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At the End of My Rope - need honest help

 
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Nini&Sasha View Drop Down
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    Posted: May 23 2016 at 12:25am
OK, hello. I hope someone can give me some honest advice. I am 53 years old (still in perimenopause) and all my life have had fragile, fine, dry, and slow-to-grow hair. I relaxed it for a while, stopped, and over the past two years have had clip ins (disaster) twists, crochet braids (yuck), sew ins -- I am about to buy a wig, but I am not happy about that. 

I have a very active lifestyle (dance three times a week, so I sweat a lot). I am "on the go" and don't have time for styling. I have always wanted a wake-and-go, carefree situation for my hair. My natural hairline was already pretty weak, and after ten months of frankly poor care by the weavologist, I am on the way to looking like that awful photo of Naomi Campbell -- the front is very receded now, almost bald. It is also gray and edge control removes the hair color, so I have stopped using that.

I recently have had a sew-in of beautiful Remy hair I got from a wholesaler when I was in NYC (I can't stand synthetic hair; the itchiness and feel is not good for me and my husband doesn't want to be sleeping with that scratchiness either...) It was "romance curl." I wanted a high, big curl look and they advised the wrong hair. Probably the image I showed them wasn't attainable; it was like a curly, messy "Dreamgirls meets shag" look. I love the 'messy' casual look. This hair is GREAT but the installer did what she always does, which is put on about 160% density, which I hate. I don't want to look unbeweavable... I came home and my teenage daughters were like "oh mom you look like King Louis XIV." I hated it, and because I'm 5'2" it felt top-heavy. 

Also the front was too thin so what was left of the hair at my hairline was so visible the minute the wind picked up or even just at the end of the day... So I cut a lot of it off. the "romance curl" didn't last past one night of sleeping anyway (yes i wrap it and have a satin pillow too). Then it looked like a clown, so I went to her and had a row put in the front to create more coverage. Stupidly, she ran the row around the entirety of my head so then I had the volume issue again. (I actually don't intend to keep seeing her because it's clear she only knows how to do one thing; I asked her to do a different braid pattern to perhaps help my hair de-stress, and she said "sure," and just went on and did the same old thing...)

Now I have thinned it and chopped it to a length that feels "believable" for me. But this is straight hair and it holds NO CURL at ALL. I sleep with rollers and pin curl it while I'm in dance class, and then let it down and it looks good for about two hours. By the end of the day I look like a crazy person. If I use too much hair-spray, it just looks dull and still falls limp!! I have a professional job where I have to look good. And I do not. There is a closure at the top and it's actually very nice (this is really good quality hair) but it still looks UNNATURAL. And LIMP. I feel desperate.

She told me to order a wig to sew in next since that will protect my hair more. But she hasn't told me if I should get "non-lace" or full lace or cap weave. She assumes I know all this stuff and I don't. I want to leave her and find someone who is at least a little professional, but honestly, I'm afraid of all hairstylists now... after literally DECADES of bad advice, fried relaxers, too-heavy extensions that created traction alopecia, my age and genetics (my mom also has very thin hair, at the crown, like me -- she wears dreds and always to pile it on top of her head to cover the thin spots; it looks like a bad flat-top)... I just don't trust hairstylists because I feel all they see is dollar signs and I've never had anyone who was actually interested in 1) giving me a hairdo that felt like my life and personality and 2) helping me restore my hair to some sense of help (the twist guy, when he had had to cancel on me twice and my hair was starting to loc, asked me if I minded if we just cut it off. Of course I minded, and I made him just work through it to get the locs loose! I reminded him the whole idea was to try and grow my hair. And then I stopped seeing him after that.)

A friend told me to do microbead links, but I can't get into a keratin situation (I don't actually like my hair straight) and my current weavologist says my hair can't support that heaviness. I agree. Plus I hear keratin is just another money-grabbing tactic that doesn't help hair -- the contrary.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I want my hair to grow, but when I wore it naturally (two years ago) I always had to wear a cloth headband just to have "a look" to cover up the thinning part. Which only made it worse because of the friction.

I really loved the Brazilian deep wave look but with my lifestyle, it only lasts about five weeks before the wefts start tangling, I have a ton of shedding, and then matting, and then drying out. (My stylist also doesn't really give me advice about what to use to condition it. I think she thinks that everyone just KNOWS. Well, I don't!) Cry

I'm willing to do something like twists with a unit built in to create more fullness. I'm also willing to buy a wig that allows for more natural weight/density and also the ability to have a part, etc. (But I don't know what kind will work best for me).

