Black Hair Media Forum : How do you make it work?

Black Hair Media Forum : How do you make it work? http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/ Wed, 19 Jun 2013 04:33:15 +0000 Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:42:57 +0000 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Web Wiz Forums 10.15 360 Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/RSS_post_feed.asp?TID=353383 <![CDATA[Black Hair Media Forum]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com//forum_images/BHM_Logo_v5_Forum.jpg http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/ <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : EPITOME wrote: JasmineE02...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073886.html#10073886 Author: Tbaby
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 4:42pm

EPITOME wrote:

JasmineE02 wrote:

Does anyone else ask permission or give warnings? LOL

I always warn my husband if I'm feeling clingy. He finds it much funnier and endearing than if I just randomly start doing it without explanation. It might still annoy him a bit, but he's way more receptive. For someone who isn't adept at picking up on nonverbal cues, it's really helpful. I also just flat out ask him for what I need. "You should buy me flowers sometime soon." "I want to do something that involves dressing up for our anniversary." He can't read my mind, so I help out a bit. LOL

my dh laughed at me bc in two days it'll be 1000 days of marriage and i said if you were here we could celebrate and he was like Confused

but i thought it was cute Cry

awwww...It is cute!
Heart

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:42:57 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073886.html#10073886 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : JasmineE02 wrote:Does anyone...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073865.html#10073865 Author: EPITOME
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 4:35pm

JasmineE02 wrote:

Does anyone else ask permission or give warnings? LOL

my dh laughed at me bc in two days it'll be 1000 days of marriage and i said if you were here we could celebrate and he was like Confused

but i thought it was cute Cry

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:35:57 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073865.html#10073865 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : nycdiva357 wrote:this thread...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073859.html#10073859 Author: Wildfire
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 4:32pm

nycdiva357 wrote:

this thread is kinda disgusting--
when I think about all the other bhm threads where ppl talk about how marriages of today aren't shyt--
and how marriages of the past were great-- thats why they last so long.

it would be a different case if she was trying-- and they weren't getting anywhere- but she is not.

yet a lot of ppl are screaming divorce.

what happened to ppl compromising and meeting half way?

this is what most people in here are saying tho...
...i think?
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:32:07 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073859.html#10073859 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : i keep thinking this says "how...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073659.html#10073659 Author: ms_wonderland
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 3:23pm

i keep thinking this says "how do you make it to work"...i was preparing my answer in my head.

Edited by ms_wonderland - Jan 14 2013 at 3:23pm]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 15:23:40 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073659.html#10073659 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : Sunshine I'm usually not...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073647.html#10073647 Author: rickysrose
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 3:19pm

Sunshine I'm usually not all the way naked, but Im "naked" for me lol

LOL I better edit before I hear "put some clothes on" in an e-battle

Meanwhile I do wear clothes in the house, just very little

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 15:19:08 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073647.html#10073647 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : I get so amused reading these...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073429.html#10073429 Author: Tbaby
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 2:09pm

I get so amused reading these marriage threads and most of the single ladies posting "divorce" like thats the correct answer when a marriage isn't sailing along honky dorie.

Their marriage isn't bad--nobody is getting screamed at or hit, no one is cheating, no one is an addict...actually its just existing with 2 persons who love each other yet their personalities are polar opposites basically.

Visiting a marriage counselor would do wonders. Compromise is what they aren't doing--thus both are miserable.

My hubby is a groper as weill...maybe its a male thing LOL

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 14:09:40 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073429.html#10073429 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : EPITOME wrote: rickysrose...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073392.html#10073392 Author: ThoughtCouture
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:52pm

EPITOME wrote:

rickysrose wrote:

You can get happiness from making your spouse happy

Compromise doesn't have to mean losing

you can get happiness from making other people happy. point.blank.period. doesn't even have to be your spouse.

alas...this is my thinking...

