Black Hair Media Forum Homepage
BHM BHM BHM
Forum Home Forum Home > Lets Talk > Talk, Talk, and More Talk
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - A lesson in liberal (white) parenting
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Register Register  Login Login
Extensions Plus
 

A lesson in liberal (white) parenting

 
 Post Reply Post Reply






Author
JamCaygirl View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Jun 03 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 43761
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JamCaygirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: A lesson in liberal (white) parenting
    Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 7:36pm
Long , but a good read - I can see why they are raising so many monsters...

My children have turned into monsters: And, says SHONA SIBARY, it's all her fault for trying to be a nice liberal parent

By Shona Sibary for the Daily Mail

P


Shortly after Florence, our eldest daughter, was born, my husband Keith and I were invited for dinner with friends.

We took our five-day-old baby with us, snuggled up in a new pink blanket in her recently purchased carrier.

Everything felt so shiny and new, so exciting. Here we were, on the biggest adventure of our lives. And weren’t we coping well!

Scroll down for video 

+3

Our friends, who were a little older than us and the parents of 14-year-old teenage twins, seemed exhausted, far more so than us. I remember the mother looking wistfully at Flo and saying: ‘Enjoy her now because, trust me, one day, it won’t be so easy.’

At the time, I nodded and smiled, smug in the knowledge that I had my parenting strategy all mapped out and confident that nothing would ever wipe the shine off motherhood for me.

Roll on nearly 16 years and that little bundle of joy is now a 5ft 9in tall force to be reckoned with. Gone are the sweet smiles and endless cuddles she once offered me, replaced by verbal abuse and emotional blackmail.

Last week, for example, Flo told me I was a b****, that nobody in the house liked me, and that she could, if she chose, make my life a whole lot more miserable than I was making hers.

Later, long after she’d slammed the front door and flounced off to go goodness knows where, I lay on my bed feeling frazzled and tearful. It wasn’t so much the rudeness and rebellion that was flooring me — aren’t all teenagers vile on occasion? It was the realisation that I had lost control of my children, and that it was all my own fault.

I say this because it’s not just Flo who is whipping up a storm at the moment. The oldest three of our four kids are all running rings around us on a daily basis. The only amenable one is Dolly, who is only four, and for now watching from the sidelines, probably taking notes about how she should behave — or misbehave — later.

How has our life come to this? Until recent weeks I thought I was doing an OK job, that Keith and I were ‘good’ parents. We took a modern, non-authoritarian approach, convinced it would create happy, well-behaved children.

But it seems we were kidding ourselves. Looking at Flo, who turns 16 this year, Annie, 13, and Monty, 12, it’s clear we got things very wrong indeed. So wrong, in fact, that there are days when it feels a lot like we’ve reached the foot of the north face of the Eiger, only to discover the safety harnesses have been left at home.

It seems we are not alone in this. A recent study revealed that more than half of parents find their children’s teenage years the hardest of all. No surprises there.

Shona with her teenage daughter Florence
+3

Shona with her teenage daughter Florence

What is surprising, for us, is that in recent weeks, we have been forced to take a long, hard look at our parenting skills and have come to the uncomfortable conclusion that they are woefully below par. In fact, I fear my husband and I are to blame for our uncontrollable family.

Take last weekend, for example. Keith and I were away for a short break on the Saturday night, taking Monty and little Dolly with us, and leaving the house empty. Flo had assured us she was staying with a female friend locally, as did Annie. Normally I would call the mothers to check the arrangements, but I had no reason to distrust what my daughters were saying.Confused

Stupid me. Flo, in fact, went AWOL with her 14-year-old boyfriend, a fact we only discovered when his father (clearly more on top of things than us) called to ask us if we knew where they were. We didn’t.

After two hours of attempting to get my wayward daughter to answer her mobile she finally picked up, yet refused to divulge her location or, indeed, come home. No apology for lying, no apparent concern for the worry she had caused. Once she had deigned to give us her location we organised for a trusted family friend to pick her up and have her to stay for the rest of the weekend, under close supervision.

I should, perhaps, have felt comforted by the fact that Annie, my other daughter, was safely at her friend’s house eating a Chinese takeaway and watching a movie as promised.

Not so. In fact, Annie had persuaded the mother of her friend that Keith and I were at home and had given permission for the girls to come to our house for a sleepover.

They then coerced a local 18-year-old boy to buy them vodka from the corner shop. This bottle was brought back to our empty house and consumed by the two girls in the living room. They drank it, despite the fact they are only 13, and then staggered out into the garden and on to the trampoline, which Annie promptly fell off, breaking her shoulder bone.

We drove home at 1am, waited for her to sober up and then took her to hospital.

And don’t think my weekend from hell stopped there. We had our 12-year-old, Monty, with us — what possible trouble could he get into? Unbeknown to us, the week before he had persuaded some boarders at his school to buy Shisha pens online (they’re a kind of electronic cigarette that come with various coloured nicotine free vapours and are all the rage for teenagers at the moment).

Monty, having got his hands on some of these Shisha pens, stuck one in Dolly’s mouth and took a video of our innocent four-year-old girl smoking: before posting the video online. Back at school the next week, a teacher saw him showing his friends the video on his phone in class and took it promptly to the headmaster’s office. The headmaster then called me to warn he was considering phoning social services.

I’d like to say that all this was a one-off in the Sibary family — a few days of madness where we took our eye off the ball and our children, sensing a chink in our armour, went in for the kill.

But the truth is that they are not only pushing the boundaries of acceptable behaviour all the time, but clearing them with the ease of Olympian hurdlers. Worse still, they’re getting away with it.

