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petiteone29 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote petiteone29 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 1:55pm
@Dollish-Hug

I understand alot of what you are saying concerning your dad. Just focus on you though imo. Sometimes survivors of abuse have this loyalty towards the person that caused harm especially if its a parent. Its not your job to protect him though. He did what he did and left you to clean up the mess and deal with the aftermath. 


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ShadyLady View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote ShadyLady Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 3:25pm
Awwww Doll! I always just wanna give you the biggest hugs after some of your confessions.

I don't think I could ever even try to forgive my father if he'd done that.
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dOLLish. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote dOLLish. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 5:58pm
Originally posted by petiteone29 petiteone29 wrote:

@Dollish-Hug

I understand alot of what you are saying concerning your dad. Just focus on you though imo. Sometimes survivors of abuse have this loyalty towards the person that caused harm especially if its a parent. Its not your job to protect him though. He did what he did and left you to clean up the mess and deal with the aftermath. 



Hug

Thanks!  Ever since I was a child I felt that I had to protect him.  Even long before the abuse, I felt like I had to protect him from something ... and I don't know what or why that was.  I feel like I have to be loyal to him, which is why for years I never said anything.  I still haven't told anyone other than my mother ... I don't know what that would do at this point.  He was supposed to protect me ... and the whole time he was the main person hurting me.  

He did.  For years, I've been trying to, but failing horribly at it.  I'm just tired of it.
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dOLLish. View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote dOLLish. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 6:07pm
Originally posted by ShadyLady ShadyLady wrote:

Awwww Doll! I always just wanna give you the biggest hugs after some of your confessions.

I don't think I could ever even try to forgive my father if he'd done that.

It's usually heavy stuff.  I'm just glad that I've gotten to the point that I can type it and share it with someone.  I've held onto these things for years.  It feels good to be able to let go.

That's why I truly believe that I don't want to forgive him.  How could I?  Forgive him for myself so that I can move on?  I've tried it.  But he's done so much to me.  I don't want to stay in this space, so I know that I need to move on.  He's never mentioned it and neither have I.  I always thought that not mentioning it would help me forget it, which would mean that it didn't happen.  That didn't work Ouch

It just sucks because all of my childhood memories of him are bad.  I'm sure there were good times - there had to have been.  But somewhere something went bad and that's what I remember.  I hate just being this *&%^$#@Eed up person and when I think about why I'm so messed up, it all comes back to him.  But he's *&%^$#@Eed up, so I can't say that I blame him.  But that doesn't excuse it.
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Derri View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (5) Thanks(5)   Quote Derri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 04 2014 at 6:23pm
Dollish, if I may suggest that you try to stop defining yourself by that experience. You are more than a painful experience. Your experiences are not the sum of who you are. Your identity is more than a good childhood, or a bad childhood.

You can't seem to find your way maybe because you are obsessing over the past.
Not that you should pretend it never happened. Not that he should either. In fact, quite the opposite. It happened. Talk to him face to face. Face the problem together. It happened, accept it. It was painful, accept the pain of it. Don't fight it in any way. Don't resist it, don't embrace it. Accept it. The pain has to run it's course. Him and you avoiding talking about it together is keeping it alive and hindering you from experiencing life today. You are stuck in yesterday, while he is pretending like today existed without a yesterday.

You are not the pain. The pain is the pain, it doesn't need your help. It doesn't need you to suffer.

PM me if you want to chat more.
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nekamarie83 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote nekamarie83 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 8:07am
Awww. No, I'm not fake. Good try though.

The positivity is genuine. I like my life and the people in it.

You're just miserable and will always be. Because you're ok and comfortable with that.

Enjoy.
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BaileyAlexandria View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote BaileyAlexandria Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 11:45am
I have such a big long confession that I don't have the energy to type out. Just type a whole bunch of "smh" and "girl you right" and "you gotta let that go!" and let's just call it a day.
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petiteone29 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote petiteone29 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 5:42pm
I just got out of the shower and randomly chopped off like 4 inches of my permed ends. Didn't even think about it. Just grabbed the shears and cut. It felt kind of liberating. LOL
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Mixer View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mixer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 5:42pm
neka?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote Ming Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Feb 05 2014 at 9:20pm
Sometimes I sing a song to describe how I feel.

Today I waited over 10 mins tryna order food. My friend called and I sung *rent* " girl, ive been waiting for "525,600 minutes." why did the girl behind me join in? lol We sang the whole chorus lol


I almost died falling over one of my students today and one of my coworkers caught me. I called the same friend and sang, * marvin sapp* "never would've made it!" My boss heard me a fell out
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