Does "PROTECTIVE STYLE" even exist?!! Ouch

Having my hair in my face is very flattering and makes me look younger than my age, which is good for my career, and my self-esteem. I would wear a wig for a while if that gave me the chance to rest (the sew-in feels like it's just damaging the heck out of my hair) but I just ordered one from WigsBuy and then saw all the negative feedback and wanted to cry. I don't know what to buy or where. I thought about sisterlocks (again, I'd considered it before) but I don't think I can make that kind of $$ or time commitment. I do not want to cut off all my hair and wear it at one-inch.

It's about three to six inches in various spots. I feel like whether it was twist extensions, the crochet braids, or now the sew-in, take-down day shows my hair hasn't grown one bit, and if anything, it's even thinner. I just started taking Biotin supplements this weekend.

If anyone has any suggestions (I am in the Bay Area) oh please help me. I am truly at wit's end and quite demoralized. 

I am truly sorry this is the longest post in the world! I have so many issues going on at once. I am really down about all of this. Thanks to you all, peace.
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carrie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote carrie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 23 2016 at 7:05pm
I am no means an expert, I am dealing with my own hair issues, so I hope others chime in as well. I'd suggest either going the wig route or getting a believable weave. I like wigs because I too am SUPER active and they allow me to be able to wash my hair as often as necessary. But recently I've been wearing a weave with a frontal attached so that none of my hair is out and that has been working well so far.

In any case, you need to really baby your hair. I personally like wearing my own hair cornrowed under my wigs so it lies flat but it also keeps my from messing with it too often. You should also look into Rogaine for women too. My MIL swears by it and there are some really positive YouTube videos.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nini&Sasha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 24 2016 at 9:10am
Thank you! I didn't even realize how looooong my post was (I was feeling pretty despondent).
I guess the biggest question is how can I wean off this year-long weave system and still have an appearance of length (not long length, six inches is fine!) I think the weave doesn't allow enough moisture and conditioning to get to my hair, exacerbating the problem of dryness and fragility. Maybe twists with some kind of unit to mask the thin part...? 

Rogaine worries me b/c I'm not ready to do something "for life" and I heard it can cause weight gain. I'm barely holding onto the size 8 I've been for the pst 30 years...!

Thank you for your kind reply!! xx

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 24 2016 at 12:30pm
I can't advise on the wig and weave part because I don't wear them, but for hair growth, try massaging castor oil on your edges every day for 7 days. There is a thread about it with video on how to do it. It is called inversion technique. I do it sitting down with my head almost touching my ankles, and massage my scalp for 4-5 minutes. My edges were thinning out and by the end of the 7 days, I had baby hair there.

But buy pure castor oil, anything that has other ingredients listed isn't worth it.

http://forum.blackhairmedia.com/1-inch-in-1-week-challenge_topic358833_page1.html


Also take biotin internally daily, 10,000mcg. I see one inch of hair growth monthly taking that, except when my split ends become out of control and ruin it. The brand I take that gives me results is called Optimal Solutions. The label will say Nature's Bounty. It is a pinkish box. It also makes your nails grow longer and stronger. 

You can find it at target.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nini&Sasha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 25 2016 at 12:55am
That's excellent advice thank you b so much for the support!! My teenage daughter has been using castor oil for her eyelids so I can try that. Great!! I'm smiling a bit more again!! ☺️
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 26 2016 at 11:36am
i am bumping so someone else can chime in
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nini&Sasha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 26 2016 at 11:55am
Thank you! I feel much less discouraged!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 26 2016 at 12:03pm
oh, and keratin is actually good for hair - but only once a month or twice a month if hair is damaged.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nitabug Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 26 2016 at 1:06pm
Depending on your hair type, you might not want to leave a weave in over 4-6 weeks. Everyone is under the assumption that all installs will last 2-3 months but that is not always the case.

If your hair is matting after 5 weeks then keep it in for 5 weeks.

If it is the weave than get more quality weave like ONYC or Extensions Plus. It is reusable.

The problem with the hair extension life is that if you aren't educated in your own hair and styling, you will pay. Short cuts and being "frugal" will cost you inches.

Get one of those nozzles bottles and water down some Shea moisture products when moisturizing your hait so that it gets to your scalp.

You need another hair dresser.

I would honestly look for a good braider and invest in a good wig.

A member here sells wigs on her eBay store and the prices are reasonable and the quality of hair is great.

Whether you get full lace or lacefront is up to you. As a newbie, I would go lace front first. The things you don't know are really a YouTube search away. I don't know that your hair looks like but have you considered u-part wigs?

Oh and the bay area is terrible with hair dressers. Over priced or under skilled.



Edited by nitabug - May 26 2016 at 4:44pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nitabug Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: May 26 2016 at 1:11pm
A nozzle bottle = applicator bottle. Mix up a little water and moisturizer. Then go in between braids/under tracks.

eta: did you consider a satin head band?

Edited by nitabug - May 26 2016 at 1:17pm
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