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BFF or not? what to do?

 
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    Posted: Jul 23 2013 at 2:33pm
my 'bff' and I are on weird terms. We have been friends for about 11 years but it has always been strange with us. Sometimes we would stop talking for months or up until a year, then become friends again. My problem with her is that I never felt that she took my friendship serious or appreciated me.  I found her to be very selfish and all about herself.  I guess I always envisioned  friendship with a bff as one who goes shopping together and sleepovers...like a sister, but she has always remain distant. It is her personality b/c she has no friends but she gives her all to men in her life.  She does not see us as a team or consider me in anything. I am ok with that bc it is her personality

The last incident with us occurred when i went to stay in the country of her homeland. I am american but our families are from the same place.  Whenever I would voice my opinion to her about the negative experiences there she would have an attitude. I felt as if she could have listened or even linked me up with some of her friends there, but no.  Her mother still lives in her home country and even when the mother would come to nYC they were always too busy to meet me.  The big incident occurred when she offered to send me down some of my things with her mother who was travelling back home from the states. I have never asked her to do anything for me.  I told her to send the hair above everything else if her other could not send anything else. She sent other thigs and left back the hair. smh Her mother was upset b/c of the weight requriements and her mother gave me an attitude upon arrival. I felt bad b/c it was a bad first impression after meeting my mom after all of this time.  Her mother was very nasty to me

It ended with me arriving back to NY and only sending her an email wishing her a happy birthday. She said thanx for the greetings.  Two months after that she sends me an email 'just saying hello'  It's pissing me off with her 'checkng in' emails b/c i do not think any issues were addressed or even worth addressing.  I just do not know any more
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote BBpants Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 24 2013 at 4:00am
Sometimes friends grow apart. If you feel like she isn't a friend to you, then let her go.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 24 2013 at 11:48am
I had a simular experience only we had been friends for over 30 years.
 
- she dissappeared for months/years whenever she is close to a guy/married because they are having problems (I know this) but when they work everything out and are happy again .. thats when she wants to call and catch up and be in a good mood again.
 
- but since a couple of years have passed - when I wanted to talk to her all that time about what's happening in my life .. she is was not available.
 
Yes, we havde unresolved things if you try to talk about it ... she is evasive or in denial etc .. so nothing ever gets resolved. She justs wants to forget whatever it was and move on and be happy friends again. Other stuff like this on and off .. and it's been over 30 years. I think she just wants to keep me around as a friend ... so I can play the backdrop to her life or something. WERIOD.
 
So eventually I got closer to other folks that DO stay in touch whether either one of us is having a hard time or having a good time - because to me 'that's what friends are for'.  Clap
 
The last incident was a few years ago when she mysteriously appeared asking to borrow 30k to get away from the rotten SOB she married. Shocked  Meanwhile I had had 2 surgeries in and out of the hospital and her a*** was no where to be found! I was p***ed. She said other stuff too that just GRADDED  my nerves. Stuff  that she did 20 years earlier that I realized I had never gotten over really.
 
That's when I knew it was over.
 
I have refused all of her emails (we live in different countries BTW)  because I am done with her.
 
My advice is cut your loses .. she is not a real friend.
 
I call this kind of bff .. a bff of convenience. She is only around ... when it is convenient for her to be around you.
 
When it is inconvenient .. she will be no where to be found. 
 


Edited by Printer_Ink - Jul 24 2013 at 11:55am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 24 2013 at 12:01pm
Oh yes, and she has no girlfriends either! Lessn. Whenever your girlfriend has NO OTHER close friends .. probably something is off with her so don't be surprise if you are not her real friend either. Shocked
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tropicalstorm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 24 2013 at 2:00pm
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

I had a simular experience only we had been friends for over 30 years.
 
- she dissappeared for months/years whenever she is close to a guy/married because they are having problems (I know this) but when they work everything out and are happy again .. thats when she wants to call and catch up and be in a good mood again.
 
- but since a couple of years have passed - when I wanted to talk to her all that time about what's happening in my life .. she is was not available.
 
Yes, we havde unresolved things if you try to talk about it ... she is evasive or in denial etc .. so nothing ever gets resolved. She justs wants to forget whatever it was and move on and be happy friends again. Other stuff like this on and off .. and it's been over 30 years. I think she just wants to keep me around as a friend ... so I can play the backdrop to her life or something. WERIOD.
 
So eventually I got closer to other folks that DO stay in touch whether either one of us is having a hard time or having a good time - because to me 'that's what friends are for'.  Clap
 
The last incident was a few years ago when she mysteriously appeared asking to borrow 30k to get away from the rotten SOB she married. Shocked  Meanwhile I had had 2 surgeries in and out of the hospital and her a*** was no where to be found! I was p***ed. She said other stuff too that just GRADDED  my nerves. Stuff  that she did 20 years earlier that I realized I had never gotten over really.
 
That's when I knew it was over.
 
I have refused all of her emails (we live in different countries BTW)  because I am done with her.
 
My advice is cut your loses .. she is not a real friend.
 
I call this kind of bff .. a bff of convenience. She is only around ... when it is convenient for her to be around you.
 