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:52:05 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073392.html#10073392 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : maysay1 wrote: rickysrose...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073388.html#10073388 Author: ThoughtCouture
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:49pm

maysay1 wrote:

rickysrose wrote:

I genuinely did not know a hug was this serious

And I mean this in the most shade free way possible

i could understand this thought process a little better than....being affectionate with that other person/thing but not this one (as in the one they are sleeping with lol). not saying this was part of the wifes reasoning...just responding to something that was thrown out there in this thread.

also, i didn't get the sense from the write up that this was her (the wifes) issue...

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:49:31 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073388.html#10073388 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : wow 15 years? ]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073343.html#10073343 Author: PurpleHaze
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:20pm

wow 15 years?]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:20:17 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073343.html#10073343 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : rickysrose wrote:I genuinely...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073331.html#10073331 Author: maysay1
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:14pm

rickysrose wrote:

I genuinely did not know a hug was this serious

And I mean this in the most shade free way possible

It is for some. Some people do not like to be touched or to touch other people in that way. Like at all. Not family members, not spouses, not even their own children. And they're not autistic, suffering from ptsd, or been a victim of abuse or have anything "wrong" with them. They just don't like it.
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:14:17 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073331.html#10073331 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : Does anyone else ask permission...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073327.html#10073327 Author: JasmineE02
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:12pm

Does anyone else ask permission or give warnings? LOL

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:12:36 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073327.html#10073327 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : I bring up coworkers because they're...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073325.html#10073325 Author: rickysrose
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:12pm

I bring up coworkers because they're people you know but not necessarily close with and you do have squabbles and ok times with them

Closer than strangers yet not necessarily friends that you spend all day with

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:12:16 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073325.html#10073325 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : rickysrose wrote:My husband...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073322.html#10073322 Author: iGotSunshine
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:10pm

rickysrose wrote:

My husband had a tendency to touch me any ole where, anywhere, in front of anybody when the feeling took him and he loves pda

Now he just won't do that and when we're home, I don't wear clothes (tmi) ... I can't say when the compromise happened and we've never discussed it in a formal convo, that I remember

And tbh, im not touchy feely except with him and to a lesser extent my family. My coworkers know not to touch me but if I saw one that needed a hug or a kind word I wouldn't hesitate.

That's thanks to my husband

that sounds fun lol

i would wear little booty shorts with heels tho.

i dont like being allaway naked

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:10:55 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073322.html#10073322 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : My husband had a tendency to touch...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073318.html#10073318 Author: rickysrose
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 1:09pm

My husband had a tendency to touch me any ole where, anywhere, in front of anybody when the feeling took him and he loves pda

Now he just won't do that and when we're home, I don't wear clothes (tmi) ... I can't say when the compromise happened and we've never discussed it in a formal convo, that I remember

And tbh, im not touchy feely except with him and to a lesser extent my family. My coworkers know not to touch me but if I saw one that needed a hug or a kind word I wouldn't hesitate.

That's thanks to my husband

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 13:09:45 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073318.html#10073318 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : Gkisses wrote:Derrick POV:-I...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073290.html#10073290 Author: GoodGirlGoneGr8
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:58pm

Gkisses wrote:

Derrick POV:
-I need a woman who doesn't recoil when I touch her
-I was hoping it would change when we got married, I thought there was something I could do that would make her more into me-or that i wasn't giving her what she needed
-She can be so cold and distant and makes it feel like its my fault
-I think the weight thing is an easy excuse. A couple years ago I trained for a marathon and got in good shape and she was just as affectionate.
-When Im away on business its confusing because she says sweet things over the phone but when I come home shes completely indifferent again
-When I bring it up she avoids the topic

Why do ppl think marriage will flip some light switch in their spouses head to suddenly change their ways?

