1. You ascribe intent.
Another driver cut you off. Your friend never texted you back. Your
co-worker went to lunch without you. Everyone can find a reason to be
offended on a steady basis. So what caused you to be offended? You
assigned bad intent to these otherwise innocuous actions. You took it as
a personal affront, a slap in the face.
Happy people do not do this. They don’t take things personally. They
don’t ascribe intent to the unintentional actions of others.
2. You’re the star of your own movie.
It is little wonder that you believe the world revolves around you.
After all, you have been at the very center of every experience you have
You are the star of your own movie. You wrote the script. You know
how you want it to unfold. You even know how you want it to end.
Unfortunately you forgot to give your script to anyone else. As a
result, people are unaware of the role they are supposed to play. Then,
when they screw up their lines, or fail to fall in love with you or
don’t give you a promotion, your movie is ruined.
Lose your script. Let someone else star once in awhile. Welcome new characters. Embrace plot twists.
3. You fast forward to apocalypse.
I have a bad habit of fast forwarding everything to its worst
possible outcome and being pleasantly surprised when the result is
marginally better than utter disaster or jail time. My mind
unnecessarily wrestles with events that aren’t even remotely likely. My
sore throat is cancer. My lost driver’s license fell into the hands of
an al-Qaeda operative who will wipe out my savings account.
Negativity only breeds more negativity. It is a happiness riptide. It
will carry you away from shore and if you don’t swim away from it, will
pull you under.
4. You have unrealistic and/or uncommunicated expectations.
Among their many shortcomings of your family and friends is the harsh
reality that they cannot read your mind or anticipate your whims.
Did your boyfriend forget the six and a half month anniversary of
your first movie date? Did your girlfriend refuse to call at an
appointed hour? Did your friend fail to fawn over your tribal tattoo?
Unmet expectations will be at the root of most of your unhappiness in life. Minimize your expectations, maximize your joy.
5. You are waiting for a sign.
I have a friend who won’t make a decision without receiving a “sign.”
I suppose she is waiting on a trumpeted announcement from God. She is
constantly paralyzed by a divinity that is either heavily obscured or
frustratingly tardy. I’m not disavowing that fate or a higher power
plays a role in our lives. I’m just saying that it is better to help
shape fate than be governed by it.
6. You don’t take risks.
Two words: Live boldly. Every single time you are offered a choice
that involves greater risk, take it. You will lose on many of them but
when you add them up at the end of your life you’ll be glad you did.
7. You constantly compare your life to others.
A few years ago I was invited to a nice party at a big warehouse
downtown. I was enjoying the smooth jazz, box wine and crustless
sandwiches. What more could a guy want? Later in the evening I noticed a
steady parade of well-heeled people slide past and disappear into
another room. I peeked and saw a large party with beautiful revelers
dancing and carrying on like Bacchus. Suddenly my gig wasn’t as fun as
it had been all because it didn’t appear to measure up to the party next
door- a party I didn’t even know existed until just moments before.
I do this frequently. Those people are having more fun. Mary has a
bigger boat. Craig gets all the lucky breaks. Ted has more money. John
is better looking.
Always remember what Teddy Roosevelt said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
8. You let other people steal from you.
If you had a million dollars in cash under your mattress, you would
check it regularly and take precautions to insure it is safe. The one
possession you have that is more important than money is time. But you
don’t do anything to protect it. In fact you willingly give it to
thieves. Selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who
won’t shut up. Treat your time like Fort Knox. Guard it closely and
give it only to those who deserve and respect it.
9. You can’t/won’t let go.
These are getting a little harder aren’t they? That’s because
sometimes you have to work at happiness. Some hurdles are too difficult
to clear by simply adjusting your point of view or adopting a positive
Do you need to forgive someone? Do you need to turn your back on a
failed relationship? Do you need to come to terms with the death of a
Life is full of loss. But, in a sense, real happiness would not be
possible without it. It helps us appreciate and savor the things that
really matter. It helps us grow. It can help us help others grow.
Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s
no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Put it in perspective.
You will always have some regret and doubt about your loss. You may
always second guess yourself. If only you had said this, or tried that.
You’re not alone. Find someone who understands and talk to that person. Reach out for support. If all else fails, try #10 below.
10. You don’t give back.
One way to deal with loss is to immerse yourself in doing good. Volunteer. Get involved in life.
It doesn’t even have to be a big, structured thing. Say a kind word.
Encourage someone. Pay a visit to someone who is alone. Get away from
When it comes down to it, there are two types of people in this
world. There are givers and there are takers. Givers are happy. Takers
are miserable. What are you?