When it is inconvenient .. she will be no where to be found. 
 

Thank you so much for sharing my story because now I feel as if someone understands what I am talking about.  You experiences sound EXACTLY like what I am going through.  The fact that your friendship stem from 30 years only proves the fact that people never really change.  And my friend does the EXACT same thing when we have issues. She never gets to the root of the problem and just wants to breeze by and pick up from where we left off.

I can not call her a bad person but I am just wondering if we ever really had a friendship especially with the cold reception I got from her mother. I am ready to cut my losses and move on but I feel as if I should send her a final email explaining my feelings.  

I feel a little upset and bitter to have wasted so many years over nothing.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Lady ICE Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 24 2013 at 2:05pm
if im not happy with something/someone i remove them from my life. no need to be disappointed over and over again.. let it go.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sunshine321511 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 24 2013 at 3:14pm
I had someone who I "thought" was my friend just dump me for no reason years ago.  It hurt to be quite honest but I learned.....some friends are not for a lifetime.
 
Some friends are meant to be cut out of your life.  I'm not saying be mean to her.  I'm saying...understand that she may not feel that you are her BFF. 
 
Wish her well, but to me...focus on the friends who are close to you NOW and understand she has moved on to the "background" and is not a main friend.  Be pleasant when you see her, respond to her emails but understand she is not your MAIN FRIEND.
 
It's okay, life moves forward.  In the grand scheme of life, she is not your parent,sister, husband, children....she is not the person you want to hold your hand at the death of a loved one....she is not that important to upset you.
 
learn from this and move FORWARD!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2013 at 7:21am
Originally posted by tropicalstorm tropicalstorm wrote:

Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

I had a simular experience only we had been friends for over 30 years.
 
- she dissappeared for months/years whenever she is close to a guy/married because they are having problems (I know this) but when they work everything out and are happy again .. thats when she wants to call and catch up and be in a good mood again.
 
- but since a couple of years have passed - when I wanted to talk to her all that time about what's happening in my life .. she is was not available.
 
Yes, we havde unresolved things if you try to talk about it ... she is evasive or in denial etc .. so nothing ever gets resolved. She justs wants to forget whatever it was and move on and be happy friends again. Other stuff like this on and off .. and it's been over 30 years. I think she just wants to keep me around as a friend ... so I can play the backdrop to her life or something. WERIOD.
 
So eventually I got closer to other folks that DO stay in touch whether either one of us is having a hard time or having a good time - because to me 'that's what friends are for'.  Clap
 
The last incident was a few years ago when she mysteriously appeared asking to borrow 30k to get away from the rotten SOB she married. Shocked  Meanwhile I had had 2 surgeries in and out of the hospital and her a*** was no where to be found! I was p***ed. She said other stuff too that just GRADDED  my nerves. Stuff  that she did 20 years earlier that I realized I had never gotten over really.
 
That's when I knew it was over.
 
I have refused all of her emails (we live in different countries BTW)  because I am done with her.
 
My advice is cut your loses .. she is not a real friend.
 
I call this kind of bff .. a bff of convenience. She is only around ... when it is convenient for her to be around you.
 
When it is inconvenient .. she will be no where to be found. 
 

Thank you so much for sharing my story because now I feel as if someone understands what I am talking about.  You experiences sound EXACTLY like what I am going through.  The fact that your friendship stem from 30 years only proves the fact that people never really change.  And my friend does the EXACT same thing when we have issues. She never gets to the root of the problem and just wants to breeze by and pick up from where we left off.

I can not call her a bad person but I am just wondering if we ever really had a friendship especially with the cold reception I got from her mother. I am ready to cut my losses and move on but I feel as if I should send her a final email explaining my feelings.  
 

 
I feel a little upset and bitter to have wasted so many years over nothing.
 
 
No, people do not change as rule. Actually the only way people change is if they ACKNOWLEDGE their transgressions .. apologize and then do things to make sure they do not do it again. Otherwise .. they will never change.
 
I would not send her a goodbye email. Oh no, this will give her a chance to 'explain herself' etc. Nooo waste of energy. If you are really through with her ... then she does not have any power over you - so you don't owe her S***.
 
But you have to know your own mind. If you are not really sure, are willing to hear her explination because there is a chance that you will keep the friendship ... then write her a goodbye letter and just watch.. before long you will back in this false friendship. People have to learn a lesson.
 
But for me .. I was through.
 
So if you NEVER contact her again, do not reply to her emails  - you don't have to explain yourself ..... (shrugs) she will get the message. Clap
 
Move on. There's a WHOLE lot of life out there.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote misscapri Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Jul 25 2013 at 10:37am
Originally posted by Printer_Ink Printer_Ink wrote:

 
Yes, we havde unresolved things if you try to talk about it ... she is evasive or in denial etc .. so nothing ever gets resolved. She justs wants to forget whatever it was and move on and be happy friends again. 
 
I've sooo been there before. You've just got to make a decision of what you will and won't accept in your friendship, just like any other relationship.
 
You've probably just grown apart. If everything she does annoys you, end the friendship. It's not worth being frustrated everytime you have an interaction with her.
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