They both knew about each others ways prior to getting married and they still decided to proceed...she seems reluctant to change. If she hasn't changed thus far, I don't see much hope for the future. Either deal with it or divorce it.
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:58:00 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073290.html#10073290 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : JasmineE02 wrote:Another person...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073291.html#10073291 Author: BeatriceBean
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:57pm

JasmineE02 wrote:

Another person is never going to be able to satisfy all of your needs all of the time. You have to compromise. And people do change. I used to need a lot more attention and validation than I do now. It takes A LOT of pressure off of my husband and we're happier. He can also be pretty self absorbed, but it was much worse early in the relationship. He tries to remember to think about my feelings and the mere act of him trying is more important than him consistently remembering to do it. I could have easily found someone who was more on the same page of telling me how amazing I am, but I guarantee there would have been some other issue to tackle.

There are some definite deal-breakers out there, but a lot of things are not so hard to overcome if you're willing to make the effort.

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:57:57 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073291.html#10073291 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : rickysrose wrote:You can...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073286.html#10073286 Author: EPITOME
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:56pm

rickysrose wrote:

You can get happiness from making your spouse happy

Compromise doesn't have to mean losing

you can get happiness from making other people happy. point.blank.period. doesn't even have to be your spouse.

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:56:35 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073286.html#10073286 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : My dh is a groper, he like...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073283.html#10073283 Author: Rumbera
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:56pm

My dh is a groper, he like to touch me all the damn time. It can be quite annoying especially when I am trying to cook or do anything that involves balance. And he likes for the to be all touchy feely on him as well.

Me I am not the touchy feely tight at all. It get on my nerves alot of the time but I know that he needs that connection. So I have to make an effort not to push him away or he give him that please stop look..

So, yeah you have to compromise in a marriage. I can be annoying as heck too.

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:56:14 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073283.html#10073283 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : nimkola wrote: I totally...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073279.html#10073279 Author: carolina cutie
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:54pm

nimkola wrote:

I totally read that as 'abcd' lol

Nimkola, keep throwing around alphabet signs and end up getting e-stabbed like that deaf man. LOL

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:54:35 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073279.html#10073279 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : you've both been thanked.in...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073274.html#10073274 Author: nycdiva357
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:52pm

you've both been thanked.

in a compromise.. everybody gets a little something.. there is no need to be unhappy.
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:52:05 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073274.html#10073274 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : You can get happiness from making...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073268.html#10073268 Author: rickysrose
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:49pm

You can get happiness from making your spouse happy

Compromise doesn't have to mean losing

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:49:45 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073268.html#10073268 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : Another person is never going...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073269.html#10073269 Author: JasmineE02
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:49pm

Another person is never going to be able to satisfy all of your needs all of the time. You have to compromise. And people do change. I used to need a lot more attention and validation than I do now. It takes A LOT of pressure off of my husband and we're happier. He can also be pretty self absorbed, but it was much worse early in the relationship. He tries to remember to think about my feelings and the mere act of him trying is more important than him consistently remembering to do it. I could have easily found someone who was more on the same page of telling me how amazing I am, but I guarantee there would have been some other issue to tackle.

There are some definite deal-breakers out there, but a lot of things are not so hard to overcome if you're willing to make the effort.
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:49:45 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073269.html#10073269 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : I genuinely did not know a hug...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073264.html#10073264 Author: rickysrose
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:47pm

I genuinely did not know a hug was this serious

And I mean this in the most shade free way possible

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:47:29 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073264.html#10073264 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : may you are looking at this from...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073263.html#10073263 Author: nycdiva357
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:46pm

may you are looking at this from a the cup is half empty perspective. lol

instead of seeing it as they are both unhappy they are not getting 100% of what they want...

why not see it as

him: im not getting all the affection i want-- but I'm getting more than the usual.. so im happy.
her: Im giving him a little more...but not the point where I'm selling my soul out for hugs n kisses-.and hes happier now-so im happy.

so while they are not getting exactly what they each want.. they are both winners in they got something.
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:46:40 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073263.html#10073263 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : freedom76 wrote: maysay1...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073236.html#10073236 Author: maysay1
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:34pm

freedom76 wrote:

maysay1 wrote:

It's clearly really difficult for people to even try to see this from another perspective. Maybe because in some ways it requires one to question the accepted norms for romantic relationship/marriage?

