it's been such a difficult week and i don't rightly know how much more of this i can take...
what's really difficult is being the/an optimist and living that experience as though i never really get a chance to "feel" negatively how others do.
it comes across as though it's rather uncomfortable for others to witness my negativity. like they're saying "there there" and offering what feels like generic, banal platitudes so i can be "ok" and feel "better" and go back to my position as being the listener, the nurturer, the martyr.
the sad part is how it's worked. how i'm trained at this point to say nothing to avoid the looks, the questions, the falsities ...all while my fire, my spirit, my hope -- the essence of me-- slowly dies inside.
i escape here and there, but no one understands my obsessions. they keep me as happy and as grounded as they can moments at a time. it is to them, their passion and their craft that i truly owe my sanity.
however, it feels like i'm slipping away at times. part of me watching, bewildered asking why? why won't you say or do something to stop this?! and the other looking on helplessly mouthing i'm sorry as i hang my head in shame.
*deep breath* *exhale*
this is temporary. this too shall pass. the darkest hour is just before the dawn. happiness starts from within. things are getting better all the time...