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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 7:17am
Well, this is a tough one.

My advice:

- I think this guy is 'damaged goods' too. :( Not to be cruel because it is not his fault that he was raised by a crazy mother that messed him up in the head. However, assuming he's close to your age (27) he should have banished those deamons by now. But the ABRUPT and MEAN way he reacts to his mother this tells me his wounds are still quite fresh.

- He loves you though and wants to get married (says he does not have anyone etc ) and you are pregnant .. umm these are NOT the right reasons to get married. People get married NOT out of need (he needs you) or because there is a baby on the way etc .. but because they are in love and in sync with each other. They are solid. If this guy is sooooo afraid to be without you ... this would be a red flag to me of a guy to get away from. YOU DON'T WANT to be everthing to a man because if one day you want to leave WE ARE GONNA SEE YOU ON THE 6:00 news.

Do not stay with NEEDY people.

- Sorry but marriage is HARD. It may sounds great but it creates PRESSURE and compromise etc ... all of which will cause a HEALTHY guy to flip out on you. Hee hee! But ... your guy is not healthy mentally at all. You've got to see this before you get trapped in a marriage with him and bring an innocent child into this mix.

- His grandmother ... giving you the 411 on your guy? Well, SHE was the one that raised his mother right? .. so maybe she's nuts too .. but it's easier to project all the mess on to his mom. Maybe she's trying to help you okay ... but even she would be suspect in my book. If the mother scares you .. live her alone. She was probably abused or neglected by her mother (the grandmother) so leave her alone.

- If you have the baby (with or without him) I would neeeeever leave that innocent child alone with the mother or the grandmother. Something is going on with that family ... you don’t want you child exposed even one time. You never know how children internalize abuse .. so then in 20 years people are going be saying your child … a mess. 

You mentioned briefly that you had been in abusive relationships before - so you are hoping to avoid now. This makes sense – but to be honest, women who have been in 1 abusive relationship are more likely than not to end up in another one. You don’t plan this of course, because sometimes the clues are missed in terms of the right partner … so you repeat the mistake yet again without realizing it.

I’m telling you though (through no fault of his own) .. this guy aint right in the head – and you should face this head on and not try to pretend like he is really okay .. except for this ONE THING. This is a big thing.

My suggestion:

-     If you don’t think you can manage ANOTHER child out of wedlock alone – have an abortion. I say ALONE because this situation is unstable and if it blows up (and likely it will) you will be stuck raising 2 children alone anyway. This is a sure way to a hardddd life.

-     Put a halt on the wedding plans for goodness sakes! A rushed wedding is ALWAYS a red flag. I think he wants to hurry and marry you so you don’t get away from him … but again that is no reason to get married.

-     You need to INSIST he get into counseling so he can excise the damage his mother did to him and get healthy.

Yes, maybe he is a great guy and you love each other but marriage is not for the faint of heart and all that stuff he’s carrying is GONNA COME OUT one way or another. You need to both have your heads on straight before you raise these 2 children … or else IMO within a few years you are going to have an absolute mess on your hands.

Maybe you can just see a counselor on your own and ask his opinion on this? I’ll best he tells you the same thing … this guy needs help.

(You can ignore my post if you like. :) I am always giving my opinion and then the OP starts to change her story or get mad at me or both.)


Edited by Printer_Ink - Mar 13 2014 at 7:23am
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Twisted_Angel View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Twisted_Angel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 7:54am


No..I'm not mad I see people ask for advice on here then get mad when somebody tells them what they don't want to hear... I use to be like that lol grew up a long time ago.

Any way I've been in a deep depression because I was wondering if he was marrying me only because I'm pregnant.

And he told me he was going to marry me this year even if I was pregnant or not and he just wants me to feel secure with him..

But I agree I want him to marry me because he's in love with me not because he feels obligated.

He told me sometimes he has a tough time communicating with me sometimes because he doesnt know how to explain how he feels sometimes but as more time passes he's opening up more.

We are both equally damaged but we are making progress..I've never had that in a relationship before.

Hell yea I was scared as fk when he told me I'm his everything.. some girls like that stuff but to me I see red flags for crazyness in the future.

His grandmother she's the complete opposite...very sweet.. she said she has no idea why her daughter did that too him and she suggested couples counseling for both of us I'm willing to do that.

Marriage is a huge step and I'm willing to give him some time if he needs.. as far as the baby we're doing great.. I've got so much stuff for him/her..running out of space
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Twisted_Angel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 7:56am
And money too lol omg babies are so expensive but feels great that I have something now..
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 7:58am
Okay, then.