Everyone doesn't interact the same way. Just like some people can have sex once a season and be totally happy and others need to do it every day...that's just who they are and neither person is wrong or bad for being that way. And neither should they change. There really is no compromise when it comes to something like that because one person is going to be fundamentally unhappy.

I agree with everything other than the bold. I think while compromise is definitely possible. See it isn't about turning more affectionate or even accepting less affection, it is more about understanding the needs and wants of your partner. Once you realize the other person NEEDS a bit more, and the other person doesn't WANT so much, a compromise is indeed important. When you love someone it isn't about selfishness. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. I hate me...me...meeeeee relationships.

The bold is exactly why I think it's unfair to compromise in this situation. When you love someone, you do want them to be happy. In a compromise, neither one of these people will be happy. WHy? Because meeting in the middle would require him to accept less affection than he wants (which he's already been doing for the last 15 years) and it would require her to give more affection than she wants to give. That definitely does not reflect love for your partner.

A compromise at this point would only be a bandaid because it's obvious that neither one of their needs when it comes to affection have changed in 15 years.
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:34:18 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073236.html#10073236 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : sorry.. I can't agree w/...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073221.html#10073221 Author: nycdiva357
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:27pm

sorry.. I can't agree w/ that Maysay.

I'm like the woman in the OP. I'm not really into all the touchy/ feely shyt. Its just not in my personality.. but i know my SO is. so every now again.. when we are outside.. I hold his hand. i hug him etc. NOt b/c that shyt makes me happy...lol b/c it most definitely doesn't. But b/c I know it makes him happy-- I'm cool with it. and its more tolerable.

I give in my relationship.. as well as take. And i think thats the fundamental building structure of any relationship. As long as something isn't compromising my safety.. and my complete being.. I'm ok. hugging a guy wont kill me. I beleee dat. lol
]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:27:06 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073221.html#10073221 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : freedom76 wrote: maysay1...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073220.html#10073220 Author: EPITOME
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:26pm

freedom76 wrote:

I agree with everything other than the bold. I think while compromise is definitely possible. See it isn't about turning more affectionate or even accepting less affection, it is more about understanding the needs and wants of your partner. Once you realize the other person NEEDS a bit more, and the other person doesn't WANT so much, a compromise is indeed important. When you love someone it isn't about selfishness. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. I hate me...me...meeeeee relationships.

can you preach?!!! i just think this is interesting from people who claim that dating is difficult but are unwilling to compromise.

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:26:41 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073220.html#10073220 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : I only mention her working to...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073210.html#10073210 Author: SamoneLenior
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:21pm

I only mention her working to change because she may find out she actually likes being more outwardly affectionate therefore she will do it more because she wants to, not because she has to

She doesn't do it now because she honestly doesn't want to]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:21:48 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073210.html#10073210 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : nimkola wrote:i tried to...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073207.html#10073207 Author: iGotSunshine
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:21pm

nimkola wrote:

i tried to do this one time

my momma busted my ass so hard lmao

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:21:04 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073207.html#10073207 <![CDATA[How do you make it work? : maysay1 wrote:It's clearly...]]> http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073204.html#10073204 Author: freedom76
Subject: 353383
Posted: Jan 14 2013 at 12:20pm

I agree with everything other than the bold. I think while compromise is definitely possible. See it isn't about turning more affectionate or even accepting less affection, it is more about understanding the needs and wants of your partner. Once you realize the other person NEEDS a bit more, and the other person doesn't WANT so much, a compromise is indeed important. When you love someone it isn't about selfishness. When you love someone, you want them to be happy. I hate me...me...meeeeee relationships.

]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2013 12:20:28 +0000 http://Forum.BlackHairMedia.com/how-do-you-make-it-work_topic353383_post10073204.html#10073204