
Can I also just say that you're very eloquent. Nice to see a well written post with good grammar.
Lots of love. Thanks for responding to me.
As you said not much can be done about it, one can only hope however that this concept of skin and hair texture and all these genetically crafted "beautiful" features will not always be perceived as the only beauty, or the best kind.
I have a white English friend and he was telling me how drop dead gorgeous he finds Lauryn Hill. He met her at a concert and sent me the photo. I blushed because, she looks like me. I look like her rather. (Not actually in terms of looking exactly like her) but what I mean is our features. Our skin, our lips, our noses, the little things. But what I found most amazing is that he didn't just mean physically, he meant overall as a human being, as a woman. What she emanated inside of her, is what he found beautiful at first, but he told me how much he loved her eyes and the way she looks in through your soul. It was cool, because to me, that's beauty. Although I find women who have that look just as beautiful, I find women like this amazing. Just like Nina Simone.
Thank you for saying that about my post, I am almost sure I am an idiot most days, so that was kind of you. :D
I think it might help you if you find positive role models. I have a lot
of friends who are major beauty bloggers, and they're fuller figured
and darker skinned. They're very successful and they prove that you
don't have to be this one dimensional version of what beauty is supposed
to be and be successful or desirable. They work with major brands, they are flown
LITERALLY around the world to cover events for mainstream companies,
Please check out http://kittybradshaw.com and
You need to put positive images in front of you
that reflect a better image of who you are. Being light and skinny isn't the only thing
that's "hot & popping" and this is coming from a skinny chick!! I
think a lot of your misgivings come from constantly surrounding
yourself with people who are for better or worse, your exact opposite.
Which makes it only natural that you're going to constantly continue to
compare yourself to them and make the assumption that you're coming up short.
I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for some time now....
I feel like Black women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts, elders, celebs etc,) in general, are doing a sh*tty job at instilling value, confidence and impenetrable self-esteem in young Black women and girls. Not all Bw are guilty of this but too many imo
In fact, a lot of the time, they are the ones breaking down these girls. Giving them life-long complexes (prolly cuz they haven't gotten rid of their own before birthing their daughters)
Where is the maturity and the wisdom in our community? Why are so many young Black girls so desperate and lonely? Why do so many of them have damaged self-esteem and self-image? The girls in our community should know who they are BEFORE they enter the world (or before the world enters THEM, rather) and yet, the self-image of many is being molded by OTHERS.
Why, I must ask, if you know that television is deteriorating the self-esteem of young girls of color, do allow your child to sit in front of the TV for hours consuming garbage?
None of these "Black girl" campaigns are attacking the root of the problem and I take issue with that
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