Take it slow. Seek counseling for the both of you. You aren't gonna melt if you don't get married by X time. :)

Good luck to you!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote Cream1970 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 11:40am
Originally posted by Twisted_Angel Twisted_Angel wrote:

Ty s&f..I'm 27 years old and I've been through soo much crap from men.. and now what I say goes or I'm out the door.


I told him I don't care about an expensive ring and if he wasn't ready for marriage and moving in he shouldnt have gotten me pregnant

Too many black women making dumb decisions while the man just can walk away.

After we finished the conversation he asked me to marry him and said let's do it at the end of this month but we're gonna wait because of financial reasons but it will be this year tho..

You didn't have any say so in the matter? You knew that he had these issues before you got pregnant?
 
Are you in school? Do you work?
 
I think you BOTH need counseling.
 
Good luck
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 1:55pm
Originally posted by NaturalSister543 NaturalSister543 wrote:

Well, personally. I believe a man is only going to honor you as much as he honors his mother.


I disagree. My first boyfriend's father loved his mother to death. He called her in Mexico every single day. He kissed her hand, he didn't even dare to hug the woman, for she was literally a saint in his and his siblings eyes. But the wife? He cheated on her, shouted at her in front of my ex, slapped her in front of his son when he was only a toddler, beat her, had a child with another woman, and only calmed down after he was on dialysis.

Not all men who treat their mothers with respect will treat their woman the same.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 2:05pm
Originally posted by Twisted_Angel Twisted_Angel wrote:



This relationship wasn't rushed. I've been very strict..had the 90 day rule and everything.





The baby was rushed. I saw your posts here and on Body Types about trying to get pregnant and I am sorry to say, but I didn't understand why you wanted to get pregnant when he was only your boyfriend and sometimes you complained that money was tight so you couldn't buy some of the products many girls advertise on Body Types.

If you don't have $ to buy products, you don't have money to raise a child. I saw your posts and said nothing because it was your life.


Originally posted by Twisted_Angel Twisted_Angel wrote:




So he broke down and told me how I'm is everything and now he has nothing no brothers no sister no me or baby..




That is not love. That is a dependent relationship; he needs you to feel some love and value. That is not good. He has a lot of issues that need to be worked out. If you are getting married, that is great, but the wedding shouldn't be the priority, but getting a better job. He said money is tight so you guys are not marrying now, so that means he also doesn't have money for a child. Weddings don't have to be expensive, you guys could rent a chapel, buy tuxedo and dress, invite closest friends and family members, get some food and that's it, 500-1000 bucks spent.

He needs to apply to better jobs or work harder at his job to get a raise or a promotion. A child deserves the best, and if you was man enough to make a kid, he needs to be man enough to make more money to provide the child with the best the world has.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (4) Thanks(4)   Quote Printer_Ink Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 2:20pm
Whoa the OP was TRYING to get pregnant?

This is why so many women end up living hand to mouth ... with nothing to show for themselves but a bunch of deprived kids, wishing they had the nice things other kids have …all that look completely different from each other .. so then everybody knows they all have different daddies. :(

Sorry .. but that's cheap and ghetto.

And the money situation will keep them allllll in the poor house to raise another generation of po black folks. :(

UGH! I don't know why these women can't keep their knees together? That's how I was raised .. be a lady.


Edited by Printer_Ink - Mar 13 2014 at 2:22pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Twisted_Angel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 2:58pm
@ cream...You took what I said the wrong way...of course I had say so during sex..he didn't have a gun to my head.

All I meant is he shouldn't have agreed to have a baby if he didn't want to get married.

Printer clearly stated counseling and I agreed that Both of us need it. I just stated it in my previous comment.

Yes I work and I will be starting school.

Yes I know he has issues I'm not demanding perfection...and It took me awhile to figure out his past because it stayed hidden..

But if I knew all of this in the beginning would I still be with him? Yes. It wouldn't change anything.



Edited by Twisted_Angel - Mar 13 2014 at 4:18pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Twisted_Angel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Mar 13 2014 at 3:05pm
Um..I've been roaming this site for 6 years..I haven't mentioned anything about not being able to afford products recently.. maybe u saw an old post... whatever..

don't think its up to you to say what I can and can't afford and if I'm rushing to have a baby @ s&f..and who else...I believe u already got into it with some one else before on here about a money issue that was none of your concern.

I never said anything about an expensive wedding did i?

I said were waiting to get married because of financial issues...i did not say exactly what it was but ms know it all assumes i was talking about the wedding..but I'm not looking for a fight but I refuse to be talked to any kind of way

Good god..rich people still have financial issues sometimes but I guess that makes them poor

Edited by Twisted_Angel - Mar 13 2014 at 4:24pm
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