Critical Blackness

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Things you cannot do if you wish to survive the coming victory party:

1. You cannot carry a big watermelon on your shoulder through town, responding, “Barack bitches,” when questioned about what you are doing. (thank you Wanda Sykes)
2. Finish any sentence for the next 72 hours with “Brotha, mother, or bitches”
3. You cannot do the Bro Man Nod to every white person you see on the street with hard eye contact, saying uh huh.
4. You cannot endzone Dance
5. You cannont play Montel Jordan’s “This is how we do it” really really loudly over and over
6. You cannot start singing the hooks to various rap songs
7. You cannot quote any Dave Chappelle, but especially not Keepin it Real or Black Bush (Yellow Cake)
8. Your ringtone cannot be “We are the Champions ,” (no time for losers, cause we the champions… of the world)
9. You cannot grab any part of your anatomy and say “Now what!” (Or anything else)
10. You cannot video any portion of your anatomy and email the clip to people.
11. You cannot say dez nuts.
12. You cannot say, “ Chuck Todd.” As much as he deserves it.
13. You cannot say, “Chuck Todd can suck a dick.” As much as he deserves it.
14. You cannot tweet, text, Facebook, or otherwise send obscenities to people at work who supported Romney
15. You cannot tap dance in office
16. You cannot tap dance anywhere
17. You cannot do The Dougie in the office
18. You cannot quote Biggie, Jay-Z, Ice-T, Public Enemy, NWA (including Ice Cube’s solo career)
19. You cannot say, “ white people,”
20. You cannot call out from work citing a new holiday called, “dez nuts.”
21. You cannot call out from work citing a new holiday called, “ you.”
22. You cannot tell your boss that you are still *&%^$#@Eed up and celebrating
23. You cannot talk publically on video or on social networking about “white folks”
24. You cannot quote the Boondocks specifically but not limited to, “My President is black and my lambo is blue.” “Game recognizes Game and you are looking kinda unfamiliar.”
25. You cannot quote Gin Rummy or Ed Wunzler III. Ever.
26. You cannot strip down to a wife beater. Anywhere.
27. You cannot not stand on your desk at work and say, NOW WHAT
28. You cannot stand on other people’s desks and kick all their sh*t off.
29. You can’t tell white people to “kiss your mother ass, suck a dick, dez nuts, or anything like that”
30. You cannot send anyone pictures of your ass, or other anatomy. Especially no one from work, not even the crazy Tea Party jag off with whom you share a cubical.
31. You MUST stay off of Twitter and Facebook for at least a day. You know you cannot be trusted to exercise sound judgment for at least that long
32. You cannot around and have an Obama Election Night Baby. Glove up.
Follow me on Twitter @CritBlackness