I gots some thangs I need to get off my chesticles, and I cant talk about them in RL because that would mean I'd have to acknowledge the fact that I have feelings and shortcomings.
SO, here goes:
-I dont love him. I know I could, but I know I dont. And I'm afraid that when he leaves on Friday I'll never get the chance to love him like I feel I can. The distance didnt kill us last time because he was always coming back, but this is a real deal job. He's moving, and even though it's only upstate, I'm afraid he wont want to come back. I'm afraid that I wont want to go up there. I'm afraid that we'll meet new people and move on and I'd never get the chance to fall in love with him. Never get the chance to be loved by him. And I feel a way about it. I cant exactly describe this feel, but know that it's not pleasant. It's kind of like despair and anxiety and heartfelt longing mixed together, but not that depressing. Ugh, I feel pathetic.
-I sometimes feel hella self-conscious about wearing my hair outside of afros/twistouts and twists/kinkytwists/yarntwists/braids, and I only recently discovered so. Friday night I wore my hair in two puffballs (I went to Disneyland), and spent hella time and energy and eco styler making sure my edges were laid down, and today I wore my hair in two french braids and kept smoothing, or rather trying to smooth, my hair down flat. I guess this is me realizing that my mind isnt as decolonized as I thought, and that fckin sucks. I started growing out my hair in 2010, and BC'd in 2011, I feel like I should've surpassed this mental stage a long time ago.
-I am soooo over school at this point. I dont care about 50% of my classes, and I wish I didnt have to do this sh*t. I'm just tired.