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children and death

 
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indiecat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote indiecat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 8:06am
I have lost my big brother, he was shot and killed at 24 and my big sister who died of congested heart failure in her early 30s. My brother left behind a daughter and my sister left behind a son and daughter. it's hard in my family because nobody is super close. with my brothers daughter who is younger, we keep in contact and visit her different holidays. We buy her things she needs like clothes and school supplies. I spoil her, which is bad, but she's such a gracious little girl who has so many good manners. She gets good grades and she is religious, so she deserves nice things. if she needs to talk, I'm there and my dad is there. My other niece and nephew, they are older, but I stay connected to them. it's hard because the kids remind me of my brother and sister so much.

I am just saying my experience. Don't just be there for them after the death and then in a few months disappear. That makes them sad, you have to plan things, take them places, come around for birthdays and Xmas. Check on them with phone calls, let them know you love them. Make them happy to see you. my niece always hugs my dad and I so tight when she sees us. She brags about her grandpa and aunt to others.
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nekamarie83 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote nekamarie83 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 8:24am
Originally posted by noneyons noneyons wrote:

i just think these distractions are more harmful than helpful though. i know she's hurting. 
Noney, first, my condolences.

Second, no. They're not harmful. If anything, it's welcome. I'm sure everyone (friends, family, well wishers) is poised or chomping at the bit to ask her all the rudimentary questions about how she is. Maybe remember she's a kid. Maybe just offer to be there and say you'll talk when she's ready. And when she's ready give her options to express how she feels.

I wholeheartly agree with writing her a letter celebrating the person her mother is, how you see the same wonderful spirit in her and following up with an offer to talk when she feels right about it.

Sending positive energy to y'all
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote callmeDEva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 8:26am
Hugs to you OP. And anyone else in this situation.

IA with indie. It will be important to be there for the future more than anything. Once everyone has gone and it's quieter, she will start to grieve in her own little way. Think about her 16th bday, prom, etc. Things girls need there Mommy's for. It's never too late to be an influential part of their life.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Brjasuga51 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 9:36am
Originally posted by noneyons noneyons wrote:

i'm going to write her a long letter and tell her happy stories of me and her mom and let her know that i'm here for her. it's just so crazy because i haven't been there like i should have in the past. i guess because i'm the adult, i have to kinda barge my way in to her life. that's what i'll do.
I think that is a good first step. Death s never easy on children especially if they have a close bond with the deceased( mother, father, sister ,Brother). Now is when ur aunties duties become effective. u have to be that listening ear and consoler for those kids.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote purpulicious01 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 9:50am
If you don't already have a strong relationship with the kids, start with baby steps.  

Example: take them to do something fun every Friday. Or call them everyday Friday. Whatever it is, just make contact with them consistently so they know they care about them. 

Stay consistent and let them know that you're there for them if they ever need to talk.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote goodm3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 10:54am
Originally posted by purpulicious01 purpulicious01 wrote:

If you don't already have a strong relationship with the kids, start with baby steps.  

Example: take them to do something fun every Friday. Or call them everyday Friday. Whatever it is, just make contact with them consistently so they know they care about them. 

Stay consistent and let them know that you're there for them if they ever need to talk.


This. 

My cousin lost his wife when their daughter was just 3years old. Eventhough my cousin is an amazing Dad....he has other women in our family do things with her like take her to the beauty salon every Saturday, Girl Scouts, etc....things she would normally do with her mom so she gets to be around other women. They also do this so they can talk to her about her mother so she doesn't forget. At 3..we assume that as she gets older her memories may start to fade....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote noneyons Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 12:08pm
thank you guys for your condolences and words of encouragement. i really appreciate each and every one of you and all of your great advice. Heart

my sis in law was 41 btw. also i'm very sorry for your losses indie and goodm. ((hugss))




Edited by noneyons - Jul 16 2014 at 12:15pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DiorShowGirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 1:58pm
Originally posted by noneyons noneyons wrote:

thank you guys for your condolences and words of encouragement. i really appreciate each and every one of you and all of your great advice. Heart

my sis in law was 41 btw. also i'm very sorry for your losses indie and goodm. ((hugss))






ooohhhh so young...so very young....love ya
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote PurplePhase Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 16 2014 at 2:16pm
Maybe you could just try to go around more often and  let them know you are there for them when they need you.

my nephew was 8 when my sis died. Her husband sorta went thru some things after and  was in no shape to be there for his son. It was a sudden death and involved a bit of guilt on his part.

 condolences to your family.
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