I’m not going to blame the kids’ behaviour on hormones, social media or even the dire reality TV shows like TOWIE which they love so much. The real problem is that, before we even had them, Keith and I made a vow to each other that we wouldn’t bring our children up in a culture of fear.

Shona (pictured with daughter Flo in 1999) said she will now revert to old-fashioned do as youre told parenting
+3

Shona (pictured with daughter Flo in 1999) said she will now revert to old-fashioned 'do as you're told' parenting

Instead, they would be raised in a liberal, mutually respectful household where things would be explained to them, not enforced with a rod of iron.

What were we thinking? And the legacy of this liberal approach was all too clear as I took my horribly hungover 13-year-old to A&E with a broken shoulder bone.

Like many others of our generation, Keith and I were brought up in much stricter households. Indeed, my parents were practically Draconian in their approach to child-rearing and I was absolutely terrified — not just of being on the receiving end of their wrath if I did something wrong, but also of losing their respect, of making them disappointed in me.

My children, it seems, have no time for such concerns. They’re too busy lying to us, being rude, and negotiating the toss on every single thing we ask them to do.

Just the other day, I did an extensive room search and found a packet of tobacco hidden behind a canvas on the wall in Annie’s bedroom. A search of Monty’s revealed yet more Shisha pens. Flo had a bottle of beer — stolen from the downstairs fridge — empty, under her bed.

There is little point pondering how things have got so out of control because the answer is obvious.

While the bad behaviour may have suddenly crept up on us, it is years of woolly, liberal parenting that has been the ticking timebomb.

We may have got away with it while they were younger, but there’s no denying that our approach to our children has turned them into precocious, free-thinking individuals who treat us like their peers and have no concept that ‘no’ really does mean ‘no.’

From this day forth my children will do what they’re told, because I have told them to. Whether they like it or not.

Things, clearly, must change. After yet another bust-up the other evening, when Flo slammed her 200-year-old bedroom door so hard it actually split right in two, I told my husband we needed a new parenting approach. Why, I asked him, does she feel it is acceptable to behave in this way? Why isn’t she more scared of us?

It’s a question bleated by mothers and fathers up and down the country. If only we had all followed the example of our own parents. Children, as my dad used to say, should be seen and not heard.

Why has it taken me all this time to suddenly agree with him? Now I realise what a blessing my strict upbringing was. And I’m sure there are many other modern parents who took the same softly, softly approach with their families who feel the same.

You might argue it’s already too late for my children to change their ways. Because we have never properly stood up to them and have lost the ability to show them who is boss, things will go from bad to worse.

Trust me — it keeps me awake at night, too. Which is why, after 15 years of parenting the modern way, I am going back to basics. No more negotiation, no more explaining.

When they were little and I asked them to do something, if they said ‘why?’ I felt it was wrong to say: ‘Because I told you to.’ I thought that a good parent always had to spell out the reason in terms their young charges understood.

I know now that is utter rubbish. From this day forth my children will do what they’re told, because I have told them to. Whether they like it or not.




Edited by JamCaygirl - Aug 20 2014 at 9:44pm
Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
sexyandfamous View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Nov 06 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Status: Offline
Points: 47976
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sexyandfamous Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 8:12pm
I have seen that a lot here in LA. Parents think they are laid-back, their kids don't have to do simple things as make their beds, and that they should negotiate with the child something instead of simply saying "no" because they want their kids to have options. Then their sweet little child turns into this 15-year old monster and they don't understand why they don't get along with their kids anymore.

I bet this woman gives them allowances. That's the first thing she should stop giving, because those kids were only able to get vodka and shisha pens because they had some cash.
Back to Top
femmemichelle View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Jun 12 2007
Status: Offline
Points: 100029
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (4) Thanks(4)   Quote femmemichelle Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 8:25pm
I swear I think 95% of white parents, especially those not in the South, parent this way. Then they wonder where they went wrong when their children start calling them bi*ches? 

I WISH my future non-existent daughter would. First flight, COACH, back home. I wouldn't give a damn about it, either. No iPhone, no Macbook, no high waisted shorts/leggings/etc etc. They gon learn.
Back to Top
BBpants View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Aug 24 2011
Location: No1curr
Status: Offline
Points: 196805
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BBpants Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 8:49pm
Shona is ugly as hell
Back to Top
HunnyB View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Dec 14 2009
Status: Offline
Points: 55107
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote HunnyB Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 9:31pm
yea... she's sown a few seeds and now it will be dam near impossible to bring them back... even if you just grab a wooden spoon and tap their little hands, they will be ok. This is why I'm pro corporal punishment. Kids need directions, instructions, structure, and consequences. You are not about to live any kinda way in MY HOUSE... and it would be a disservice to the child and an embarrassment to me.
Back to Top
kerysdream7 View Drop Down
VIP Member
VIP Member
Avatar

Joined: Aug 25 2011
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 8871
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kerysdream7 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 9:38pm
Tragic face Pinch
Back to Top
zolloh View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Mar 03 2006
Status: Offline
Points: 62933
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote zolloh Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 10:13pm
Back to Top
creole booty View Drop Down
Elite Member
Elite Member
Avatar

Joined: Sep 26 2007
Location: US - Illinois
Status: Offline
Points: 60279
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote creole booty Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: Aug 20 2014 at 10:41pm
But the real world had many rules and punishments. Good thing she doesn't have any black kids. Black kids can't afford to have this kind of mentality.
Back to Top
Get Longer Healthier Faster Growing Hair
Get Healthier Stronger Longer Hair
Glam Twinz
Weave Connection
Human Hair Wigs
Wefting Training
Brazilian Hair
Brazilian Hair
Wig and Hair Extension on Amazon
 Post Reply Post Reply
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down